Devastated I'm here to tell you those intrusive thoughts will eventually fade. Unfortunately, it's something you are going to have to accept and go through until your emotions calm down... which more than likely will take lots of time get through this. My biggest question was how much time will it take to begin to heal? I am almost three years out from my late WH death and I am having better days. And those mind movies don't even have a hold on me anymore.
I found out my late WH cheated on me throughout our whole marriage. We "celebrated" 🙄 our 32nd wedding anniversary several days before his death, three years ago this coming March. Talk about being traumatized!! I realized my marriage was a big farce and then he dies.
The last several years before his death he started showing me who he really was by flirting with and chasing other women right in front of me! And he also had at least two longterm affairs. Caused me meltdowns and eventually PTSD.
It was one of the worst experiences of my life to realize the man who I thought I knew was an imposter. I was so blindsided and shocked with this realization. He was a fraud. And I have finally come to terms with that but I didn't want to believe it back then.
It has taken time, therapy and working on myself to get myself into a better mindset. Sure I feel very sad but I am growing and the mind movies barely even bother me anymore. I can even ponder my past and before I even know it I am back to thinking about my day.
Sad and disappointed because of the pain my late WH caused me? I am. And of course I often have moments of is this really how my life was meant to be? Maybe so... because I chose to ignore those early warning signs while dating? I think so. It's hindsight and reflection that has brought me to this conclusion.
I recently met a man that I was attracted to. I was attracted to him a couple of months ago when I first met him but thought he already had a partner so I left it alone. But then a couple of weeks ago he approached me and started what I thought was a nice conversation with me. And within 10 minutes of what I would call a decent conversation, turned into him asking me if I liked bubble bathes and if I would be interested in a friend's with benefits relationship with him. For a moment I was hopeful because I felt we made a connection and that he had mutual feelings for me. But this guy ended up being player, cheater and a liar.
I found out from a friend that this guy does have a girlfriend (not in the traditional sense though) and she is married. And yet he told me that he was single and wasn't seeing anyone. I found out they had actually broken up three years ago after a longterm relationship. She left him and married her highschool sweetheart. But the two are still hooking up.
I've been thinking, was this some sort of test to see if I would fall for the same kind of personality my late WH was? I shut the new guy down quickly and I told him if that is what he was looking for, a friend with benefits, he can get it from someone else.
Turns out that there is more to this story about this guy. Another male who is a friend to the both of us told me that he got a job for this guy at his son's work and this guy was chasing the women there too! Lol Take note, I can laugh again even after everything I've already gone through.
When I reflect on my past, I can see that I was so scared back then to do anything about my suspiousions about my late WH for several reasons; kids, finances, my love and devotion for him, etc. And I also didn't want to believe that my husband would do this to me. So I stuck my head in the sand and stayed in denial for years until the truth of who he was started coming out.
Let me finish my story about the new guy. And what a mess he really is. You would never know how messed up he is from his appearance alone, it was those little red flags, my gut feeling and listening to what he told me that caused me to back away from him.
My friend was so fed up with this other guy that when the other guy tried to approach me a second time, my friend blocked this guy from coming up and talking to me. This happened a couple different times. My friend also got mad at him and told him that his behavior needed to stop! I honestly felt like I was dealing with children.
What an embarrassment. Here my friend tries to help this guy out, even got him a job at his sons work and this guy ends up being a player, chasing the women at the new job. I kind of feel like this is also how my late WH was at his job too. Always finding out who the newly employed women were, chasing them, getting chummy with them.
I've been through A LOT, have PTSD, a broken heart, my WH ended up dieing. I thought or really wanted to believe that he was working on himself but he wasn't. Lots more went down but I think that you get the picture.
I can smile today. I can look back on all those ugly memories my late WH created. I can now stand up for myself and tell others to fuck off if I need to. I am learning about myself and beginning to dream again and get back into life again but without the pain and drama.
Healing has been a long process. I still cry. I am still sad for the outcome of what I thought my life was supposed to be. But I am also beginning to realize that sometimes we don't get to control the outcome of our lives. Sometimes we find we need to learn to live life on life's terms. And once we do that life begins to take new forms.
Your life isn't over with. What you are going through is only one chapter of your life. Give yourself time to heal. Go with the punches and go with the flow. It will take time but the sun will shine again. I promise you that it will. Look around on this site and read others stories as well and you will first of all begin to realize that you aren't alone and that there are others who also have gone through these experiences and have been able to carve out a new life full of peace and minus the chaos and pain. And there is hope that you will get through this too.
Also, give yourself the grace to grieve and feel all of those ugly emotions. Everything you are going through shall pass. It is temporary.
[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 4:27 PM, Thursday, February 16th]