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Newest Member: PMSandvig

Just Found Out :
Advice please

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Dishrag (original poster new member #83284) posted at 1:49 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

Well, I had posted in general upon the discovery of my ws ea. Since then we have been working on our marriage and it does seem to have improved. He has been willing to listen to me and answer questions about why and what happened. Of course,more details have been put out there. However, I am still struggling. There is something that is not sitting right and I can't place what it is. He says there has been nc since the last I know about. What's really strange is that this woman had sent a text saying that she has been hurt and she did nothing wrong. The vibe was they were just friends and she's now just worried about her job and how my ws is harming her and her family,and how cruel he is being to her. She also left an angry vm. Well, that's simply not true. I want so badly to contact her, although,to what end? He gets angry and defensive and wants to move on and I'm stuck. I know I am being petty with this, but this is not her first time inserting herself in someone else's marriage that's with the same company, and I am disgusted with her and whatever manipulations she is serving up. I don't know what to do.

posts: 17   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2023
id 8791042
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 1:57 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

If you believe him that he has NC then you might be dealing with a slightly unhinged person. If she continues to contact him he can get an atty to send a cease and desist letter, with info that a RO will be next if she does not stop.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4254   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8791046
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 Dishrag (original poster new member #83284) posted at 2:26 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I'm not sure I do believe him,not so much because he wants her, but so I will leave it alone. I suppose I want to hear from her how she paints herself as some innocent person? My husband is angry at her now because he thinks she used him. Possibly looking for a father for her kids. I am just flooded with emotions.i really am unable to, like I said, put a finger on why I am feeling so uneasy. maybe part of it is that I know they will eventually run into each other again.

posts: 17   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2023
id 8791056
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:47 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I can tell you exactly why you feel uneasy.

Your husband isn't remorseful.

He feels used by the OW? Um..what? He is a married man. He is responsible for his actions. He has no right to feel used.

He gets angry and defensive when you talk to him. If he were remorseful, he wouldn't do either of those things.

You shouldn't be working on the marriage. He cheated. He is the one who needs to work on himself, before you work on the marriage.

You can not attempt reconciliation with an unremorseful WS.

What is he doing to become a safe partner?

The minimum he should be doing..

NC. If she is a coworker, he must immediately find another job.

Std testing.

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

He is proactive in healing the damage he has caused.

He responds to all questions with empathy and honesty.

He understands it takes 3 to 5 years to heal from infidelity. That can't start until he is remorseful.

He understands you will ask the same questions, over and over, while you process this trauma.

He goes NC with any friends who knew of the affair.

He stops blaming her and takes full responsibility.

He digs deep,to figure out why he cheated.

He gets intl IC.

And anything else you need to start feeling somewhat safe.

He's angry with her? That isn't the goal. He needs to reach indifference. He has no right to be angry at anyone but himself. That is angry,says he's still invested in her.

It doesn't sound like there's been NC,based on the things OW has said,and done.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6705   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8791069
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 6:38 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

There is something that is not sitting right and I can't place what it is.

I am going to hazard a guess as to what that feeling is: You have been lied to and your WH is trying his best to rugsweep away the AP. This IS unsettling at a minimum.

As I have not read your post in general, I do not know the background under which the AP is contacting (or attempting to contact) you/your WH, so I cannot comment on it aside from saying that you are correct: something isn't right.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 6:39 PM, Tuesday, May 16th]

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

posts: 2357   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8791088
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 8:06 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I remember getting this feeling when my husband's coworker messaged me to tell me that she had been having an affair with him and He said that she was nuts and had such a thing for him. She was by all accounts indeed a looney toon, but something just didn't feel right about his explanation. Turns out he gave her a reason to be crazy and my gut was right, it just wasn't confirmed for TWO YEARS. I spent two years questioning my reality and being made to feel crazy.

Me- born in 1984Him- born in 1979We both have 2 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 297   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8791106
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:11 PM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

First, you are not being petty.

Second, your gut is screaming at you that things don’t add up.

Third, your H has no standing to be taking the position that "nothing happened" and its over.

He lied. He cheated. He disregarded you.

Take a step back. Why does he need to text someone "it’s over" if it’s nothing? Hmmmm

Then the OW keeps trying to contact him. Over a "harmless Emotional Affair"? Hmmm

Do not let your H be in control of you and your healing process. Because if you allow that he will manipulate you into doing what is best for him, not you.

Ask me how I know. I went down that road during my H’s affair. After 6 months when I finally had enough I was forced to stand up to him and tell him I was Divorcing him. I couldn’t live with a lying cheater who was very willing to manipulate me for his own selfish ego driven reasons.

