Newest Member: HedgehogCat


3 months in

Hi folks. This is my first post. I’m three months past D-day.

First off, a huge thank you to everyone on SI for being here. I’ve leaned heavily on your words over the last few months of hell.

My wife and I have been married 25-years and together for 33. College sweethearts. Two teen aged kids. Storybook life, or so I thought. I found out that, ten years ago, she conducted a 3-year EA/PA over the course of 10-12 business trips to another state. She also stayed in contact with the OM for years after the PA. I actually knew of the relationship, but she told me early on that he was gay (this deception hurts almost as much as anything). Additionally, she had a one-day alcohol-and-drug-fueled hookup in 2017 at a music festival. Just incomprehensible. I found all of this out in a letter I discovered. After endless discussions and teeth-gnashing, I’m confident this is the whole truth. We’re in MC and both in IC. She’s been very forthcoming, is remorseful, is resolute about wanting to reconcile, and professes her true love for me daily. She answers every question I ask. Before D-day (during Covid lockdown), she and I were actually doing well after years of her drinking too much and spending too much time with friends and not enough at home. She had been living in shame for years. She’s now stopped drinking (‘for good’) and is starting AA.

I’m in a different boat. I’m buried in mind movies, obsessive thoughts, incessant questions, rage, poor sleep, bad dreams, depression, etc. But I love her and I do want to stay together. I can actually envision a foggy future where she regains my trust and I move toward forgiveness. But this question just keeps ringing in my head: Can I live with this? Can I actually make it through each day knowing what she did? Can I ever respect her again?

We’re spending most of our time together. We’re discussing things every day, enjoying sex (mostly trigger-free), and stumbling through this shit show together. I’m working hard not to put pressure on myself to make any decisions.

But I could use your advice. I feel panic around this question. Can I live with this?

Does this resonate with anyone?

23 comments posted: Wednesday, March 24th, 2021

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