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General :
The last contact with OP and why the format matters

Topic is Sleeping.
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 8:08 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

The books and advice says that the last contact with the OP should be something you write or say together, along the lines of "I love my BS and we are working on the marriage. I don't want to have any further contact with you. Please respect my wishes".

I didn't get this.

Well, I did, bit then communication went underground and things were said which betrayed me again.

The last contact between them was more on the lines of "you're a wonderful person and I will really miss you".

Of course WS is mortified now by that, but for me this was such a significant betrayal...that the last contact they ever had was a fond farewell and another betrayal.

Can I ask how your last contact was handled?

How important was this to you?

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8807815
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Stillconfused2022 ( member #82457) posted at 9:07 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

The no contact letter 7 years ago had been cordial but firm. I didn’t like it but everything I read said the priority was no further contact so it was left at that. She felt so unshamed by that letter that she sought out another job with his company, attempted phone calls and sent both parents to see him as patients. Final straw last summer when she parked across the street and stared at him through office window a few times. We took a different approach this time and he taped a large bold note on her car windshield at her place of work saying "stay the hell away from me and my family forever. signed his name". I sat in the car while he did it. I am sure no lawyer would advocate such an approach but it did give me much better closure. No word from her in a year.

posts: 375   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2022   ·   location: Northeast
id 8807821
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AintDatSpecial ( member #83560) posted at 9:13 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

On d-day, WH wrote a text that I thought was way too soft. I wish I’d saved it but something along the lines of "I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, sorry but I have to make it work with my life who I do still love". After a few days, I marinated over it and became pissed. He saw my point and was willing to do whatever. He tried calling while I was there but she wouldn’t answer so he wrote a letter. It said that he never had true feelings for her, that’s why he cut her off immediately. That getting involved with her was disgusting and he regretted all of it. He said how much he loved me, told her never to contact either of us again and he never wanted anything to do with her again. I okayed that one.

Me- BW/ Him- WH, both early 40s/ D-day June 2023/ working on healing me

posts: 55   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2023   ·   location: United States
id 8807823
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 9:53 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

Its crazy to envy a BS but I really envy that. I wish I had that closure. I feel like even that, they screwed me out of.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8807830
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SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 9:53 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

My H worked with the AP and they conducted most of their A via work email. I requested that he send her an NC email and BCC me on it. He said "I've decided to go home and fix my marriage. Please do not contact me. Any contact will be shared with my BS." That's the last time that HE initiated contact, but she tried a few times after that.

NC was broken a couple of times, in person at work, with her initiating. She approached him to ask why he had ended the A. He told her that he ended the A because he loved me and wanted to be with me, and because he told me about it immediately, I didn't get too upset about it. It was always important to me that she know that he loved me and wanted to be with me, and that he didn't come home for practical reasons, so I was actually glad that that happened.

Remove the "I want you to like me" sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs. ~ Susan Jeffers

Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.

posts: 1287   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023
id 8807831
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HellIsNotHalfFull ( member #83534) posted at 9:56 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

After 6 months of fighting for NC and going through hell of "just friends, we got to close it won’t happen again",all that mattered to me was the A ended. It wasn’t anything I’d preferred, a quick phone call. I’m pretty sure she said i love you one last time as well.

I don’t care about that. Everything she was saying were all lies at that time anyway, so it didn’t feel like a final betrayal. I cared more about she kept NC, that was at least proving in action .

Haven’t heard a thing from Mr. Just a Friend, so of all the things I have to work through, how final NC went down isn’t important.

Me mid 40s BH
Her mid 40s WW
1 year EA/PA

"Just" a friend.
in R, getting by

posts: 282   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8807832
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 10:17 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

This thread has made me realise what a gigantic wound this is.

It seems so stupid in the grand scheme of things but it really, really hurts.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8807841
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 10:19 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

My WH still works with his AP (granted she is ill and is out potentially permanently and has been since this spring) so there was no "last contact" that I can pinpoint except he says he has not spoken to her at all, except as required at work (they work "together" on a "team" and that team's continual communication when they are on the same shift is required otherwise people, will (like for real, not just in theory) die on every single shift at WH's workplace). As far as "last" conversation between my WH and AP, I really don't have much of an idea - I guess sometime this Spring when she stopped working.

I know that after d-day 1 I asked WH to write a no-contact text (that was their preferred method of communication) to the AP, which was worthless. IMO, if you have to ask your WS to tell their AP they will not be contacting them anymore, for anything, you are screwed (or at least fighting an uphill battle), as this IS something they should immediately want to do. Granted, some will do it without showing it to you so you may have to ask, but when they don't immediately offer to toss AP to the side, then asking them to tell the AP they are going to do that is largely a placebo. ***This is my admittedly jaded opinion, but it seems from years on this site that it is not largely incorrect.

After d-day2 WH offered to tell AP he was going NC aside from work - and he did it immediately..and she blew up his, and my phone (mine because I also told WH on d-day 2 that he had 10 minutes to decide who was telling the OBS - me, or him. WH was a coward - OBS had been a good friend of his - and chose me to do it, so right then and there I made contact with OBS and told him so AP was blowing up my phone as she knew it was all out in the open anyway). She constantly tried calling him and texting, using burner numbers, that he would block only for her to get a new one, to be blocked again, etc...until after 3 months of NC I just wasn't very much fun to be around he decided to go back to AP for round 3. ***Shocker, sleep with your married co-worker for 4 months, then lie about ending it for a year, and wonder why I'm not "over it" and just "not much fun" after 12 weeks.

After d-day 3 I know their A completely blew up. I had sent an email to my WH, the OBS, and AP, attaching a bunch of screen shots of their texts to each other and even a few gems WH had sent to me establishing that WH lied to AP and AP lied to WH about all sorts of fundamental stuff and just a whole bunch of my own feelings. It was total catharsis for me - it felt FANTASTIC and was still one of the top 5 best things I did related to the A. It was scorched Earth - I did not care what happened and I was not looking for any reaction from any of them - it was just brutal honesty. Apparently that email created quite a rift between AP and WH and they had several ugly, and one very ugly, verbal throw-down in the parking lot across from their workplace when they got off work. Apparently some of the lies I had outed between them, neither of them liked, at all - and it all went up in a ball of flames. My understanding is that is the last contact relating to their romantic relationship that they had.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:20 PM, Thursday, September 14th]

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2329   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8807843
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SackOfSorry ( member #83195) posted at 10:43 PM on Thursday, September 14th, 2023

My fwh was seeing prostitutes, but at the same time he had a little EA going with someone he met while out walking our dogs. I'm not entirely sure I got the entire truth there, and probably never will but I'm reasonably sure that contact stopped. However, this was his no-contact email:

Name,

This message comes from BS and me. I asked you 9 months ago not to contact me and I meant it. I don't want to hear from you by e-mail, by telephone, by text or any other method.

As a married man I had no business having continued contact with you. It crossed a boundary. I have re-committed myself to my relationship with my wife and you must respect that.

Again, I am requesting no contact and that I be removed from all your contact lists.

Me - BW
DDay - May 4, 2013

And nothing's quite as sure as change. (The Mamas and the Papas)

posts: 103   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2023
id 8807847
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:00 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

IDK, MCC.... I wonder if you think being in control is possible. You can't control your WS. You can't control the ap. You can't control you outcome. All you can control is yourself.

I doubt there have been studies of the effect of various ways As end. There are some theories that seem obviously correct, but as you say, you got what one theory recommends, but you saw only part of what was going on. That was no fault of your own.

Have you focused on yourself? on what you want? on how likely your WS is to change from cheater to good partner? on how your WS failed and you didn't?

Have you considered that the format is irrelevant, but the results aren't? and on the fact that the results are generally unpredictable?

What are you doing to resolve the fear, grief, anger, and shame that come with being betrayed? I ask because I think resolving the feelings is the best way to heal.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29941   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8808023
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 6:10 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Thanks Sisoon.

I think I am unpacking every brtrayel, examining why it hurts, and then packing it away.

I think this is long overdue processing.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808025
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Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 11:00 AM on Sunday, September 17th, 2023

What I know about the final contact was what she told me. She called him on the phone the next morning morning and said "it’s over, he knows, and he knows it’s you". That’s all I know about it. No idea what was said beyond that. Been that way most of these last couple years. She just never opens up about what she feels, thinks, or what has been said. I don’t think I ever will know. She only ever provides the bare minimum. 🤷🏼‍♂️

posts: 232   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8808261
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 11:01 AM on Monday, September 18th, 2023

After you read my tale you will wonder why I even R w/ my H.

First affair I don’t know what he told her but contact ended (the OW pretended to be my friend to remain in contact with my H). I stopped being her "friend" about a year before the friendship w/ her & my H ended.

Second affair is even crazy. The first "no contact" attempt was a 73 minute phone call that he held in private (in his car). Supposedly he ended it.

