SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I could say I'm curious or just don't understand, but I feel like asking this will illuminate something for me about myself. This is not a judgment of others, not remotely. It's me wondering why I never even considered the choice that most people seem to make.

I had sort of twin D-Days, like Minneapolis and St. Paul are twin cities. One in mid-October, when I found evidence of an EA/OA and then just a few weeks later in November, WH confessed major bombshells, including a past PA and the details of his pre-relationship sexual history that he'd lied about since we met. Kind of a one-two punch.

In October, before I even knew the "worst," I...just had to get out. Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200, Go Directly to Freedom. I took a couple of days to figure out how that was going to happen, but I was out before a week was up.

It wasn't a decision I made lightly, and we are not made of money. In fact, I'd just been laid off. My parents don't live nearby, so I couldn't just crash with them. We do have a kid, though thankfully she's ES-age and not younger, and he's a reliable parent, so I'm sure that counts for a lot.

And when I left, I was even leaning towards reconciling.

But I didn't feel like I could think straight. I didn't feel like it was something I could abide by, being in the same house with him. I needed SPACE right away. Even though we never really stopped talking and seeing each other (until I needed a little more space for a month, earlier this year).

But most people, including those not committed to reconciling and not committed to divorcing, don't seem to separate/leave right away, or maybe even at all. Or am I incorrect?

I guess if they think they're permanently leaving, they want to get all ducks in a row before they do, and never look back. But what if they're not sure, or they're considering reconciling?

Again, I understand if the relationship is abusive, maybe if they are or the WS is disabled and dependent, if they can't afford to leave even temporarily and/or have nowhere to go, if they need to be with the kids and the kids need to be in the home and the WS won't leave (or a similar scenario where the BS must stay in the home and WS won't leave).

I am also getting some inkling that even if they have means and flexibility, people consider separation only to be an option when you're sure or almost sure you're divorcing. I am also aware that, if they think their WS will see it this way, the BS could feel they are giving up their "chance" or "claim" to reconcile. Out of sight, out of mind? I know when I briefly semi-separated from WS years ago (after his As, but before I knew of his infidelity), my aunt asked me if I wasn't afraid he'd find somebody else since I wasn't around. If so, I said, I'd be sad, but if his lack of object permanence was that severe, then I guess it would be for the best. (In hindsight, that was one of his most faithful periods.)

And I guess if one is afraid that leaving for any length of time will drive the WS into the arms of the AP... Is that a big reason? Is the vast majority of infidelity discovered in progress, specifically with a viable AP?

I don't judge ANY reason for staying. I just imagine it to be so much harder psychologically not to get some distance. Or are there reasons it's easier and/or more beneficial that I am just not seeing?

Well, in my case it was a misguided fear of the fallout and being painted as mentally unstable.

A little backstory: I never had a D-day proper - I foolishly confronted my then GF without irrefutable evidence. What followed was deflection, DARVO-ing, "how-could-you's" and what have you. It didn't help that because of her behaviour I was already questioning my sanity.

I loved him and I couldn't imagine being a part from him, even if it was just 1 night away at my parents' house.

If I had known then what I know now, I would've made different choices.

I almost immediately knew that I wanted to attempt reconciliation if he did his part. I also knew that had we separated I’d have not been able to closely watch his actions therefore would never have believed he dropped her immediately. I’d have assumed he was with her and not have been able to reconcile. So, I guess I stayed to be witness to his actions. He didn’t leave the house for a good year without a chaperone and/or constant texts and pings to his location. 🤷‍♀️ I knew I needed the proof in hopes of ever reconciling.

I went to IC three days after I discovered the A. Hadn't confronted him yet, but was getting up in the middle of the night to read the messages between them on his ipad. IC recommended that I ask him to go stay somewhere else so that I could break that chain and get my balance back. I already knew enough details to know what was going on, anything more was just making me crazy. After coming back from IC that morning I said I knew about the A, went to a counselor, and asked him to go stay somewhere else. He "sort of" admitted but started the TT. I didn't care. He found a vacation home to stay in (friend of AP) and the next morning he walked down the sidewalk pulling a suitcase in the most pitiful manner. I'm sure AP picked him up around the corner. Five weeks later I filed for D. He never asked to come back, no attempt at R and for that I'm forever grateful that I didn't have to spend precious time on that merry-go-round.

