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Newest Member: rmf2rmv

Just Found Out :
Cannot stop crying, cannot function


 Devastated16 (original poster new member #82864) posted at 6:23 PM on Friday, February 17th, 2023

Thank you HurtmyHeart. You gave me a lot to think about. I am so very sorry for what happened to you. I truly am. You summed up how I feel perfectly. My life was a lie. The man I was with was an imposter. I know this is going to sound so bad and it is not a reflection on your pain and hurt.....but I wish my WS would die. I think the pain would be less than trying to carry on with life and seeing him with HER laughing and having a good time while I am dying inside. I want him to hurt as much as I do. I want HER to suffer as well for breaking up my relationship. I want the pictures of the two of them out of my head. I want to shut the thoughts off permanently. I believe everyone when they say it will get better in time but right now, it feels endless. I feel like an empty shell of a person. I know they both get the last laugh as I am crippled with hurt but at the moment, I cannot rise above this pain. The financial constraints of him being gone are now coming into play as well and taking a further toll. I often wonder why I even bother to go on. Every day just seems like an endless tidal wave of hurt. I keep wondering when I will ever laugh again. Sadly I have very few friends and all accept one are keeping their distance because they were "our" friends. I have no family for support. This forum helps but it also hurts. To know that so many people have chosen to be unfaithful and hurt those they "claim to care about" does not give me any confidence going forward. I do not want to be alone forever, but I cannot go through this again. So many of us have been deceived and fooled. It has become easier to cheat then to date. I want to get past the grief and move on to the anger. I just want to be able to close my eyes and sleep. I am lucky if I can sleep for a few hours every night broken up because I wake up every 15 minutes with those "thoughts and images of the two of them". Even sleeping pills have not helped. The few people who I talk to just keep saying "get over it" like I can flip a switch. That's the problem with today. Too many people walk away and turn away instead of staying to fix what's broke. Sadly, I don't have years. I had brain surgery for two tumours 4 years ago. A piece remains that is growing. They cannot operate again. So I have no idea how long I have. I realize anyone could die tomorrow by getting hit by a car, but I know my days are numbered. This pain doesn't help. I hate myself for spending this time crying so much and shutting down but again I haven't been able to find that switch. I realize everyone on here has been hurt and suffered from somebody's complete lack of respect and care. I appreciate the words of wisdom, the advice and hearing what others have triumphed over. I sincerely hope your journey stays on the positive path and that you find someone who values your worth.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Canada
id 8778298

nothisfriend ( member #53171) posted at 7:38 PM on Friday, February 17th, 2023

I wish I could just sit with you and hold your hands while you cry.

Me: BS 50 (at the time)
Him: WH 53 (at the time)
D-Day: 10/25/15
Married: 5/14/1988
One son, age 18 (at the time)
D final 9/13/16

posts: 1282   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2016   ·   location: Illinois
id 8778305

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 8:21 PM on Friday, February 17th, 2023

He cheated on a woman who has a brain tumor! He is not worth one tear. He lives on the surface of life. Be good to yourself. You deserve so much more than this.
Hugs. ((((Devastated))))

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3807   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8778310

RecklessForgiver ( new member #82891) posted at 2:37 AM on Saturday, February 18th, 2023

Just want to echo others. Take it moment by moment and focus on you. Remember we are all in this together and will get through it stronger than ever.

Of course…

I just found a love poem from WH’s ex-girlfriend on the internet. It’s a crappy poem. I am thinking of posting a vicious poem in response—-butI am too sad to actually write anything right now.

[This message edited by RecklessForgiver at 2:38 AM, Saturday, February 18th]


posts: 47   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2023   ·   location: Midwest
id 8778370

CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 2:01 AM on Wednesday, March 1st, 2023

Counseling can be a huge help to find yourself again, to heal from the issues surrounding the divorce, and to find your peace. Being cheated on is devastating as is divorce. It is possible to move on though. Takes time. You should work on you. Get a manicure, or hair done or new clothes or veg out one evening a week in front of the TV with a huge bowl of popcorn or whatever you enjoy and do what makes you happy for a while. Because you can't make anyone else happy if you aren't happy. Wish you all the best!

posts: 320   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Eastern States
id 8779923

Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 5:09 AM on Wednesday, March 1st, 2023

I just read your last post.

