To start, i dont believe there is ever a justifiable reason to cheat. Leave, divorce? Yes. Cheat, no.
My good friend is a former wayward. He cheated on his W with prostitutes. He was angry at the lack of sex which was as little as a few times a year. Once a month or less is considered a sexless marriage according to therapists. They tried MC, but she refused to budge on the issue. Her intransigence resulted in his passive aggressive response where he would "get even". After years of introspection, he has come to the conclusion that he was too cowardly to end the M as they were both "evangelicals" and he did not want to look bad to his peer group. So yeah, his choice was better 
.
Now, I have spoken to him at length and he has clearly come around to why he did what he did and how it affected his BS, now EX. He was in an abusive M, slowly dying inside. I firmly believe that withholding sex is a form of abuse, just as refusing to communicate is also a form of abuse. Could you imagine a husband who agreed to only have a meaningful conversation with his spouse three times a year? It would be pretty challenging to label that as anything other than psychologically crippling. Oh sure, she could talk to friends,but what if that was taboo? It would be soul crushing.
My journey through infidelity has been very good for his growth as a person and as a man. He has had a ringside seat to the pain and devistation that infidelity brings, and has held space with me in my darkest moments. I say this without reservation: he is one of the finest human beings I know. But despite that, I pull no punches in calling out his terrible choices and he now sees how broken his thinking was back then. He has told his grown son his entire story, withholding nothing. His only desire is that his son be a better man than he was. He is also an open book for anyone in need. I think he feels his shame and guilt need to mean something.
He has also softened towards his EXW. She came from an extremely dysfunctional family who was very legalistic. Her father was an abused man, constantly browbeat by his wife, and i found it gut wrenching to witness,like abox of puppies being kicked down a street. There is a strong indication that she was sexually abused by her brother and hints that her family,most likely her mother, covered it up in order to save face with the church and preserve her image with the church. She has refused counseling, probably fearing what it might uncover. All of this points to significant FOO issues, especially in the area of physical intimacy and gender roles. It is, quite frankly, a mess. Coupled with my friend's FOO issues, it was a broken and toxic relationship doomed from the start.
Ironically, he is in his late 60's, and only now becoming the man he ought to have been his whole life. I wouldnt say he is happy, but he has good moments. She has moved on, most likely carrying the burden of her FOO issues, now coupled with the trauma of betrayal. It breaks my heart.
In the end, yes, healthy people self validate, but there are so few of these mythic healthy people I wonder how we manage to have relationships at all.
[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 11:16 PM, Saturday, February 25th]