[This message edited by nothisfriend at 2:48 PM, Thursday, May 4th]

For us it was the practicality and expenses. Hotels where we live are easily $200-$250/night and our rent for one place we were living was far too much. In the immediate, there was no place to which we could separate without a huge financial undertaking. Also, part of it is sequencing of events too, I had been NC with my AP for months, she lived in a foreign country and had no knowledge that my wife was having her own PA behind my back, but I came home from work one December evening to have her tell me that she was divorcing me and it was over, to which she went and started sleeping our guest room down the hall. I know that as a MH it's a bit different, but I had gone NC and already implemented a lot of stuff I had learned from SI and the work I was doing, I knew that I absolutely wanted my marriage and that I would as a WH drag myself through broken glass to do what needed to be done. The timing of her divorce request like I said, came months after I had been doing that work, etc. and so it made no sense to me and in that immediate aftermath, the thought of separating to me felt like it was giving up my marriage, which I was not willing to do at all in that moment. In our case, about a 2 month in-home separation finally paid some dividends in that my wife eventually came to her senses and admitted what she had been doing and we were able to consider reconciliation down the line, something that a separation would not have allowed to happen.

I imagine there are a great deal of variables as to why people stay after discovery.

From kids, to finances/housing, to wanting to understand something that is impossible to understand (unless one has made similar destructive choices).

I just imagine it to be so much harder psychologically not to get some distance. Or are there reasons it's easier and/or more beneficial that I am just not seeing?

I grew up not knowing that anyone ever tried to reconcile. I really didn’t know it was a possibility. I assumed anyone who cheats is done being married. And they are during the A, at least that’s how I view it.

I didn’t know staying was an option until I found SI 3-weeks after my wife confessed her A.

One of my best friends of 45-years separated and divorced immediately. He filed two weeks after discovery, and he should have, his wife left for her AP (it lasted about a month).

Psychologically, he has never recovered from his D. He is now drinking himself to an early demise, and no intervention has slowed his pace. He is still stuck, decades later in a life of what could have been or should have been, he feels robbed. At some point, I think he should have broken the loop and lived life more than wished for a life he didn’t have.

I think this at least informed my decision to be able to look myself in the mirror and tell me and my sons, I did all I could to hold up my end — above and beyond my vows.

My friend’s endless depression loop also informed what I wanted my life, and my M (if R worked out, and it did) to look like if I did stay.

And, I wanted to try to understand what is impossible to understand.

It can be difficult to have the biggest emotional trigger of your existence sitting on the couch with you watching TV.

However, if one is going to go the route of reconciliation, I found it helpful to face it all up front, to be able to ask the 3.4 billion questions and see the response in addition to hearing the response.

I don’t know if my choice has a psychological advantage or not. R is brutally hard. D can be brutally hard. I ended up in the rare, but happily rebuilt relationship.

We both wanted to R, but I did not want to commit to R unless I thought the likelihood of success was very high.

It seemed obvious to me that the more contact we had, the more I'd be able to read the signs that would predict success or failure of R. Being together allowed me to ask questions whenever I wanted to. Being together also helped me decide whether or not I could accept support from the person whose actions made me want support. Being together gave me the best chance, I thought, of finding deal killers that would make me choose D immediately. Being together made sex easier.

I never thought that separating would help me deal with the roller coaster I was on. I've alwasy been pretty good at distinguishing between thinking and feeling.

There is no one-size-fits-all for recovering from being betrayed - or, if there is, we haven't discovered it yet.

For me I am still undecided on the future of our marriage but reasons I am still here are

1. we have a young child together and he is a great dad. I missed my child when we were apart and I don't want to give up Christmases and birthdays whilst he believes in magic because my twat of a husband decided to have an affair. Its just not fair

2. Financially its easier to be together. I can have a better quality of life for my son and I and don't need to worry about putting food on the table.