Devastated16, please just hang in there. Yes, this is a very tough road and I'm sorry to hear about your brain tumors. Very sad.

I promise you that he will get his karma. Anyone who cheats will pay for it, one way or another they will pay.

posts: 890   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8779942

RecklessForgiver ( new member #82891) posted at 5:42 PM on Wednesday, March 1st, 2023

Dear Devastated,

I feel every one of your words so deeply. I have felt all of these things, too. I am one month tomorrow from my D-day. In the past month, I have learned the following things that have helped me. We are all so individual in our grief, but for what it is worth, here they are.

1). I remind myself every day (every hour, every minute when needed) that what happened was not even about me. I did not cause this. What happened to both of us is about a spouse that lacked the maturity, self-control, and self-knowledge to live up to our own standards for love, fidelity, and monogamy. We are the prize. They failed to be worthy of us.

2) What we are feeling is NORMAL. This site has been a lifeline in helping me understand that. Explore the healing library for some incredibly helpful tools. Someone we trusted implicitly betrayed us. Of course that shakes our self-concept. Of course we are grieving. Something HAS died—trust. We are not falling apart; we are not failures. We are working toward rebuilding our self-concept after a traumatic experience.

3) I needed and found counseling. I need a safe place that is not a friend or family member to explore what I feel and think. I need a sounding board that is only focused on my path to resilience, healing, and independence. I am doing video counseling so I can do it from home, work, or even in the car in a parking lot if I can't find another private space to talk. I am just starting, but it is helping.

4) We might have a long path back to reclaiming our sexuality, and that is OK. Like you, I can't shut down that movie in my head. I can't bear to watch romantic or sexual scenes in movies right now. Sometimes I feel physically ill. I did not see photos, as you did, but I read my spouse's descriptions of his sexual encounters and the sexting they did (because like a total asshole, he kept a log of their encounters and kept in a drawer he used to save mementos of our kids). I will work with a therapist to heal these wounds and give myself the time I need.

5) I tell myself every day that while I am heartbroken I AM NOT BROKEN. WE ARE NOT BROKEN. This is a storm crashing against us, but it will pass and we will remain. Every day. He does not get to break me. I have strength in me he never understood. You have that strength, too, and in time you will find it.

6) Keep sharing and listening to people here. You are not alone. Every BS on this site is sending you a virtual hug because we get it in a way that those who have not been betrayed cannot. Take it breath by breath when you need to, and in time you will find you can take steps forward.

[This message edited by RecklessForgiver at 5:46 PM, Wednesday, March 1st]


posts: 47   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2023   ·   location: Midwest
id 8780052

Sadwife53 ( member #61415) posted at 4:25 AM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

I’m so sorry this horrible thing has happened to you. We all understand how unbearable the pain can be. I’ll hug you through the internet but wish it could be in real life.
I wish there was some way around the pain, but unfortunately I think the only way is through it.
I found journaling helpful. Articulating your feelings somehow helps. Your mind needs to compose a complete narrative of events, ideally where you are the hero of your story who overcomes one of the very worst traumas that can happen in life.
Physical exercise of any type also seemed to help. I read somewhere you can’t think your way out of a "feelings" problem, you have to physically walk (swim, bike, etc) out of it.
Another thing that helped me was taping pieces of paper together and writing out a detailed timeline of who I was before the misfortune of getting tangled up with this damaged immature spouse. I was a good worthwhile and independent person. I’m sure you were too. It’s good to remember that.
Be kind to yourself. It does slowly slowly get better, not in a straight line, but the trend is towards greater times of relief.
Know your response is entirely normal and expected. It takes time to heal.
The stress of it all can be damaging to your health and immune system. Whenever possible be kind to yourself. As far as your brain tumor, are you a candidate for the gamma knife?

Me: 58 WH: 60 married 36 years, 4 adult children dday: 10/5/17 EA and PA with a 30yoStruggling at R

posts: 107   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2017   ·   location: PA
id 8780431

Shermy ( new member #79190) posted at 5:04 AM on Friday, March 3rd, 2023

Hi, been many years since I have been here, but your message brought back that empty and lost feeling I remember in the early stages of my story.

My husband of 21 years had a year long affair, never would have ever guessed he would betray me, but he did. I found out January 16th, 2016. I think it took about a month before I could really function, so that may be the stage you are in, give yourself time. It is a traumatic experience.

I joined a cheap gym, made myself go and at least walk on a treadmill, tho, I did classes, to get around people and it took my mind off of everything for awhile. Got me out of the house, it was Winter, so too cold to do much outside.

I think it was about 6 mos before I was ready to get back to being myself, I did a year of YES. I moved about a hour away, changed where I worked, joined the "MEET UP" app, joined some a trivia group, met new people. Did a lot of things I never had before, just looked at things as an opportunity of adventure. There are all kinds of groups to join, hiking, dining, movies, just join and go, meet new people and do new things.

Push yourself when you feel you can, but early on, definitely allow yourself time, be kind to yourself.

It was June 2017, I had a blind date with prob my third guy. We just clicked, ended up getting married September 2019. We just have fun together, he is a great guy. I am happier now than I ever was before my EX cheated on me.

So, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel!!! If you asked me, I would NOT change anything to be where I am now. I thought I was "happy" with my EX, but looking back, we were more roommates than anything. I really didnt have fun with him, we co existed.

It is a VERY dark place, it will be for awhile, BUT it wont last forever. Know you are stronger than you think and will probably end up being much happier than you were.


posts: 1   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2021   ·   location: 61611
id 8780432

 Devastated16 (original poster new member #82864) posted at 4:27 PM on Monday, March 6th, 2023

I cannot thank everyone enough for all of your advice but please I need more. I swear I am never going to rise above all of this. It has been months and I still do nothing but cry. Everywhere I go, everything I see reminds me of him and us. I have tried all the advice. I haven't slept more than an hour at night in almost 5 months. The endless "movies" of the two of them and the text messages I read...the quotes he sent her still play endlessly in my mind. I try to think of something else. I get up and start baking. I get up and play with my dog....I just cannot seem to turn off the thoughts and images. To make things harder, friends we had, friends we did things with have turned on me! He cheats and they somehow have made it about how had I made him happy this wouldn't have happened! Some of them will not even talk to me anymore yet they are out bowling and partying with him! My entire life has been shattered. I sit at home and cry and cry while he is out enjoying every second of his life with people who were my friends! Not only did I lose my relationship, my pride, my stable home but now my friends. I have been having such dark thoughts. I am not sure if it is the exhaustion, the feeling of worthlessness or the endless hurt that isn't lessening....but I am not sure how much more I can take. I do not have family and now I do not even have friends for support. How did this turn out to suddenly be my fault? how is it that he cheats and I am to blame? How did I become the bad guy in all this? No matter what I do.....I end up in tears. I could be enjoying a show or dinner out and bam...tears as the images and thoughts take over. Everything in my dam house reminds me of him EVERYTHING! I cannot afford to move. I have rearranged furniture. I have moved things around. I get so angry and then so upset because it is eating me alive that he is out having fun as if what we had meant nothing and I home alone in pain. I sometimes think it would be easier to just never wake up. I wouldn't have to see, hear or deal with his enjoyment or my agony. I cannot afford counselling. I can barely afford my home since he is gone. My head knows that at some point the pain has to lessen but I am not sure I will survive until I get to that point. All the firsts are so painful. First holiday without him. The passing of his birthday. The unfinished projects he was working on. Spring is almost here and the plans that had been made. It just never ends. People in stores who were used to seeing us together asking where he is. I have a neighbor who lives beside me who loved my EH. She would always talk to him and not so much me. She saw he was gone and she said right to me, "I knew you couldn't hold a man like that!" Of course, now all of this has me thinking what could I have done differently? Did I not shower him with enough love? Did I not compromise enough? I am being made to feel like somehow I caused this. But how? I thought we were happy. I didn't see anything wrong. He didn't express that he was missing anything. We did everything together. We shared I love you's man times a day. We texted throughout the day to stay in touch while we worked. What did I miss? I am such a shell of a person. I think I hate myself as much as I hate him and the mistress. Sadly, I don't hate him and that's the problem. If only he missed me. if only he was the slightest bit unhappy about being kicked out. I see his posts. I have sent he pics. He is out with fiends every night, laughing and socializing. A friend we both had has told me that he is happy. She spoke with him and he has told her that he is happy to be free to do everything he wants to do with whomever he wants to do it with. He refers to our relationship as "stale". I just cant stop crying. I just cannot seem to pick myself up. This pain is becoming unbearable. :(

