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My thoughts after listening to my quack MC’s pedantic Unmet Needs psychobabble.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:04 AM, Sunday, February 12th]

Everything.

If anyone had a reason to be unfaithful and unmet needs was a reason, it would have been me. Just saying.

WS withheld affection. WS withheld sexual intimacy. Guess he did not want to cheat on his AP's.
He was a spiteful piece of work who blamed everyone but himself for everything. He used to scream at me until he spit on me. Oh and did I mention he was a lying cheater? Lots of unmet needs had I (in Yoda Speak). But Cheater was I not.

It’s unmet WANTS. Not needs.

No one needs sex. Blue balls is not a medical condition. You don’t die without affection. Wants, not needs.

When my WH tried telling me that he did it because he wasn’t getting enough affection, I asked him how that worked out for him. Then destroyed our wedding crystal in a ditch. It was ten years ago, but I seem to recall screaming, "I’ve got your goddamn affection right here, you mother fucker."

He said it didn’t work well.

You know what I want? A person who doesn’t fuck me over because they’re vaguely uncomfortable and can’t self soothe.

You know what I want? A person who doesn’t fuck me over because they’re vaguely uncomfortable and can’t self soothe.

This! A person who doesn't place greater value on their own self-importance than another person's well-being.

Thanks for this post! I am so so so sick of that line from my WH.

It’s all part of a justification in his own mind that makes him feel better about violating his own ethics and commitments he made of his own free will.

I am all in for brutal convos about what went wrong in the relationship so we can decide to fix it or move on, but I am not up for an argument about how (in my case) my menopause caused his unmet sexual needs and hence an affair. riiiiight.

So if your "needs" are not being met, why not leave? Ask for a divorce. Go get your "needs" met someplace else.

Oh wait...nope. They stay and abuse by cheating and then look at you and wonder why you just don't bow down to them and sweep it under the rug and want to suck their dick? Cuz them cheating on you made you feel oh so good. Puleeeeeze.

It's called emotional abuse for a reason. Extortionist would be a good word as well, maybe a marital terrorist as well is a good word.

It's not love. Not even close.

I am going to be the outlier here. A very good psychologist explained that all human endeavors, feelings, etc are on a continuum.
The first 4 years of a child’s life are the building blocks that should be sturdy enough to handle almost all pressure. Anything that interferes with that building begins the slow torture of a child. Our early needs are simple but so necessary that any lack has a profound affect on the rest of our lives. As babies we all need a dependable caretaker. We need stability. Every day should be calm enough for us to grow mentally, physically, emotionally and later socially.
One thing that happens at birth is that we begin making decisions although we have no speech in which to do so. Yet memories begin, connections are made, or not made, and it happens all the time. The last and most important need is the one for nurturing. Years ago babies died by the dozens in orphanages because no one nurtured them. They were fed and changed and left in bed day after day. It is called failure to thrive. Imagine growing up in a house where no one does the good things for you, where alcohol and drugs are, where violence happens, when no nutritional care is given, where the adults don’t have time for you, where you are sexually molested. All of this goes into your sub-conscience. Nothing is ever forgotten down in that little hidey hole but your conscience mind only remembers some of it. The next thing that happens is all that pain, that grief, that fear, are waiting and when the first hormone hits rage explodes. It might be hidden but it is there and one thing you can bet on it that you will never allow another person to have power over you. It might be overt or covert but you will make sure you stay on top.
There is another factor at work. Genetics. One child might have the hidden strength to overcome FOO and another might not. Many of you seem to have that strength.
Please get a large piece of paper and draw a circle. Some of you probably have heard of the Circle of Need or the Circle of Trust. It is a quick way to help understand unmet needs. At 12 o’clock write Need. At 3 o’clock write need express. At 6 o’clock write Need me/Need unmet. At 9 o’clock write Trust begins/Trust does not begin. In the center write Attachment begins/Attachment does not begin.
AND parents need to cradle their infants on their forearms so they face each other and be close enough to talk to them. Every single eye contact has synapses forming. Babies see a loved face so trust begins. Attachment begins. What happens if they are never looked at or acknowledged? Do they feel loved? These might be someone you live with and hurt you but love you even when they are acting out.
On the other end of the continuum are the narcissists, sociopaths or just plain bad spouses/SOs. They go to therapy long enough to get better at conning you. They might have been born that way, or made that way but you mean nothing to them other that for sex, money, social position, roof over their heads etc. They will never be good mates.
Lastly please watch two videos. One is by physician Nadine Burke Harris TED talk and Marilyn van Durber who was Miss America back in the late 50s who finally admitted her very prominent father had molested her for years. Read the book GAMES PEOPLE PLAY and they are not fun games.

