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Just Found Out :
Advice please

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Dishrag (original poster new member #83284) posted at 5:28 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

Thank you to everyone for your replies and sharing such painful experiences. In front of him I am pretty much holding it together. This is just hard to deal with. It's so much to take in. We have only been to service once since this, although I am clinging to Hashem (G-d) tightly. I am having a hard time functioning with daily responsibilities. I am a sahm, so that's not so terrible there. She is much younger,and more attractive than I. Which, normally, I don't think of things like that. While I take care of myself I am more natural. In the past few weeks, I have died my hair 3 times,and ultimately went back to my natural color. Sans the few greys that I had. Looked into cosmetic procedures and decided against. It's not me.this has absolutely gutted me. My self worth has been flushed down the gutter. I have zero desire to play my piano or to really do anything right now. Nevermind cleaning the house. I have this feeling of what's the point. I go from anger to crying to a sense of loss.sometimes in a very short amount of time. Last night I couldn't stop thinking of them,in midrash adultery was talked about and after in bed, we were intimate and I was thinking of them and just felt disgusted. He noticed,he thought I just wasn't ready and I lied and blamed it on prayer.i know, not good. I want so very badly to have him back. The man I thought he was. I thought he was my best friend even though we were not happy. I thought what we had ran deep.I also wrote to her and want so badly to reach out to her. Not to be ugly. I told her of the destruction they brought on our family and encouraged her to seek help and G-d to find out what in her is broken. I don't wish I'll on her. I think I would feel better having my voice heard. Even though I know she doesn't care. I don't know, maybe it would plant a seed in her humanity. My husband says he really can't understand how I feel, I can't be any more clearer on the pain I am in. I have lost weight and can't eat, he's noticed that.we are reading not just friends. Not that he wants to, but he says it's been enlightening. I think I will seek ic. I'm sorry if this is confusing to read, I am still brain fried and my thoughts are everywhere. Thank you again.

posts: 17   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2023
id 8791412
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slamsunk ( member #79303) posted at 6:11 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

Hi Dishrag
Sorry that you are here. I didn’t have time to reread your original post and all of the responses here, so I apologize if these points have been addressed.

1. How are you certain this was only an EA? If you hang out here long enough you will see that no physical contact is rare when the the AP is in proximity. And won’t be revealed by the cheater until they are continually pressed on the affair details or pushed to do a polygraph.

2. Did he make a timeline for you? For me the timeline helped me piece together what my unknown reality during the A was and also helped me organize my thoughts and questions to ask WH. In addition, the timeline really opened my WH’s eyes as to the extent of the relationship with AP that he had during his EA. He had himself convinced she was just some female "friend" that he sometimes talked to about work and life (who also occasionally showed him her tits via video chat rolleyes )

3. Why isn’t AP blocked on his phone? Is he refusing to block her? This isn’t acceptable unless you are ending things with him.

The way you are feeling right now is totally normal. It is completely disorienting to find out you were betrayed and mentally and emotionally exhausting.
Stick around, you will read a lot of good advice on this forum.

BS- me 44, WH- 46, 2 year EA/sexual text & video chat. Dday spring 2021.
…never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie- Fiona Apple

posts: 88   ·   registered: Aug. 20th, 2021
id 8791416
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Devon99uk ( member #82658) posted at 7:15 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

I ended up contacting the AP because I couldn't keep the thoughts to myself any more. I told her some home truths about what she actually was & to cut out the pathetic victim role - I got everything off my chest, made her feel small & to admit what she was - Regardless of whether that's right or wrong I simply don't care because it helped me move forward and close that chapter 🙌

posts: 72   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2023   ·   location: South of England, UK
id 8791433
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BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 8:03 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

Hi @Dishrag I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain of betrayal in your marriage and my heart goes out to you. I know from my own experience what a roller coaster of emotions the BS goes through, so I do empathize with you.
Please do consider IC for yourself to help you process what has happened and the best way forward.
I personally think it's okay to reach out to the OW if you're sure you're emotionally strong enough to hear what she has to say because it does seem like you need this closure to help you move forward or at least to get some clarity to what you feel is not siting right with you about the relationship she had with your H.

You mentioned that after discovering the EA, that you're both working on your marriage, are you having MC or trying to work out issues by yourself? I think going forward, both of you will benefit from IC and MC in order to resolve issues that might be affecting your relationship.

I do want to encourage you to remember that you are worthy and deserving of love that can be trusted and your self worth is not a reflection of the wrong choices your H has made or dependent on it.

Praying that the near future brings healing & peace for your emotions and wisdom for your decisions.

Much hugs ))).

posts: 270   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8791442
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 10:41 PM on Thursday, May 18th, 2023

Hi Dishrag, Welcome to SI. I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. Unless you've been through it yourself, it's hard to imagine how painful and all encompassing the pain of betrayal is. We have all been through this and we know how bad it hurts.

I do feel that the burden falls on me. If I had been a good wife, he wouldn't have strayed.

Please disabuse yourself of this immediately. It's simply not true. Infidelity happens in good marriages and bad marriages and its never the betrayed spouse's fault. It is always a function of the poor coping skills and character/moral weaknesses of the wayward partner.

