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Just Found Out :
My Husband has Fathered a child. He and I were reconciling

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Austin76 (original poster new member #82951) posted at 6:36 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

My husband and I have been married since 2001. We married right before 9/11. We bonded after losing friends in the towers. He and I were very close and shared everything. I always felt we had this special bond because of what we went through. We were in our twenties, I was 25 he was 27.

We had a great marriage and we share 2 amazing kids. We never had major disagreements. Our sex life was seemingly healthy. Communication was on point. I had no red flags! Then out of the blue, he becomes distant.

He was working longer, and later. The sex stopped, and he was a bit cold towards me. I pressed him for answers, he would always say it's work. It's nothing.

I could tell something was wrong. I never in a million years thought it was another woman!

I became suspect when I followed him after work and I found him at a high end restaurant, with another woman. I didn't approach them. I took a photo and I sent a text.

Saying we need to talk.

They were obviously close, it was more than a work meeting or after work drinks.

He responded to the text. He said Yes we need to talk. My husband told me he had been sleeping with this woman. They work for the same company, different locations. They met during a meeting.

They started the affair in May of 2021 the sex started in the summer of 2021 just around the time of his treating me badly. I apologise if I'm all over the place, I'm just so tired and mentally fogged from all of this!! My world is a mess and I hate the instability of it all!

Anyway. He confessed to me he was sleeping with her, he thinks he's fallen for her, but he still loves me. He was heartbroken for lying to me, and going behind my back. He said he was confused how he felt love for two women. He didn't want to leave me he felt wrong and hated himself for being a cheater. He said he had to tell me because I didn't deserve this. He told me I did absolutely nothing to push him to cheat. He admitted that he found her physically attractive, they started out working on projects together. Things just happened so quickly. They had a one night stand. He told her, he loved me. He would never see her again. She came to him again and they just ended up starting this affair. He says he just fell in deep and fast.

I feel he was honest with me. I could see the hurt and shame. He also seems to feel better that he got it out. I asked if he wanted to be with her. He said He didn't want to lose me. I was just spinning. I blanked out a lot of the conversation. I was in tears. He was in tears. He was apologizing. He said he would never see her again. I asked him to leave. I went no contact, I don't know if it was really intentional. I was so hurt and sick from betrayal. I threw myself into work. I'm a business owner, so I just worked, focused on our kids. Both are in college, they have taken this hard. We were a super close family. They seemed torn, I never forced them to take sides. I tried to keep everything as normal as possible.

All of 2022 I was seperated from my husband. He would send me flowers and send text saying he was sorry. He would check in to see if I was ok. If I needed anything. I had moved to Miami for my business. I didn't see him. Our daughter told me he had not seen this woman.

The woman moved out of California to New Jersey for the company,but that she was trying to convince him to be with her!

But our kids said he would avoid her, he would tell them every time this woman reached out. She eventually stopped.

He was crushed for destroying our family, he says what he thought was love was lust.

We saw each other for the first time over the Holidays our son hosted Thanksgiving. My husband was there, he was very respectful, and he never made me feel uncomfortable, and he has given me space. He would constantly send gifts and such, he said he would wait for as long as it takes for me to make up my mind. He always says he will always love me.

We had drinks that night at a bar, and we talked. I thinking I should ask for a divorce, because we have been seperated for so long.

We ended up talking and things began to move forward. He visited me in Miami, when he had a conference in Ft.Lauderdale. We were becoming 'friends' again.

It was good between us. He told me he still loved me. He wanted me back. He was getting IC. He was upset to find out that I have developed a close friendship with my neighbor who is a man. I think that was the only hang up. Otherwise, we were friendly again. Communication was getting better.

We agreed to Marriage Counseling, just to have a professional mediate. It went well it was virtual. I live in Miami and he's in Southern California, in our family home.

So here's the BOMB. My Husband received a call from the AP she had a baby in June 2022 She never told him about the pregnancy! She was sure he was the Father. She was requesting DNA and child support. Well, she was correct my husband is the Father. I am again, broken. I think she came forward because she heard hw wanted me back. She felt the need to get at me.

We were moving in a positive direction, we were friends again. We had planned a visit and family getaway in the spring. Now I just feel sick and confused. I don't know if I can reconcile.

My husband is panicking. A baby was not in the cards.

He found out I went to a Boat show and drinks with my male friend (just to talk and get my mind off this terrible news) and he became extremely angry and jealous. So there's tension.

I know he's panicking over this child and he really was hoping for reconciling. His lashing out at me for having a male friend, when he has no right, is him upset and panicked.