I am going to be the outlier here. A very good psychologist explained that all human endeavors, feelings, etc are on a continuum.
The first 4 years of a child’s life are the building blocks that should be sturdy enough to handle almost all pressure. Anything that interferes with that building begins the slow torture of a child. Our early needs are simple but so necessary that any lack has a profound affect on the rest of our lives. As babies we all need a dependable caretaker. We need stability. Every day should be calm enough for us to grow mentally, physically, emotionally and later socially.
One thing that happens at birth is that we begin making decisions although we have no speech in which to do so. Yet memories begin, connections are made, or not made, and it happens all the time. The last and most important need is the one for nurturing. Years ago babies died by the dozens in orphanages because no one nurtured them. They were fed and changed and left in bed day after day. It is called failure to thrive. Imagine growing up in a house where no one does the good things for you, where alcohol and drugs are, where violence happens, when no nutritional care is given, where the adults don’t have time for you, where you are sexually molested. All of this goes into your sub-conscience. Nothing is ever forgotten down in that little hidey hole but your conscience mind only remembers some of it. The next thing that happens is all that pain, that grief, that fear, are waiting and when the first hormone hits rage explodes. It might be hidden but it is there and one thing you can bet on it that you will never allow another person to have power over you. It might be overt or covert but you will make sure you stay on top.
There is another factor at work. Genetics. One child might have the hidden strength to overcome FOO and another might not. Many of you seem to have that strength.
Please get a large piece of paper and draw a circle. Some of you probably have heard of the Circle of Need or the Circle of Trust. It is a quick way to help understand unmet needs. At 12 o’clock write Need. At 3 o’clock write need express. At 6 o’clock write Need me/Need unmet. At 9 o’clock write Trust begins/Trust does not begin. In the center write Attachment begins/Attachment does not begin.
AND parents need to cradle their infants on their forearms so they face each other and be close enough to talk to them. Every single eye contact has synapses forming. Babies see a loved face so trust begins. Attachment begins. What happens if they are never looked at or acknowledged? Do they feel loved? These might be someone you live with and hurt you but love you even when they are acting out.
On the other end of the continuum are the narcissists, sociopaths or just plain bad spouses/SOs. They go to therapy long enough to get better at conning you. They might have been born that way, or made that way but you mean nothing to them other that for sex, money, social position, roof over their heads etc. They will never be good mates.
Lastly please watch two videos. One is by physician Nadine Burke Harris TED talk and Marilyn van Durber who was Miss America back in the late 50s who finally admitted her very prominent father had molested her for years. Read the book GAMES PEOPLE PLAY and they are not fun games.

Duplicate

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:24 AM, Sunday, February 19th]

Duplicate

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:20 AM, Sunday, February 19th]

3yrsput. I’m trying to understand your post. Unmet needs is never an excuse to cheat.

However, withholding sex and affection in a relationship definitely contributes to a breakdown of the M. If you’re saying that your WH should have simply sucked it up when sex snd affection was being withheld from him, then I respectfully disagree with you.

If you were not giving him sex and affection, then you should have both communicated about this and worked out a solution, whether by yourselves or through MC. Under no circumstances should he have cheated because of it.

However, if your response to his request for sex and affection was grow up, get over it, act like an adult, sex is no big deal, then I respectfully disagree with you here. It certainly is a big deal to most men, and women as well, I might add.

I apologize if I misread your post. Either way, I think what I just said is applicable to the breakdown of many marriages, and worth repeating and addressing in all relationships. Do not ignore the issue of sex and physical affection!

When my WH tried telling me that he did it because he wasn’t getting enough affection, I asked him how that worked out for him.

Exactly. This is just one more way we can tell that the "unmet needs" argument is horse shit. ACTIONS speak for themselves. We don't see cheaters problem-solving within the relationship. If the priority is having an emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship with one's partner, where it the effort? Instead it's "oh, she rejected me" or "oh, he didn't make me feel special", blah-de-blah-blah-blah-insert-excuse-here.

The reality is often that the old kibbles weren't doing the trick anymore and it wasn't about getting some sex or some attention from the cheater's mate, it was about variety, new pussy, new dick, new kibbles.

As BS's, we're so quick to blame ourselves. The hidden lure of that is that when we manage to convince ourselves in some way that it was our fault, it's something we can then control. Spouse goes outside marriage for sex?.. do more sex. Sounds reasonable, right? But the problem was never REALLY about the sex. We know that because the cheater didn't address THAT problem. He addressed a whole separate problem. We can look at his action and see that it was not actually directed at getting more sex at home.

Cheaters lie. We see that said all the time, and typically, the first person they lie to is themselves. The excuses are so ubiquitous that we often refer to an imaginary "cheater's handbook". So why do we assume that the "sex/attention" excuse has any actual merit? If the WS claims they wanted more sex, that doesn't translate to "more sex within the marriage" because the ACTIONS didn't address "more sex within the marriage". The actions only addressed "more sex", and "more sex" means that we are just a masturbatory tool instead of a person. As excuses go, I can't imagine a worse one.

