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Many people have said to me that 100% trust in another person is not good. I have seen that written on SI as well. I grieve the loss of trust in my spouse. Where i am at currently in regards to trust is that my goal is to trust 100% again. I am not sure i can get there, but it seems like a worthy goal.

My question for those that believe 100% trust is not healthy (or good) is the do you believe the same for love? That the only person you should love 100% is yourself. How does the inability / unhealthiness of trusting others impact your ability to give and receive love? This is both a philosophical question as well as an every day being in the world question.

I feel you Jason.

Cheating is ultimate betrayal.

Regaining that broken trust is hard.

Your post reminds of the song "Once bitten , twice shy" by Great White.

I always thought the "trusting someone 100% is unhealthy" stance to be a little odd. Obviously you shouldn't trust strangers or new acquaintances 100%, but a spouse/partner? Of course I should be able to trust them 100%! If there's not complete trust, what on earth is there to build off of?

What I do think is you shouldn't let your trust blind you to red flags, which can be hard when you trust someone with all of your heart. I believe striking that balance is healthy, but also difficult.

Where i am at currently in regards to trust is that my goal is to trust 100% again. I am not sure i can get there, but it seems like a worthy goal.

That seems like a very worthy goal to work toward! I have to say that I don't believe I will ever have the blind trust in my H again. When my GUT starts screaming at me again...like it did when he was having his A...I am going to explore ALL options. I would have bet my children's lives that he would never cheat on me. I didn't check on things involving infidelity when something was definitely OFF...because it couldn't possibly be THAT. I will NEVER do that again!!!

As for LOVE...I WANT to love with my whole heart. So I do! It opens me up for heartache again...but it is a risk I am willing to take. To Me...the benefits FAR outweigh the risks!!

Blind trust didn’t serve me or any betrayed person.

That’s why I don’t want to return to blind trust.

My rebuilt M is awesome.

I trust my wife enough to be open hearted and vulnerable. She trusts the grace I have offered enough to be open hearted and vulnerable.

But I trust ME a little more.

I know what the behavior looks like if my wife withdraws, or holds back. The signs I ignored before, because of blind trust, I don’t ignore anymore.

Situations, circumstances around us constantly change and those changes can —- in turn push us to change or our spouses to change.

I trust my wife 99 percent. I save that last one percent for me and peace of mind, a one percent of me that looks out for dramatic changes and my experience to know what unhealthy behavior looks like.

If you want or need 100 percent blind trust, more power to you — go get that or offer that.

I am happy and comfortable trusting a whole bunch, without turning a blind eye to things that I previously ignored.

Never trusted anyone 100% prior to being with WH. By that I don’t mean that I would go through my partner’s pockets or be suspicious of every step they took, I just didn’t have a stance of "he would never hurt me/cheat on me/gaslight me" etc as I did with my WH. I knew, based on the world around me growing up (and thanks to my parents’ participation, I had close to home examples) that 100% trust wouldn’t serve me well, there is fraud, there is financial infidelity, there is emotional infidelity and sexual infidelity. The only person you should trust 100% is yourself.

WH "won" me over bit by bit over years of earning trust. I can’t pinpoint a moment when it got to 100% blind trust. His financial commitments and decisions, his commitment to our kids and myself and a strong display of values did lead to me reaching blind trust levels.

When I started suspecting WH may be cheating I was gaslighting myself. Not only that, my own friends participated by telling me it is impossible for him to cheat on me based on past evidence.

My old self resurfaced though, weirdly mainly in my sleep (I’d convince myself I’m "crazy" to suspect him but then my dreams would bring those signs to the surface and it would haunt me all day) and didn’t rest till I found out the truth.

Going back to 100% blind trust would be impossible. Because it isn’t meant to be that way. Logically, how many cases of financial infidelity have you heard of? My own BIL went and spent 30k on credit cards without his wife knowledge which threw them in terrible debt, it took them years, once she found out, to come out of it. The examples can continue, you can see it happening all around us. People gamble their houses. Sell and hide assets and money. Pretend to still have jobs once they’ve been sacked. The list is non exhaustive.