The affair was my fault. I got the ILYBNILWY speech. I was being kicked to the curb but expected to just roll over and be a doormat.

Oh hell no! The day I stood up to him everything changed.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13946   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8791107
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 Dishrag (original poster new member #83284) posted at 2:10 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

To hellfire he is being proactive in showing affection going through tissue by he says there has been no contact for 3 weeks and he does answer my questions he said that he was being selfish and he liked the ego's being stroked she gave him attention and kindness. To the first wife Yes my gut is still screaming he does admit that he was wrong that he cheated and I was the one that asked him to message her when I found out to have no contact this was before I read the boards I asked him if she's what he wanted or if he wanted to be single and he had said no to both I didn't cry or carry on not until the next day or so when I was alone she kept contacting him texting that he hurt her that she was angry this wasn't sitting well with her that she knew he was married and did nothing wrong to anyone to me this is very strange I saw the text and it's utter nonsense they were not just friends I didn't get the ILYBN ILY speech this whole thing is truly out of character for him he is a great father and to be honest I did starve him of affection and sex our marriage has not been a happy one we have been through so much together I lost interest in physical intimacy after the loss of two babies in a partial hysterectomy lately since this we have been more intimate than we ever have been in our 10 years together this has been just crazy

posts: 17   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2023
id 8791210
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 Dishrag (original poster new member #83284) posted at 2:12 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

I'm sorry if that's a hard read. I'm not too good at technology and was using the microphone button.

posts: 17   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2023
id 8791213
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 Dishrag (original poster new member #83284) posted at 2:15 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

I do feel that the burden falls on me. If I had been a good wife,he wouldn't have strayed.I don't feel like I have gotten the whole truth and I am afraid of it happening again.

posts: 17   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2023
id 8791215
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 2:28 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

I do feel that the burden falls on me. If I had been a good wife,he wouldn't have strayed.I don't feel like I have gotten the whole truth and I am afraid of it happening again.

Please don't tell yourself this, you were both in the same M and you didn't cheat. If he had been a better person he wouldn't have cheated.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3457   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8791221
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:29 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

he is being proactive in showing affection going through tissue by he says there has been no contact for 3 weeks and he does answer my questions he said that he was being selfish and he liked the ego's being stroked she gave him attention

Love bombing is not making him a safe person. And those reasons aren't the reason he cheated. They're very "surface-y." He needs to dig a lot deeper. A lot. All cheaters are selfish and like the attention. That's a given.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6705   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8791222
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:29 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

he is being proactive in showing affection going through tissue by he says there has been no contact for 3 weeks and he does answer my questions he said that he was being selfish and he liked the ego's being stroked she gave him attention

Love bombing is not making him a safe person. And those reasons aren't the reason he cheated. They're very "surface-y." He needs to dig a lot deeper. A lot. All cheaters are selfish and like the attention. That's a given.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6705   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8791223
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Icedover84 ( member #82901) posted at 2:33 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

@dishrag You can't place all of the blame on yourself. I do believe that is wrong for a partner to starve someone of affection and sex. That kind of behavior can only damage a marriage, and if you ever feel like using that tactic as a response to something, you should talk to a therapist and/or go to marriage counseling.

That said, he did make the decision to seek out affection elsewhere. It's a slipperly slope. Both of you need to do better.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2023   ·   location: NY
id 8791225
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 3:25 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

You lost 2 babies(I'm so sorry). When that happens, it's normal to not want sex.

He had other options. He chose to cheat. That's all on him.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6705   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8791234
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Notmine ( member #57221) posted at 4:25 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

The OW should be blocked on all devices and social media accounts. I am not sure how she is still contacting him or you. No contact means on all electronics and accounts.

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

posts: 757   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: DC
id 8791243
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Devastated16 ( member #82864) posted at 7:23 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

Sounds very familiar. I caught my WS in Nov. I confronted him and his AP who was a new hire at his workplace. I asked her to back off as I wanted to fix my relationship. Needless to say my WS swore he had no further contact with the AP and he swore he wanted to fix the relationship. Three months later, I was able to finally get a hold of his phone which he left charging and it hadn't "locked" yet. I found the 'sexts" that never stopped. hundreds of texts and photos. Hundreds of love quotes. The two of them continued on as if the confrontation in Nov never happened. My gut told me something was still wrong and it indeed was.

