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Just Found Out :
Everythıng just changed in a day

Topic is Sleeping.

 TheDesperateSilence (original poster new member #83034) posted at 9:33 PM on Saturday, March 11th, 2023

Hello dear valuable members of this beautiful forum,

To begin with, I am truly sorry that I had to find this forum but I am glad I did.

I have been reading this forum and trying to comfort myself by looking into stories of everyone to learn lessons from experience of others. Thank you very much for creating such a great community and family.

Like many others here, I also faced infidelity for the last couple of months and I am not sure what to do. After some reading sessions here, I decided to share my story here as well. Even sharing here might make me feel better but I also highly appreciate all your suggestions and thought on my story if you have any. (Also sorry for my English if I make any mistakes which cause any misunderstandings, it is not my native language.)

I am a 30 year old man who is happily married for 1.5 years. (At least I thought so) I am an engineer and also my wife is an engineer (She is 26), woking in the same company together with me, in a different department.

We were born and raised in a country outside Europe (I do not want to go into too much personal details.) but we moved into a Europe country approx. 2-3 months after our marriage.

I met her at my previous company(in my home country) and really liked her at the first sight. After a few months of working together, we expressed our feelings to each other and started dating. Everything was going really good. We were together at work, and we were going out at least 3 days a week, we were even going to gym together. Then her brother had to leave the country for work, and she felt very upset because her nephew and niece had to leave too, and they mean worlds to her. After that new events, we decided to move together with them to Europe (Because I did not want to see her sad like this) and found jobs for both of us. It was a huge step up for all of us in terms of purchasing power and life standards. We decided to marry before we start our new life in our new country and it was a little bit of a fast decision, after 3 years of dating, we just got married and moved to Europe.

For the first year, it was full of struggle. We had to find a new house, new car, adopt the new lifestyle etc... We built our new life in slightly more than a year here, bought a new beautiful house, a beautiful car, we painted the walls of the house together, built all the household goods together, it was like facing all the difficulties together, and in love.

After all this struggle, we calmed down a bit, and started enjoying our new life. We were travelling and seeing new places together, buying most of the things we wanted for our life. It was like a dream to me. Until December 2022.

I like buying gifts for her, especially the things she needs. I always surprised her with gifts like this. On 20th December, she suddenly came to me and told me that she wants to buy me a gift, but she cannot do it because we are always together. I proposed to her to buy it online, but she told me that she wants to see what she buys. I felt something was off, but I said OK. She took a shower, made her makeup (She was a bit more enthusiastic about her makeup and clotes, I thought it was related to the surprise.), while having a chat with me. She kissed me, said goodbye and left the house. I was totally unaware what her real intention was. Then she started texting me, that she is at the store, buying stuff, things like that. Then suddenly she said she wants to buy me something special but she cannot find it. And I said she was the greatest gift to me, none of these matters to me, and I said her to come home. She said things like 'Why are you acting like this' and I was feeling something was strange, but I just said I was just curious about her and about the gifts. She said she will pay for the last stuff and will send me a message. (Stores are like 15 mins drive from our house, and we have only one car which she took.) Then I started waiting, but got no response back from her. I tried calling 4-5 times, and texted her like 5-10 messages, no response for 2.5 hrs. I started to feel like something bad happened to her and almost decided to call her brother for some help, and suddenly she texted me that she is OK, and she will be at home in 10 mins. I waited like 25 mins and she eventually arrived. I was furious with her and did not know what to do, I asked her what happened and where she was, and she said she needed some time alone, and wanted to see if I would be concerned. I felt furious with her and left the house. After a few minutes, I decided to go back and talk about what happened, and suddenly she was in the shower, and the bathroom door was locked. (She never locks the door when having a shower.) That day the weather was rainy, and I checked her jacket, it was fully dry.

In the next few days, she was really into me. She was always strongly willing to have intercourse, she was caring a lot about me, and trying to help me with everything, way more than she ever was. It felt a bit strange to me and made me start thinking about that day and about what happened.

