Topic is Sleeping.
VezfromTaz ( member #80815) posted at 10:15 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023
Something interesting about Liya's post. Not saying Liya's post wasnt coming from a place of good intent, but you were accused of being controlling, which you say isnt true, and you then spent a paragraph denying it. You dont need to deny something that isnt true. You know who you are, how you've conducted yourself.
A manipulative person/partner will go on the offensive, point the finger at you and make you justify yourself, even if you've done nothing wrong. It is called DARVO.
anyway, you've got an IC to talk this stuff through
[This message edited by VezfromTaz at 10:20 AM, Monday, March 13th]
RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:05 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023
I’m not sure I agree with LIYA13’s assessment regarding your clingy nature causing or, motivating her, to some degree, to cheat. Perhaps I misunderstand?
It seems to me you became naturally extra vigilant after many red flags 🚩 and your gut instincts were raging.
It’s concerning that your WW downloaded a hook up app. That shows premeditation. It’s not like she went down some slippery slope of emotions and attraction. It’s not like a drunken one-night-stand. This wasn’t a mistake. She made many very conscious decisions to cheat and then followed through on them.
It would be interesting to find out how long ago she downloaded the app, how many people she was in communications with, and the depth and nature of these communications. She should be immediately handing over all her tech if she is requesting Reconciliation (R). Full and immediate transparency is universally expected in the wake of discovery and a request for R. Don’t give her the opportunity to erase evidence. Get all passwords and apps and gather as much information on the depth and breadth of her betrayal so that you can make the best possible informed decisions going forward.
You two should still be in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. Cheating this early in your marriage is not a good sign.
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:26 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023
So life was a bit challenging and cheating was the choice made. This early in a marriage 🚩🚩🚩
I think two people can overcome almost anything if both are 100% committed to doing the work and making changes. Unfortunately the search of the AP’s name is not a good sign for a chance to Reconcile or that the cheater will change.
What will happen 10 years from now and there is a sick child? Or child with a disability? Or parents start having health problems? Or you lose your job?
Will the choice be yo run out and cheat? It might if the underlying issues are not addressed.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 9:24 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023
I've been on these boards for over six years.
I've come to learn that many of us have different opinions on just about everything.
Sometimes some people say things that I find helpful. Sometimes other people say things that I dont find helpful.
I've come to learn to "take what I need and leave the rest".
Despite your pain, I hope you follow my lead.
One day at a time.
"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.
GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 9:31 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023
Liya - nice victim-blaming! Huzzah!
Notagain6526 ( new member #82911) posted at 9:51 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023
Someone posted earlier that you are only recently married with no children so this is your time to get out rather than regret much later in life.
I found out WH was having an affair days after we married. After alot of back and forth I decided to stay and R. Alot of work, alot of shame and alot of thinking I'd get over it but in truth I never really did. Fast forward 10 years - few babies later and I find out he's having multiple affairs. It never really stopped but my ability to look for it did because I was too busy building my home and being a mum.
I'm 39 now and I wish it was 10years ago and I could have left and started again - oh how easier that would be than having Brought beautiful.children into this life with an absolute hellish man as their dad.
It may feel so utterly helpless right now but it's heartbreak and you will get over it and love again - I wished someone had told me that again part of me getting back with WH was that I never thought I'd get over the feeling of heartbreak and I'd never love again. I would have and it would have been with someone who deserved me.
[This message edited by Notagain6526 at 9:53 PM, Monday, March 13th]
bob7777 ( member #79867) posted at 10:51 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023
She's just clinging to you and love bombing you because you are the "only" one who she really knows in this "foreign" country. Since the last guy "ended" their "affair" she has no immediate guy as a fall back.
TheDesperateSilence (original poster new member #83034) posted at 11:10 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023
Thank you very much for all your messages.
I want to give a small update on this, the third meet up did not happen on 24th of December. It was on 8th of January. (I made a mistake about the dates, I misunderstood her.) So she had almost like 19 days of flirting on the phone between the sex and foreplay(gift day), and we were like fighting and trying to solve the issue related to 20th of December, the gift day. (All the lies) She was sick at home, and she was begging me not to leave her whenever we argue during that period. We were also having sex like crazy. But still, she did have sex with him on 8th of January. I discovered where she went on the gift day from her tablet on 5th of January, but I waited for her to recover from sickness to say that. If I directly went to her, maybe she would not be with him on 8th of January. Because I took her to in front of the APs house on 9th and she ended the affair on 9th of January. She says she felt really scared that I figured everything out and did not want to lose me. When I ask her why she was not afraid when actually doing it, she says she thought I would never be able to figure it out, and she felt excited because she liked flirting with him and he made her feel highly valued. Also I was unable to ejaculate when having sex with her, she wanted to see if the problem is related to me or her. But I was taking care of her at home while she was sick and she was always expressing her grattitude towards me, sometimes even bursting into tears and saying she loves me. I cannot believe how someone can feel like this and do those things at the same time.
