SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've read on here that,if you choose to attempt reconciliation, you MUST forgive.

This is for the new BS members who might read that..

That is absolutely not true. At all. Forgiveness is NOT a requirement for reconciliation. I have said this many times,over the years. And many reconciled members have agreed with me.

My husband's first affair was nearly 15 years ago. The 3 to 5 year timeline for healing was spot on. I went through all the normal ups and downs,etc.

It took me awhile to reach acceptance. But, I did.

I DID forgive some things. But there were some things that were so insulting to my sensibilities, that forgiving such things was impossible.

And..that's ok.

Not forgiving certain things didn't mean I held it over his head. It didn't breed resentment. It didn't mean I was unable to heal. It didn't mean I didn't do MY work to reconcile. And it didn't mean we were in false R.

It meant that I DID my work,and was able to recognize that certain things were just never going to be "ok." For ME, forgiving means letting go,and saying it's ok. And some things will never be ok. I WAS able to forgive myself for not being able to forgive everything.

Forgiveness is a very personal thing. And,it means different things to every individual. I did not need to forgive in order to fully heal and truly reconcile. YMMV. But,don't listen to anyone here,an MC, your WS, or anyone else who tells you if you want to reconcile you MUST forgive. It's not true.

Of course, your ws has the choice not to stay with you,if they require complete Forgiveness. That's their choice. I won't say anything more on that,because that isn't the intention of my post.

I agree. I think you can accept and move forward. I think it's fine if you want to forgive and that's important for your healing but equally fine if you don't feel the need to do that.

Do what's right for you.

Agree wholeheartedly.

D-Day 18 years ago. Still together. Never forgave. I can't forgive what he did. Ever.

I've come to acceptance. Not forgiveness.

I read that, too, and bristled. I also immediately thought of what you said on a thread a few weeks back about forgiveness and "moving on" not being necessary for R. It shifted something in my brain and was very, very helpful to me. Thank you.

That shift helped my H finally understand my thinking, too. I told him that I realized that I didn't have to forgive him for essentially emotionally abandoning me when I was pregnant and after our daughter was born. He was sort of stunned. He knew I couldn't "let it go" but I don't think he understood the magnitude of my pain until I said that I didn't think I needed to forgive him for it - or let it go.

It got him thinking about how damaging his selfish behavior was to our connection and emotional intimacy, and how that damage affected everything that happened after it. He has since apologized repeatedly and brings it up every so often with questions, deep conversations, tears, etc.

Thank you, HellFire. Your comment triggered a progression of very good things for us, and we have never been better.

Thank you, HellFire. Your comment triggered a progression of very good things for us, and we have never been better. smile

You're welcome. Thank YOU. I am so glad to know I was able to help. Especially when I feel a bit helpless in my situation. It gives me hope.

But there were some things that were so insulting to my sensibilities, that forgiving such things was impossible.

And some things will never be ok. I WAS able to forgive myself for not being able to forgive everything.

These are gems!

I left my xWS and could not forgive. I did however have to learn to let go and forgive myself for trying to look past, justify, overlook, and accepting the unacceptable. Similar to my childhood sexual abuse what my xWS did was simply unforgivable.

Thanks HellFire,

I sort of started us down this path of "needing forgiveness". I had always suspected my WW cheated on me multiple times but she lied, denied and minimized. I accepted her lies.

Things came to a head in June 2022 when I asked her how many times she had cheated. My goal was to get it all out, forgive her and move to a more open, honest and intimate marriage.

Well, be careful what you ask for. You can read my story and see how horrible it all really was. It was WAY worse than I ever expected. Too many, too long and too heinous. But my goal was to forgive. As part of my personal healing journey, I finally realized I can’t. At least not yet. And maybe not ever. And that’s OK. If "forgiveness is for me" as many sites say, then not to forgive is also for me. Can we R without it? Maybe, maybe not. But I’m not going to feel forced into giving something I just can’t.