posts: 20   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Canada
id 8780971

RecklessForgiver ( new member #82891) posted at 1:31 AM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023


Are you in IC, and has your counselor got experience with trauma? Some of what you are experiencing might be related to the ways we don’t process a traumatic betrayal the way we do other experiences, and that is part of why you might be feeling like you can’t progress or get better. There is nothing wrong with you. You did not cause this. What is happening is that you are struggling to process all this, and that is because you experienced this as a profound trauma. It happens to a lot of betrayed spouses. The compulsive replaying of that movie in our minds is one sign; I know it is what is happening to me.

Not all therapists are actually good with the specific strategies that help to actually process the traumatic aspects of betrayal. If you are in IC, it might be you are not working with someone focused enough on trauma therapy. If you are not in IC, you really do need it. We all need a guide to figure out how to do this. We need a guide to how we can even start to heal.

In the end, if he is behaving and saying what he is saying, he is not worth your tears. If he cannot feel empathy for the damage he caused, he cannot even be a good partner— to anyone. You deserve better, but you are just too hurt right now to see that.

Keep posting. We are here for you.


posts: 47   ·   registered: Feb. 17th, 2023   ·   location: Midwest
id 8781083

Lolati11 ( member #34915) posted at 3:03 AM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

I am so sorry you found us here . It’s the grieving period, ride the rollocoster of emotions , you will come stronger trust me . I forgave my WH for his first affair and we had what I thought I great 10years ha . He did it again and I didn’t feel a thing, to me it’s like nope I choose me now sir. Does it hurt? Yes but I knew immediately that I don’t want to be with someone that has no words. Make sure you are eating and drinking, go for walk, listen to some music ,Adele works for me lol and dance like a mad women at home, it’s yours , you made a home there and he chose to mess it up, redecorate if you can and make it your space, your happy space. It’s ok to have feelings when you remember the good times. You can’t take them back. It works for me I think of a good time as a good old time, the future is all mine and what I make of it .

Me:36Him: 53OW: a monster that I called friend before D-Day:June 20,2011
D-Day #2 February 2023
Me: 42 Him: 59 OW : 49 6kids and 3 baby dads
You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you

posts: 156   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2012
id 8781091

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:58 AM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

I went back and read your posts again.

Please use my eyes to see the truth about your husband and that woman. THEY WERE SEXTING immediately after she came to work. That will tell you every thing you need to know about the morals of both of them. At some point in the future you will be glad he is gone. He has no morals. And he is stupid to hook up with a woman like her. You are so much better than them. And what horrible person said it was your fault. They should now be one less person in your life.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 12:52 PM, Tuesday, March 7th]

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3807   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8781098

 Devastated16 (original poster new member #82864) posted at 7:27 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

Thank you everyone. I so appreciate all of your support. I read and reread everyone's comments to try and dig myself out of this hole. I appreciate all the virtual hugs. They do mean so much to me.

I have been absent from this site for a while. It has been a very hard few weeks. Still not sleeping, still crying, still cannot get rid of those movies in my head. With the nice weather coming I know he will be out more on his motorcycle and the chances of running into him with someone else or even just with a large group of friends terrifies me. Physically, it is taking a toll. I have had a few incidents where I get so physically upset that I get dizzy and I have fallen. I broke a few toes and have a black thigh at the moment. The doctor is aware. His concern with my brain tumour is that the stress, lack of sleep and general upset may cause a stroke or aneurism. I sadly told him if it kills me oh well, one way out of this misery. Needless to say, I was almost committed. I will not harm myself, but I do not really care should something happen. I still struggle finding a way to get up and face the day.

