did you read not just friends
Yep I did. Was very interesting, but much more so from her point of view. Sadly she won't be reading it.
No married woman, who isn't poly,is ok with another woman touching her husband.
Apologies Hellfire, I know we disagree on many things but this one I can categorically say that these women have no problem with it in this dynamic. HOWEVER they can see how inappropriate it was at this moment in time. But they are not worried that my wife is after their husbands.
Clearly she's not as sorry,or ashamed, as she(the Pilar of honesty!!) claimed to be.
She's doing nothing to salvage the marriage. You should take that for what it is.
This I do 100% agree with. She is sorry about a lot of things, and has been honest, but is not behaving in a way conducive so saving the marriage. The honesty doesn't make up for the lack of respect as I said in a previous post.
Your wife is conducting herself as a single woman.
Other than the flirting bit, the rest of this statement I agree with. My IC agreed. She has now had that taste of freedom and has checked out. The thing is on the surface she says that she wants to try and save the marriage but the actions don't match that...
The thing with your SO, that she doesn't feel affectionate with you or treats you respectful is simple, she treats you so less because you are not important to her anymore and she doesn't have to pretend anymore, the paint is off. Regardless being in love or not, being in a relationship is always a power dynamic, that said people will do things they normally won't. This includes treating people with respect and "love", because they want something in return or because the opposite person is important to them. You are not anymore. The power dynamic in your "relationship" has shifted.
100% and she has said as much (there is that honesty again!)
Also, even though it was originally supposed to be No Strings Attached sex, she ended up bonding with him and, I hate to tell you this, but she actually fell into some sort of limerance, love type bonding with him.
Yep, she has admitted this.
I think you will eventually rug sweep this whole thing, or go back and consent to her having sex with him again. You may say you won't, but I think you will. Just my opinion.
Nope. Things have steadily gone downhill in my head (even moreso). Even if she can find a way to be apologetic I am not sure I can recover my feelings for her now.
For things I haven't done:
Polygraph - how many people have actually done this? Seems pretty extreme and she has been 'honest' (I totally agree that this isn't enough)
No to closure meet - this seemed a gamble I admit but it did what was needed as far as ending them seeing each other
Total NC with her AP - I am keeping an eye on this one. I think our relationship is doomed either way so this kind of helps with my reasoning if she can't help from responding to him. As I said previously how does anyone actually stop a human (him) contacting another? They said they wouldn't contact each other so how can I control this further?
No to pick me dance- like vacations, Going out with her etc etc - holiday was booked for a year, I wasn't missing that. It did a good job of making things worse between us and...
Enforcing 180 - making me enforce this further. I am pretty much done now.
Regarding the flirting, I have no moral issues per se in the way you describe it as normal cultural currency in your milieu (this from someone who doesn’t know how to nor see when it’s being done with her btw so am no expert!), except you previously seemed to suggest it was an issue for you, so seem to be flip-flopping on the matter. But my main point in commenting is that you are giving your WW far too much commentary for someone who says they are doing the 180. Can’t you see she seems to (from the info you give us) be taking any comments (re how she treats you) like an adolescent would when a parent accuses them of treating the house like a hotel. Water off…
That’s not boundaries. Instead, to a foggy WS, it’s whining. And ineffective. She isn’t remorseful and she isn’t listening. She doesn’t sound even interested.
Everybody’s interpretation of the 180 is different. I’m talking rather more hardline 180 than you seem to be doing as you are trying to keep communication open (like one might in R) and giving her rent free access to your thoughts and head.
Really try not to do this, for your own sense of well-being. No more books, reaching out, trying to evangelise & change her. The 180 is about looking at you, not her in such a focused way.
But you remain very focused on her. Something to think about in IC.
I thought I was clear enough on the flirting, if she wasn't treating me like shit it would be OK. It is the treating me like shit that made it uncomfortable. And yes, (as always) I agree with the rest of what you said. I admit that I wasn't in a mindspace to 180 properly yet, I was hoping that the holiday would see some kind of remorse and the return of some affection. The way I was treated has seen me return not even caring. I have made some calls today to find out how much I can afford re: mortgages etc and honestly don't care what attention she gives me. It might seem a sudden shift and I know there will be more ups and downs to come but at this point that is genuinely where my brain is.