Why is 100% (blind) trust important? Who does it benefit? I overall trust my WH again. But should I sense something is wrong, I know that this time I’d be clued up quicker rather than tell myself he’s not capable of hurting me. And that would apply for any new relationship. I’m happy with that approach. It doesn’t mean I doubt his every word, it means that I am aware people can make choices that can impact me negatively and I’d rather verify (should I feel something isn’t right) than take a blind trust approach.

Total blind trust is gone forever, and thats a good thing. I still don't use the word "trust" in reqards to my W, but I believe her. The only thing I trust 100% anymore is my gut.

I believe my W is truthful and honest with me. I don't follow up on her whereabouts or check her phone anymore because my gut is good. I will never believe infidelity can't happen again because I know what she is capable of.

My love for her never changed, the only change was I gave up the idea of her being my soulmate. If soulmates are a real thing, then I never found mine.

I see a distinction between '100%' and 'blind' trust. I define 'blind trust' as believing someone won't/can't ever betray my trust.

For several years after d-day, I checked a LOT of what my W said and did for signs of lying. I never found a single lie after she revealed her A. After 3.5-4 years of this, I just stopped checking. I've believed her implicitly for the last 8 years.

I am, however, aware that she's human and imperfect (as am I). I know she could lie, and I rely on myself to take note if I hear or see something that doesn't fit. I trust her, but not blindly.

You know, it's funny. I was in the army for years, and I trusted my comrades with my life. Shame I couldn't trust my wife that way...

I am, however, aware that she's human and imperfect (as am I). I know she could lie, and I rely on myself to take note if I hear or see something that doesn't fit. I trust her, but not blindly.

Thats the point. Trusting someone 100% led most of us BS deeper into the muck. I don't think any BS gets back to 100%. With anyone. Certainly not with someone who's already proven they cannot always be trusted.

I think fairytale love does with fairytale trust.

I have never been cheated on. But, I have never had 100% trust in anyone including my SO. Guess I am paranoid and suspicious by nature???

I don’t think of 100% trust as a bad thing (I distinguish it from blind trust).

But I don’t think I’ll have 100% trust in my husband again. Like old wounds eloquently put it, I need enough trust to be open-hearted and vulnerable, and that’s what we have worked and are working toward. At almost three years out, that feels very possible. I’m not all the way there all of the time, but close.

I don’t think 100% trust is a bad thing to work toward if that’s your goal and it feels possible to you.

I think fairytale love does with fairytale trust.

Exactly. I had 100% trust in my W and our fairytale marriage. I trusted her way more than I should have even after Dday.

100% trust meant that it was inconceivable that my W would lie to me or betray me. So all the red flags went whizzing by and all the excuses were accepted at face value until I came across something so brazen that it couldn't be dismissed.

Even after Dday I couldn't conceive that she had so brazenly lied to me. She had just hidden some things from me. Like the minor detail that she was fucking someone else. She really did need to stay the night for an event. It just so happened that OM would be there with her.

So unless you're willing to stand by and accept blatant lies as truth on their word, don't kid yourself that you're getting back to 100% trust. It would be foolish.

I was just talking about this with a friend of mine. It's an important question.

First, I think there is a difference between blind trust and a conscious choice to trust again, once trust has been earned.

One of the things that betrayal can do is warp the BS; it can take things about us that are good, loving, and open and corrupt them. We start to blame our best characteristics for why we were 'fooled.' I definitely feel that. Some of the things that are the best things about me are what my WS exploited in order to cheat. I feel like an idiot or a fool.

Yet I am convinced that this is the wrong way to think about things. The fact is that my WS was unworthy of the gift of my trust and faith in him. The failure was his inability to appreciate and value a beautiful thing. The question then becomes what would need to happen for him to earn that trust back, in what stages, and with what signs that he now values my trust and my faith in him.

My WS has definitely not earned back my trust yet, but I have chosen to give him a chance to see if he is able to do so. In doing that, I think I am agreeing with OldWounds: I trust myself. Now that I know an entirely new set of possibilities about my WS's behaviors, I do think I will not be fooled again. In hindsight, I know that I ignored some pretty obvious red flags, and I will never do that again. So IF he can earn it back, I will choose to give that gift again--but not before I am sure he understands that it is a gift that he should treasure.