I am just hurt and sick and sad. I honestly don't know what to do next.

I'm still in disbelief. He has to take responsibility. But I don't want to be a part of this drama or the fact that the AP will forever be in his life.

Any advice or direction would be so much appreciated.

[This message edited by Austin76 at 8:29 PM, Sunday, February 26th]

posts: 7   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2023   ·   location: Miami
id 8779483
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 6:55 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

Look at I CAN RELATE on here. There is one thread about children of cheating.
This has not been an issue for me but others will come along. Don’t panic if the answers are slow in coming. Weekends usually are slow.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4231   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8779488
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Sometimesiamlost ( new member #80208) posted at 6:57 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

So, so sorry. He betrayed you. This is called karma. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life like this. Do you deserve this? No. It will be hard but sometimes it is best to part ways and find someone who can treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Just my opinion

posts: 28   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2022
id 8779489
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Sometimesiamlost ( new member #80208) posted at 6:57 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

So, so sorry. He betrayed you. This is called karma. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life like this. Do you deserve this? No. It will be hard but sometimes it is best to part ways and find someone who can treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Just my opinion

posts: 28   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2022
id 8779490
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NotBrokenJustBent ( new member #82733) posted at 7:02 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

First, I am so sorry for your current situation. There is a very long post under the I Can Relate forum called "Dealing with OC" and it's an entire thread of support for people whose spouses had children from an affair. It should be very helpful for you and even shed light into things you haven't considered yet.

Second, if you have not read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, do so NOW. Like today. It will give you so much insight into your husband's "type" of affair.

I'm sure others will be along shortly with more meaningful advice. I'm still a newly BS so am at beginning of the journey, but you found the right place for support and I hope you stick around here.

We're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2023
id 8779491
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ibonnie ( member #62673) posted at 8:03 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

So you're still legally married, but have been living separately without any sort of formal agreement in place, is that correct?

I don't want to discount the emotional aspect of what you're going through right now, but from a legal stand point, are your finances still intertwined? How old is the OC (other child)? If your finances are still connected, and AP (affair partner) files for child support, how would you feel about what's technically your money going towards that?

Usually the advice is for BS (betrayed spouses) to file for child support ASAP, because the parent that files first gets more money for their children (depending on your state?) but it sounds like your children might be too old for that?

Regardless, you should contact with a lawyer (or three -- don't settle for the first one you meet with, schedule consultations, go in with questions, compare advice and who you feel the most comfortable with) and find out what your rights are and what makes the most sense for you financially ASAP.

"I will survive, hey, hey!"

posts: 2111   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2018
id 8779497
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 9:51 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

ibonnie is correct-- your first order of business is to meet with a lawyer and find out what the impact of this child would be for you financially, particularly if you have any underage kids at home.

A part from the legal and financial implications of an OC, it's pretty much a catch 22 situation. On the one hand, I don't see how its possible to save your marriage when he's diverting time, money, and emotional energy that ought to be dedicated to your family on a child who was conceived outside of it. But on the other hand, it reflects horribly on his character if he's able to use another woman for sex, then coldly and callously abandon an innocent child that he conceived.

As far as a potential reconciliation goes, I don't see how it's possible to reconcile with someone who is as selfish and entitled as he is. After dropping 2 nuclear bombs on your marriage-- the affair and now the OC-- he has absolutely no business getting angry and indignant because you met with a friend for drinks and to talk. The fact that he is upset and panicked-- as he should be!-- is not your problem. He needs to take responsibility for the choices that he's made.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1943   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8779512
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 10:06 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

First and foremost--protect yourself legally. If you have not done so yet, you really need to get this straightened out. I'm assuming that if you are a business owner, you may already have contacts, or recommendations for the proper lawyers. I can't stress this enough.

My husband is panicking. A baby was not in the cards.

Of course it was. That was a real possibility when he chose to have an affair.

I know he's panicking over this child and he really was hoping for reconciling. His lashing out at me for having a male friend, when he has no right, is him upset and panicked.

Yup. He is not getting what HE wants. Your feelings, like during his affair, are below his.

I am just hurt and sick and sad. I honestly don't know what to do next.

