My husband and I have been married since 2001. We married right before 9/11. We bonded after losing friends in the towers. He and I were very close and shared everything. I always felt we had this special bond because of what we went through. We were in our twenties, I was 25 he was 27.
We had a great marriage and we share 2 amazing kids. We never had major disagreements. Our sex life was seemingly healthy. Communication was on point. I had no red flags! Then out of the blue, he becomes distant.
He was working longer, and later. The sex stopped, and he was a bit cold towards me. I pressed him for answers, he would always say it's work. It's nothing.
I could tell something was wrong. I never in a million years thought it was another woman!
I became suspect when I followed him after work and I found him at a high end restaurant, with another woman. I didn't approach them. I took a photo and I sent a text.
Saying we need to talk.
They were obviously close, it was more than a work meeting or after work drinks.
He responded to the text. He said Yes we need to talk. My husband told me he had been sleeping with this woman. They work for the same company, different locations. They met during a meeting.
They started the affair in May of 2021 the sex started in the summer of 2021 just around the time of his treating me badly. I apologise if I'm all over the place, I'm just so tired and mentally fogged from all of this!! My world is a mess and I hate the instability of it all!
Anyway. He confessed to me he was sleeping with her, he thinks he's fallen for her, but he still loves me. He was heartbroken for lying to me, and going behind my back. He said he was confused how he felt love for two women. He didn't want to leave me he felt wrong and hated himself for being a cheater. He said he had to tell me because I didn't deserve this. He told me I did absolutely nothing to push him to cheat. He admitted that he found her physically attractive, they started out working on projects together. Things just happened so quickly. They had a one night stand. He told her, he loved me. He would never see her again. She came to him again and they just ended up starting this affair. He says he just fell in deep and fast.
I feel he was honest with me. I could see the hurt and shame. He also seems to feel better that he got it out. I asked if he wanted to be with her. He said He didn't want to lose me. I was just spinning. I blanked out a lot of the conversation. I was in tears. He was in tears. He was apologizing. He said he would never see her again. I asked him to leave. I went no contact, I don't know if it was really intentional. I was so hurt and sick from betrayal. I threw myself into work. I'm a business owner, so I just worked, focused on our kids. Both are in college, they have taken this hard. We were a super close family. They seemed torn, I never forced them to take sides. I tried to keep everything as normal as possible.
All of 2022 I was seperated from my husband. He would send me flowers and send text saying he was sorry. He would check in to see if I was ok. If I needed anything. I had moved to Miami for my business. I didn't see him. Our daughter told me he had not seen this woman.
The woman moved out of California to New Jersey for the company,but that she was trying to convince him to be with her!
But our kids said he would avoid her, he would tell them every time this woman reached out. She eventually stopped.
He was crushed for destroying our family, he says what he thought was love was lust.
We saw each other for the first time over the Holidays our son hosted Thanksgiving. My husband was there, he was very respectful, and he never made me feel uncomfortable, and he has given me space. He would constantly send gifts and such, he said he would wait for as long as it takes for me to make up my mind. He always says he will always love me.
We had drinks that night at a bar, and we talked. I thinking I should ask for a divorce, because we have been seperated for so long.
We ended up talking and things began to move forward. He visited me in Miami, when he had a conference in Ft.Lauderdale. We were becoming 'friends' again.
It was good between us. He told me he still loved me. He wanted me back. He was getting IC. He was upset to find out that I have developed a close friendship with my neighbor who is a man. I think that was the only hang up. Otherwise, we were friendly again. Communication was getting better.
We agreed to Marriage Counseling, just to have a professional mediate. It went well it was virtual. I live in Miami and he's in Southern California, in our family home.
So here's the BOMB. My Husband received a call from the AP she had a baby in June 2022 She never told him about the pregnancy! She was sure he was the Father. She was requesting DNA and child support. Well, she was correct my husband is the Father. I am again, broken. I think she came forward because she heard hw wanted me back. She felt the need to get at me.
We were moving in a positive direction, we were friends again. We had planned a visit and family getaway in the spring. Now I just feel sick and confused. I don't know if I can reconcile.
My husband is panicking. A baby was not in the cards.
He found out I went to a Boat show and drinks with my male friend (just to talk and get my mind off this terrible news) and he became extremely angry and jealous. So there's tension.
I know he's panicking over this child and he really was hoping for reconciling. His lashing out at me for having a male friend, when he has no right, is him upset and panicked.
I am just hurt and sick and sad. I honestly don't know what to do next.
I'm still in disbelief. He has to take responsibility. But I don't want to be a part of this drama or the fact that the AP will forever be in his life.
Any advice or direction would be so much appreciated.
[This message edited by Austin76 at 8:29 PM, Sunday, February 26th]