Then we started talking about that day, she was really unconsistent about her stories. The first thing she says was conflicting with what she says the last. First she said she just sat on a bench next to the river and thought about our relationship, I said her jacket was dry. Then she turned into something like she went to play some games in an Arcade center. (She loves playing games by the way.) Then she said she had a coffee, went to a jewelery store, but whatever story she tells, something was not adding up all the time, and whenever I find irregularities, she changed the story a little bit. It took us almost 10 days like this, back and forth.

Then she got sick (like flu/covid thing) and I took care of her. She was sleeping in our bed to have some rest and I was watching TV downstairs, suddenly I noticed she forgot her tablet right next to me. Then I remembered that I can see where she actually went on google maps history and if it is synched, phone data will be on the tablet as well. (Being an engineer sometimes helps I guess...) And when I checked it, I saw exactly all the places she went. She told me she parked in front of the train station, but it was somewhere around 300m away from the station. Why would she lie about somthing really unimportant like this? (To cover up something?) Then she went for shopping, after the sopping is over (In 1 hr, I think she rushed a bit), she wandered around in front of the car for 3-4 times (feels like she was thinking), then she went inside the house right next to the car. She stayed in that house for 2.5 hrs, exactly when she was not responding, then left and directly came to our house. I was really surprised, started shaking and feeling cold suddenly because of the shock. But I decided to keep this to myself at least until she feels fine.

After she got better, I asked her to go out for a dinner. She felt really happy and said yes. Then I parked the car exactly where she parked that day, and wandered around where she did (I acted like I was looking for the restaurant), to see her reaction. She acted like she was seeing that place for the first time in her life, but I can say that she was uncomfortable and wanted to leave as soon as possible. Then I started understanding what really happened.

We got back home and had a serious discussion the next morning, she was always trying to provide rational excuses, but she was unable to explain me why she lied about the parking spot. Then I asked her how she found the spot, and she said from google maps. I asked her to show me exactly how she did, and when she opened her maps app, the last thing searched was that home address. I asked her why she looked for 'a home address', she then admitted she met with one of her friends after some discussion. I asked who, she said a friend from work (It was a guy). I asked to meet him, she declined. I asked how she met her, she said one of our coworkers did meet them. I told her that I was going to ask our coworker about the details, then she confessed they met on a meeting app. (On tinder actually) Then I asked what they did, she said they drank a beer together at the bench and that was all, just a date, I said her jacket was dry. Then she said they drank it in the house. After some yelling and some more lies, she finally confessed that she cheated on me with that guy, on that day.

I am not sure If I should believe her, but she did not confess after the incident and I had to figure most of the things out myself by burning my brain for days. I learned about it on January 11th, (It happened on 20th of December) so she kept lying me over and over for more than 20 days. After the confession she begged me not the leave her and she told me she was in deep regret. She was too scared for me to leave her and thats why she lied and tried to hide it. (But she was not scared when actually doing it right?). She was crying all the time. Then I said I will leave her If she does not tell me the exact story with no lies at all, and she said she first needs to get together everything in her mind. She went upstairs, and wrote a letter to herself with all the details. Then started telling me the entire story. (Still not sure if its true.) Also she did not allow me to read the letter because she says it would make me 'Upset'.

