Me: 58 WH: 60 married 36 years, 4 adult children dday: 10/5/17 EA and PA with a 30yoStruggling at R

A different kind of betrayal

Over 4 years from dday, I was feeling more or less restored to my former self. Our marriage was better in so many ways- spending much much more time together, I felt loved and supported and appreciated and connected, like he was being more honest with himself and more open and honest with me. He stopped drinking with the help of rehab, AA, 12 steps and IC 4 years ago and that made a massive difference in him. He seemed like he became the wise deep thinker who I needed, as opposed to the shallow alcoholic who would react without the full function of his frontal lobes.

Two weeks ago while I was sitting at the kitchen table on my laptop and he was on the sofa watching golf, his snoring/ breathing sounds sounded strange. I couldn’t wake him up and he was hardly breathing. He had a pulse. I called 911 and did mouth to mouth. I thought he had a massive stroke and I was losing him. Thank God the paramedics checked his pupils and gave him Narcan and he came to. If I had gone upstairs to dye my hair like I planned he would have been dead.

He’s been taking prescribed narcotics for his spinal stenosis pain. He lied to himself that he could control his dosage, taking them only when needed but he was out. That afternoon, he went to lunch with an old buddy, an end stage alcoholic who gets very few visitors. He’s a mess, can’t drive, so my husband takes him on his errands, one of which is getting drugs. So my husband decided supposedly without premeditation to get some too, claims it was the first time for pills off the street. I know, he’s an idiot. And an addict.

I’m thrilled my husband is alive and well. It scared him to the extent he claims he’ll never touch opiates again. He’s back in IC, and is honest with his sponsor.

Once things settled down, I find myself back to dwelling on the affair and back to feeling pain and anger I thought was finally behind me. I’m sharing it with him. Three days in a row. He claims he’s worries he’s not strong enough to handle the shame over extended periods, that he needs to forgive himself. I know he’s right.

I don’t want to abandon him over this. I love him and want only the best for him, but I refuse to settle for a fake dishonest relationship. I did that for way too long.

I don’t know what I’m asking. I think I just needed to share.

10 comments posted: Wednesday, March 16th, 2022