Hello dear valuable members of this beautiful forum,
To begin with, I am truly sorry that I had to find this forum but I am glad I did.
I have been reading this forum and trying to comfort myself by looking into stories of everyone to learn lessons from experience of others. Thank you very much for creating such a great community and family.
Like many others here, I also faced infidelity for the last couple of months and I am not sure what to do. After some reading sessions here, I decided to share my story here as well. Even sharing here might make me feel better but I also highly appreciate all your suggestions and thought on my story if you have any. (Also sorry for my English if I make any mistakes which cause any misunderstandings, it is not my native language.)
I am a 30 year old man who is happily married for 1.5 years. (At least I thought so) I am an engineer and also my wife is an engineer (She is 26), woking in the same company together with me, in a different department.
We were born and raised in a country outside Europe (I do not want to go into too much personal details.) but we moved into a Europe country approx. 2-3 months after our marriage.
I met her at my previous company(in my home country) and really liked her at the first sight. After a few months of working together, we expressed our feelings to each other and started dating. Everything was going really good. We were together at work, and we were going out at least 3 days a week, we were even going to gym together. Then her brother had to leave the country for work, and she felt very upset because her nephew and niece had to leave too, and they mean worlds to her. After that new events, we decided to move together with them to Europe (Because I did not want to see her sad like this) and found jobs for both of us. It was a huge step up for all of us in terms of purchasing power and life standards. We decided to marry before we start our new life in our new country and it was a little bit of a fast decision, after 3 years of dating, we just got married and moved to Europe.
For the first year, it was full of struggle. We had to find a new house, new car, adopt the new lifestyle etc... We built our new life in slightly more than a year here, bought a new beautiful house, a beautiful car, we painted the walls of the house together, built all the household goods together, it was like facing all the difficulties together, and in love.
After all this struggle, we calmed down a bit, and started enjoying our new life. We were travelling and seeing new places together, buying most of the things we wanted for our life. It was like a dream to me. Until December 2022.
I like buying gifts for her, especially the things she needs. I always surprised her with gifts like this. On 20th December, she suddenly came to me and told me that she wants to buy me a gift, but she cannot do it because we are always together. I proposed to her to buy it online, but she told me that she wants to see what she buys. I felt something was off, but I said OK. She took a shower, made her makeup (She was a bit more enthusiastic about her makeup and clotes, I thought it was related to the surprise.), while having a chat with me. She kissed me, said goodbye and left the house. I was totally unaware what her real intention was. Then she started texting me, that she is at the store, buying stuff, things like that. Then suddenly she said she wants to buy me something special but she cannot find it. And I said she was the greatest gift to me, none of these matters to me, and I said her to come home. She said things like 'Why are you acting like this' and I was feeling something was strange, but I just said I was just curious about her and about the gifts. She said she will pay for the last stuff and will send me a message. (Stores are like 15 mins drive from our house, and we have only one car which she took.) Then I started waiting, but got no response back from her. I tried calling 4-5 times, and texted her like 5-10 messages, no response for 2.5 hrs. I started to feel like something bad happened to her and almost decided to call her brother for some help, and suddenly she texted me that she is OK, and she will be at home in 10 mins. I waited like 25 mins and she eventually arrived. I was furious with her and did not know what to do, I asked her what happened and where she was, and she said she needed some time alone, and wanted to see if I would be concerned. I felt furious with her and left the house. After a few minutes, I decided to go back and talk about what happened, and suddenly she was in the shower, and the bathroom door was locked. (She never locks the door when having a shower.) That day the weather was rainy, and I checked her jacket, it was fully dry.
In the next few days, she was really into me. She was always strongly willing to have intercourse, she was caring a lot about me, and trying to help me with everything, way more than she ever was. It felt a bit strange to me and made me start thinking about that day and about what happened.
Then we started talking about that day, she was really unconsistent about her stories. The first thing she says was conflicting with what she says the last. First she said she just sat on a bench next to the river and thought about our relationship, I said her jacket was dry. Then she turned into something like she went to play some games in an Arcade center. (She loves playing games by the way.) Then she said she had a coffee, went to a jewelery store, but whatever story she tells, something was not adding up all the time, and whenever I find irregularities, she changed the story a little bit. It took us almost 10 days like this, back and forth.
Then she got sick (like flu/covid thing) and I took care of her. She was sleeping in our bed to have some rest and I was watching TV downstairs, suddenly I noticed she forgot her tablet right next to me. Then I remembered that I can see where she actually went on google maps history and if it is synched, phone data will be on the tablet as well. (Being an engineer sometimes helps I guess...) And when I checked it, I saw exactly all the places she went. She told me she parked in front of the train station, but it was somewhere around 300m away from the station. Why would she lie about somthing really unimportant like this? (To cover up something?) Then she went for shopping, after the sopping is over (In 1 hr, I think she rushed a bit), she wandered around in front of the car for 3-4 times (feels like she was thinking), then she went inside the house right next to the car. She stayed in that house for 2.5 hrs, exactly when she was not responding, then left and directly came to our house. I was really surprised, started shaking and feeling cold suddenly because of the shock. But I decided to keep this to myself at least until she feels fine.
After she got better, I asked her to go out for a dinner. She felt really happy and said yes. Then I parked the car exactly where she parked that day, and wandered around where she did (I acted like I was looking for the restaurant), to see her reaction. She acted like she was seeing that place for the first time in her life, but I can say that she was uncomfortable and wanted to leave as soon as possible. Then I started understanding what really happened.
We got back home and had a serious discussion the next morning, she was always trying to provide rational excuses, but she was unable to explain me why she lied about the parking spot. Then I asked her how she found the spot, and she said from google maps. I asked her to show me exactly how she did, and when she opened her maps app, the last thing searched was that home address. I asked her why she looked for 'a home address', she then admitted she met with one of her friends after some discussion. I asked who, she said a friend from work (It was a guy). I asked to meet him, she declined. I asked how she met her, she said one of our coworkers did meet them. I told her that I was going to ask our coworker about the details, then she confessed they met on a meeting app. (On tinder actually) Then I asked what they did, she said they drank a beer together at the bench and that was all, just a date, I said her jacket was dry. Then she said they drank it in the house. After some yelling and some more lies, she finally confessed that she cheated on me with that guy, on that day.
I am not sure If I should believe her, but she did not confess after the incident and I had to figure most of the things out myself by burning my brain for days. I learned about it on January 11th, (It happened on 20th of December) so she kept lying me over and over for more than 20 days. After the confession she begged me not the leave her and she told me she was in deep regret. She was too scared for me to leave her and thats why she lied and tried to hide it. (But she was not scared when actually doing it right?). She was crying all the time. Then I said I will leave her If she does not tell me the exact story with no lies at all, and she said she first needs to get together everything in her mind. She went upstairs, and wrote a letter to herself with all the details. Then started telling me the entire story. (Still not sure if its true.) Also she did not allow me to read the letter because she says it would make me 'Upset'.
She said she started feeling alone here (She does not have many friends like me, but she has her brother and his family!) and seeing me chatting and talking with my friends made her a bit jealous of me. Also whenever I meet with my friends, I always went there with my wife and invited my friends' wives so that they can meet and be friends as well. But it was not enough for her. She is a little bit distant from people at work (She is not so social) and eventually she started feeling alone, and she says, she started feeling 'undervalued' and getting less attention from me. We were always together but sometimes, she was playing games, I was watching videos etc. I am not sure why she felt in this way, but she says she installed the meeting app 5 days before the cheating day, then suddenly deleted it and regretted. The next day, we went to another country for christmas market together with some of our friends, it was really fun. She said she was so happy. But the next day, she felt bad again and installed the app again. She says her intention was to just have chat with strangers and get the bad feelings out of her mind. After meeting him, they continued chatting and flirting on whatsapp. He invited her in his house, she first declined. Then he invited for the second time on 19th of December, and she said yes. She says, she really went for buying some gifts for me on that day, and she hoped that would make her calm down and decide not to cheat, but she felt angry with her loneliness, the feeling of lack of attention from me, the rain, angry with the paper shopping bags in her hand being torn apart because of the rain, and angry with me because I asked her to come back home while she was struggling with all these. She says, she felt I did not trust her and thats why I asked her to come back home. Those motivated her to do it together with all her bad feelings, she decided to take off our wedding ring, left it in the car, and went inside the house... (Well, I guess I would be right not to trust her. But I felt something was off and just wanted to see her. Other than that day, I always completely trusted her. One day before the cheating happened, I took her phone to check the time and she rushed at my hands and picked up her phone. I was not expecting that to happen, but did not think it so deeply, because I trusted her. This might be my trigger to ask her to come back on that day, because it made me suspicious.)
