Hi Dishrag, Welcome to SI. I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. Unless you've been through it yourself, it's hard to imagine how painful and all encompassing the pain of betrayal is. We have all been through this and we know how bad it hurts.
I do feel that the burden falls on me. If I had been a good wife, he wouldn't have strayed.
Please disabuse yourself of this immediately. It's simply not true. Infidelity happens in good marriages and bad marriages and its never the betrayed spouse's fault. It is always a function of the poor coping skills and character/moral weaknesses of the wayward partner.
It is totally normal for you to be struggling to function normally. For many of us, even managing to eat one meal a day was too much. If you're losing weight, I really recommend things like smoothies or protein drinks that you can sip. I also encourage you to see your doctor if you're not sleeping well. Lack of sleep compounds the problems. Things like antidepressants are not a sign of weakness, and for many people are a true lifeline. Now is definitely time to lean on your village. Do you have friends/family/members of your church that know and can help out with things like a meal every now and then or cleaning? Maybe taking your kids to the park so you have a chance to shower? For me, it was really helpful to get dressed and put makeup on every day so I felt as confident as I could.
You mention you're struggling with self esteem right now. That is really normal too. Taking care of yourself should be your number one job right now. If that means a new outfit or a new haircut or colour, then so be it. Anything that is going to give you even a little boost of self-confidence. Exercise - even small stuff like going for a walk every day - can do wonders for your self-esteem and your mental health. I know how hard it can be to fight the urge to get back into bed and pull the covers over your face. Please remember that your husband didn't cheat because of what you looked like. Some of the world's most beautiful women have been cheated on. People like Sienna Miller, J-Lo, Elin Norgren, Beyonce, Behati Prinloo (a Victoria's secret model!!), Shania Twain, Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock, the list goes on. Again, it always comes back to the cheater's character.
In your original thread, you mention that your husband claims that it was an EA and that the only physical contact that occurred was a hug. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I'd be willing to bet that this is not true. Employers don't change up cleaning schedules because of a hug. She's not leaving messages voicemail messages over a hug. It is incredibly common for newly-caught wayward spouses to try to minimize the details of the A in order to minimize. Very (very) few waywards tell the truth right from the start. When someone has been lying to cover their A, it is second nature for them to continue to lie. I don't say any of this to cause you more pain, I just encourage you to make sure you have the whole story before you move towards
The OW here, was she married? I don't see much benefit at the moment in reaching out to her. If she knowingly involved herself with a married man, she likely doesn't care much about your humanity. She likely doesn't have a lot of motivation to be honest either. She feels like your husband disposed of her. Which, to be honest, sounds like he did. Your husband should reiterate that he wants nothing to do with her and he should block her in all lines of communication.
I'm so sorry you're hurting. I wish you strength.