A big part of it for me is the lack of empathy and "doing the work". She doesn’t show any and does very little. I know if the roles were reversed, I would dedicate the rest of my life doing anything I could to help her heal and make amends (even if it were futile). At any rate, that’s where we are.

I personally have a huge aversion to be fucked over. This is that literally as well as figuratively.

When my grandmother died, my parents screwed me over and denied her wishes in her dispersal of assets. They didn’t even buy her a headstone with the money she had set aside. They moved into her house, ransacked it for money (she was from the Great Depression and hid money all through her house) and threw away her clothes before she was in the ground. I never forgave them. I didn’t stop loving them, but I lost all respect and our relationship was permanently damaged. I bought my grandmother an expensive headstone and told my dad to make whatever they got from her last because they would get nothing from me. I later became very successful at my job and held true to that promise even though it pained me and strained my relationship with my siblings. Actions have consequences and not everything is forgivable. As bad as that was, what my WW did to me is infinitely worse….

[This message edited by ImaChump at 7:03 PM, Tuesday, November 14th]

I’ve heard this thought around here, and I haven’t really engaged with it because it just doesn’t make sense to me. I’m not trying to argue or say you are wrong. Maybe I’ll ask you, HF, how would your life have looked different if you had forgiven vs not?

One of the reasons I stopped coming to this site and stop referring it as much as I used to is because it seems like reconciliation needed to look a certain way. Forgiveness being a key component of that. And I realized I don't fit here anymore. I will never forgive him what he did. It was Unforgivable. I accept what he is capable of and I accept that he can change his behavior but he can't change what he did in the past. I love my life and all the things I've accomplished and I am growing to love the relationship we have now but I will never forgive him and he understands that. To all those newly hurt people who are here I 100% agree with Hellfire. Forgiveness is not necessary, your reconciliation will not look like anyone else's, your healing will not look like anyone else's, your boundaries are your own, and your reasons for staying are yours and your reasons for leaving are yours. Healthy like everything else is personal and don't let anyone make you believe that you're wrong for the way you're approaching your journey.

I think it depends on what one sees forgiveness as. Forgiveness can be seen as not holding onto anger or resentment.

I don't see forgiveness as "oh you made horrible choices and now we are going to pretend they never happened."

Forgiveness to me is more about making sure I learn and develop from actions others have done. It does not absolve the offender, it releases me from being bound to such a traumatic event and not allowing it to negatively define my movement forward.

I agree that forgiveness is not a requirement for reconciliation, however I see forgiveness as a way to positively move forward.

[This message edited by Greto at 8:51 PM, Tuesday, November 14th]

There will be no forgiveness for what my WW and her AP did to me. Ever.

I aspire to acceptance and to contentment in spite of the bad acts.

I do not believe that forgiveness is a prerequisite for reconciliation or for contentment.

I think it depends on what one sees forgiveness as. Forgiveness can be seen as not holding onto anger or resentment.

You know what? Screw forgiveness. It's not necessary. It's usually forced and not an organic reaction to being screwed over. Why are we so hung up on being above the negative feelings? The negative feelings serve an important purpose: I am not okay with this. I reject this.

I can love and respect who my husband is today and resent the f*** out of how he behaved in the past. I can be angry that the one and only time that I would experience the birth of my first child was tainted by him being a selfish asshole. I will always resent that, but I don't walk around angry every day. I'm an optimist at heart, but I'll always be a little bit mad that I was treated so disrespectfully and about how it changed our marriage. 35 years later, H recognizes that there's no fixing that. It. Can't. Be. Fixed. Like infidelity. You can't unring a bell. You can't have another first baby. He can't unf*** the APs.

I remember our first MC appointment after DDay. I told the MC that I had forgiven my H for cheating on me. I was shocked when MC said, "No you haven't. It's way too soon." He advised me to just focus on feeling my feelings in real time. Just feel what you feel and don't worry about being the better person.

This is a bandwagon I can get on! I also do not believe that people have to forgive to move on or to be a good person or whatever ...