3. I would have to give up my pets. After 15 years of having them that is not an easy task but I would need to in order to go into local rental

4. I have no desire to find someone else. I don't want to have more children should I find another partner as I would hate handing my son over every other weekend whilst their half sibling stays with me. As I don't want children and I'm still burnt from love I have no desire to find someone else

5. I was emotionally neglected as a child and experienced trauma and its made me a people pleaser and someone who never puts my own feelings first. I sacrificed myself to help my husband through his mental health crisis and only realise now after therapy how much I've given for others and how much of a doormat I have been my whole life

6. People who preached I should leave offered no practical advice for moving on. They were quick to tell me I deserve more but the reality is my life and my sons life would be drastically effected should I leave and not for the better. The lack of actual practical advice and preaching from a secure marriage, own home and substantial family incomes were not taken seriously by me. Its easy to tell someone what to do when you are not footing the bill! Prime example was as I discussed divorce my siblings announced we should all go on holiday across the world and rent a villa for my dad's big birthday. I had to politely remind them that my marriage was in tatters and therefore my income. It was humiliating

7. I accept my role in the breakdown of our relationship. My own child trauma has left its scars as has his and I wonder if we both address those scars whether we could be better people for each other but only time will tell

[This message edited by DayDreamBeliever at 4:16 PM, Thursday, May 4th]

1st D-Day: I had literally nowhere to go. Was in shock, traumatized, young (Early 20's), and thought love was enough to try again. So I did. (Spoiler alert: Love is never enough)

2nd D-Day: I still have literally nowhere to go but we are separating/separated, no questions about it. We have some conjoined debt that we're paying off this year after which I'll save up enough for an APT payment and I'll be out. XWS has been kind and accommodating so besides not being able to fully heal until we're physically separated and can go NC, things aren't terrible. We have no kids so the hardest part will just be separating joined accounts and bills.

10+ years with someone is hard to walk away from, but I'm 30 now and feel confident in getting this chapter of my life closed so I can start a new and better one!

I guess I can say one positive that has come out of this whole ordeal is I now know cheating of any kind will be an immediate deal-breaker for me going forward. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I'll always believe that. Even if a cheater really does NEVER cheat again, they still have that cheater mentality within them. Some people have it, some people don't. I'd rather wait it out for another person who doesn't.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 5:13 PM, Thursday, May 4th]

Thank you all so much for sharing! It's so good to better-understand different experiences.

I think for me, I never equated distance with being done working on the relationship, not having done "all I could," or really practically limiting being able to talk to WH, or even being able to have sex. I never equated separation with being certain or near-certain I wanted a divorce. I never thought separation precluded reconciliation.

To be fair, were also able to talk and spend time together a lot more than many separated people because I was laid off and he had flexible/reduced work hours. So before January-- even going days every week without speaking much or seeing each other (which I NEEDED)-- we still spent 20-40 hours a week just talking about the infidelity and our relationship, being together, having some sex, etc.

I guess that's a major, pretty unique, circumstance. And the willingness and strong desire of WH to prioritize us and those interactions may be unusual.

It may be that the separation, for me, has always been more like many people's in-home separations or moving bedrooms-- except that I really needed even more physical distance than that. Or maybe my own space, my own safe place to stand on my two feet-- perhaps partly because I've been with WH since before I was a legal adult. I needed to differentiate, as in attachment theory, where a child differentiates from a parent.

If anything, per one comment, I loved him so much and was still codependent enough that I was compelled, almost physically, to protect myself from losing myself in that love, rugsweeping, accepting blame, staying in a relationship where I was filled w/self-doubt d/t gaslighting and so on. Though it wasn't an attempt at manipulation or even a conscious attempt at a 180-- like I said, it was more like a physical compulsion to get away-- leaving him DID lead to the confession and the full truth a few weeks later. And I haven't done it intentionally-- and maybe it wouldn't work if I'd done it intentionally-- but every time there's been more separation (when he had to start leaving the house at times, when we'd switch off with our kid), he's been forced more and more to confront realities he was still trying, in some way, to avoid.

