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Just Found Out :
Insane Situation- Need Help Please

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 DistraughtInDistance9 (original poster new member #82399) posted at 7:53 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

shocked

This is by no means something I just found out. But I was uncertain where to post this. Sorry for the length of the post.

I’ve been married for a year and a half. And it’s been a total nightmare. My husband after two months of marriage decided to contact countless women online who were way too young for him, so he could have an affair.

He was going out every night as well. He lied about both actions for over a month. This was also at the start of my pregnancy. I took off for awhile, slept in my car trying to figure out what to do and secretly hoped my absence was going to get him to change.

When I returned, I went through his phone and gathered evidence he had been going out every night on his GPS. He eventually admitted while drunk he had been lying and all those women were attempted sexual conquests.

He said that he wanted to be "married to two women", and wanted to be in an open relationship. At this point, I was one months pregnant. So this was pretty inappropriate behavior. He later on would admit that he was looking for other girls because he wanted to leave me. Not realizing I was hormonal and pregnant.

That same month, I was diagnosed with an STD. This was the point where the lies started getting out of hand. It was the point where I started discovering the cold hard truth. I went on a quest. Looking through his phone, I found a message to a couple women that appeared to be on their way to his house when I was not home around 11 PM, calling him "babe". He denied this again and said someone else used his phone. Obviously I didn’t buy it.

The more my pregnancy progressed, the worse things got. He became more controlling and objectifying of me. And he turned physically abusive. At one point he assaulted me in the stomach. I didn’t do anything legally because I was afraid he would turn it around on me.

The manipulation also got worse. I was coming home finding my bed moved everyday. I also found hair that was not mine all over my bed, false eyelashes in the bed, feminine products that weren’t mine in the bathroom, evidence stuff was getting moved around. Still, he denied and gaslighted me an affair was happening.

His behavior was getting weirder and withdrawn. I knew without a doubt he was cheating. He was weird with his phone. People were making comments he knew. But he maintained the manipulation and lies. This has continued for nearly a year. He has said while drunk he would never stop seeing her, that he would never stop cheating- then denied it.

I see evidence he enjoys messing with me like this. And the girl I believe is his mistress has been going into my job, plus other stalking and harassment behaviors. But because I can’t say without a doubt who she is, it makes doing anything about that impossible legally. I also have reason to believe he somehow has the ability to track my movements and has been having others help isolate me for years.

I have started my journey of looking into legal sanctions to place on him to prevent some of this behavior. But I feel really powerless. And the situation is a nightmare. I can’t put into words how much his daily betrayal has hurt me. The manipulation tactics he’s using are evil. It took me a long time to come to this conclusion it was even really going on. Now I’m certain.

He has also made extreme attempts to silence me about his affair. He manipulates people around me that he isn’t doing it, and has tried to withhold sex to shut me up as well as hit me. There’s speculation by therapists he has a personality disorder. I believe that’s highly likely.

Why I posted is- I’m looking for advice from everyone. I really don’t have anyone I know who understands this and can help me. That’s why I’ve stayed so long. I’m totally alone.

What can I do legally in this situation? What I might be able to do emotionally to cope? How I should leave effectively when I lack finances. Etc? And yes, I know I need to leave. I just can’t yet.

I’m also just hoping for support. It’s been such a hard thing to go through. Sometimes I just want encouragement from people who have been through this you can move on and things do get better.

[This message edited by DistraughtInDistance9 at 8:03 PM, Tuesday, November 15th]

posts: 4   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2022   ·   location: CA
id 8765286
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whoknows ( member #12597) posted at 8:15 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Hello there. I hear you. Honestly, GET OUT NOW!!! If he's doing all that, he won't change and you can't love him into changing.

What goes around comes around...

posts: 130   ·   registered: Nov. 8th, 2006
id 8765289
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 8:19 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Contact a lawyer and tell them all this. They can give you advice on your specific situation.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 5 years) & DBF (dating 4 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 864   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8765290
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:29 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

There are domestic violence shelters in every part of the country.