People who cheat are master manipulators and liars. My WS even went to the length to show me that his AP was not in his phone. All that meant was he did not have in as a contact...she was a phone number only so I discovered. He would get angry when I would ask if he had spoken to her. After all, she was his HR manager. He had to talk to her. He would claim he was trying and if I was going to accuse him of lying about not talking to her then how would we ever fix anything? Meanwhile......it was all lies.

I personally do not know how any marriage or relationship can survive an A. Once someone has lied, the trust is broken and what else have they lied about and what else can they lie about? Lies bring into question all truths and quite frankly, they bring into question everything ever said by the WS. I do not know how anyone could ever trust the WS again. In my experience, they just get better at covering their lies and deceptions. Every single time the WS sent a text, an emoji, made a call or met with the AP, they were making a conscious decision to lie, deceive and hurt their spouse. For every word exchanged and every lie told to cover up their A, they had opportunity to stop, reflect on what they were doing and end it. They chose to keep up the A. they chose to continue to lie and deceive. In my opinion, that type of person will never change...not for long anyways.

Liars and cheaters will come clean, they will swear it is over, they will swear that it will never happen again but since they lied so easily before while having the A, why would you think you could believe any of those words now? Liars and cheaters often blame the AP for the A continuing or for the A to begin with. I do not think too many AP's would continue to purse the WS unless they were being led on in someway by the WS.

I know people say it is possible to fix a relationship after an A but can anyone ever really move forward and not for a second wonder if their WS is actually being honest? Does anyone want to spend the rest of their life not 100 percent sure if they can trust their P. Can you ever fully forget how easily the WS lied? Most WS's are sorry alright, sorry they got caught, not sorry they had the A to begin with. Everyone I know who has cheated on their spouse, even those who got caught.....were repeat cheaters. Whatever drives them to cheat to begin with, doesn't just "fade away".

She may have inserted herself into your marriage but you have no idea what he was telling her about your marriage. You do not know the picture painted by our WS. My WS's AP did the same..ours was the third relationship to be destroyed by this AP. However, my WS still engaged. He could have walked away, told her no, left his job. Instead, he engaged and the A happened. She may be scum (and I got her fired btw) but she brought out my WS true colours. Remember, no one can force anyone to have an A who doesn't want to have the A.

I am so very sorry you are going through this. Please stay strong (words I can share but am not able to do myself at the moment sadly so trust me I know how impossible it feels) Hugs

[This message edited by Devastated16 at 7:28 PM, Wednesday, May 17th]

posts: 51   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Canada
id 8791283
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Diva19 ( member #83232) posted at 7:40 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

Don't ever think anything you did caused the affair. I had similar feelings to that as well what did I do what didn't I do, however nothing I did made my husband feel like he had to cheat mine kept saying you don't listen to me and she does haha well I can't listen to someone who isn't talking and he wasn't talking to me ever. All we did was fight. I'm sorry you are experiencing this pain. It's so traumatic and hopefully you will heal. Take care of yourself and from experience trust your gut we women know when something isn't right it may take time but we know.

posts: 86   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2023
id 8791285
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:05 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

Let me dispel the "I am to blame" thought process. I was a good wife. I made my H’s life easy. I never complained he travelled all over the world and I was home with kids& house etc.

If he wanted to play golf - no problem. Guys weekend away - he deserved it. Guys night out - no problem.

In return he lied and cheated and had a midlife crisis affair and then decided to kicked me to the curb for the OW. Someone he knew a few months. Someone 20 years younger who was a drama Queen and more.

My H didn’t communicate with me. My H didn’t share his deepest thoughts with me. My H didn’t text me cute funny things all day long.

But he certainly did with the OW.

And funny how he blamed his affairs on me.

He’s lucky I didn’t resort to physical violence when he blamed me.

Best part? When he’s begging me to R and I threw every one of his "reasons" back in his face. I would say I don’t know why you want to R with me b/c I don’t love you (that’s one thing he told me).

He had to dispel every single one of those "reasons" for years. I know he regretted saying them when he finally came to his senses, but during his affair his unhappiness with his life was my fault (in his mind).

Typical cheater move.

Please don’t fall for it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13946   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8791293
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trustedg ( member #44465) posted at 9:32 PM on Wednesday, May 17th, 2023

There is no "just move on". That doesn't work long term, it has to be dealt with. Also, "should have been a better wife"? If there were issues he could have discussed with you.This is not your fault. The OW did not use him.

He needs IC, individual counseling.

Get IC for you, it does help. If the first one isn't a good fit try another one.

Get "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", read it and give it to him. That is what he should be doing.

Me BWHim WH DDay 12/2012Married a long time, in R

posts: 2363   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2014
id 8791303
Topic is Sleeping.
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