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Newest Member: Stillconfused2022

Just Found Out :
Well, here I am.


 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 5:18 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022


Finally had a conversation with her (she started it). She asked what we were going to do and I said I don't know. I asked her directly what she wanted. She wants to R, but neither of us are really sure if we have the energy for it. She DID apologize the right way, said what she did was wrong and she never should have done it. However, she is still using the the fact that "we don't like to do the same things" that pushed her to it. She said she never met up with OM and it was an online only emotional affair. She also said she knows that she gets no alimony because of the affair. She asked only that I help her after separation, if we go that way, so she doesn't fall flat on her face.

I asked her what she was willing to do. I asked about her phone, laptop, passwords to all accounts, etc. and she said yes. I asked about a post-nup where if we divorce for any reason I don't pay alimony and a poly. She said probably but she would need to talk to her attorney first.

I told her I just don't know what I want to do, that she has more work to do and I am looking for indicators that she is sincere. I told her that she still doesn't understand what she has done to the family, the marriage and especially me. I need her to understand the pain that she caused.

We both agreed that we lack communication in our marriage, and it hasn't been great. What she was saying, was that she wants someone to do things with her and enjoy doing it, but the marriage was comfortable and not the problem.

That's about it. I think I will continue with the separation until I am sure I am not being played.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8765265

LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 6:14 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

I'm glad for you that she finally realized it was on her to move forward with this and not you.
Not doing the things she likes together or enjoying the same things is certainly no excuse, and I have no idea how much or how little you two did together or apart. For some people that can leave a void in a relationship, one she should clearly have discussed with you, but as you said, you two don't communicate well, but not a void that she should use as cause.
Its entirely possible she isn't playing you but the opposite is also just as likely. As you've heard before cheaters lie, a lot.
Good idea asking for the poly, from what I've read around here, it tends to lead to some last minute confessions.
You're still doing remarkably well for someone just out of the gate.

posts: 83   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8765269

Kindern ( member #78441) posted at 6:33 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Did she offer anything in the way of proof their meet-up wasn’t physical?

Given the sheer number of texts and photos it was clearly sexual. They have been physical in the past given he is an ex (I assume).

A poly is one thing but does anything indicate it was "only" and emotional affair beyond her word?

posts: 51   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021   ·   location: Uk
id 8765274

sven ( new member #80286) posted at 6:36 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

She also said she knows that she gets no alimony because of the affair. She asked only that I help her after separation, if we go that way, so she doesn't fall flat on her face.

Sounds to me like, after talking to her lawyer she had the need to talk to you. I guess she understands her weak position now and wants to make sure that she doesn’t fall to hard. Doesn't look like sincere reconciliation. The ones who truly regret it and have remorse immediately do everything to try to fix it, yours pretended for days like nothing had happened and then comes up to you and talks about alimony and help.

Nah I don't believe her.

posts: 10   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2022
id 8765275

Hotdog ( member #58066) posted at 6:44 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Her motive for reconciliation is based on financial reasons. I highly doubt that she did not meet up with the OM during her visit to his town. She is in survival mode!

posts: 152   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2017
id 8765276

numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 6:53 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Ask your attorney about condition (not sue that is tgeceight term). It can imply that you accepted the affair. Not that you would, but probably best to avoid any "martial relations" with her. Not familar with NC, but that is what we pay attorneys to know for us.

I am so sorry you are here, but you seem well onto your way surviving and thriving your W attempts to mess up your life.

She is still in la la land and it will take time for her to realize just how bad of a spot she is in. All of her own making.

Yeah it always stuns me when a WS seems shocked that their AP lied to them too. Seriously, if they are lying to their BS it seems reasonable that the AP could be lying to them. . .duh.

Anyway her little fantasy bubble just lost some air. It is likely it won't burst until she finally comes to terms that her M is ending and she is the one that made the choices to bring her there.

Keep your chin up. You did nothing wrong and you have tremedous power and agency to make the next chapter of your life whatever you want it to be.

Also I think your W ahould see an IC (add as a condition of not divorcing right now). She clearly has had some personal crisis, probably about being an empty nester, that she needs professional help with before she screws up her life even worse.

Keep posting. SI kept me sane and focused through the worst of it. IC helped me quite a bit too. So please consider that for yourself.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 6:55 PM, Tuesday, November 15th]

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5066   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8765281

fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 8:11 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Well, you are in control. You set your boundaries. Watch her actions and whether she has empathy for the pain she caused you. They do not always get it on day one. Have her read “How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair” by McDonald. A good short book. You might read it as well. She needs to seek IC to help her get into what led her to be so broken that she could have an EA. It is wise to watch and determine her sincerity. If you decide not to give R a chance, proceed to have her served, and you can separate and set up separate households. It’s your call. Both D and R are acceptable routes out of infidelity. If your WW’s A was a dealbreaker for you, then move ahead with D. You are under no obligation to try to R. Do seek IC for yourself moving forward. You are only a few weeks in, and you have had your life exploded. IC can help you deal with the emotional fallout. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3353   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8765288

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 8:33 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

However, she is still using the the fact that "we don't like to do the same things" that pushed her to it. She said she never met up with OM and it was an online only emotional affair. She also said she knows that she gets no alimony because of the affair. She asked only that I help her after separation, if we go that way, so she doesn't fall flat on her face.