Pack up your clothes and get there immediately.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12781   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8765294
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 8:35 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Please go to the nearest domestic violence shelter (call the non-emergency number for the police to find out where one may be located). They can offer you a place to stay, legal referrals or even help you find legal aid, and they will assist you in making a permanent escape plan. Please go today--this man is very, very dangerous.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33125   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Ohio
id 8765296
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 8:38 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Contact the Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233

There are domestic shelters that may also have information they can give to you regarding legal resources.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1488   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8765297
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 8:39 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Contact a D attorney immediately !!! also contact any friends or relatives that may help, otherwise go to a shelter for abused women, they typically have resources and offer legal advice.

posts: 2691   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8765298
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LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 8:55 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Call the domestic violence shelter, if you can’t find the phone number call your local police office (not the emergency number) and get it. They will organise transportation if you cannot physically get there, they will tell you what to pack but usually they have kits ready for those who don’t have time to pack and run. They have the means to support you financially at court. They will help you with therapy. They will help you be safe and rebuild your life.

There are domestic violence shelters in every part of the country. Call them now. Get out of that house ASAP

They can make as many promises as they want, but if they don't put action behind it, it doesn't mean anything.

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 300   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8765302
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 9:19 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Gather the clothes you need, and important papers, and go to the nearest womans shelter.
You are being abused.
You have help available, but you have to go get it. Starting w/ a shelter is really the best choice, they will also hook you up with an attorney to help you learn your rights, and make him fulfill his obligations.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19605   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8765307
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 9:49 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

When you split for the nearest Women’s Shelter, ensure you do not telegraph your moves. If he senses you’re about to split things could escalate. Watch out for serious manipulation. Every kind of manipulation from subtle to maniacal, from love bombing to threats of all varieties.

Let your maternal instincts motivate you to seek safe refuge. As soon as you get to safety, I’d contact authorities and get a protective order and then contact a lawyer.

I hope the next time we hear from you you’re already in a safe place.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:50 PM, Tuesday, November 15th]

posts: 990   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8765313
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LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 10:33 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Why cant you leave him just yet?
what is holding you back?

You are in an extremely risky situation. Its starts of hitting and assaults here and there but can eventually it can lead to murder. Too many stories ive read.

You need to get yourself to safety. If not for you then for your child.

He will never change. He is a violent pig and a compulsive liar. Like other have said. Get out and get out now!

You are strong. You can free yourself from this situation. Youve got help everywhere. Maybe not from your own people but definitely from organisations that will put you in a safe place. You can do this!

posts: 200   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8765318
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 10:39 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Contact the Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233

There are domestic shelters that may also have information they can give to you regarding legal resources.

I do think your situation is an abusive one and that it's not an overreaction to contact the domestic abuse hotline. There are also other online resources like womenslaw.org where you can find more information.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6167   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8765319
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BoundaryBuilder ( member #78439) posted at 12:34 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

I also have reason to believe he somehow has the ability to track my movements and has been having others help isolate me for years.

Not sure what to suggest about the tracking - be SURE to mention this concern when you call the Domestic Abuse Hotline. I hope they'll have some tech suggestions for you. You may need to buy a burner phone and stop taking your present phone with you when you leave the house. A tracking device in the car is also a possibility. Look around under seats, floor mats, pockets, glove box, trunk, spare wheel cavity, and feel around inside the wheel wells on all four wheels. Look under the car and under the hood as well.

Please, please call the Domestic Abuse Hotline. You say you "can't leave" but you MUST leave. Discuss all of your concerns about why you "can't leave" with the DA support folks. I'm sure they'll confirm that what you're dealing with is abuse. And they'll help you with a detailed plan to leave. Finances seem to be a big concern. Discuss this with them. And be aware -they can help with temporary housing/support.

Gently.....you may not recognize the danger because you've been conditioned to accept abuse. That's your reality. So you may not see the real danger, or recognize your abusive husband for the threat he is. Your fight/flight responses have been systematically deadened. We see the danger! Believe us.

Stay safe. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to protect your child.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 11:24 PM, Wednesday, November 16th]

Married 32 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 64 HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
D-Day=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 146   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8765337
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:48 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

As a former cop I dealt with domestic violence all the time. This is classic domestic violence. This is exactly how it starts and the odds are something like 999 to 1 that this will develop into physical violence once he either a) realizes he’s got you dominated and/or b) he senses he’s losing control.

