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Newest Member: rmf2rmv

Just Found Out :
Everythıng just changed in a day


VezfromTaz ( member #80815) posted at 10:15 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Something interesting about Liya's post. Not saying Liya's post wasnt coming from a place of good intent, but you were accused of being controlling, which you say isnt true, and you then spent a paragraph denying it. You dont need to deny something that isnt true. You know who you are, how you've conducted yourself.

A manipulative person/partner will go on the offensive, point the finger at you and make you justify yourself, even if you've done nothing wrong. It is called DARVO.

anyway, you've got an IC to talk this stuff through

[This message edited by VezfromTaz at 10:20 AM, Monday, March 13th]

posts: 97   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8781918

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:05 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

I’m not sure I agree with LIYA13’s assessment regarding your clingy nature causing or, motivating her, to some degree, to cheat. Perhaps I misunderstand?

It seems to me you became naturally extra vigilant after many red flags 🚩 and your gut instincts were raging.

It’s concerning that your WW downloaded a hook up app. That shows premeditation. It’s not like she went down some slippery slope of emotions and attraction. It’s not like a drunken one-night-stand. This wasn’t a mistake. She made many very conscious decisions to cheat and then followed through on them.

It would be interesting to find out how long ago she downloaded the app, how many people she was in communications with, and the depth and nature of these communications. She should be immediately handing over all her tech if she is requesting Reconciliation (R). Full and immediate transparency is universally expected in the wake of discovery and a request for R. Don’t give her the opportunity to erase evidence. Get all passwords and apps and gather as much information on the depth and breadth of her betrayal so that you can make the best possible informed decisions going forward.

You two should still be in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. Cheating this early in your marriage is not a good sign.

posts: 1103   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8782025

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:26 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

So life was a bit challenging and cheating was the choice made. This early in a marriage 🚩🚩🚩

I think two people can overcome almost anything if both are 100% committed to doing the work and making changes. Unfortunately the search of the AP’s name is not a good sign for a chance to Reconcile or that the cheater will change.

What will happen 10 years from now and there is a sick child? Or child with a disability? Or parents start having health problems? Or you lose your job?

Will the choice be yo run out and cheat? It might if the underlying issues are not addressed.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 13067   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8782031

Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 9:24 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023


I've been on these boards for over six years.

I've come to learn that many of us have different opinions on just about everything.

Sometimes some people say things that I find helpful. Sometimes other people say things that I dont find helpful.

I've come to learn to "take what I need and leave the rest".

Despite your pain, I hope you follow my lead.

One day at a time.

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5476   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8782042

GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 9:31 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Liya - nice victim-blaming! Huzzah!

posts: 2804   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8782044

Notagain6526 ( new member #82911) posted at 9:51 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Someone posted earlier that you are only recently married with no children so this is your time to get out rather than regret much later in life.

I agree.

I found out WH was having an affair days after we married. After alot of back and forth I decided to stay and R. Alot of work, alot of shame and alot of thinking I'd get over it but in truth I never really did. Fast forward 10 years - few babies later and I find out he's having multiple affairs. It never really stopped but my ability to look for it did because I was too busy building my home and being a mum.

I'm 39 now and I wish it was 10years ago and I could have left and started again - oh how easier that would be than having Brought beautiful.children into this life with an absolute hellish man as their dad.

It may feel so utterly helpless right now but it's heartbreak and you will get over it and love again - I wished someone had told me that again part of me getting back with WH was that I never thought I'd get over the feeling of heartbreak and I'd never love again. I would have and it would have been with someone who deserved me.

[This message edited by Notagain6526 at 9:53 PM, Monday, March 13th]

posts: 41   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2023
id 8782051

bob7777 ( new member #79867) posted at 10:51 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

She's just clinging to you and love bombing you because you are the "only" one who she really knows in this "foreign" country. Since the last guy "ended" their "affair" she has no immediate guy as a fall back.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2022
id 8782066

 TheDesperateSilence (original poster new member #83034) posted at 11:10 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Thank you very much for all your messages.

I want to give a small update on this, the third meet up did not happen on 24th of December. It was on 8th of January. (I made a mistake about the dates, I misunderstood her.) So she had almost like 19 days of flirting on the phone between the sex and foreplay(gift day), and we were like fighting and trying to solve the issue related to 20th of December, the gift day. (All the lies) She was sick at home, and she was begging me not to leave her whenever we argue during that period. We were also having sex like crazy. But still, she did have sex with him on 8th of January. I discovered where she went on the gift day from her tablet on 5th of January, but I waited for her to recover from sickness to say that. If I directly went to her, maybe she would not be with him on 8th of January. Because I took her to in front of the APs house on 9th and she ended the affair on 9th of January. She says she felt really scared that I figured everything out and did not want to lose me. When I ask her why she was not afraid when actually doing it, she says she thought I would never be able to figure it out, and she felt excited because she liked flirting with him and he made her feel highly valued. Also I was unable to ejaculate when having sex with her, she wanted to see if the problem is related to me or her. But I was taking care of her at home while she was sick and she was always expressing her grattitude towards me, sometimes even bursting into tears and saying she loves me. I cannot believe how someone can feel like this and do those things at the same time.