It is totally normal for you to be struggling to function normally. For many of us, even managing to eat one meal a day was too much. If you're losing weight, I really recommend things like smoothies or protein drinks that you can sip. I also encourage you to see your doctor if you're not sleeping well. Lack of sleep compounds the problems. Things like antidepressants are not a sign of weakness, and for many people are a true lifeline. Now is definitely time to lean on your village. Do you have friends/family/members of your church that know and can help out with things like a meal every now and then or cleaning? Maybe taking your kids to the park so you have a chance to shower? For me, it was really helpful to get dressed and put makeup on every day so I felt as confident as I could.

You mention you're struggling with self esteem right now. That is really normal too. Taking care of yourself should be your number one job right now. If that means a new outfit or a new haircut or colour, then so be it. Anything that is going to give you even a little boost of self-confidence. Exercise - even small stuff like going for a walk every day - can do wonders for your self-esteem and your mental health. I know how hard it can be to fight the urge to get back into bed and pull the covers over your face. Please remember that your husband didn't cheat because of what you looked like. Some of the world's most beautiful women have been cheated on. People like Sienna Miller, J-Lo, Elin Norgren, Beyonce, Behati Prinloo (a Victoria's secret model!!), Shania Twain, Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock, the list goes on. Again, it always comes back to the cheater's character.

In your original thread, you mention that your husband claims that it was an EA and that the only physical contact that occurred was a hug. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I'd be willing to bet that this is not true. Employers don't change up cleaning schedules because of a hug. She's not leaving messages voicemail messages over a hug. It is incredibly common for newly-caught wayward spouses to try to minimize the details of the A in order to minimize. Very (very) few waywards tell the truth right from the start. When someone has been lying to cover their A, it is second nature for them to continue to lie. I don't say any of this to cause you more pain, I just encourage you to make sure you have the whole story before you move towards

The OW here, was she married? I don't see much benefit at the moment in reaching out to her. If she knowingly involved herself with a married man, she likely doesn't care much about your humanity. She likely doesn't have a lot of motivation to be honest either. She feels like your husband disposed of her. Which, to be honest, sounds like he did. Your husband should reiterate that he wants nothing to do with her and he should block her in all lines of communication.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I wish you strength.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2102   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8791482
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Edie ( member #26133) posted at 1:37 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Hi dishrag, your name may describe how you’re feeling about yourself but I hope you can feel reassured by everyone’s replies that this self disregard passes. It passes naturally in time but can be hastened by working hard on self affirmation and generally getting more connected with others and pursuing interests, friendships and new activities so your anxieties about comparison with OW just fade away by less focus or feeding them.

Your marriage may have been in temporary doldrums due to your miscarriages, so sorry about these, but that is no reason for an affair. The doldrums were not just yours, they were the marriage’s. Reading between the lines, it sounds from your husband’s feeling of being used that his head was turned by flattery from her. And now he has realised she was interested in a pay check and not him.

You have very good advice about self care etc above. Do read all the healing library articles and any of the JFO posts with a target in the margin such as the tactical primer or Honey they always affair down as these offer some perspective/s and a blueprint of how to proceed, written by guiding hands who have walked this way before you and in effect who are holding your hand as you move through this mess.

Btw, I am one who contacted my OWs. You sound very humane but leave her behind you now. She inserted herself into your marriage where she had no place to be so do not keep inviting her back in.

You may indeed be faced with trickle truth and minimising behaviour from your WH, as it does indeed sound like the OW had somehow built her hopes up re the affair. Neither is unusual, the trickle truth or the minimising or indeed an AP sustaining a riding off into the sunset together with the WS fantasy.

The trickle truth is exhausting and our WS’s convince themselves that they are somehow protecting us by subjecting us to it whereas trust is further eroded, perhaps fatally, by this behaviour. And it is of course only themselves they are ultimately protecting through blameshifting and minimising. It sounds like you are really doing the research and reading so you are already taking steps to get yourself out of infidelity, you sound resilient and self aware, you will eventually be fine, there’s just a bit of a rollercoaster to ride first. I tried to ride it feeling the wind in my hair, so to speak, I think it helps to take it as a bit of an adventure.

[This message edited by Edie at 1:40 PM, Friday, May 19th]

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 kids 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) R'd.

posts: 6639   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8791583
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Diva19 ( member #83232) posted at 8:43 PM on Saturday, May 20th, 2023

I also felt the same way you do right now and still do. It's so hard to understand. I agree with everyone else and second what they say about the affair it has nothing to do with how we look it's the husband wanting that ego boost from someone else and that is exactly what mine did as well. I still feel like it was about the way she looked and I believed his EA was just am EA but he wanted to sleep with her and knowing that was enough for me to be so angry. I also reached out to the OW hoping for some reason or I really don't exactly know what I wanted from her but it as every says made things worse for me she didn't care about being kind she wanted my husband so she hurt me in ways i never imagined she said I failed my marriage and I was a narcissist she would say anything to be cruel said my husband deserved to be happy. It is hard to ever believe or understand why they do this to us good wives but they are confused and dumb. I hope things get better for you and you can heal from this I still try everyday to move past the pain he caused me. Keep posting here as well I have found good advice and good support.

posts: 86   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2023
id 8791856
Topic is Sleeping.
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