I had two brain tumors (one attacking cranial artery, one attacking the optic nerve) that were operated on in 2017. It was a 16 hour surgery that left me incapacitated for almost a year. I had a 50-50 chance of living. Those odds ended up being in my favour. I had to learn to walk again. My right eye was shut for 6 months. It was a long road to recovery of which the EX was there through. He wasn't the most compassionate even then, but he was there. Now, I am fully healed (eye open and I walk just fine) with the exception that a part of the tumor remains. It will grow. It will kill me eventually. They will not operate again as the first operation caused severe TBI. I have been told I wouldn't survive another surgery. However it could be 20 years before this tumour takes my life or it could be tomorrow. I stopped worrying about it a few years back. Sadly with my recent upset, the doctor has growing concerns. My tumour seems so insignificant in the face of all of this pain I currently feel. However, I do feel like damaged goods from that. My confidence took a hit then and now he has managed to make me feel completely worthless with his A. I do not want sympathy or special treatment. Unless I told someone, they wouldn't know I have a brain tumour. I just get a lot of headaches still and always will. I am just clarifying as I am not letting the tumour define me. It has nothing to do with his cheating. But clearly his lack of care for my well being and his concern only for his own needs is more than evident. What he desires, he chases after regardless of how much he hurts me.

I just cannot come to terms with the fact that he is "enjoying his new home", enjoying "coming and going as he pleases", thrilled to be "out with friends doing things", loves having "no strings", didn't "realize what he was missing" until he was "single again". All wonderful things people have felt the need to pass on. I hate myself that my life has come to a grinding halt while he is living life to the fullest. I know the best revenge is to live a happy I haven't found a way. I just cant seem to find a way.

The wish for him to suffer even a small portion of the pain i feel is so strong. Then the upset that he doesn't feel any hurt or pain, just crushes me. it is a never ending cycle. One he is winning and I am losing.

I know in my mind I am not to blame. I know in my mind both he and his OW are despicable people. It doesn't change that I see how happy he is without me. I see that he could do this horrendous thing to me, to us and no one cares. No one is making him accountable. No one cares that he could hurt me like this. I struggle living in a world where someone who could do this walks away happy with all of his friends and family acting like he has done nothing wrong.

[This message edited by Devastated16 at 7:32 PM, Tuesday, March 28th]

posts: 20   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2023   ·   location: Canada
id 8784561

goalong ( member #57352) posted at 8:16 PM on Tuesday, March 28th, 2023

Unlike with one's parent family where most of the time parents and siblings would hang around ,to me, marriage is like a business contract. It is good if the spouse is there forever but there is always the chance the partner would leave if the circumstances change. The destiny has dealt you a bad deal, try to accept that and make the best out of the circumstances. Be with your circle of friends and family and get their help and input to lead a fulfilling life. Keeping the head up in adversity is attractive and getting over being sad and worrying (which make things even worse) and be content in itself is an achievement.

No one will do more harm to a person than his/her wavering/uncontrolled mind (Buddha)

[This message edited by goalong at 8:18 PM, Tuesday, March 28th]

posts: 809   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8784569

Summertime22 ( member #79796) posted at 10:58 PM on Thursday, March 30th, 2023

I remember feeling like she had ‘won’ too. That she had took everything from me that I had worked so hard for, that I had invested years of my life in. It’s a truly horrible feeling. I can recall the utter devastation.

I felt it in every way, physically, emotionally and spiritually. She even took my home. Luckily I still had a flat I owned so at least she couldn’t take that.

I’m just over a year out. What I know now is that she ‘won’ a lying, cheating self absorbed man who is totally untrustworthy, selfish and unreliable. Lucky her!

You will see that soon too. I know it doesn’t feel like that right now. But you will. He has only cares for himself.

You deserve so much better than this. And you will find it.

She has a lying cheat.

posts: 201   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8784928
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