Today she will prepare me a letter with the full truth with a timeline, and I also have spoken to the AP to get some of the details if what she says was true. It seems like she is finally telling me the truth, but after all those lies, i am not sure if it still means something. The bad thing is, AP also did not know she was married and he was thinking that they were starting a relationship together. So she was acting like she was his girlfriend...

Whatever I faced in the last couple of months were really difficult for me. I am experiencing something like this for the first time in my life. Thank you very much for being here and helping everyone who faces issues like this. To be alone in these kind of situation might be devastating.

Yesterday, I also told her brother about the A. He was really mad at her at first, but then he calmed down and invited us for a dinner to talk about all this. I accepted but she refused. She says she is not ready to face her brother with this truth yet. So I did not push her for this and it is postponed.

Whenever I ask why she didnt tell me the truth on 11th of January, she says because of her fear of losing me. But this fear should have been triggered during the A, not afterwards. I told her like 10 times, If i would find any other lies, then I would leave her for good. So she should have told me the entire true story and the story she told turns out to be a lie again. I feel like it is time for me to keep my promise. My heart tells me to get away immediately because the longer I stay, the more my feelings towards her are taking control to affect my decision. I still love her and I mean it, but I am pretty sure I will go mad with excessive overthinking if I continue with someone I completely dont trust.

She also had an IC meeting today and she told me that she wants to get rid of all her bad personality traits and her lying habit. She says she is ready to do anything in her power, and IC also has given her a hope. I want to believe something good can come out from this relationship eventually, but I do not want to take any risks anymore.

I will talk to my IC about my thoughts as well and will try to make the best decision as much as I can in this period. I will also provide update here as well if something new comes up. Thank you very much everyone.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Netherlands
id 8782072

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:37 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Your wife is damaged. It sounds like she wants you to be her support while she runs around flirting and having sex with others. She has completely broken your marriage. And she does not appear to have any boundaries. She keeps making promises that she breaks.

Please take care of yourself. This kind of stress can cause actual damage to your body. You might need help from a dr for anxiety and sleeplessness. Both can harm you.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3807   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8782077

Tron ( member #50936) posted at 12:49 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

Life threw her a small curve and she cheated. This is a very short marriage, with no kids, and one where she cheats during the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship.

She flunked her tryout and there is no going back. She acknowledges that she is damaged. And now you cannot trust her. As life partners go, she has shown that she is a bad choice of partner.

Let her go. Get out now and divorce.

It will never be easier or cheaper.

posts: 169   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2015   ·   location: Texas
id 8782090

ocdude ( new member #53335) posted at 1:16 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

Her actions has changed you. Continued suspicion ,jealousy, and lack of trust is the poison that kills slowly. It poisons the mind AND the body slowly until ones love for someone starts to fade. You are so early in your marriage and she has consciously done this to you. You have to decide if this is the way you want to live the rest of your life and with this relationship

posts: 45   ·   registered: May. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: Western US
id 8782094

LostOpportunities20 ( member #74401) posted at 3:25 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023


Many betrayed spouses reconcile. Someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you'll find that typically it is because there is something deep/complicated that drives them towards R.

It is typically one or both of the following:

- Children

- Financial hurt from ending a LONG TERM marriage or other financial entanglements

You have neither of these issues.

Your W has shown you that you aren't that important to her. Whatever she says, she is willing to harm you.

She didn't think you would figure it out. That means she was intentionally taking away your agency to make decisions for yourself. She would have been playing around with another guy while you were devoting time and resources to the marriage.

Of course she is crying and telling you how much she "loves" you. She got caught and is scared of her world turning upside down.

The person you love does not exist. Your W is not who you thought she was.

Barring some other factor that I don't know about, you would be best served by getting out of this situation. And in her case, she has family, so she will not be abandoned and alone in a foreign land.

Prayer and thoughts for you, brother.

[This message edited by LostOpportunities20 at 3:25 AM, Tuesday, March 14th]

BH (late 40s) WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

Leaning towards D, thinking harder about R

posts: 205   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8782105
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