So separation wasn't a strategy on my part to get HIM to do anything-- not at all. It was almost the only thing I could physically and mentally do without losing my mind. But the effect of separation on him has been more productive, more of him leaning in, being reflective, and attempting to fix things, rather than sending a signal that he might as well give up. Hm. Not sure if that's exceptional, or why this seems to have been the case.

I think Sisoon described it perfectly.

When husband came clean this summer that the supposed EA had been a PA I was immediately thrown back to where I had been 7 years before.

If he was not in my line of sight it felt the cheating was happening right then. When he was in the house I needed to be right next to him. When we slept I needed to be touching some part of his body or clothing. Hysterical bonding meant sex multiple times a day versus a baseline of probably every other week. It was clearly a severe attachment injury (also tied to my father and grandfather cheating). I am somewhat embarrassed now though I know it was barely within my control. With kids 16 and 19 it was far far harder to hide it from them than when they were little. I did everything within my power to hide what I was going through. It took weeks to flush the full truth out during which I would fantasize frequently about leaving but never did. I don’t honestly think I could have survived without his support and despite him being the cause I didn’t feel I had any choice but to lean on him. Now I feel much stronger and the dynamic has vastly changed.

I envy you your resilience and independence though I imagine it comes with its own set of challenges.

So, like many/most people, I was absolutely blindsided on D-day. My relationship was not abusive. We didn’t have kids. We owned a house together and although we had been together for 10+ years, we had only been married for a year. I earn god money. My family isn’t local but I could have stayed with a friend or gone to a hotel or something. I hadn’t gotten through logistics yet, but I presumed even on day 1 that it meant we would be getting a divorce.

I didn’t leave. I didn’t feel the need for space or distance. If anything, I wanted him RIGHT NEXT TO ME answering all 6,974 questions that I had and helping me understand what the hell was going on. (Thank goodness D-day occurred on a Saturday morning as we discussed it absolutely non-stop for DAYS.) In fairness, my husband was answering my questions pretty humbly and I wasn’t getting any deflection or gaslighting or DARVO bullshit. Out of principle, I refused to sleep in the same bed as him, but I was actually comforted (somewhat) by his presence.

And I guess if one is afraid that leaving for any length of time will drive the WS into the arms of the AP... Is that a big reason?

This may have been a part of it. I don’t know if I had that conscious thought process, and he was assuring me that ABSOLUTELY no part of him wanted to be with AP (and I had notified OBS that very day so I knew exactly what AP was up to) , but I obviously didn’t believe a word he was saying, and I do think some part of me was being territorial/possessive in a reactionary (rather than reasoned) way. I know I felt DESPERATE when he left to go to work on Monday, even though I knew that OW would not be there.

Although I remained on the fence about R (a big part of me wanted it, but didn’t know if it was possible and was not willing to settle) for a while, I didn’t actually kick him out until 2-3 months later when I learned of some trickle-truth. I think I had been able to process it all a little more by that point and had actually had a chance to think through the ACTUAL practical steps that would be involved in leaving and considered what leaving what look like. At that point, I didn’t want him anywhere near me. When he asked me where he should go, I told him I didn’t care, he could go to AP’s house for all I cared (and I meant it).

….and here we are 6 years later, reconciled.

These are great questions:

But most people, including those not committed to reconciling and not committed to divorcing, don't seem to separate/leave right away, or maybe even at all. Or am I incorrect?

I guess if they think they're permanently leaving, they want to get all ducks in a row before they do, and never look back. But what if they're not sure, or they're considering reconciling?

In response to your first question, at least on this forum, I think you are correct. I think (but have zero basis for my assumption) that the people who generally leave and/or kick out the offending spouse immediately are less likely to be on a forum such as this. I think a lot of reason for being on here is the whole process of deciding how to proceed, whereas if you have pretty much immediately decided that the A is 100% deal breaker for you, while a lot of the emotional aftermath does not necessarily change, there is a much clearer path on which to travel - to the lawyer's office or to divorce court or both.

