Some responses ...
Why can't AN at least consider this strategy or tactic to obtain an equal partner?
Because '2 wrongs make a right' is a strategy that is doomed to fail. I suspect most teenagers have learned that.
How many teenagers are in joyful long term relationships? I don't know, but I'm a lot happier and more effective as an adult than I was in HS.
It's been said that we're telling AN what not to do (don't coerce), and we need to tell him what to do.
I disagree - I think AN has been given advice on what to do, but it's been missed, and it's obviously been subtle.
Hikingout said it best: (something like) WS needs to be willing to change what she does OR BS needs to D. I'd add that AN could also choose to stay in this M without changes in the sex, but that, too, would best be a 'be willing or D' choice.
My W was always triggered by sex. She often froze when faced with it, and she was usually afraid to participate as much as part of her wanted to. She usually felt sometimes yes, sometimes no, but most of the time maybe. Our resolution was for her to turn every 'maybe' to 'yes' or 'no' and to choose 'no' only when she was certain that was the right answer for her at that time. She also worked in IC to separate here and now from her CSA.
That solved our specific problem. AN and his W need to find the solution that works for them.
I'm all for making this a requirement for R - not just for AN, but for everybody who considers or chooses R. R is worth the effort, IMO, only if a couple (or more) build a new M that serves all partners. Part of that is deciding what desires rise to the level of needs - and if the need isn't met, it's time to split.
For me, an active, joyful sex life is a requirement. I think I'd have walked if my W hadn't changed her approach to sex. My advice to AN, then about what to do is this: decide what your deal killers are and let your W know what they are. If she signs on to satisfy your requirement, great - R is possible. If she won't sign on, great - it's time to D.
I don't think any of us are telling AN to stifle himself. I do think that many of the posters who are outraged at AN's W's behavior just don't see that the advice includes '...and D if your WS won't agree to a resolution you can embrace.'
Maybe you can explain how a WS is psychologically traumatized by having an affair?
IMO. it's more likely that many WSes have the A because of trauma experienced previous to the A. It's the previous trauma that left the hole that the WS wants to fill.
The A adds to the trauma for those WSes who take some responsibility for themselves. If they take responsibility, even at a pre-conscious level, the A will give them many reasons to beat themselves up. They have to deal with the cognitive dissonance of violating their vows and wanting to be a 'good' person, et.c, etc., etc.
That may not apply to all WSes, but it most definitely applies to many.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:15 PM, Sunday, March 19th]