Thank each of you for responding. A couple of thoughts.

I think fairytale love does with fairytale trust.

It is a fools errand to think you know yourself too well. That said i am going to jump in. I am fairly certain i did not think of our marriage as a fairly tale. I am fairly pragmatic. I was not slaying dragons or riding my horse off on another grand adventure. Rather just a guy trying to make his way.

This brings me to my next question though. It overlaps with everyone elses comments about no blind trust or 100% trust. Is whaat each of you are saying that the blind trust / 100% trust should not have been there in the first place. That the trust was misplaced even if you would have made it through until one of you died?

I guess what i am asking is do you think the belief to trust in your spouse and the marriage commitment is a sound belief? If not it seems like I am letting the lizard brain win. Why would you want to be constantly looking over your shoulder so to speak? That seems like the exact opposite of what I want in a any of my close relationships.

Why would you want to be constantly looking over your shoulder so to speak? That seems like the exact opposite of what I want in an any of my close relationships.

I wouldn’t stay if I had to constantly look over my shoulder.

I just like that I trust myself more.

I know what bad boundaries LOOK like for me or my wife, I know what sudden behavior changes mean, I know what infidelity behavior is.

So, it is more like having a perimeter alarm, it is not looking over my shoulder.

My wife has earned a great deal of trust back, I sleep great and feel great about the M we are building now. I just don’t look the other way if something sounds or seems off like I used to do.

Why would you want to be constantly looking over your shoulder so to speak? That seems like the exact opposite of what I want in a any of my close relationships.

I don’t see it that way.

I can observe now, from here, that I once had a giant blind spot when it came to my WW and my best friend. That blind spot was where the affair occurred. That blind spot has been eliminated.

I now see where and what I could not see, but effortlessly. It does not require craning my neck to look over my shoulder. I am aware of the subtlest changes without trying.

This does not cause me grief or resentment. It simply is.

My WW has behaved for five plus years such that I do not fear that she would ever be unfaithful again. But if she did, I would see it, instantly.

This is a better way. I don’t like how I got here, but where I am is better than where I was.

I don't really look at trust as a 100% proposition anymore. For me, trust is much more complex than that, multi-faceted. Romantic trust isn't the only kind of trusting relationship we have with our spouse. There's a book by John Gottman called "What Makes Love Last: How To Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. In it, Gottman offers some fairly intricate quizzes, and I remember answering in the affirmative such questions as "Has your spouse cheated?" and "Do you think your spouse might cheat?" and my trust metric was still surprisingly high. It's because trust isn't all about one thing. I still trusted him in so many other aspects of our life together. I trusted him with money, with our children, even to take care of me if I got sick. I trusted him in countless small ways. Fidelity, while certainly a big ticket item, wasn't the only metric.

In hindsight, I do believe that my "100%" or "blind faith" trust were ill-advised all along. For me, one of the things that made it possible for me to heal in R was the recognition that my fWH is an entirely separate person. He's got a mind of his own, and what he did, he was not about me. It was about him. I don't control him and I never did. I couldn't have stopped it or changed it.

He has a brain of his own. It's kind of like the difference between a horse and a motorcycle. The horse, no matter how much you might love it or how much it might love you, has a brain or its own and is capable of acting on its own. The motorcycle, provided it's in perfect working condition, does exactly what you tell it to. That which is capable of thinking for itself WILL think for itself, and sometimes in unpredictable ways.

We might crave absolute guarantees in our relationships, but by virtue of biological science, how can that be possible?

I was listening to a podcast the other day about women who cheat on men. They interviewed women who were cheating and time and again, they stated that their spouse should have known what they were up to but they were just too trusting. On top of that, it was as if they blamed their spouse for giving them too much trust.

I know I trusted me exWS too much. That blind trust is why it took me so long to believe what he was showing me about his character. I won’t ever have that kind of trust with anyone again.