Today she will prepare me a letter with the full truth with a timeline, and I also have spoken to the AP to get some of the details if what she says was true. It seems like she is finally telling me the truth, but after all those lies, i am not sure if it still means something. The bad thing is, AP also did not know she was married and he was thinking that they were starting a relationship together. So she was acting like she was his girlfriend...
Whatever I faced in the last couple of months were really difficult for me. I am experiencing something like this for the first time in my life. Thank you very much for being here and helping everyone who faces issues like this. To be alone in these kind of situation might be devastating.
Yesterday, I also told her brother about the A. He was really mad at her at first, but then he calmed down and invited us for a dinner to talk about all this. I accepted but she refused. She says she is not ready to face her brother with this truth yet. So I did not push her for this and it is postponed.
Whenever I ask why she didnt tell me the truth on 11th of January, she says because of her fear of losing me. But this fear should have been triggered during the A, not afterwards. I told her like 10 times, If i would find any other lies, then I would leave her for good. So she should have told me the entire true story and the story she told turns out to be a lie again. I feel like it is time for me to keep my promise. My heart tells me to get away immediately because the longer I stay, the more my feelings towards her are taking control to affect my decision. I still love her and I mean it, but I am pretty sure I will go mad with excessive overthinking if I continue with someone I completely dont trust.
She also had an IC meeting today and she told me that she wants to get rid of all her bad personality traits and her lying habit. She says she is ready to do anything in her power, and IC also has given her a hope. I want to believe something good can come out from this relationship eventually, but I do not want to take any risks anymore.
I will talk to my IC about my thoughts as well and will try to make the best decision as much as I can in this period. I will also provide update here as well if something new comes up. Thank you very much everyone.
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:37 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023
Your wife is damaged. It sounds like she wants you to be her support while she runs around flirting and having sex with others. She has completely broken your marriage. And she does not appear to have any boundaries. She keeps making promises that she breaks.
Please take care of yourself. This kind of stress can cause actual damage to your body. You might need help from a dr for anxiety and sleeplessness. Both can harm you.
When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis
Tron ( member #50936) posted at 12:49 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
Life threw her a small curve and she cheated. This is a very short marriage, with no kids, and one where she cheats during the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship.
She flunked her tryout and there is no going back. She acknowledges that she is damaged. And now you cannot trust her. As life partners go, she has shown that she is a bad choice of partner.
Let her go. Get out now and divorce.
It will never be easier or cheaper.
ocdude ( new member #53335) posted at 1:16 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
Her actions has changed you. Continued suspicion ,jealousy, and lack of trust is the poison that kills slowly. It poisons the mind AND the body slowly until ones love for someone starts to fade. You are so early in your marriage and she has consciously done this to you. You have to decide if this is the way you want to live the rest of your life and with this relationship
LostOpportunities20 ( member #74401) posted at 3:25 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023
Many betrayed spouses reconcile. Someone will correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you'll find that typically it is because there is something deep/complicated that drives them towards R.
It is typically one or both of the following:
- Financial hurt from ending a LONG TERM marriage or other financial entanglements
You have neither of these issues.
Your W has shown you that you aren't that important to her. Whatever she says, she is willing to harm you.
She didn't think you would figure it out. That means she was intentionally taking away your agency to make decisions for yourself. She would have been playing around with another guy while you were devoting time and resources to the marriage.
Of course she is crying and telling you how much she "loves" you. She got caught and is scared of her world turning upside down.
The person you love does not exist. Your W is not who you thought she was.
Barring some other factor that I don't know about, you would be best served by getting out of this situation. And in her case, she has family, so she will not be abandoned and alone in a foreign land.
Prayer and thoughts for you, brother.
[This message edited by LostOpportunities20 at 3:25 AM, Tuesday, March 14th]
BH (50s) WW (50s) EA 2008, EA 2009
Confessed the first, I caught her the second.
Not sure what to call it, but I guess we're in R.
Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 1:07 PM on Saturday, April 8th, 2023
Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 3:06 PM on Saturday, April 8th, 2023
I'm going to chime in with the other posters who think you should walk away. She obviously does not have a burning desire for you. You are 1.5 years in, and this is where you two should be the most connected, building an emotional foundation strong enough to help you both through the challenges that comes with a long term relationship. You cannot do this with her, because she may not be capable of it. Yes, after years of IC and work, she may turn herself into a quality partner, just maybe, but are you willing to gamble?
You are young and have not yet hit the top of your game as a prospective partner. Look at this as a painful, yet very valuable learning experience. It will take some to for you to detach emotionally, and as you do, your thinking will evolve. I remember when this happened with me. My WW panicked as I detached and addressed it with her IC, who just told her that I was doing it as a survival strategy. She could not believe she was no longer the love of my life (married 27 years) even after she gave me th ILYBINILWY and "too little, too late" speeches. I laugh at her complete stupidity now, but then I could not comprehend the complete cognitive dissonance.