1. Lawyer
2. Make sure lawyer did their job
3. THEN, you can take your time to decide what you want. I know that your head may be spinning, but do you want it spinning for another 18 possible years? Once the legalities are handled, you can take things at your own pace. It sounds like he still wants to reconcile. So you still have that option. Take your time(did I mention after the legal stuff?) to decide what you really want.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married over 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4349   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8779514
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 Austin76 (original poster new member #82951) posted at 10:10 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

I have moved out of the family home. I'm really free of any financial burden. Our two kids are in college and grad school, so no need for child support. I have friends who are saying that I should try to reconcile. He didn't know about the the Pregnancy or child until now. If he knew he would have told us. He's been very transparent. I say he's been trying hard to change. I'll give him that.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2023   ·   location: Miami
id 8779515
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 10:23 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

Consult with an attorney anyway just to secure yourself. Since you are not legally divorced, half the assets are yours and you don't want them liquidated to pay for some other woman's child. He owes her, you do not.

As for your marriage: it's entirely up to you. There is no right or wrong answer here. It is what YOU want and what will make you happiest in the long term.

My advice to you would be to take more time. First, see that lawyer. Second, your husband is going to have settle into some kind of parenting relationship with this woman. You don't yet know how much of an impact that will have on him and his time. You might want for all of this to shake out a bit more so you can observe what it would be like to be in a relationship with him.

Because love or not, remorse or not, forgiveness or not, dealing with the child born of your husband's betrayal is a tough path. Do you think you could eventually forgive and be happy with this man while he parent's another child? Could you envision this child being a part of your life in any way? Do you think you could have peace knowing your husband will have contact with his AP for at least the next 18 years?

Your husband has chosen you over his affair partner. That doesn't mean you have to choose him. He comes with a new family now. Give yourself more time. Protect your finances. Watch how this unfolds. Thing long and hard about what a future with your husband and his new child will feel like.

posts: 599   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8779519
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LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 10:39 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

Austin76,

I wanted to say that youre in the right place for great advice. We are all on the same boat as you. Different story but definitely on the same page.

My Husband's AP was trying to get pregnant. He had an A with coworker. I was also blind sided. We had an amazing marriage and we were very adventurous. He too suddenly went cold towards me. No one could fault our marriage apart from the fact that we had been childless. Me and him couldnt have children for a decade and I think she thought if she got pregnant with his child he may choose her over me. Its just a complicated story. I know he loves me and I know he would do anything to make it up to me.We did reconcile and after nearly a decade we did have a child. We now have beautiful children. They are so precious and are our world.

Even though im about 6 years from Dday I have not forgotten the pain that he has caused. The triggers are real. I had one today. I will never forget what he has done to us. He broke us. I dont think it will ever be the same. I always believed an A would be a deal breakfer for me however I did decide to reconcile. So I have been trying. Trust me its hard.

I think if AP did get pregnant with his child I would delete him from my life. I didnt have children at the time as well so I guess it would have been easier for me then you. There is no way I would have been able to do it. Firstly knowing AP and his child will be apart of your life too if you reconciled. This would mean AP will continue to be in your H life. There may be a chance of a Re-A. He found her attractive which means he found her more attractive then you. My H said the same thing to me. However, im absolutely gorgeous and I wear no makeup. So eff him! Maybe he liked the fact that she was fake with all that crap on her face. Anyway thats probably my trigger talking.

Anyway you do have a lot to think about. Im just sorry he ended up having a child with her. Its taken the A to a whole next level. Its not the childs fault but I would opt out of this M because of the selfish H. Karma is a b*tch. Serves him right for not wearing a condom! He needs to face his music. Luckily the ball is in your court. Good for you for enjoying your time with a male friend! If you both happen to fall in love with eachother even better! Just make sure you divorce the other guy first. You deserve happiness. We all do. Just not the backstabbing selfish pricks who think they can make a fool out of us and humiliate us and then act like jelous pricks if a male companion talks to us or even says hello.

Wishing you make the best choice for you! All the best.

posts: 231   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8779521
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 10:43 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

I have friends who are saying that I should try to reconcile. He didn't know about the the Pregnancy or child until now.

That's completely irrelevant, in my opinion. Even if he didn't know about it, it still happened. Any time people have intercourse, they have to consider the possibility of pregnancy. The only 100% foolproof way of preventing pregnancy is not having sex with someone in the first place.

Your friends might be very well meaning, but you're the one who has to live with consequences of his piss-poor choices if you choose to remain married to him. Even if he signs off all of his parental rights and refuses to have contact with OC, you will always know that OC exists and might try to reach out to him or your other kids at any time.

And again, whatever money he pays in support for this child is money that is going outside of your marriage for at least the 18 years... perhaps more if the court orders him to keep the child on his insurance or contribute toward the child's college education. I don't know what your financial situation is at that moment, but you'll need certainly need to consider what the impact will be when you're retired and living on a fixed income.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1943   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8779522
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:59 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

For the rest of your life, this woman will be a part of your life. She will have contact with your husband. They will communicate. You will never know if the affair restarts.