She said she started feeling alone here (She does not have many friends like me, but she has her brother and his family!) and seeing me chatting and talking with my friends made her a bit jealous of me. Also whenever I meet with my friends, I always went there with my wife and invited my friends' wives so that they can meet and be friends as well. But it was not enough for her. She is a little bit distant from people at work (She is not so social) and eventually she started feeling alone, and she says, she started feeling 'undervalued' and getting less attention from me. We were always together but sometimes, she was playing games, I was watching videos etc. I am not sure why she felt in this way, but she says she installed the meeting app 5 days before the cheating day, then suddenly deleted it and regretted. The next day, we went to another country for christmas market together with some of our friends, it was really fun. She said she was so happy. But the next day, she felt bad again and installed the app again. She says her intention was to just have chat with strangers and get the bad feelings out of her mind. After meeting him, they continued chatting and flirting on whatsapp. He invited her in his house, she first declined. Then he invited for the second time on 19th of December, and she said yes. She says, she really went for buying some gifts for me on that day, and she hoped that would make her calm down and decide not to cheat, but she felt angry with her loneliness, the feeling of lack of attention from me, the rain, angry with the paper shopping bags in her hand being torn apart because of the rain, and angry with me because I asked her to come back home while she was struggling with all these. She says, she felt I did not trust her and thats why I asked her to come back home. Those motivated her to do it together with all her bad feelings, she decided to take off our wedding ring, left it in the car, and went inside the house... (Well, I guess I would be right not to trust her. But I felt something was off and just wanted to see her. Other than that day, I always completely trusted her. One day before the cheating happened, I took her phone to check the time and she rushed at my hands and picked up her phone. I was not expecting that to happen, but did not think it so deeply, because I trusted her. This might be my trigger to ask her to come back on that day, because it made me suspicious.)

We were having some sexual issues recently, before the incident happened. Whenever I want to have intercourse, she says it will hurt and she was stopping me. It was a psychological thing and she was actually enjoying when we do it, but we were doing it like once a week recently because of her fear of pain. (In the first days of our marriage, we were doing it almost everyday.) Also whenever she says it will hurt and she says she does not want it, it really kills all my motivation for it as well. She sometimes says she does not want, and after an hour she says she wants it, and I face some erection issues because she did not want at first which makes me do not want it too. Also when we can actually do it and she wants it, we do it in really longer periods like 45 mins, sometimes more than an hour because I cannot physically reach climax with intercourse, and I really enjoy giving her pleasure. (I can reach climax with different ways, but unfortunately not with s*x.) Because of those longer periods and her enjoying a lot, I was pretty sure she was sexually happy. But because of erection issues I face when she does not want and suddenly want it, and being unable to ejaculate through s*x, she said she started thinking that I no longer find her attractive and I do not love her like I did before. That made her feel undervalued. (I was never able to reach climax through s*x in my entire life. Not sure why, but I can masturb*te fine.)

The first days after the incident, (Then I did not know what actually happened, but feeling something off happened.), we were doing it like our old days. She was not afraid at all and asking for it everyday, and I did not have any issues at all when she wants it too.

She told me the actual story afterwards. (Not sure if it is true) They had a chat like 2 hrs in his house, he had some meal and my wife drank a beer, then they started kissing after that 2 hrs. He made the first move and she did not stop him. After that, he carried her to his bed, took off her clothes, and his own clothes too, then they started doing it (she says he was wearing protection and they had to use some lubricants because she was too dry), and she suddenly felt so bad and pushed him around 10 seconds after the intercourse started. She says then she texted me that she is OK, and rushed back to our house. So as she says, they did not 'finish' and she stopped him immediately after 10 seconds, she says maybe even less.

I am not sure what to think and what to believe. It has been 2 months now until I discovered what actually happened. I really love her, but I cannot believe how she acted like everything is OK before cheating on me while flirting with him, how she prepared herself for him in front of the mirror while talking to me, how she left the house and kissed me before she leaves. I cannot believe how she planned something like this behind me and how she told me all those lies. If she would have told me about her issues in the beginning, I would have done anything in my power to help her and help us. It makes me think we have a big, serious communication issue. I am totally lost now and dont know what to do.

I got an appointment from an individiual counsellor for tomorrow, this will be my first time in my life. We also started going to a marriage counsellor as well but whenever I talk about my feelings and how I feel bad about what happened, the counsellor always keeps saying it is in the past and we cannot change it. I also know we cannot change it genius, but I cant stop thinking about it and feeling sorry about it.

Also our marriage consellor had a private session with my wife and suggested her to have some individual counselling as well because she had too much trauma in her past. (Like her father cheating on her mom, being mean to my wife when she was a kid, beating her up etc.) But I am almost the opposite of her father, never hurt her, not even a single hair on her head, never looked for other women, I was completely loyal to her and our love and always kept my distance from other women. It feels really bad for us to be in this position and I deeply feel it is all unfair. So she also arranged an individual counsellor as well after that suggestion.

I was really happy with what I had, and now I feel I lost it all. I feel like the innocence is gone, there is a huge hole in the center of my heart and not sure how to proceed with it. I no longer trust her with anything. I do not want to make any bad decisions and want to do what is best for me, but not sure which option is the right one to go with.

Now whenever we talk about this, she says she is so sorry for what happened, and she is so sorry that she made me feel this way. She says all her motivations for cheating were unimportant when compared to what happened and what we lost, and she tells me she would kill herself instead of cheating on me again. (After the day I discovered it, she really tried to end her life with some pills, I had to make her throw up and called ambulance, luckily I made her throw up and thats why nothing bad happened...) She says she did it all because she was really angry and wanted to not think about bad things for a few hours. She says she had learned a big lesson, that I mean a lot to her and she never wants to hurt me anymore. So she keeps promising me she would do anything for our relationship to survive, but I cannot trust her after all those lies and after all that happened. She promises she would never lie again, she would always share what she feels, what she actually thinks, honestly and she has been doing it successfully for the last two months. I am totally unsure about what to do with my life now. I am desparately feeling OK and bad like a rollercoaster for the last 2 months sad Cannot stop thinking about it... Also she said they never contacted after that day, and I really see her working hard to get things better. She has hope, she says she believes in our love that can heal us and she is ready to do whatever I ask her to do, but I no longer want to believe in anything or anyone anymore.

Thank you very much for listening to my story, all who kept their patience and read through all this long post smile Not sure how to do it but anyone feels like it can reply or send me a message about this. You are more than welcome!

[This message edited by TheDesperateSilence at 9:58 PM, Saturday, March 11th]

posts: 11   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Netherlands
id 8781755

Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 10:20 PM on Saturday, March 11th, 2023

Hello TheDesperateSilence, I’m sorry you had to find this, but glad that you did. Here you will find a lot of caring people full of knowledge and wisdom. They say - take what you need, leave the rest. Seasoned vets will be coming along shortly to help you navigate this. She needs to come clean with all the details of her affair, demand no contact, she needs to hand over all devices and give you passwords for all. Get tested for STD’s - she says they used protection but you need to do this anyway. You said you’re in IC that’s good - I would ditch the MC for now. You’ve already found that not to be helpful. Stick with IC - and she does the same. Really important that you take care of yourself - eat, hydrate, exercise, get some fresh air. If she’s truly remorseful and wants to reconcile - look thru the book recommendations and get her started on reading it. My H and I both read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From your Affair by Linda MacDonald. And we are now reading Infidelity: The Best Worst Thing That Could Happen to Your Marriage. Only you know your spouse - was this a one time thing? Also - I would be worried about her safety - she met a strange man at HIS HOUSE! This was so dangerous !!! You also said she had a suicide attempt -I’m sure that’s being addressed in her IC. I sincerely hope you find a path to healing and reconciliation - if that’s what you both desire. I know it’s a long and hard road - we’ve had bumps along the way - my H had his 4 month EA/PA in 2012, and messed up recently (Dec 2022)by engaging in flirty texts with a woman who was supposed to be a family friend. We got right back into IC right away. Bottom line - no matter what your wife tells you - YOU did not cause her to cheat. If she was unhappy, there are many ways to address this and it’s NOT cheating!! Good luck to you. I wish you the best.

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 193   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8781757

 TheDesperateSilence (original poster new member #83034) posted at 12:16 AM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Thank you very much for all your kind words and best wishes Blackbird25! I will take a look at those books and we already arranged the STD test. You have very valid points and we already discussed about those after reading your post. Sometimes she makes me feel she is very determined to save this relationship but I always keep getting back to that dark day. I guess it will take much more time to get over it and make a decision for me. But anyways, thank you!

posts: 11   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Netherlands
id 8781764

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:39 AM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

I’m very sorry you’re hear. You first snd foremost need the complete truth, snd I can 99 percent guarantee that you don’t have it. I can’t begin to tell you how many times a WW claims she and her AP started having sex, felt guilty, and 10 seconds later stopped and left. 99 percent of the time it’s lies snd minimization. I simply don’t buy it.

As I said, you need the truth. Set up a polygraph immediately. You may get a parking lot confession even prior to the poly itself.

posts: 785   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8781766

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 1:04 AM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. I'm sure that you've heard about the pinned posts at the top of the forum and about the Healing Library. There's some really good information there.

Good thing you're getting checked for STDs.

Have you asked for a written timeline? Why was she on a meet up all in the first place? I'm wondering if there's more that she hasn't told you. Unfortunately, cheaters lie, and lie some more.

Be kind to yourself during this time. Be sure to eat, even if it's a little bit at a time, sleep and stay hydrated.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8781770

 TheDesperateSilence (original poster new member #83034) posted at 1:32 AM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Thank you very much for your caring and helpful suggestions.

I asked about the polygraph and her first reaction was to agree. Then I kept talking about it and she started to get mad. We had a little argument and she still agrees to take it.

I did not get a written timeline but she explained it all to me with a long speech with all the details. There are also some whatsapp messages about it as well in between us, whenever I felt to ask about something, i asked on whatsapp and she replied with the motto of 'no lies'. Most of the information I got from her is spread in 2 months like small talks and whatsapp messages. I burned my head again for a few hours to get all these info together and seems like they all add up this time. I am not sure if I can ever know the 100% truth, it seems impossible to me to be honest, maybe because of my mental state now. Thats also why, no matter polygraph she takes, i feel like i can never trust her again. As far as I know, she met the guy on Tinder on the day she installed it for the second time, carried the conversation to whatsapp on the 2nd day, and suddenly decided to turn it into something physical on the 4th day (and did some sexting on the night), and did it on the 5th day. Thats what i know so far.

[This message edited by TheDesperateSilence at 1:32 AM, Sunday, March 12th]

posts: 11   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Netherlands
id 8781773

Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 4:24 AM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023


I too recommend that you get tested for STD's.

I too believe your WW is not telling you the full truth.

I don't believe that your WW went through all that trouble just to have sex with him for ten seconds.

I'm so sorry that you are here.

One day at a time.

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5516   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8781781

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:44 AM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Intimate betrayal is a form of trauma. This is trauma that she caused. An affair isn't a mistake. It's a series of conscious decisions to betray.

Why was she on tinder in the first place? She's been in a relationship with you for 3 years, then M for 1.5. There's no reason she should be on meet up apps.

For me, it helped to have a written timeline because I could say, but this is what you said before. Which is true? If the version is verbal, then the WS will say that isn't what they said.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8781798

VezfromTaz ( member #80815) posted at 9:28 AM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

I dont come on SI much so dont read all the other stories by comparison, but she sounds like a manipulative liar who has employed just about every trick in the book to feign responsibility whilst really making it a "you" problem. The worst of this is the suicide attempt.

Aside from the behaviour around cheating, there are other issues here like not having meaningful relationships with other people, and expecting you to cater to all her emotional needs. That's great in the honeymoon stage of romance, but what about years down the track when you have kids and she cant be number one anymore. She needs a lot of help, CBT or something, and in the meantime work with your counsellor on boundaries and what is acceptable to you in a relationship. Maybe check out some stuff on co-dependency.

I've exited a more than two decade relationship and missed multiple red flags, and it is easier to get out now than after you've had kids together, and are middle aged (but nevertheless do-able).

Good luck on your journey.

posts: 136   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8781805

bob7777 ( member #79867) posted at 7:37 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Hi, so sorry to find you here.
Best thing you can do right now is to detach yourself from her. Don't believe her.