The more time you spend in contemplation of the "unmet needs" fallacy, the more arbitrary and ridiculous it becomes. I think the lure there is that we want control of the situation and we get the illusion of it when we blame ourselves.

Why does NO ONE ever ask why a BS may have a low sex drive with a WS who is cheating on them? That maybe they are just TURNED OFF by a selfish immature WS who only thinks they should do what they want, not address it with their partner and then not only betray and cheat on them but now turn around after you have stabbed them in the back and now ask "WHY" they are just not turned on by you?

In your logic, should a BS just lay there and take it? Should they just not say anything and because "sex" is so important to a cheating lying WS it seems that the blame lies with just one person in the relationship? (and oh by the way it IS important to a BS, its just too damn hard for anyone to want to deal with that)

Whenever I see a guy in a bar trying to pick up some chick and using the phrase that his wife just doesn't give him any at home, I always want to say "why is it that your wife does not want to have sex with you?" Every wondered about that? Or obviously you just don't care. Cuz that would mean you would have to figure that one out.

Have you met her needs? Is she having mind blowing orgasms while having sex with you, but now all of a sudden just doesn't want to have sex? Or maybe she is not having so much fun... maybe the WS is not meeting the BS's needs. What about that? If you want to feel that it should be "talked about".

[This message edited by realitybites at 1:06 PM, Wednesday, February 22nd]

Although I wrote about the deep seated need of adults who lived in chaos as a child I still do not excuse cheating. If you can hold a driver’s license, know how to vote, fill your car, you have enough sense to leave before you cheat.

Dude 67-

The only convo I ever got from my WH was after I busted him fucking strangers from Craigslist.
I would have loved to have a heads up to change things. But then maybe he would have had to have listened to my side of unmet "needs".

But ten years out now he admits he was a bottomless pit of unfulfilled "needs", not just sex but constant validation, constant ego kibbles, etc. none of it with him was real. It was rug sweeping his own sexual molestation by becoming hyper sexual and acting out.
The only need that wasn’t being met was one he needed to meet for himself; confronting his abuser and getting therapy.

Marriage is not always 50/50. It needs to sometimes be 90/10 and then 10/90, it all evens out in the end.

And we all have choices. Cheating isn’t justified because I chose not to suck his dick in an alley.
But then, he never asked, either.

Exactly I was the one who had unmet needs with having to take care of everything financially and taking care of the kids. I wonder how my xWS unmet needs are working out now that I'm divorcing him

The only convo I ever got from my WH was after I busted him fucking strangers from Craigslist.
I would have loved to have a heads up to change things. But then maybe he would have had to have listened to my side of unmet "needs".

This exactly. More retconning of the relationship.

I think it's a lame excuse. If one gets to a point where they feel the need to go outside the marriage for any reason they need to tell their spouse and fix it or end their marriage. No excuse to have an affair.

My WW rattled off all of her "unmet needs" for the first 3 sessions of marriage counseling. When it was my turn to list MY unmet needs, she walked out!

Every relationship has "unmet needs" but only people of poor character step outside of the marriage. You either sit down and discuss EACH OTHER's unmet needs (not just the wayward's) and make efforts to address them, or you announce that you intend to get certain "needs" met elsewhere since you are not getting them from your partner, or you terminate the relationship and seek out another one to meet your "needs". Cheater's just let the BS deal with their "unmet needs" while the cheater lies and deceives to get their needs met. Cheaters want ALL of their needs met.

Cheaters want ALL of their needs met.

Exactly! My WH complained of a dead bedroom but when I told him how WE could FIX this, he didn't want to hear it. Want to know why? Because what I was asking for (my needs in order to feel vulnerable and close to him enough to WANT to be intimate) had ZERO to do with sex! He literally told me that he was NOT going to meet my needs and that he didn't care about them and if I didn't like it "Too Bad". However, he expected me to meet ALL of HIS needs. And I could have done what he did and found someone outside the M to meet my needs. But I made a decision that the rest of the M was good and I was going to take this one on the chin and stay. That meant though that he was NOT going to get HIS needs of more sex met either because I was not going to COMPLY and have sex with him when I didn't feel vulnerable and connected. That was his choice.

After finding out about the A he finally realized that he had been the biggest problem and had caused the issue. Also realized that he NEVER tried to work with me to fix it. Refused to go to counseling or even to listen to me, so I stopped trying. He still says that he put NO effort into his A, though I have pointed out that yes he did, and that effort should have been put into him being a better husband/father. But he's always been selfish, always out for number one and hardly ever sacrificing anything (even a little discomfort or time) for any of us.