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Newest Member: Beschaedigt

Just Found Out :
Insane Situation- Need Help Please

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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:43 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

I know scared.

I know it feels like going to Mars. Total unknown.

This is your precious life. We are all scared for you.

Please please please free yourself and give yourself a precious gift of a second chance.

There is no future but pain for you and the baby there.
You're not in a prison. You can go. Fear and uncertainty is holding you.

Pray for strength. I want you to have a life of joy and contentment.

That house has nothing but darkness. You're in danger.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2497   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8765938
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:53 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

His infidelities are irrelevant, as is his possible sexual addiction.
He could be totally sexually loyal to you and even abstain from all forms of sex or porn or flirting for years.
The issue is that all his actions towards you – way beyond the infidelity to the marriage – are classic control and abuse actions.
We have shared what you need to do.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11130   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8765941
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:09 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

I’m just afraid to be alone.

You ARE alone. That's the mindfuck of abusive relationships. There's no reciprocity. No emotional intimacy. And eventually, no matter how much or how long you continue investing in this relationship, the discard eventually comes, because that's what narcs do. That's the pathology.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6167   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8765948
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BoundaryBuilder ( member #78439) posted at 8:47 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Bigger is spot on - the infidelities, possible sex addiction and so on are not the issue. The issue is he's an abuser.

Infidelity is one of the most powerful coercive weapons in the abuser's arsenal. He's using infidelity to diminish your self-esteem, tear down your confidence and increase feelings of vulnerability. Which leaves you feeling powerless, humiliated and threatens ANY feelings of safety and security within the relationship. The isolation (aloneness!) and denigration you describe are common feelings associated with infidelity - even when domestic violence is not present. Which serves his goal to control your social behaviors and relationships with friends and family - so you keep quiet about the abuse. That feeling of being alone also contributes to feeling trapped in the relationship. Entrapment is key to his coercive control over you. So, in a nutshell, cheating is part and parcel with domestic abuse. It's a tool he's using to manipulate you, to isolate you. I hope this makes sense.

It's good you talked to a domestic abuse organization and are working with a therapist. These humans care about you - so you are not alone. I bet these folks in real life are also urging to leave NOW. Can you reach out to anyone else IRL - what about family or friends? One of the hallmarks of domestic abuse is the abuser often forces a break with family and friends to further tighten control over their victims. Maybe this happened to you? Don't isolate yourself in this hell he created. You're not alone. Get up and dial that phone! Get up, pack that bag and leave! My thoughts are with you.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:17 AM, Monday, November 21st]

Married 32 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 64 HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
D-Day=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 146   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8765986
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 DistraughtInDistance9 (original poster new member #82399) posted at 1:04 AM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

I see everyone telling me to leave and I agree. Here’s another issue. I believe that he has had powerful family helping him harass me. If I leave I know this will continue. It manifests in them isolating me. I’ve had several long time friends tell me they were confronted with threats if they continued to speak with me. So they didn’t. I have been dealing with stalker notes/gifts for many years. How can I get this to stop? I’m afraid this will continue if I try to take custody of my daughter. And that might put her in a dangerous spot. I know this seems bizarre but it’s all what I’ve experienced.

I don’t believe his behavior will improve so I know I should go. I think he and those around him really enjoy messing with me and have zero concern about his kid. I don’t know what to do and that’s also part of why I’ve stayed. Yes I can get a TRO but I’m not sure if that will help or not. Any logical and legal advice is helpful. As are resources. I’m sure I’m not the only woman who has ever been in this situation. The issue is I’m not even sure how to prove it so I can legally get it to end.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2022   ·   location: CA
id 8766631
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 1:25 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

These kinds of questions are why domestic abuse centers exist. If you're in the U.S., call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6167   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8766686
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 3:51 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

If they cannot find you to harass you then you are in a better place. Domestic abuse shelters have the ability to deal with all of this.

He cannot manipulate you if he has no contact with you. Shelters for women make sure if that.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12781   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8766698
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 7:44 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

You need to get to a DV shelter ASAP, get a TRO, and file for divorce.

You need to start reporting every incident of stalking and harassment to the police. If you know people who have been threatened by your husband and his family, have them come with you to corroborate your story.

Basically, if you’re going to keep custody of your kid and protect yourself and your child, you need paper trail that will back you up and you need to explore every single legal option that’s available to you.

You don’t have the option of sticking your head in the sand and waiting until "you’re ready." You’re in danger.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 946   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8766722
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 DistraughtInDistance9 (original poster new member #82399) posted at 2:17 AM on Saturday, November 26th, 2022

Bluer:

I have considered doing all this, yes. And I’ve been in contact with domestic violence advocates. I have reported all stalking to police. This includes the letter I got, the weird gifts over the years, and unusual incidences with people randomly threatening me both online and in person.

I have kept some notes on this, but not as good as I could have. My husband has given me an almost complete picture unwittingly of how some of this has been pulled off over time by listening to who he has connections with, how he would go about destroying a person, and it all adds up and checks out with what I’ve experienced so far over the last 6 plus years.

My issue is, no one will listen to this. And because most people aren’t familiar with what lengths domestic abusers will go to to ensure control of a victim. Most won’t believe me or listen to what I say. There’s pretty sufficient evidence imo that there’s stalking going on and there’s been several times he’s known I was at locations he should have had zero indication that I was there over many years. He often says if I left he wouldn’t pursue me in any way. But I think that’s because he knows he has other footholds over me regardless of whether I leave or stay.

We live in a digital age and with a few good connections it isn’t hard to find someone or observe them. Even from across the globe. That’s the main thing I want to figure out how to fix legally. I suppose I need to keep reaching out to legal counsel, shelters, etc to get my answers here.

Oh and as far as the friends that told me they were threatened. They stopped talking to me and apparently the intimidation worked. This particular friend my husband has made odd comments about many times. And my husband has expressed interest in knowing these friendships ended and seemed to derive pleasure from that. He has said that if he wanted to destroy someone he would completely isolate them.

[This message edited by DistraughtInDistance9 at 2:24 AM, Saturday, November 26th]

posts: 4   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2022   ·   location: CA
id 8766752
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:01 PM on Saturday, November 26th, 2022

Your husband is not omnipotent; he’s just emotionally, mentally, and physically battered you down so that you believe that he is.

I’m glad you’ve reported and documented his abuse at least in some way. Now get yourself to a DV shelter as soon as possible.

Every escape starts with one step out the door.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 946   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8766779
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:25 PM on Saturday, November 26th, 2022

He is a monster! Leave!

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3604   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8766789
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 9:15 PM on Saturday, November 26th, 2022

You left him once and went back.

You've described him as evil.

You said he hit you. When you were pregnant.

You said he got your friends to abandon you.

You said he seems to know wherever you go.

You're seeing a therapist.

You say you know you should leave but that you can't. You haven't explained why you can't.

You say you're concerned that no one will believe you.

In your first post, you asked for legal advice and advice for how to get through it emotionally. Almost without exception, every single person who has read your story has given you the advice to call DV Hotline or leave, that you are married to someone who is going to escalate more and more. But one thing you could do to stop some of the insanity is to quit asking him about his cheating, about where he's going, what he's doing and with who. It makes no difference anymore so I hate to see you wasting your emotional strength trying to discuss things with a man when there is a really simple way to know when he's lying (his lips are moving).

I read all of this and wish there was a way for us to help you truly realize the danger you are in and the terrible, awful life the future holds for you daughter if she lives in the same house as that monster. Her life is forming now. Her attachments to people are starting now. Her perceptions of the world and people is starting now. You mentioned that your family is toxic. But that doesn't answer the question of whether they'd be willing to help you. Are they truly toxic or did he convince you that they're toxic? Are they so toxic that you're in greater danger of bodily harm (or worse) being with them than you are with him?

The longer you stay, the more difficult it will be to leave.

I don't think there is any legal advice anyone can give you because the stalking, etc. is all just "stuff" designed to get you to put up with the lying, the cheating, the gaslighting and the physical abuse. So it doesn't matter if no one believes you about the stalking because the stalking isn't what has the potential to seriously harm you. Same with his friends. It doesn't matter what they believe.

You don't have to prove any of those things in order to get a divorce. You don't have to prove any of those things to get help from DV services. You don't have to prove any of those things to have a consultation with an attorney.

I wish you the best.

BW, was 67; now 73; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. D July, 2017

posts: 3161   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8766830
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Imsodone ( new member #82447) posted at 10:43 PM on Saturday, November 26th, 2022

I have been in your shoes. I was married to an abusive narcissistic sociopath for 30 years.
I get your not ready to leave. We are never "ready ".
There will always be some hope that he will change that holds us back. He won’t change. He gets a thrill out of seeing you like this. I know that’s textbook behavior for a narc.
Take you child and get out NOW. Don’t look back, no matter what he says or does, if his mouth is moving, he’s lying. Sorry/not sorry for being so blunt. This is life or death. That’s one of the the thoughts that finally got me to go. I had a cop ask me if I was waiting for the narc to hurt and possibly kill me. He asked me if I wanted the narc to raise our kids. That woke me up.
I know it’s scary. I know how alone you must feel. But we are here for you. As well as the dv shelter.
Do you go to church/ temple, mosque, etc? These are also great places for support.
Good luck, God bless, and keep us posted!

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 23rd, 2022
id 8766837
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