But somehow 6 weeks later they were back together. Completely underground and well hidden.

The second time he ended it he wrote her an email (unknown to me at the time). He professed his undying love but he was staying with me because of the kids. I found this email after dday2 and my H swears up and down he just wanted to make her go away without any drama.

So now you understand why it took me a year to really commit to Reconciliation.

I think you cannot rest your marriage on the stupid things the cheaters do while having an affair. Because if I actually sat down and itemized the crap he put me through during his affair, I should have D him.

The highlights:

He told me he was D me 10 days after dday1.

He had me auditioning so to speak to remain his wife. It’s great waking up every day knowing you are being compared to the much younger single OW.

It was not his first affair. He refused to admit to me that the first affair occurred but he had NO problem admitting it to the current OW.

He was cruel - really cruel - to me during his affair.

He lied at every turn about the current affair and the OW. He made it seem like she was after him. Turns out he pursued her!!

My point in all of this is how much forgiveness (if you get there) and acceptance you need to muster up in order to successfully and happily reconcile.

The actions of the cheater are terrible — but if you want to R and truly be happy - you just have to let it go. There is no making sense of things oftentimes when an affair is emotionally based.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13927   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8808329
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:04 PM on Monday, September 18th, 2023

His first NC message was void of emotion,no apologies, don't contact me in any form ever, type of message.

Then she started stalking us. Eventually her focus turned to me. When that didn't get her the attention she wanted,she started contacting our just turned (3 days) adult daughter.

My husband broke NC, called her up(I was there), and let her hear the full force of his anger.

She stopped messaging our child. She did continue stalking me. From what I've heard (from her husband), she blames me for my husband hating her,so she is trying to hurt me.

Her efforts have failed.

I know around here we supposedly want our ws to feel indifferent about the AP. That hating isn't the goal.

laugh I'm perfectly fine with him hating her. He should hate her. What she did to our daughter was worthy of that hatred.

If anyone's husband let's the AP down easy, with apologies, or any form of endearments...I'd be very concerned that the WS intends to see the AP again.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6680   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8808359
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Kanashii ( member #80132) posted at 6:23 PM on Monday, September 18th, 2023

My XWh's attempt at a no contact letter was utter rubbish and was unworthy of the name "NO Contact letter." In it he basically wrote that: "He loved her, I (the WS) knew what they were doing, and that the "ball was in her (Cow's) court" for however she wanted to take it." When I confronted him that his letter/message wasn't a "we need to stop this to save my family" and was an invitation for her to say she wanted to continue/take it further I was accused of being a bad guy hurting Cow's feelings and being a big meanie to him. rolleyes


If any other BS sees their WS do something like mine did don't try to R. You can't R and save a marriage when you're the only one invested in making things right.

Me - BW Mid 30'sHim - XWH Mid 30's

D-day1: Christmas Night 2021 D-day2:6/5/22

Filed for divorce 6/6/23. Divorce final 9/5/23

posts: 87   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8808368
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 6:56 PM on Monday, September 18th, 2023

My EA was very long distance, as she lived in Mexico and I the USA at the time. I had never met her in person only known her through the program I met her in years prior, a program where we were learning each other's languages, although she never really learned English but I am fluent in Spanish, heck I just taught two native Spanish speakers a word they'd never heard today at lunch lol. I ghosted her in Sep 2019 and I never said a word to her. I'm trying to remember exactly when I sent a NC message, it was Dec 2019/Jan 2020 write a basic no contact message, which I showed to my wife under the guise of make sure this is direct and sends the forceful message I want (my wife is a native Spanish Speaker). Message sent, no fond farewells or any of that shit. Since I nuked my Facebook account in Dec 2019, the AP would try to reach out to me through my wife.

She also sent a single text message to me from a new number. I remember the morning in June/July 2020 when I woke up to a text message from a number in Mexico, my wife was up laying in bed reading her email when I just handed her my phone and said, you know what to do. Just a few months into R, we both feared that this AP would never stop and be one of those continually hanging on, but knock on wood, we haven't heard a freaking peep out of her since middle of 2020 and selfishly I hope it remains that way, because the next action we were going to take was the drastic one of changing my phone number, a number I'd had since I was 15, which would be more of a pain in the ass just to change the number on file with everyone I've ever done business with over the years, not to mention friends and family.