In relation to your second question, I will use my d-day 2 to address it (just to not confuse you, I describe d-days not as the discovery of new info as I feel that like happened every day for a year+ - I put all those discoveries in the category of "trickle truth" - but d-day 2, 3, 4, etc as the discovery of a new, or ongoing affair after d-day 1 when the BS is led to believe all affairs were over). D-day 1 happened while I was working a contract job out of state so I was already "out" as in geographically not residing in the same house when I first learned for 100% sure of the A. Why I came back and decided to try is a different question I think.

In my case my not leaving post-d-day 2 was a combination of: 1) my job, 2) money generally, 3) total shock and disbelief about what had happened to the point I felt like I wasn't safe to even drive my car, 4) no "friends" of my own in the vicinity of where we lived that I could stay with which would allow me to still go to work everyday, and 5) yes, wanting to be "sure" I wanted to leave as I felt like if I left I would not be going back. My not leaving after I had sorted out most of 1-5 (aside from 4) above was COVID lockdown. I would have been gone in early 2020 instead of mid-2021 but for COVID.

EDIT:

Upon further thought I would add 6) "I wanted to try to understand what is impossible to understand" and 7) I did not want WS and AP to "win" - I didn't want to make it easy for them and I felt it was unfair for me to bear all the burden.

Most of my reasons were valid, but some (such as #7) were really stupid (life isn't fair - and never will be - sometimes you will win without trying and sometimes you will get your _____ handed to you when you don't feel you deserve it), which I knew then and moreso in hindsight.

Also, I intended to move FAR away (as in multiple flight hours away) if I did leave. I was not particularly attached to the geographic area where we lived. I did not want to spend money, once I managed to save some, on an apartment down the street (our house was my WH's pre-marital asset so there was no question if anyone left it would have to be me) - I wanted to be long gone. So the moving out, living down the road, where I knew no one but the circle of friends WH and I shared, all of which were his friends before I came along, sounded like PAYING to be in prison. If I was going to be miserable I was not going to spend one more cent of my money doing so, so that I could afford to leave eventually if I decided I wanted to. Which brings my final reason:

8) I didn't want to leave. I wanted things to work out. I wanted my WH to be a person he was not. Even after d-day 2 and a year of False-R, and even though I knew the chances were slim to none, I wanted...

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:19 PM, Thursday, May 4th]

Emergent8

I read your post do you think when you found out a trickle truth as I have heard it be called and kicked him out 2 to 3 months later do you think that helped your reconciliation. I'm asking because I'm feeling like at first I couldn't see myself away from him for reasons I have read I had millions of questions and needed to be sure he could answer them, but now I'm finding out a truth that was not at all what he said for 6 months lied and it makes me want to make him leave so he realizes what he could loose vs being at home with me and I feel he doesn't realize what it wouod be like to be without me unlike when I first found out about his affair. Now I feel like time apart would be better.

Emergent8.....do you think when you found out a trickle truth as I have heard it be called and kicked him out 2 to 3 months later do you think that helped your reconciliation.

In a way, yes, but that's not why I did it. I think that my very strong reaction to the TT I learned a few months post-d-day showed my husband EXACTLY how much the truth mattered to me (which I felt I had already made pretty clear but....). In the grand scheme of things, the actual details of the TT didn't matter all that much (and certainly wouldn't have been reason alone to end the marriage), but the fact that he had been lying AT ALL while swearing up and down that I knew the whole truth told me that I was wasting my time in R and that he absolutely could not be trusted. My husband knew our marriage was hanging on by a thread already and after the TT incident he was certain that was it. Honestly, so was I. I turned my phone off that night and did not respond to any of his calls or messages.

The next morning he showed up at the house with breakfast, coffee, and his tail between his legs. On his own, he had made a list of every tiny little bit of trickle truth that was left (THERE WAS A DAMN LIST!!!!). Most of it was relatively insignificant stuff - I honestly don't even understand why it was worth lying about, when what I already knew was so much worse. He swore (again) that was it. On his own, without prompting, he told me he would take a polygraph. The story started to make a little more sense. Talking to him felt different. It was almost like he was relieved that the entire story was out there. Presumably its easier to speak freely when you don't have to keep track of your lies. With time, I finally started to believe him. Looking back, I do feel that event was a bit of a turning point for us in R. Maybe we would have gotten there eventually anyhow, I have no idea, but I have no regrets.

