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Newest Member: May28

Reconciliation :
The annual review: 7 years of R

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 5:14 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

I think I am a few days early with my annual reflection of where my life is seven years after discovery. The exact dday is a bit of blur now anyway, because so much has happened since then.

I’m a vastly different person now, as with any trauma, our experiences inform us and change us. I’m much stronger than I was before all of this, with a dash of new wisdom.

In my late 50’s, I can safely say infidelity is the most painful experience I have dealt with so far, and my life includes losses of loved ones, and my childhood trauma of a step-father who beat me like a drum for 3-years.

But we all know about the pain, the crippling sadness and the battles with depression after being blindsided by the person we loved.

The hope is that we all find a way back to some level of peace, regardless of the path we take to that peace. As always, I will never care which path any of us takes, be it D, or R or even those souls who stayed for kids or financial security only — as long as we recover from the trauma and find some peace.

I find that my observations are evolving as well.

I used to frame my choice to R around a ‘new deal’ or a ‘new M’ — but another member’s post in the positive R story section has permanently altered my perspective. While both my wife and I have changed a bunch, the truth is, this isn’t a new marriage or a new relationship. It’s a continuation of what we started nearly 36-years ago.

The relationship is dented, scarred and scorched in spots, but it’s all of ours. All of our bad choices, all of our poor decisions and every lesson we learned in the hardest way possible.

Infidelity is definitely damage we did NOT sign up for, and I sure as Hell didn’t vote for it.

My wife didn’t go from princess to horrible monster and back to princess again. There is no magic here. There are no rainbows or broken spells. She’s a flawed person, like me, and everyone else on the planet.

Human beings fail every single day. Sometimes the fail is epic.

Humans who don’t cope well with adversity often retreat from reality with alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, and yes, no one’s favorite, they escape into the arms of another person.

There is NO logic to it, and there is no legitimate reason to ever lie and cheat. Ever.

For me, it’s what humans do AFTER they fail that matters.

We can learn from it and change for the better or stay down in the muck.

I can focus on my wife’s worst days or her best days OR, I can see her as a complete soul, a good person, capable of bad things — who failed herself, her family and me — and then aimed for much better on the other side of it.

I will always, ALWAYS hate the A. I only have to accept the fact that it happened, that it’s part of my existence, but I don’t have to be OKAY with it. I’ll never wake up and be happy my wife chose poorly on her lowest days.

However, I can choose how I respond to this and every adversity in my life.

My wife’s lowest point doesn’t define me or reflect on me.

And to keep this old marriage rolling, I do not allow my wife’s lowest point to define her either. At some point, we do have to let the past BE the past.

Again, as anyone who has ever attempted R KNOWS, ain’t none of it easy.

We worked our asses off and we forged this M into something we both want. We love that we didn’t give up on each other. We love that we found a far better way to talk to each other, that we don’t hide our feelings, good or ill, and that we love each other, flaws and all.

The dents are still there. The damage doesn’t disappear.

We just aim for better every day. We give more to the other every day.

After seven years of finding a way back to vulnerable and taking one last leap of faith, I think we may yet get the hang of this marriage thing.

Married 36+ years, together 41+ yearsTwo awesome adult sons. Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored."It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4702   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8792171
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 5:40 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

😊😊😊

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6645   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8792177
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Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 7:02 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Oldwounds - your scars remain but you soldier on - good story of your tough path and perseverance!

smile

There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery.If you’re looking for an adrenaline rush, why not bungee jumping off a bridge span? For an extra thrill, don’t anchor the cord.

posts: 901   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8792199
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Onward1 ( member #77367) posted at 7:08 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Great to hear, OldWounds. I hope you both continue to find Better every day.

posts: 146   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2021
id 8792203
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 7:56 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Love this post Oldwounds. So much wisdom...

posts: 602   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8792214
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waitedwaytoolong ( member #51519) posted at 7:56 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Congratulations. I am continually in Awe about how you have handled this.

I am the cliched husband whose wife had an affair with the electrician

Divorced

posts: 2162   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2016
id 8792216
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 8:38 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Thanks very much Waited,

Congratulations. I am continually in Awe about how you have handled this.

As you're a member here who I respect a great deal, I will humbly accept the congratulations.

Married 36+ years, together 41+ yearsTwo awesome adult sons. Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored."It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4702   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8792228
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 8:51 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

I want to say this is beautiful....beautifully put. But, that doesn't quite seem right. Thank you for sharing it. It really speaks to where I'm trying to be.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 470   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8792231
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Vocalion ( member #82921) posted at 9:32 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Thank you Oldwounds for sharing this with those of seeking to Reconcile. So much there that gives me hope that WW and I can make something good for both of us our of the fallout of pain and chaos from her affair.

posts: 223   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2023   ·   location: San Diego
id 8792239
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 9:34 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Hippo16 --

Thanks!

Oldwounds - your scars remain but you soldier on - good story of your tough path and perseverance!

So many scars! And as an aging former US Marine -- to soldier on is a decent way to go!

Married 36+ years, together 41+ yearsTwo awesome adult sons. Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored."It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4702   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8792240
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 10:01 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Thank you for sharing it. It really speaks to where I'm trying to be.

Thanks for the kind words Ladybugmaam. It definitely takes both people working to get there, I hope you get to heal more and get to where you want to be!

Married 36+ years, together 41+ yearsTwo awesome adult sons. Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored."It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4702   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8792247
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cedarwoods ( member #82760) posted at 10:25 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Oldwounds
Thank you for your post. It encourages and inspires me in so many ways.

posts: 211   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8792251
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Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 10:57 PM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Old wounds,
Thank you for your post. Such wisdom in your words and they are so appreciated.

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 193   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8792255
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 2:25 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Thank you Oldwounds for sharing this with those of seeking to Reconcile. So much there that gives me hope that WW and I can make something good for both of us our of the fallout of pain and chaos from her affair.

Vocalion— sorry to see you here with us as a newer member, and I hope your WS is up to the task of owning all of those poor choices and trying to become a safe partner.

Married 36+ years, together 41+ yearsTwo awesome adult sons. Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored."It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4702   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8792311
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 Oldwounds (original poster member #54486) posted at 2:29 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Onward1 —

Great to hear, OldWounds. I hope you both continue to find Better every day.

Thank you kindly! Better days, better M, etc, is something I hope we all find along the way.

Married 36+ years, together 41+ yearsTwo awesome adult sons. Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived. M Restored."It is better to conquer our grief than to deceive it." — Seneca

posts: 4702   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: Home.
id 8792313
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:16 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

smile 👍

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29954   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8792332
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CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 4:21 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Human beings fail every single day. Sometimes the fail is epic.

Amen, my friend. Amen!

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3355   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8792333
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:22 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Hard hard work, time, and perspective— you have really made the most of the last 7 years. Inspiring!

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5985   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8792334
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 4:51 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

Congrats on your healing Oldwounds!

Dday - 27th September 2017

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: UK
id 8792343
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Devon99uk ( member #82658) posted at 5:05 PM on Wednesday, May 24th, 2023

"And to keep this old marriage rolling, I do not allow my wife’s lowest point to define her either. At some point, we do have to let the past BE the past."

What an inspiring post, I loved what you wrote above. I can only hope one day I feel the same 🙌🙌

posts: 72   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2023   ·   location: South of England, UK
id 8792347
Topic is Sleeping.
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