With my wife and her AP, she sent him a NC message and he proceeded to try and find workarounds for the first week or so. We gathered up all the love mementos that she had of him, put them in a box with a printed copy of the NC message and shipped it back to him UPS. I imagine all that stuff coming to him in a package was blindsiding to him and kept him quiet. Just to be safe though, the amount of peace that came to me once we moved out of that house (where he knew our address and not to mention where he slept with my wife) was almost overwhelming. I have more peace knowing that even if this guy were to somehow get past the security gate, he wouldn't be able to even come onto my property without being spotted by any number of cameras that keep 24/7 surveillance of the property.

Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985 Her - BW & WW - Born 1986

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 665   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8808370
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WhiskeyBlues ( member #82662) posted at 11:40 AM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

My WH initially tried to end the A in person. Any fog had worn off but he went for the cowardly "it's not you, it's me" nonsense.

She didn't take the hint and a few days later had driven round to our address (she found our address from a photo of our dogs collar on facebook, she lives over an hour away) and seen his car on our driveway. She sent him a shitty message about guessing everything is hunky dory at home now.

WH lost his shit that he had driven to our house and effectively stalked him. He phoned her (not infront of me - I was in shock and stupidly agreed) and told her their entire relationship was based on lies, his feelings were not genuine, that they can't ever speak to eachother again and that they are both horrible people. He didn't attest his undying love for me but said we still have a connection and we need to give our marriage a chance.

MCC, the thing is, your WH was still in affair fog when he went NC. He sounds rather disgusted by it now, if I'm reading things right. With how he feels now, could he maybe write a NC letter? Obviously not to send to AP, but just as a small form of closure for you? Sorry if that's a daft idea.

posts: 108   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808559
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 1:16 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Thanks so much Whiskey. At the time I was thinking this through, he'd already been NC for two years - hence too late to send a NC letter.

I am just pissed and hurt that forevermore she will have that loving closure. It might seem petty, but it was very important to me that the last contact was on my terms and not theirs.

I am separated now :)

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808561
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 2:40 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Someone here once said they wished they had a t-shirt with the slogan "I know my husband loves me because his girlfriend told me so" and I subscribe to that. If I wouldn’t be a gracious person I would get that t-shirt immediately.

WH did the begging part to save marriage on dday, sent a text to AP that the A is over and proceeded to go underground on friendship terms with AP as he couldn’t abandon the heartbroken little lamb.

Things slowly got ugly between them as although she was accepting friendship only status, she hoped he’d leave me but he gave her an indication that it was not going to happen.

She then lost her shit and started going bunny boiler on him whilst I had no clue why WH’s emotional state was like a yo-yo. It all culminated with him coming home 4 months from dday in a suicidal state, sobbing (I’ve never seen the man ever cry before), and two days later sitting me down and owning up to remaining friends with AP and the entire craziness going on in the background (AP threatening to turn up at our door in the middle of the night, calling me with no caller ID status, sometimes in front of him making him beg her not to tell me call me).

I told him we’re done but we’ll maintain appearances for a few months until our daughter starts secondary school (UK) but whilst living together, I would not tolerate his relationship with AP. So either he leaves there and then to be with his AP or, if he wants to maintain appearances for the sake of our daughter for another few months, he has to go NC. He agreed.

I messaged AP telling her she can stop the threats and the calls to me, I know everything and I want a 3 way call with her and WH. She agreed for the next day.

Well that was a shit show: they blamed each other, throwing each other under the bus big time, ow telling me each detail she could think of (nothing I didn’t already know came to light) but the cherry on top, at one point she was telling me how she knows my husband loves me because he’s so desperate to not damage our marriage even further and to protect me.

Like wow, I really needed my husband’s girlfriend to tell me he loves me otherwise I would have spent an entire marriage life in the dark…

Overall I did feel like that was closure for me. Watching them sinking to the lowest level, whilst I maintained my head high, seeing them throwing mud at each other, what can I say, no love lost there.

She was right WH was desperate to get rid of her from his life (it got worse later including reporting her to the police but that’s a story for another time) and since then, almost 6 years ago, he did do everything to show me he’s grateful for still being in my life.

Dday - 27th September 2017

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: UK
id 8808571
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 MintChocChip (original poster member #83762) posted at 7:08 PM on Wednesday, September 20th, 2023

Lola, I've read your posts (lots of them) and your story sounds like the most similar I've read on here. Even down to the words your husband has used being verbatim some of the stuff mine has said. Eerie.

D Day: September 2020Currently separated

posts: 273   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8808615
Topic is Sleeping.
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