In my mind Diva, if your husband is still lying after 6 months, he is SHOWING YOU that he's not R-material. He is continuing to lie because he feels like the consequence of the truth is worse than the consequence of telling a lie. In that circumstance, I am inclined to agree that you should prepare yourself to get ready to leave. NOT because you want to teach him a lesson in order to manipulate him into telling the truth, but because YOU KNOW that continued lying is unacceptable to you in a partner. If he gets his shit together and figures it out like my husband did then maybe you have something to work with, but right now, it doesn't look that way. By continuing to stay, you are confirming to him that it is better to lie than to risk being truthful.

/End threadjack

[This message edited by emergent8 at 9:41 PM, Thursday, May 4th]

My immediate thought on D-day was to kick him to the curb. He did end up staying at a hotel for 2 or 3 days. I realized if I wanted to try to make it work, I needed him to be home. Even though he had just decimated me, his presence was better than wondering what he was doing. I knew we had a shot at R because he immediately dropped AP, threw her under the bus, called her every name in the book (she had called me with "her version") told her if she contacted either of us we are calling the police. He also got on his hands and knees and begged for a second chance. Also 5 years out and of course rough patches in healing but he has/is treating me the way I deserve.

I'm known in my group of friends as having a temper and when I get mad, run for cover. Anger hit me immediately- shock actually came later, lol. Partly why he stayed nights away at 1st. I told him if he wants a shot he needs to be here with me and for me. I have a full-time job and 4 kids at home. I could barely function, and he gets to go to a nice clean hotel? Nope, part of this was he had to witness the devastation he caused and watch me rage and cry and scream and collapse. And he did. He didn't get to escape that.

Interesting question. I knew immediately I wanted D, but for DD's sake we remained in the same house for 3 months. This is what I remember from those months:

1. I still cooked dinners, prepared his work lunches, and the 3 of us ate dinner together every night.
2. I still did his laundry.
3. We went out with friends a few times, who had no idea what was going on.

At the time, the only reason I had was because I wanted to figure out the best transition strategy for DD and thankfully it worked. Best believe I also did the following though:

1. Cleaned bathroom mold and grout with his toothbrush.
2. The night he moved out, I threw out every remaining thing that reminded me of him: wedding gifts, gifts from him and anything in the house he would have lost his mind about as he's a hoarder (receipts from 10+ years ago, for example). I would have set the pile on fire in front of his mom's house if it wasn't illegal.
3. The week after he moved out, I cut his face out of one of our engagement photos that we had blown up to easel size.
4. I have painstakingly gone through literally thousands of photos in Google to delete him or crop his face out.
5. Tossed spiders and giant dust bunnies in his car.

Now that I think back, a huge part of it was just numbness, and staying on autopilot for DD's sake. I was also lucky enough to find this forum early on in my journey and understand the value of playing the long game, and now going through D I am trying to remain steely and decimate him with everything I know in court.

I'm still on the fence about staying for much longer (I'm a year out), but so far I've only stayed because firstly I have a small child and secondly I am the type of person who sees the good in people & always try to put a positive spin on things. I have lived in hope my husband would change personality & become the amazing person I'd convinced myself he was for 15yrs. I do know that's a fantasy but am giving myself the grace & time to truly accept it until I'm ready to move on, I feel like this is the kindest thing to do for myself.

Personally I was 100% certain on dday that I wanted to R, and also AP had asked WS to move in with him, so I knew that asking her to leave would deliver her straight into his arms.

1 month post dday we are still trying to work out where we are going, but dday was such a shock that I have found that month helpful for me. I am much better prepared emotionally, practically and financially for D than I could have been at that time.

I have spent that time to understand the D process in the UK, seek financial advice and take off the rose tinted glasses to really see what my WS is like, and found that there are aspects about her that I do not like. It has also given me time to think about what our future M would look like if we R.

Generally it has given me time to consider if I really do want to R, and whilst that percentage is still pretty high, it is definitely no longer 100%.