Playedafool (original poster new member #83245) posted at 8:21 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023
My wife and I have been married for 32 wonderful years. We have 3 wonderful grown children. We began seeing each other as FWB 38 years ago when I was married and she was single. Our relationship eventually became romantic and we planned to marry when I left my wife. After about a year and a half of me failing to leave my wife and kids, she informed me she was going to start seeing another guy. I eventually did leave my wife and we eventually married. I was so elated and love blind that I never gave my current wife's fling with this other guy a second thought. I believed her narrative that she never had any feelings for him and never had sex with him.
About a year ago, that period in our lives came up and I innocently asked my wife, what kept this guy (who was a known playboy member at the country club she worked at) "sniffing around" for several months if she wasn't giving him sex. Her answer was "I don't know". As I asked more questions, the answers continued to be "I don't know" or "I don't remember". As more information came out, my innocent curiosity became suspicious inquiry that then evolved into resentment and finally anger. It became quite evident that her fling was quite a bit more than just a ploy to get me to move out and we didn't end up back together because she picked me over him...he stopped seeing her.
My suspicions and anger were worsened by her getting very angry anytime I tried to talk about it. I started thinking about having an affair of my own so she could understand how it felt. I sought professional help (counseling) when I realized this was breaking up our marriage. After about a month of counseling, the therapist got me to put myself in my wife's shoes. I had never thought about what she went through being the "other woman" for so long and having me go home to my ex-wife's bed every night. It was almost like an epiphany. I now understood why she did what she did and why she lied about the whole thing and continues to lie.
I have told my wife that I now understand why she did what she did and that it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that she still sticks with her 35 year old narrative that she never had sex with him and only saw him to make me jealous. Without going into details, this narrative is complete hogwash concocted by a young 23 year old's illogical mind to keep me on the hook or at best, let me down easy.
I find myself spending sleepless nights and consumed days, mauling over every fact, every encounter, things said and things unsaid trying to come to some conclusion about this. None of it makes sense or adds up and it's driving me crazy and effecting our relationship. How do I get over this?
I feel like I've been played a fool
BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 8:34 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023
You married a woman who was happy to be your OW and had no respect for your first marriage. What expectation did you have of honesty or integrity? Why, for that matter, should she be confident that you're honest and faithful to her?
How do you get over this? You accept the fact that you got exactly what you asked for and what you deserve.
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried
I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.
Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 8:36 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023
I believe people call this painful experience as KARMA.
Breachoftrust ( member #66252) posted at 8:37 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023
Your relationship began on lies and cheating. Not sure what you were expecting.
Married 19 years, together 24. 3 children. DD1 2/21/18. DD2 6/7/18 EA. BS 49, WH 50.
DD3 3/30/22 PA
Actions prove who someone is; words prove who someone wants to be.
WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 8:50 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023
Hmmm. Do you have regrets for what you did to your FIRST wife? And just the same, what you did to your kids back then?
I am sorry @Playedafool , but no sympathy from me here. If your current wife did cheat on you, I think you deserve what happened to you i.e., it is a strike from the Karma Bus.
[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:52 PM, Monday, April 24th]
SacredSoulSister ( member #83038) posted at 8:54 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023
The betrayed spouses on this site are all enjoying a bit of schadenfreude.
Don't blame your wife for your foolish choices. Those are all yours. Cheating on one woman while stringing another along, and now you want to obsess over whether or not your 23yo affair partner lied to you in an attempt to make you jealous enough to leave your wife and children? Odds are pretty high that she did. Your entire relationship was built on a shaky foundation of deceit.
Your chickens have come home to roost.
[This message edited by SacredSoulSister at 9:02 PM, Monday, April 24th]
Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 9:10 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023
Your ex-wife says thanks !
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:19 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023
Considering you are a standard issue cake eater, even though you eventually left your wife and married your AP. I would be shocked, truly shocked if you have had 32 faithful years with your wife.
It's amazing that you expect fidelity from an AP considering you were engaged in infidelity with her.
She might not have ever had sex with him. I honestly don't know. If he is a known playboy, he could have just been keeping a line in the water (among many others) even if she wasn't biting.
If she is telling the truth, she is a cold blooded manipulator, attempting to use jealousy to motivate you to end your marriage.
Y'all probably are meant for each other. 32 years.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:25 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023
The only one who was played in this situation, is your ex wife.
It's interesting that your first thought was to have an affair,so your current wifetress would know how it felt.
That shows you've done no work on yourself. You still see cheating as an acceptable thing to do..as long as you're the cheater.
So your wife is married to a cheater, and you're married to an OW. Sounds perfect.
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 10:15 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023
You will find some helpful articles in the Healing Library. What you're experiencing is fairly normal for a BS (betrayed spouse). What complicates things is that your situation is that you were unfaithful to your previous wife.
I would suggest you stay in IC (Individual Counseling) to help you get through the baggage that goes with infidelity. You may need some meds to get through, as it does take time for your brain to process through what you thought was the truth versus reality.
It doesn't make sense because there are so many lies involved, even to one's self, that you may not be able to unravel all of the mess.
Edit to remove Mad Hatter term.
[This message edited by leafields at 1:31 AM, Tuesday, April 25th]
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 10:31 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023
If I read the post right, OP is ruminating on the fact that his AP dated another man while he was refusing to actually leave his wife for AP. She did so exclusively to make him jealous/give him FOMO. She alleges she didn't have sex with this man, but he doesn't believe her. Something has recently caused him to want to dig in to why he accepted her manipulation to leave his cake eating arrangement and be with her (allegedly) exclusively.
OP is not a mad hatter. He is a (former?) cheater that married his AP. His AP was simply not exclusive with him while he was cheating on his (now ex) wife with her.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
Lsja ( member #74526) posted at 10:43 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023
This has to be a joke, right???
The selfishness is off the charts! All I could think while reading the original post was; what about your poor x wife? what did you do to her?!
landclark ( member #70659) posted at 4:18 AM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
It’s rather funny to me that married people expect their single APs to be exclusive. Is that the definition of irony? This scenario should really be added to the Alanis song.
Since it wasn’t really a relationship since you were already in one with somebody else, not seeing how she even cheated on you, honestly. There can be no real expectation of fidelity when one person is actively in a marriage with somebody else.
Guessing this post is fake and the intention was to trigger people, and happily that seems to be failing. On the off chance it’s not fake, sounds like you got hit with the karma bus. Maybe go apologize to your ex now that you know what it feels like.
Me: BW Him: WH (GuiltAndShame) Dday 05/19/19 TT through August
One child together, 3 stepchildrenTogether 13.5 years, married 12.5
First EA 4 months into marriage. Last ended 05/19/19. *ETA, contd an ea after dday for 2 yrs.
SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 1:00 PM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
SkipThumelue ( new member #82934) posted at 2:02 PM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
I know there are some positing that this post is fake, but knowing my own wayward thinking and behavior I find it very believable.
Playedafool, you've both got a tough road ahead. A good IC well-versed in adultery will help you unpack the things you've been stuffing down for 32 years, and probably long before then.
Please keep posting here. It helps all of us, especially us WS.
Reconciling and extremely grateful
I do not accept PMs
"The truth is like a lion. You don't have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself." - St. Augustine
Dennylast ( new member #78522) posted at 2:07 PM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
This is not real. Let me add that to joke around on this site with those that have dealt with the worst emotional pain there is is contemptible.
[This message edited by Dennylast at 2:10 PM, Tuesday, April 25th]
WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 8:40 PM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
Calling out members will not be tolerated.
Wayward thinking takes many forms.
Please come to moderators with specific concerns. Do not post unless you are able to do so with respect.
OP, I hope you take this opportunity to do some hard work on yourself to become healthy.
Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.
Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 9:41 PM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
You two weren't married, you were actively married to (and presumably fucking) another woman, and you somehow categorize her (your AP) having a relationship, as a single available woman, with a single available man as cheating?
The wayward mind is fascinating and unbelievable all at the same time!
How in the hell did she cheat on you? And her sex life while you were married to another woman is none of your damn business and never will be.
Many DDays. Me (BW) 48 Him (WH) 51
Happily detached and compartmentalized.
3yrsout ( member #50552) posted at 11:19 PM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
I have a theory that people can actually be truly in love with an AP. It’s their own version of love, different than my definition. And I’m sure that it is different than the definition of love in the minds of most BS.
But let’s say you both found your true loves 38 years ago and you happened to be mistakenly married to the "wrong" woman when you found each other.
So what. Your wife had a fling. She wasn’t married to you. She didn’t owe you anything. Why are you obsessing? And 38 years out. This strikes me as a maturity issue, and it isn’t fair to her.
She had no vows to you until you married her. If she was married to you, then she owes you something resembling fidelity.
But not until then.
That’s only when you’re married. When you vow to your god and yourself and your spouse. So she owed you nothing. You only owe that to people you marry….
Playedafool (original poster new member #83245) posted at 7:29 PM on Thursday, April 27th, 2023
My post was real and accurate. There are obviously many hurt people out there to relish in my pain, to see that karma happened to me and to pass judgement without knowing all the details.
For most of your gratification, I feel horrible about my affair. It haunts me to this day. I did everything I could financially and custodial to minimize the negative effects of my divorce on my ex and our children. For your information, my ex moved on, trapped another man into marriage and had 2 more children with him.
Yes, I was trapped and misled into marrying my ex. I never loved her so I was fair game and vulnerable to another woman’s temptations. The only thing that kept me in that marriage was my children. It’s horrible to say but when push came to shove, I put my love for my current wife over living with my children. For all of you who wish me harm for this, I feel bad about this and am paying for it to this day. Also, there is nothing more I can do for my ex because she passed away 3 years ago.
I’m not looking for sympathy or acceptance or even forgiveness. I reached out to this group hoping someone had advice to help me get over the realization that my current wife had misrepresented a fling she had while we were in a committed relationship with each other. It appears many of you would prefer I go on being tormented by my past actions. Hopefully, someone out there can find it in their heart to not be judgmental and give me some advice on how to let the past go and live in the present.
I feel like I've been played a fool