She told me the actual story afterwards. (Not sure if it is true) They had a chat like 2 hrs in his house, he had some meal and my wife drank a beer, then they started kissing after that 2 hrs. He made the first move and she did not stop him. After that, he carried her to his bed, took off her clothes, and his own clothes too, then they started doing it (she says he was wearing protection and they had to use some lubricants because she was too dry), and she suddenly felt so bad and pushed him around 10 seconds after the intercourse started. She says then she texted me that she is OK, and rushed back to our house. So as she says, they did not 'finish' and she stopped him immediately after 10 seconds, she says maybe even less.

Its another lie, she went there with the intent on cheating on you, she's downplaying because she is in survival and self-preservation mode and because you don't have any other information. A cheater with the intent on stepping outside the marriage wouldn't meet their AP to talk for 2 hrs then rush out after a few moments and nothing "serious" happened. She's downplaying it because she assumes that it would endanger her current goals if you knew that she fucked that guy for 2.5 hrs, and she did.
Don't do the pick me dance. She cheated on you willingly, she planned it ahead and you know it. There's nothing worth saving.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2022
id 8781846

GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 8:00 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Tell her to message her lover and say, "We need to do it again. I need more than 10 seconds of sex this time."

Tell her it's a dealbreaker if she doesn't do it.

You'll be on your way to the real truth at that time be it through him or her confessing.

posts: 2855   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8781852

 TheDesperateSilence (original poster new member #83034) posted at 8:01 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Thank you very much for all your messages.

I guess I was pretty naive. Today I found out that she searched APs name on her phone on 10th of December which is completely conflicting with the story I had. Because she told me they met on 15th.

Then I pushed her to tell me the exact truth. Here is the new story: (Probably another lie.)

They met around 7-8th December, started talking on whatsapp on 10th, (Lots of sexting as well, photos etc included.) then they met personally on 18th. She told me that she will meet her friends on that day, and sent me a picture with them (To convince me i guess). Right after the picture, she left her friends and went to meet him in person. They had a beer and had a chat together in a pub. Then she came back home. After that, on 20th, she went his house, (the day of buying presents to me.) And they did an hour of foreplay, with no sex. Then she left because of the time. (because i was at home waiting.)

Then she got sick, and I was taking care of her. She was really acting that she truly loves me whenever i make her a soup, or bring medicine, show my compassion. And on 24th, we had to go to work and she called in sick. She was not feeling well, but i had to go. Then she called him and he picked her up. They went to his place together and they truly had sex, she was sick!!!. Even with the flu, caughing and everything, she still had energy for it. She still says the guy had some pre ejaculation issues, his p* was small etc. But i am not believing any single word that she says, not anymore. Then he brought her back to our home, and she kissed me with that mouth after i come back from work.

Until 11th of January(the day i found out), they only had small chats and she says she was not even responding most of the times. Then one day (around 5-6th January I guess), she changed her profile picture to our photo together, from hers alone. The he asked who I was, the guy on the picture, and she said i was her cousin... After a little bit of research, he found out that she might be married. Then the affair was over on his side because she said she was married and does not want to see him anymore on 11th. (what she says at least.)

Even writing all these makes me sick and I truly hate her. Every singe word coming out of her mouth is a lie. She still says she loves me and does not want to lose me. But she should have thinked about this when she was doing all that right?

I really thank you for all your comments, which made me to dig a bit more to find some more dirt... I was going to be the fool of the century if I did not ask you guys. I am feeling extremely down and all I want is to go away from all these. But not sure how. I cannot believe I loved such a person, filled with all lies and dishonesty... I hate myself for being so naive and being able to even trust someone like this.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Netherlands
id 8781854

Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 8:27 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Honestly you have only been married a year and a half.

Your 30.

They way she cheated going online to tinder and setting up complicated plans to deceive you.

So much lying. Still probably lying.

You’ll never know the full truth.

You’ll never trust her again and you still have a long life to live.