Brother if this is what is on her mind after her huge betrayal, it indicates she still light years away from being a good candidate for R, move full steam ahead with the D while you still have the upper hand, remember that you can always stop it if she ever comes around and shows true remorse and verifiable actions, but even if she does, and that's a big if, you don't owe her anything, that you can still proceed with the D and even date her after the ink is dry (unlikely).

posts: 2691   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8765295

LostInHisFog ( member #78503) posted at 8:44 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

She also said she knows that she gets no alimony because of the affair. She asked only that I help her after separation, if we go that way, so she doesn't fall flat on her face.


This is the sole value you have to her, the wallet.

If she could D and get her hands on alimony she would have started the ball rolling. I hope you guarded your words and didn’t vocally agree to support her if you separate because she might have been recording you.

Why shouldn’t she fall flat on her face? It’s called consequences.

No lawyer is going to say "yes, sign it" to a legal document that isn’t in their clients best interest, her not agreeing to it off the bat, saying she will get her lawyer to help draft it, tells me she has no intention nor interest in healing this relationship nor put effort in enriching it.

Test the waters. Cut funds off now and see if her attitude towards you changes.

They can make as many promises as they want, but if they don't put action behind it, it doesn't mean anything.

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 300   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8765300

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 9:25 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

RoverGuy- You will never have another opportunity like this to protect yourself, your kids and assets. You can divorce your wife and still be a couple. Read that again, YOU CAN STILL DIVORCE YOUR WIFE AND STILL BE A COUPLE, and also protect yourself financially from her.

You never know if she is going to cheat again, but just know, now that shes gone through it, she will be smarter and will be able to hide things better from you. If you divorce her on paper, you will protect yourself financially, and she can still work through her whys and way towards R for both you and your kids. Let that be the condition. If she is truly truly remorseful for what she has done, and not only using you as backup plan B, than she won't have an issue with it. That does not mean you cannot help or support her financially, all it means is that you get the paperwork done to Protect yourself. And you absolutely have every right to b/c she cheated.

As for her not meeting up with the AP and it being physical, we all know that's a crock. The fact that she's still lying about that, and than on the Post Nup says she has to ask her attorney tells you she is not yet there on R. Move ahead with the D, and make her work for R. My exWW was also just as pompous as your WW. She never got her head out of her ass, still arrogant to this day.

You only have 1 chance at this, Take it and protect yourself. You will get to watch her actions while you go through D, and it'll tell you all you need to know about her. If she starts acting nasty during the divorce, than you know it was the right move. If she starts to change, goes to counseling, gets her head out of her ass, and really becomes empathetic to you, you can get right back into a relationship with her, but NOW you're protected from her financially.

posts: 1377   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8765309

CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 12:23 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Protect yourself at all times.

You should have a VAR on you at all times.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8765335

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:45 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

I strongly recommend you make her do a poly. Why are you at face value accepting her assertion that it was only an EA? On the other hand, if it ends up being a PA snd that doesn’t bother you, than of course skip the poly.

Either way, if you tell her you want a poly and she refuses, what is that telling you? Either she had a PA or she really is disinterested in meeting your requirements to R snd what you need to begin your healing.

posts: 565   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8765339

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:52 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022


Definitely look into getting the best post-nup possible. Personally I don’t think they can be draconian, but definitely get your attorneys input on this. I fear that personal loan… Maybe set as a condition in the post-nup that the loan is paid by her share of any marital assets and if there is any alimony it first goes towards the loan.

However – Rover – what kills reconciliation isn’t realizing the affair was physical or they met seven and not six times. What kills reconciliation is trickle truth. That’s when she gently eases one fact at a time, generally when forced to.

In October we went to a wedding in the same state as the dude and she wanted to go early for a little time to herself. (3 days). Yea, they met up.

I have my serious doubts that over three days this only remained at sipping wine and gazing into each others eyes while braiding friendship bracelets…

IF (and I don’t want to make an assumption so let’s stick to IF) this was physical then the trickle truth might be that you learn a month into reconciling that they did meet when she was in his area. OK – so you learn that and she insists it was only a dinner and no contact. Only you learn six months later that they went to a hotel. It was only kissing… eight months later it was only oral…

I don’t like assumptions but I do use deductions. I find it strange that this hot "emotional" affair takes place and she doesn’t use the three days she has to see him. I deduct she met with him.

Trickle-truth will kill your shot at reconciling. Both YOU and SHE need to be aware of this. If you want to reconcile it needs to be from the TRUTH.

I encourage you to do this:

Make it very clear that there is no reconciliation if she doesn’t trust you. This doesn’t apply to you – your trust to her is shot, and part of R is the reconstruction of a trust based on trust but verify. Part of that trust is that you need to know what happened – including if there was sex. You need to see what photos were sent, if there was sexual content, if there was phone-sex, if there was contact. Tell her that no matter what she shares you will give her and the marriage 20 days to digest the truth before you decide to file or reconcile. Point out that this generous offer clearly shows you WANT to reconcile.