You've been separated for awhile. You should probably stay that way. If you read the OC thread, you won't find very many BS who are happy in their marriage, if their WS has a relationship with the OC.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6680   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8779524
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 11:05 PM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. Please read the pinned posts at the top of the forum and check out the Healing Library.

Take care of yourself and focus on you.

The others have given good advice. You'll want to check with a lawyer to see where you stand legally.

Also, I recommend a DNA test on the baby to make sure your WH is the father and go from there.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3424   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8779526
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 1:28 AM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

He didn't know about the the Pregnancy or child until now. If he knew he would have told us.

Hmmm. Like he told you he was falling in love with someone else and cheating on you?

You have no idea what he knew or didn't and frankly have no reason to believe anything he says right now. The only thing you do know for sure is that he's capable of deceit and lying to you if it suits his purposes to do so.

I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how horrible this is for you and your kids.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3901   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: Louisiana
id 8779541
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Belle25 ( member #63676) posted at 4:30 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

Look, you have to remember that he only told you about her because you caught him red handed. He did not admit the affair on his own. Had you not caught and confronted him, you probably still would not know.

You've done the hardest part; you've moved, established yourself in your new home, and started over. I think it would be tragic to have to go through that entire process again if you decided to reconcile and it doesn't work out. This woman is now a permanent fixture in his life. She is tied to him forever. Will you be able to accept and live with that?

You've seen that life can be good on the other side. My inclination is that you continue to pursue your own life and happiness and leave him to start at square one with a baby to raise.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

posts: 64   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2018
id 8779607
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 5:02 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

You have to look at how you have physically moved on from him, you are all the way across the country. He made decisions in his life that will affect him forever. You don’t not have to settle for his consequences.

I think you would regret going back to him. Take your second chance and run with it.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3427   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8779612
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 6:26 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

Lawyer up. Now. Get your half of the marital assets before he starts having to pour a f***ton of money into the OC. As a business owner for 14 years, I was shocked at how much child support was garnished from my employees' paychecks!

If (god forbid) you decide to reconcile, do so AFTER divorcing. You do not deserve, on top of all the lies and deceit, to have your marital assets used to care for an OC. Let that come our of whatever he has left after D.

Your husband treated you cruelly during his affair, the affair that would have continued for who knows how long and only ended because YOU CAUGHT HIM. Do not let him off the hook because you *think* he's been honest afterwards. Do you think if he was still seeing the OW that he would have told your kids? No, he told them what he knew you wanted to hear, because he knew they would tell you. Cheaters lie and lie.

If you reconcile, this woman, who is clear on her intentions to steal your husband, will be in your life for the next 18 years. Let her have him. He's no prize. He raw-dogged his AP and is surprised that resulted in a child?? So he's a liar and ignorant of basic human sexuality?

You were already so far ahead of the curve (and dupes like me who decided to try to reconcile) by going and keeping NC for so long. You were on the right path to healing and being whole after such an awful trauma... don't invite even worse back into your life.

(And yeah, the fact that he has the gall to be mad at you for having drinks with a friend...?? mad )

Many DDays. Me (BW) 49 Him (WH) 52 Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 335   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8779631
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Reddirtman ( new member #77340) posted at 7:50 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

Austin76
You’ve received a lot of very good feedback and advice from the veterans on this site, and the only thing I would add, is this;
Do what is best for you. Disregard your husband’s desires, your friend’s or family’s suggestions, don’t even factor in your neighbor, just focus on what you want, what makes you happy, what gives you peace, and forget what others want you to do. In the end, you are the one living your life, and deep down, you know what you want, and need to do.
That being said, the legal moves suggested by others, to protect your finances, is a must do first step, regardless of what you decide in the end.
Stay on this site, and continue to take advantage of the wealth of advice, as well as the friendly voices that will help guide you along this journey.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2021   ·   location: OK
id 8779647
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:35 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

I’m sorry you are in this mess.

But you have to decide what is best for you.

If it will irk you got the next 30 years that his $ will be going to support the child, then maybe it’s not something you can accept and remain married to him.

If it will bother you if he has a relationship w/ this child, maybe the marriage won’t survive.

You need to decide what you can accept snd what you want and then how the marriage fits in to that picture (if it does at all).

Maybe some professional counseling would help you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13923   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8779681
Topic is Sleeping.
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