One of the books I read in the aftermath was How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis Abrahms.

I was very appreciative to find someone/anyone telling me I didn't have to forgive. Some things are just unforgiveable.

Forgiveness is NOT a requirement for reconciliation.

Very well said. I think many WS's (even with the best of intentions) hope and angle for 'forgiveness' like it's an 'eraser' and that many BS's fall into that trap. I think it's probably the most damaging concept in a reconciliation. Some WS's 'require' it from their BS's to participate in moving forward, which is absolute crap. Some just want to hear it to feel better. I've also seen BS's crippled by having 'forgiven' things too quickly - because they feel like they've made a promise to their WS to stick it out - no matter what - but their WS really sees as a get-out-of-jail-free card. "Forgiving" someone who isn't doing their work can kill their incentive to do it, or worse, impede their work by making it completely impossible for them to come clean on stuff they may have held back.
I think with mutual empathy, and a lot of hard and introspective work, spouses can truly forgive over time - but it's a destination, not a beginning. I have ACCEPTED what's happened. I love my WS dearly. I'd still take a bullet for her. I'm in this with her until things are right. I want us to be successful in overcoming all of this - but only she is going to truly know when she's done the work and has become a safe partner, and I'm trusting her to do exactly that. If she's committed to that, she won't NEED me to say a word, she'll know when she gets there.

Team Acceptance, here.

If I change my mind I'll let you know.

I have ACCEPTED what's happened.

This is more how I see forgiveness.

THIS!!!! SO MUCH THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told WH early on that I would NEVER forgive him and if that was what he wanted, then we could end it there. I told him that what he had done was unforgiveable. But, I could get to acceptance and try not to rub his nose in it for the rest of our lives. I admit I've had a few stumbles, but, for the most part, I accept that it is something that can not be changed. It happened. We have to live with it forever.

It does rub me the wrong way when I see posts that explicitly say that forgiveness is necessary whether you R or D for "your own sake" Because uh, no. And it doesn't mean that I'm holding on to resentment etc. It just means, well, that what WH did was "unforgiveable".

If someone feels that it is necessary for themselves, well, that's a different story, absolutely work towards that, but understand that not everyone needs that component to move on, whatever that might look like.

I agree with you Hellfire

Forgiveness is not necessary to R, some things that were done to us is unforgivable. I have accepted what my WW did to me but will never forget or believe she won't do it again. My WW showed me what she is capable of and that will always be there.

When I got to SI and got see the damage done to the BW's here, it made me sick knowing my WW was also an OW, I will never forgive her for that, it's not mine to forgive.

I say all of that being in a good R, she has been solid doing the work, but she will never outrun this.

Clarify above: I don’t believe she will cheat again, but I will never completely rule it out, because I know what she is capable of.

[This message edited by Tanner at 5:51 PM, Wednesday, November 15th]

For me, forgiveness is a requirement for reconciliation but it's not for everyone.

I can't imagine moving forward with a spouse without it. But that's just me. Perhaps the devil in the details of "what is forgiveness?"

It's certainly not pretending it didn't happen. And for me, it's not saying "It's ok. I understand."

But it is letting go of recompense. There is absolutely (for me) no even. Nothing a wayward does can make up for any of it. Letting go of that sense of "you owe me" is paramount (for me anyway) to moving forward. Forgiveness is acknowledging there is no balance to the ledger and there is only dealing with today and who is in front of me right now.

I have zero interest in a relationship where one is down one, while I am up one. All that does is remind me of the pain, of how I am "better" or "up." that makes my partner less than and why on earth would I stay with someone who I feel is "less" than me. That makes my skin crawl.

I think it's good work for betrayeds to define forgiveness for themselves and see what is achievable. I have no intention of spending my life bitter and feeling owed.

The pain and loss are very, very real. If one can't move forward without dragging that into the future, well, for me, I'd let it all go. Otherwise (again for me), you're just dragging the past into your future. No thank you.

I agree with everything TheEnd said. That is how I view forgiveness.