As you detach, you may begin to see your WW in a different light as well. Your "husband glasses" will come off and you will discover character and personality traits that you consciously or subconsciously overlook in your initial desire to be with her. Or maybe you saw them, but they were just quirky things she did and not dealbreakers.now, as you step back and look at the aggregate sum of who she is, these may paint a very different picture for you. That picture is the accurate one and it might be too pretty. It wasn't for me, as the real woman my WW revealed herself to be was someone I would never go on a second date with.
There are some books that get recommended often on this site and I've read many of them, often many times. If you can, read some of them. I would also recommend "Cheating in a Nutshell" as a counter tobthe others as it provides a counter point.
6 months is the time-frame often given to a BS to wait before doing anything. I'm on the fence with this recommendation, but in your case, I would just file right now, as there really isn't much hope of getting a star spangled awesome partner out of the one in front of you. I'm willing to bet, that this isn't her first rodeo either, in your or previous relationships. She may not have physically cheated, but she probably expressed attitudes or behaviors that were wayward in nature. There's an old saying in the army. You can't polish a turd. All you get is a shiny turd.
Good luck my fried. I'll keep an eye on your thread and hope for good things.
I'm an oulier in my positions.
Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.
TheDesperateSilence (original poster new member #83034) posted at 3:23 PM on Saturday, April 8th, 2023
I wanted to make a small update after some time.
We have been living in the same house because we just bought it a few months ago, this is the best way for financea now, but in different beds of course.
I made my decision about divorce clear to her for a few times, but she insists on denying and she seems determined to save this marriage no matter what happens. She has the same difficulty of accepting the truth now, as when I found out about the affair I guess.
I slowly started to cool down from the effects of the affair, i have been working out regularly and trying to eat well, IC is ongoing too but not very much helpful, maybe too early to assess the IC. I am now starting to understand the life still goes on, and it is what it is.
I will slowly start rebuilding my own life, one thing at a time. Looking for a new car now. I will also post for major updates as well. Thank you very much for all your kind wishes and support. My best wishes to all who experience similar things in their lives.
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:37 PM on Saturday, April 8th, 2023
The stresses of life brings out who we really are. At the beginning of a new relationship all of us present a false face by being polite, funny, appreciative etc but when real life takes over the masks slip. We then show our negative sides. If we are inherently kind people with strong moral boundaries we still try to do no harm. If we are your wife real life showed up and so did the real her.
I don’t think she loves you in an adult way. I do think the stress of a new life in a new country was probably very hard on her but that is when she should have told you her sorrows. Instead she went trawling the waters looking for a new fish. This is not a mature person. But she is very cognizant that a divorce will make living in that new country hard so she is hanging on to you. That is not fair to you.
When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis
longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 3:39 PM on Saturday, April 8th, 2023
Sounds like you are on the right track. As for you wife, she sounds like one of those people who have the inner need to self destruct. She really behaved diabolically to set up a guy who thought she was single, and let him think they were starting a relationship. This speaks of a very damaged personality. Her attempt at suicide before you found out is also telling. Do not let her suck you back in. You will set yourself up for more long term grief.
bob7777 ( member #79867) posted at 6:34 PM on Saturday, April 8th, 2023
but she insists on denying and she seems determined to save this marriage no matter what happens.
That's ironical, she was the one who planned and executed to destroy your marriage, don't ever forget it. It was no "oh I got so drunk at the club and blacked out...." moment. It was planned, mapped out, executed.
HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 6:49 PM on Saturday, April 8th, 2023
The person you love does not exist. Your W is not who you thought she was.
You are learning who you actually married now. Her actions weren’t out of character, her actions revealed her character. As Justsomeguy suggests, take off the "husband glasses" and really watch her.
she seems determined to save this marriage no matter what happens
It feels great to be valued, for sure, as she love bombs you. But the only vote that matters is yours. Recommend detaching from her as much as possible.
On your inability to climax during intercourse, that is a problem to be dealt with rather than lived with. You should see a primary care doc or urologist, who can then refer you to a sex therapist or counselor who specializes in such things. What you are dealing with is not that uncommon. Google on "delayed ejaculation". This would at least give you a chance to address it. Whether you stay with this wife or move on to another eventually, it would help them to understand your situation too.
DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver
Dennylast ( member #78522) posted at 12:23 AM on Sunday, April 9th, 2023
I’m not sure if my interpretation of your text is accurate or if my leanings toward R informs my opinions. So I see that you are heading toward D and are currently in the same house in different beds. Just a few clarifying questions.
Have you filed for divorce? If not why?
How are your day to day interactions?
Has she done anything beyond words to prove she is willing to do the work?
I agree with others that say due to the length of your marriage and lack of children, it is most likely best to D. However, if she were to prove that she could become a safe partner, it may be worth watching her for a few months to gage her level of remorse. Again, I admit to leaning toward R more than most but wanted to provide that advice for what it’s worth. Of course the answers to the above questions would be telling. Good luck to DS in whatever you decide to do.
Topic is Sleeping.