The truth is of utmost importance.

Then make it clear that at some point you require a polygraph to confirm she’s told the truth. Make it clear right away that if the polygraph indicates she’s lying it’s confirmation that she doesn’t trust you and there is no chance of reconciling.

Those three days alone… get her agenda. What did she do? Whom did she visit? Where did she eat? Look at payments – card transactions. Is there a charge for dinner or did someone pay? Is there a charge at a fancy restaurant when she claims to have been out alone? If she says she went to dinner with her friend Sally – you phone Sally. Ask her what restaurant and if she remembers what wife ate. Then and only then ask your wife where they went and all that.

It is SO important that you know the truth.

[This message edited by Bigger at 10:23 AM, Wednesday, November 16th]

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11130   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8765342

BeyondRage ( member #71328) posted at 3:23 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

You are doing very well sorting through this shit show but as you have been told, if you are not confident that you have the entire truth, whatever decision you make will leave you more unsure if you made the right choice. As Bigger just told you, you do not want to find out she has been lying and that there is more to drop on you.

It appears to me that your best course of action on that is the polygraph test. As a side note, my WW demanded to take one and she passed it totally. Now I can assure you that her attorney will tell her not to take it because he does not give as rats ass about your mental health and trust.

Now since you already have mentioned it I believe, she has probably already started to investigate reasons she can tell you they are not reliable.
But the important thing is her reaction when you insist. People with nothing to hide are not scared of taking this test. And if she agrees you need to go through with the test regardless of whether or not she drops any more information on you. They do that many times to get you to cancel the test.

As Bigger also just pointed out and others have, your wife carried on this inappropriate relationship, lied her ass off to go out there without you and had three days where you would be clueless. I know you do not believe they did not meet, and if they met up it is very naive to think nothing happened physically.

I hope you go on the offensive here, force the test and get your answers. If she absolutely refuses, that should tell you want you need to know.

Good luck.

Me- 49M
WW- 48F
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female

posts: 504   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2019   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8765349

Legatus ( member #79152) posted at 4:40 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Trickle-truth will kill your shot at reconciling. Both YOU and SHE need to be aware of this. If you want to reconcile it needs to be from the TRUTH.

I liked this phrase from Bigger. You have been proactive about protecting yourself and drawing boundaries. The Trickle truth can do more damage than the affair itself. We all want truth, but we don’t pursue it sometimes because it’s more comfortable to convince ourselves the lie is truth. I’ve done this a lot, and I let myself down in doing so. I don’t see you doing that.

Sticking to your guns and not deluding yourself in for short term self comfort will benifit you in the future. That advice is true for both outcomes (R or D).

posts: 108   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8765350

Adolfo ( new member #79193) posted at 7:32 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

What she was saying, was that she wants someone to do things with her and enjoy doing it...

Ask her to plan something. It won't answer all the questions, but it'll tell you something. See how she reacts. This put some onus on her to do some work toward R. If she can't come up with an activity she'd like to do with you after expressing that as something she would like to see in the marriage, then maybe she is not a candidate for R.

[This message edited by Adolfo at 7:48 AM, Wednesday, November 16th]

posts: 14   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2021   ·   location: NC
id 8765354

The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:09 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

🚩 she’s still blaming you by saying "we don’t like to do the same things".

My H tried to justify his affair by saying "we were disconnected". I heard that one too many times from him and let him know HE disconnected from me. I gave him some very clear examples of it. HE stopped communication with me and I didn’t force it.

He has since made some changes and he communicates better. He is more open.

And he stoped using me as a train to cheat. He finally got it.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12780   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8765363

 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 1:27 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Thanks for all the support and responses.

Me and the WW spoke a lot last night. She swears on our children's lives that she never met up with OM. Looked me right in the eye when she said it. I'm not saying I believe her, though.

I sent a note to my attorney to continue with the introduction letter and request financial statements. I also asked my attorney to make sure that the reason is listed on there as infidelity. I also asked about a post-nup and any options I have to protect myself from alimony if we try R.

Now she does have a point about us not doing things together. It's not just my fault, though. She is just as much or more to blame. I told her that is the stuff we could have discussed together, or with a MC, but instead she wandered. She accepted that was a mistake and apologized.

And just to be clear, I was the one who started the conversation about finances. I asked her if we went to D if she would make it difficult. That's when she said she knows she doesn't get alimony because she cheated. She responded by saying that she would hope I wouldn't make it difficult and would help her in separation so she doesn't fall flat on her face.

I am seeing some positive actions on her part. But it's too early for me to make any decisions, so I am still on the D path. I need the truth, and I need to believe it. Somehow she has to prove to me what she is saying is the truth.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8765376

asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 1:49 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

She accepted that was a mistake and apologized.

It was not a mistake. You’re not at the brink of divorce because she burned the toast.

Somehow she has to prove to me what she is saying is the truth

Have her write out a timeline of her A. Verify it with a polygraph. Writing it out also helps to dispel the "I made a mistake" refrain.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 477   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8765380

fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 2:08 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Read and reread Bigger’s last post for a great approach. