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Wayward Side :
BS Questions in I Can Relate

Topic is Sleeping.
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 BraveSirRobin (original poster member #69242) posted at 3:06 PM on Wednesday, April 19th, 2023

Hey all!

This is one of my periodic plugs for the "BS Questions for WS" thread in the I Can Relate forum. Under the guidelines, BS can only pose questions to us in that thread. This restriction is in place both to make it easy for BS to find responses and to keep this forum dedicated to our own work.

We hear often that the BS Questions thread is one of SI's most appreciated assets. Many betrayed spouses, especially those who are considering reconciliation, need insight into the wayward mindset that their spouse may be unwilling or unable to provide. Some of those WS may be deeply in avoidant mode, while others may be willing to express what they were thinking but not have the language to describe it. Either way, a WS resource on SI who is willing to answer questions can help the BS along on the road to understanding and help them make informed decisions about their own path.

Despite the commonalities of the infamous "cheater's handbook," WS are not a monolithic group. Our affairs may have been PAs, EAs, long term, serial, years ago, before marriage, exit affairs, cake eating, and a host of other variations. Understandably, some BS are most interested in hearing from WS who are the same gender as their own wayward spouse. The more participants we have on that thread, the more useful our feedback can be.

I hope you'll consider stopping by to see if you have insights to contribute.

WW/BW

posts: 3598   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8787532
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:33 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023

No STOP sign, so....

IMO, I benefited from hearing about more experiences than fewer, so I urge you not to hesitate to be the 3rd or 14th or whatever responder to a question.

Also, quoting a question can help readers understand responses when there are more than a couple of posts between Q & A.

I write the above because when I was new here, those answers were very, very helpful to me. Answering Qs did a lot to remind me that WSes are human beings not unlike BSes. smile

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29576   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8788330
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Vocalion ( member #82921) posted at 9:51 PM on Monday, April 24th, 2023

I am just one of many, I am sure who are very grateful for the range of questions posed and the thoughtful answers. After D Day I felt so alone, confused, angry and scared. The help I received and internalized has been and continues to be so vakuable.. A big double bump!

posts: 192   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2023   ·   location: San Diego
id 8788379
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Howcthappen ( member #80775) posted at 2:28 AM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023

I’m relatively new here. I wish more than one WS would answer my questions. I wish more WS would contribute. It’s very helpful.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 181   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8788422
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 12:30 AM on Sunday, April 30th, 2023

BSR,

You wrote, Despite the commonalities of the infamous "cheater's handbook," WS are not a monolithic group. Our affairs may have been PAs, EAs, long term, serial, years ago, before marriage, exit affairs, cake eating, and a host of other variations.

Reminds me of the quote, "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." by Tolstoy.

I do value the testimony of WS as it gives me greater insight into how my WW was thinking at the time.

Often the WWs won't say how they really felt, even here where they are anonymous, for fear of being judged or criticized or losing their lifestyle.

posts: 1443   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8789024
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 11:49 PM on Thursday, May 11th, 2023

Thank you BSR. As the BS of a LTA w/multiple DDays [same LTAP] and her refusing to let go so much that a Cease & Desist had to be sent - that form has been invaluable to me. That form was instrumental in much of my healing.

While I don't ask as many questions as I used to in there, I read from there frequently. And gain great insight.

Thank you to all who take the time to read and respond.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3741   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8790524
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 BraveSirRobin (original poster member #69242) posted at 2:42 PM on Sunday, May 14th, 2023

I'd also like to echo the point that there's no such thing as too many answers to the same question. I usually try to respond to everything that I can so that no inquiry is left hanging, but sometimes that means that my experience is only tangentially relevant.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 2:43 PM, Sunday, May 14th]

WW/BW

posts: 3598   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8790857
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 2:41 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

Great post BSR,

When we were in true R there were still things that didn't make sense. I found ICR to be so valuable and shed light on things I couldn't wrap my head around. Thank you FWS's for staying and helping others.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3302   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8790989
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cedarwoods ( member #82760) posted at 2:45 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

I also found BS Questions for WS to be very helpful. I appreciate the honesty and the willingness of WS to share their stories and experiences. Thank you!

posts: 142   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8790991
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hikingout ( member #59504) posted at 5:40 PM on Friday, May 19th, 2023

Often the WWs won't say how they really felt, even here where they are anonymous, for fear of being judged or criticized or losing their lifestyle.

I don’t agree with this. Have you spent time over in that forum recently? What makes you think it’s lies? Personally I don’t have any fear of saying anything I felt during the affair, and I can’t think of a single veteran here that does either. And those are usually the only people answering the question.

I didn’t answer this to be combative. I answered this because I wonder if the things you imagine is true are projections? And I don’t believe those projections are helpful. Sounds like you want for us to say specific things to touch your own pain? Remember, just because we think something doesn’t make it true.

It’s the only explanation I can come up with knowing that what I read over there from
Fellow waywards resonates as my own experience so I feel it’s honest.

7 years of hard work - WS and BS - Reconciled

posts: 6704   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8791695
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Sunny69 ( member #65876) posted at 10:00 AM on Sunday, May 28th, 2023

I found this page and the wayward forum to be a significant part of my healing process. To help me process and understand stuff my WS was unable to do, as he lacked honesty and lack of empathy in the early stages. I thank each and every wayward who posted on this sight. I much as I found some stuff really triggerery/painful in the beginning it helped me get to a point off acceptance. So a very big shout out to the Waywards who, whilst going through their journey, are posting and still make time to post even today. Some are probably deemed veterans now as I recognise the contributors whose journey overlapped mine post DDay. I am now almost 6 years post DDay. We are still together and finally getting to a place of 'normality'. But it has been a long hard process and one I don't think you ever 'get over' you just learn to live with it being part of your journey together. Like you do, the death of a loved one. Thank you again to all the Waywards who post 💕🙏🏻

posts: 125   ·   registered: Aug. 18th, 2018   ·   location: Uk
id 8792873
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Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 7:23 PM on Sunday, May 28th, 2023

I have to echo Sunny69’s post. My WW for 2 years was rug sweeping and I really wanted to know what she may have been feeling as she was never eager to share willingly. It’s because if you Wayward on this site that I was able to be compassionate to her during this time. A huge thank you is in order here.

posts: 173   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8792889
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 BraveSirRobin (original poster member #69242) posted at 7:28 PM on Monday, May 29th, 2023

Thank you all for the feedback. It goes both ways, for sure. I'm forever grateful to all the betrayed spouses here who have extended advice and compassion to myself and other waywards. I needed those voices so much to help me learn how to heal myself and to properly support my BH's healing.

The BS Questions thread is one of the principal reasons I'm still here on the site even though my husband and I are well along the path to R.

WW/BW

posts: 3598   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8792993
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straightup ( member #78778) posted at 8:53 PM on Monday, May 29th, 2023

BSR

When I came to this site and read posters like DaddyDom and yourself, I recognized something I could work with, if I saw my wife’s version of that.

It encouraged me to leave a space open for longer than I would have.

I won’t go on. But, thanks.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 308   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8793000
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oldmewasmurdered ( member #79473) posted at 5:49 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

BS here. Just want to voice how appreciative of all the WSes who answer on that thread. Thank you for your bravery, and for your insights. It's invaluable resource for a BS to finally receive some answers to questions that would otherwise never get answered.

posts: 119   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8796289
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40kSpaceMarine ( member #83389) posted at 6:30 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

Bravery??

[This message edited by 40kSpaceMarine at 6:30 PM, Wednesday, June 21st]

BH

posts: 68   ·   registered: May. 28th, 2023
id 8796298
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oldmewasmurdered ( member #79473) posted at 6:35 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

Bravery??

Yes, bravery from the fWS to face the realities of who they really were, and to repeatedly write down the ugly truths for all to see. Most WSes aren't capable of that. I know my WF wasn't capable.

posts: 119   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8796299
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 7:45 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

Bravery??

Absolutely, to stay here and help others while having to deal with their own mess. I commend them, and i didn’t truly start to heal until the FWS here helped me work through some things.

Much respect.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3302   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8796311
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 12:43 AM on Thursday, June 22nd, 2023

I don’t think I’ve posted anything on the questions thread, but I’ve read most/all of it and am deeply, deeply grateful for the WS’s that post there. And yes, I do think it takes bravery on their parts to put themselves out there and try to help people with their honest reflection.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 595   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8796359
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:09 AM on Thursday, June 22nd, 2023

As a BS, it took me a long time to be able to read in the Wayward forum. I still get triggered by some posts, so I'm selective in posting.

I've found reading informative in understanding the WS mindset. It is a good resource to see if the WS is doing the work to be a safe partner. I appreciate so many posters who are willing to lay it all out for all to read.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3125   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8796394
Topic is Sleeping.
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