Seek legal advice immediately.

You need to separate from her as soon as possible.

If you want to try and save the marriage you still need to separate from her and seek legal advice.

She would need to do all the fighting for this marriage.

You would need to keep her on lockdown forever and that just not a good way to live.

In order to save the marriage she has to willingly put herself in lockdown. For the rest of her life to a certain extent.

1.5 years, no kids. Best to call this one quits. You can’t get any deeper with her. You can’t tie your life to her any further.

I’m so sorry. She is a fool. Take care of yourself.

posts: 169   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8781859

LostOpportunities20 ( member #74401) posted at 10:35 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

I agree with Confused - no children, not too much time invested in the marriage.

She manipulated you intimately to begin with, and now she has cheated. Don't buy the "jealous that you have friends to talk to" line. As you have noted, she has close family and is not isolated.

This is still supposed to be the honeymoon phase and she is already straying.

This is who she is.

I know this hurts, but my recommendation is to get legal advice on how to cut this off ASAP before you get hooked in deeper.

You are young. You are educated. You have a career. You will find much better.

BH (50s) WW (50s) EA 2008, EA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

Not sure what to call it, but I guess we're in R.

posts: 221   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
id 8781869

src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 11:38 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Way too many lies. She purposefully went looking for someone else to screw. You have been married only 1 1/2 years and have no children. You are only 30 years old. If you stay with her you will very likely regret it and pay dearly in the future. You can get out relatively clean now. That won't be the case as time passes. My strong advice is to run for the hills and not look back.

posts: 717   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8781876

FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 11:50 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Hi DS,

there is an old saying often repeated at SI: "Your wife has shown you who she really is - believe her."
Your wife has demonstrated that she is willing to cheat on you and lie to you.
This may not be the first time that she has cheated on you.

What steps will you take now to move out of infidelity?
We're here to support and encourage you,

posts: 131   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8781879

VezfromTaz ( member #80815) posted at 1:15 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

I am genuinely sorry for what you are going through. The chemicals swirling around in your brain right now as you try to put the pieces of the puzzle together are overwhelming.

Stress (she has betrayed me, she has lied) ~ cortisol

Believing none of it is true, this person loves you, has your back, it's all ok, nothing is wrong ~ oxytocin, dopamine and whatever other feel good chemicals that induces

Of course we want to believe the better version of something because unless we are dysfunctional it feels a lot better.

The problem is you get caught in a loop the longer you stay together ~ the trauma bond.

If someone's story doesnt make sense, it is because they are lying. Trying to squish someone's bs story into what could be plausible is an exercise in futility. Eventually you wont know if you are Arthur or Martha.

Your partner has come into your life to teach you a lesson about people, and what they are capable of. It is up to you what you do with it.

[This message edited by VezfromTaz at 1:17 AM, Monday, March 13th]

posts: 136   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8781889

LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 3:09 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023


It seems like from your post that the only person she was trying to get away from was you. I think to test a relationships value is to have some time away from one another. You're always in each others face it seems whether at work or at home and when shes out youre messaging and calling her continously throughout. She was blaming you for a reason. You were suffocating her with all your possesiveness and she was clearly looking for a way to escape. Unfortunately she found a little bit of freedom, a 2 hour window, and she decided to cheat. She clearly made a choice. She chose to download a meet up app and she felt the power of having the choice. she probably found a 'fuck' guy and because these are no string attached sexual relationaships or meet ups or wharever she thought she would never get caught. She has to lie just to get away from you to go shopping because you would prefer her doing online shopping. The only way you knew something was off is because she deviated from her usual routine. Shes like a little excited child who wanted to rebel against a controlling 'parent'. Thats how I interpreted your post. I apologise if that sounds harsh but by the looks of things she was desperately trying to escape the loneliness of this marriage. Yes no friends and no family around also added to that loneliness but I feel she wanted to get away from the marriage.

She is clearly a child. The fact that she can come to a different country and within 1 and half years of marriage have an affair with a total stranger from a meet up app is actually quite worrying. You're so early into your marriage and shes already cheated. She has risked yours and her sexual health by exposing herself to STDs. You have not even enjoyed a life time together yet and she has already look for a way to escape and have sex with a total stranger who could have even been a psychopath. She decided to cheat by blaming you. Whether you like it or not she was seeking a sexual encounter.

Im going to be honest with you and tell you that you will never be able to trust her again. It is not easy trying to survive infidelity. It is one of the hardest thing to go through in life. Its abit like death of a loved one. You will always have it at the back of your mind. I agree with the others and also say that she is clearly a liar and she probably is still lying. All cheaters lie. They desperately downplay everything and also try to make themselves seem like the innocent ones by making you feel sorry for them. You will never know the full truth of everything. Are you willing to accept that?

If you do decide to reconcile please be mindful of the manipulative games cheaters play. Dont be fooled by the crocodile tears and the continuous apologising of having sex with someone else. Do you think she really is sorry for having sex with someone else? She is definitely sorry for getting caught thats for sure.

Well done on using your gut instinct to check the tablet and connecting to her search history etc. Many of us on here wish we had trusted our instincts. A lot of us on here were blind sided by the A. We didnt have a clue it was happening till the obvious red flags or the owning up of the A or the behavioural change.

If my H had an A after 1.5 years of Marriage I would leave him. Weve been married for 13 years but known each other longer and I still cant get over his A. Yes I may have forgiven him but I will never forget. Truthfully I forgave him because it was hurting me by eating me up inside. It was changing me into a bitter person. I chose reconciliation for us because I believed we deserved a second chance after 10 years of a beautiful marriage. I could not fault our marriage as the both of us mainly had happy memories and moments.

You have to ask yourself if you can live with this for the rest of your life?

posts: 231   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8781899

 TheDesperateSilence (original poster new member #83034) posted at 3:35 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Thank you very much for all your valuable input. I am currently feeling very lonely and down. I only feel myself better whenever i read your messages. Thank you for all your support.

One thing that made me very sad, was the post of LIYA13. I was not calling or continuously messaging her at all. She was informing me by herself. She was informing me and sending me messages when she is out alone in the beginning of our relationship and did this throughout our entire relationship. It was not something I asked for, most probably a habit coming from one of her ex boyfriends. Whenever she was going out with her friends from work, she was forcing me to go out with them as well. I was telling her it was fine and i do not want to go, but she was still trying to convince me to go with her each and every time. It was the first time she asked to go out alone like this, and it was a deviation from 'her' behavior. I never forced her to inform me or send me a message but she was doing it by her choice. I never asked her to do so, she did it anyways. Her brother and his family lives here, 1 hour drive from our home. So she had all the opportunities she had and her family here. I am the one who is truly alone here with no family at all, but some distant friends. If she felt like she is controlled by a parent, this is not my fault because i never asked for it. I always trusted her and never asked for anything like this, i thought she liked sharing things with me, because that is what she said. If she felt like this, she could have easily came to me and expressed her feelings because i was always really understanding and constructive to her as best as I could.

Obviously, I cannot continue to love a woman or 'child' as you described, like this. I will look for ways to get over her. My IC told me to stay at least for 6 months and decide afterwards, because she wants me to decide without anger i guess. I hope my wife can also get over all this as well because i still love her.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Netherlands
id 8781900

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:59 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

I have myself 6 month increments, but don't feel like you have to wait 6 months. Do what is best for you.

Like many of us, you trusted your spouse to have your back. I thought my XWH had the same values I did, but he lied and intentionally did not let me see who he was.

Way back when eHarmony started, he signed up. You know why? To see if we'd be compatible. I said it wouldn't work if I didn't sign up, too. I should have left then. It would have hurt like hell, but would have saved me decades of grief.

Would you read your initial post, then the follow up where you found out more? But pretend it's a friend telling you this. What advice would you give?

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8781904
Topic is Sleeping.
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