A wife has long come to terms that her husband just isn't the type of guy who is going to make grand romantic gestures. He doesn't make a fuss over Valentine's Day. He buys her scented candles for her birthday every year, doesn't say "I love you" that often, never brought her flowers, etc. It's disappointing at times, but overall, she thought he was a good spouse and good man, so she didn't make a fuss out of it.
Then Dday happens. BW learns that her WH wrote reams of effusive love poetry for his OW. He bought her lavish gifts, left her notes, and made her mix tapes. He also regularly took OW to Michelin-starred restaurants... during the same year that he took his BW to Cracker Barrel for their anniversary.
Now they're sitting in MC and WH wants to reconcile. BW says, "I want you to win me over and romance me the way you did for your OW. I don't want another scented candle for my birthday; this year, I want a necklace. If you can't do that, I don't know if I want to reconcile."
To this the WH replies, "You would leave me over a necklace? Ugh, you're just like every other woman... all you care about are fancy gifts!"
I was in this situation with the only difference that WH was as lousy with OW as he was with me, ie. he didn’t buy her gifts or send her flowers.
Nevertheless post dday I had this train of thought: I’ve compromised and gave up romantic gestures in my marriage because I was getting something very valuable, to me, in return, loyalty and a faithful spouse. He did not see the value in our relationship even with said compromise and considered it worthless, why would I accept the same agreement terms when these have be broken?
I don’t believe your WW wishes to manipulate you necessarily, I do believe though that she has a victim mindset: the bad boy entered her life and made her perform oral sex, she got to experience her bad girl fantasies and now she wants to go back to being the immaculate woman again, thank you very much.
That is her right by the way, I truly believe you should respect her choice, but I don’t see how you would find a solution to remain together. I personally could not go back to missionary position in the dark (unless that was not a compromise for you and you were indeed 100% happy with that type of sex, never wanting more).
For me reconciliation is about growth in both WSes and BSes. I would never be able to accept the same offer of a relationship as pre affair believing the real WS was the one pre dday. The real him cheated. Sure, I can take into consideration who he was pre affair to decide if he’s worthy of remaining in my life overall but if he wants to remain married he needs to experience growth. Growth comes with considering my needs and wants too, not expecting me to only consider his.
I used to say "my husband is rubbish at buying me gifts but hey, I can’t complain otherwise". Well…. Once he cheated I couldn’t say that anymore. That doesn’t mean that he is 100% a great gift giver now, it means that we discussed it and met in the middle, he knows that never again would taking me shopping for my birthday be acceptable (the lazy option) but I am willing to spell out what I would like to be gifted in advance.
The problem here isn’t really that your wife won’t give you BJs, the problem is that she is not even considering your desires at all, is not willing to discuss it and is trying to blame YOU for divorcing her for BJs.
She had no issues doing so with a stranger. Yes, I get the psychology of it, however she could have stopped at several points if she truly is finding those sex acts so disgusting. She didn’t stop. She did them for herself because she wanted to experience them and feel like the bad girl. But she has no desire to do them for you, or better said with you. For me that’s telling the usual story of an ego centric cheater who is willing to go to huge lengths to get their fix but cares very little of their BSs wants and desires.
[This message edited by Luna10 at 10:52 PM, Friday, March 17th]