We were having some sexual issues recently, before the incident happened. Whenever I want to have intercourse, she says it will hurt and she was stopping me. It was a psychological thing and she was actually enjoying when we do it, but we were doing it like once a week recently because of her fear of pain. (In the first days of our marriage, we were doing it almost everyday.) Also whenever she says it will hurt and she says she does not want it, it really kills all my motivation for it as well. She sometimes says she does not want, and after an hour she says she wants it, and I face some erection issues because she did not want at first which makes me do not want it too. Also when we can actually do it and she wants it, we do it in really longer periods like 45 mins, sometimes more than an hour because I cannot physically reach climax with intercourse, and I really enjoy giving her pleasure. (I can reach climax with different ways, but unfortunately not with s*x.) Because of those longer periods and her enjoying a lot, I was pretty sure she was sexually happy. But because of erection issues I face when she does not want and suddenly want it, and being unable to ejaculate through s*x, she said she started thinking that I no longer find her attractive and I do not love her like I did before. That made her feel undervalued. (I was never able to reach climax through s*x in my entire life. Not sure why, but I can masturb*te fine.)
The first days after the incident, (Then I did not know what actually happened, but feeling something off happened.), we were doing it like our old days. She was not afraid at all and asking for it everyday, and I did not have any issues at all when she wants it too.
She told me the actual story afterwards. (Not sure if it is true) They had a chat like 2 hrs in his house, he had some meal and my wife drank a beer, then they started kissing after that 2 hrs. He made the first move and she did not stop him. After that, he carried her to his bed, took off her clothes, and his own clothes too, then they started doing it (she says he was wearing protection and they had to use some lubricants because she was too dry), and she suddenly felt so bad and pushed him around 10 seconds after the intercourse started. She says then she texted me that she is OK, and rushed back to our house. So as she says, they did not 'finish' and she stopped him immediately after 10 seconds, she says maybe even less.
I am not sure what to think and what to believe. It has been 2 months now until I discovered what actually happened. I really love her, but I cannot believe how she acted like everything is OK before cheating on me while flirting with him, how she prepared herself for him in front of the mirror while talking to me, how she left the house and kissed me before she leaves. I cannot believe how she planned something like this behind me and how she told me all those lies. If she would have told me about her issues in the beginning, I would have done anything in my power to help her and help us. It makes me think we have a big, serious communication issue. I am totally lost now and dont know what to do.
I got an appointment from an individiual counsellor for tomorrow, this will be my first time in my life. We also started going to a marriage counsellor as well but whenever I talk about my feelings and how I feel bad about what happened, the counsellor always keeps saying it is in the past and we cannot change it. I also know we cannot change it genius, but I cant stop thinking about it and feeling sorry about it.
Also our marriage consellor had a private session with my wife and suggested her to have some individual counselling as well because she had too much trauma in her past. (Like her father cheating on her mom, being mean to my wife when she was a kid, beating her up etc.) But I am almost the opposite of her father, never hurt her, not even a single hair on her head, never looked for other women, I was completely loyal to her and our love and always kept my distance from other women. It feels really bad for us to be in this position and I deeply feel it is all unfair. So she also arranged an individual counsellor as well after that suggestion.
I was really happy with what I had, and now I feel I lost it all. I feel like the innocence is gone, there is a huge hole in the center of my heart and not sure how to proceed with it. I no longer trust her with anything. I do not want to make any bad decisions and want to do what is best for me, but not sure which option is the right one to go with.
Now whenever we talk about this, she says she is so sorry for what happened, and she is so sorry that she made me feel this way. She says all her motivations for cheating were unimportant when compared to what happened and what we lost, and she tells me she would kill herself instead of cheating on me again. (After the day I discovered it, she really tried to end her life with some pills, I had to make her throw up and called ambulance, luckily I made her throw up and thats why nothing bad happened...) She says she did it all because she was really angry and wanted to not think about bad things for a few hours. She says she had learned a big lesson, that I mean a lot to her and she never wants to hurt me anymore. So she keeps promising me she would do anything for our relationship to survive, but I cannot trust her after all those lies and after all that happened. She promises she would never lie again, she would always share what she feels, what she actually thinks, honestly and she has been doing it successfully for the last two months. I am totally unsure about what to do with my life now. I am desparately feeling OK and bad like a rollercoaster for the last 2 months Cannot stop thinking about it... Also she said they never contacted after that day, and I really see her working hard to get things better. She has hope, she says she believes in our love that can heal us and she is ready to do whatever I ask her to do, but I no longer want to believe in anything or anyone anymore.
Thank you very much for listening to my story, all who kept their patience and read through all this long post Not sure how to do it but anyone feels like it can reply or send me a message about this. You are more than welcome!
[This message edited by TheDesperateSilence at 9:58 PM, Saturday, March 11th]