And yes, I know I need to leave. I just can’t yet.

When can you leave?
Your options right now are three: Leave by yourself, leave in a stretcher or leave in a body-bag.

Remember: You might be willing to accept some misery and misuse to reach some greater goal, but right now misery and misuse is impacting your pregnancy. As is the STD. You NEED to leave.

The suggestions to contact an abuse center are spot-on. Other than that, maybe family or a friend that can offer you shelter and security.

Your legal aspects and finances? The contract of marriage ensures your rights and his obligations to his pregnant wife.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11130   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8765369
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 DistraughtInDistance9 (original poster new member #82399) posted at 7:31 AM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Thank you everyone for responding. And for recommending the DV shelters. I have been to them and I think they’re waiting for me to leave. I have an update.

So my husband admitted to three incidences of infidelity. One with a sex worker while I was 9 months pregnant. He claims he is a sex addict. My feeling is I am still right about the long term affair despite his lies still. He claims he’s had a flirtation with a coworker. I can’t say I believe anything he really says anymore.

After the admission I felt relief. But immediately after I felt deeply depressed. I know he’s still doing it. I’m working with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse so I can begin thinking about leaving. I know it seems weird that I’m not. I’m just afraid to be alone. His behavior has not changed. He still gets excited to work on the weekend when he admitted this coworker was there.

I’m just devastated and depressed beyond belief. Between the physical abuse and cheating I feel emotionally worn out. Hands down the gaslighting and emotional abuse is the hardest part. It’s made me lose me sense of identity and I feel aimless and brainless. I pray someday things can improve

[This message edited by DistraughtInDistance9 at 7:32 AM, Saturday, November 19th]

posts: 4   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2022   ·   location: CA
id 8765906
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OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 9:28 AM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

As others have posted, get out of this relationship ASAP.

There are resources available to help you do so, shelters, legal help, etc…make it happen.

There is nothing outside of you that is making you stay.

I was young and dumb and stayed with a cheater.

posts: 3420   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8765910
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 10:40 AM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

You need to leave this monster today. Not tomorrow or the next day, but today. Don't ever tell him you are leaving, call the emergency hotline, pack your stuff when he is not around, and get out!

You need to get out now before you end up leaving in a body bag.

posts: 11665   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8765911
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 12:52 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Dr. Ramani has some great YouTube videos on narcissistic abuse. Look for her video on trauma bonding. He's showing you who he is, and you can't "nice" him back.

You aren't alone. You have a baby to look out for. Is this the type of environment you want for your baby? Please, try to be strong for your little one.

If your good friend related the story in your first post, what advice would you give?

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1488   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8765918
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 1:35 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Hands down the gaslighting and emotional abuse is the hardest part. It’s made me lose me sense of identity and I feel aimless and brainless.

You are expressing yourself well here. The emotional abuse is wearing you out. This will not improve on its own or go away by staying. That sense of fog and powerlessness will remain if you remain in this situation.

I pray someday things can improve.

They can improve, but you need to take action to remove yourself and your child from this situation. If you are a praying person, something led you here. You have been counseled by many here to get yourself to safety and let yourself begin to heal. The path is revealed, you just need to walk it.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 5:59 PM, Saturday, November 19th]

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?No, I ain't happy yet.But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrsBoth in IC & MCMarried 31 yrs now2 kids-both in HSAttempting R

posts: 286   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8765923
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:14 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

We use the word gaslighting as if it’s kind of a silly issue but it is lethal. It’s based on a movie about a man trying to drive his wife insane. Gaslighting is so bad because the person who is the victim then begins to question his or her own reality. It takes very little time to drive a person crazy if they trust the gaslighter. Often you see children so damaged that they can never function properly as adults. What you need to do is get to the library in your town and do some research. If you have the money go to a trauma therapist because someone has done such a number on you that you question your own self.
You can leave. You can pack what you need in one suitcase march out the front door and down the street and around the corner until you find a policeman and then ask him where the women’s shelter is. You can do that. You must do that.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3604   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8765929
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