Not sure if I am seeking advice, or just needing to rant, but here goes.
As part of MC following WW disclosure of her PA back in August 2020, we have regular reviews of our progress, and commit to continuing R for a period of time following each C-day (Commitment Day). The periods are not fixed, and have been as short as 4 weeks, or as long as 3 months. The idea is that we commit to keep going for as long as we can see that there is progress to be made and will not quit during that time to provide the other partner with certainty. The next C-day is in a couple of weeks.
At this stage, I'm not sure things are getting better for me - not sure I have it in me to move forwards, and if that is the case, whether there is any point to prolonging the inevitable. I guess I'm seeking advice as to how to move on from being stuck, and if others have any supportive suggestions on things I can do.
So as background, WW and I are currently in MC following her disclosure of an 18 month PA with (what I thought was) a mutual acquaintance of ours in August 2020 during the COVID lockdowns. Unlike many of you on here, I was completely oblivious to what was going on. I did not suspect a thing, even though looking back, the signs were all there. the COVID lockdowns caused a pause to their PA whilst we were all required to stay at home.
WW became quite down and depressed during the lockdown period, so at my urging she took advantage of our Government's offer for free IC sessions via video conferencing during the COVID lockdowns. It was during those sessions with her counsellor that WW disclosed details of her PA. WW worked with the counsellor, and decided that she wished to end it with the AP and R with me.
WW broke the news to me during one of her sessions. As had happened before, I was invited to join the session to discuss issues that WW wished me to know from their sessions. After some preliminary discussions with the counsellor, I was asked to prepare myself and promise to allow WW to finish before responding. WW disclosed the PA, the identity of her AP, along with details of the A. WW promised she had ended things, and initiated NC, and wanted desperately to R with me. Honestly, I felt trapped, stunned, as the details poured out. WW had prepared detailed timelines, copies of SMS, whatsapp messages, emails etc. with AP including NC letter and the responses she had received from AP, and along with a detailed letter on why she wanted to R and not continue the A. I had "won" she told me (I didn't even know I was in a competition!) I have been in contact with the OBS and am satisfied that WW is being as truthful and transparent as to the details of the A.
Since that time, WW has been a "model wayward". Working to reconnect with me, becoming accountable, being forthcoming with her whereabouts at all times, passwords to phones/email/etc and continuing with IC, and initiating MC when I (thought) I was ready, even offering multiple times to submit to a poly if I needed to know anything else. (I don't - I'm satisfied that I know everything I want to know and more!), as well as disclosing her A to parents and our teenage children etc. She knows she has wounded me and our family deeply and takes full ownership of everything. Basically, she is more than doing the work. I can't claim to be the model BH in all this, and I have made some spectacular mistakes and missteps, but here we are.
But..... (and you all knew there would be a but)...
There are 2 things I just can't seem to get past.
1. I was oblivious, and I was part of a "pick me" dance without my knowledge. The way DD occurred, I really didn't have an opportunity to start a 180. I feel like I have been weighed and measured by WW and IC and deemed worthy in absentia. I wasn't really part of the process. I just can't help but feel I've been cheated, even in the R.
2. Sexually, WW was basically another person with AP, where nothing appeared to be off limits to her. Sex acts that have never been on the table in our M were offered freely and enthusiastically to AP. The SL of WW and I has always been what could be best described as very vanilla, limited to some basic making out and missionary with frequency matching a LD WW. WW describes that time as role playing and "being another person", and indeed WW refers to herself as "she" when describing that time even now. Since the disclosure, she emphatically states that she does not want to be that person, that she is deeply embarrassed and mortified at what "she" did, and absolutely has no desire to role play that person at any time in the future. So basically, AP has a part of WW that I never (and will never) experience. WW says she equates those acts with a deep shame, and will not entertain sharing any of that part with me - she says that "isn't her, and never was" and that the mere thought of it "repulses her". I should add that vanilla is offered freely and frequently which is a key difference to before, and is clearly part of the work she is putting in.
IC and MC encourage us to state our boundaries, and emphasise that neither one of us should feel pressured into pushing beyond those boundaries, and should be respected by the other party. I understand the concept and agree with this.
After working through all the other issues, I just don't know how to move past the 2 above. I don't seem to be able to process them, and it doesn't seem to be changing. The gnawing knot in my stomach when I think of those 2 things doesn't seem to have changed at all.
So I am looking for advice I guess, encouragement maybe? Do I need to give it more time? commit to a further 1, 3 or 6 months? or do I call time and accept the fallout as our family disintegrates.
DDay August 2020.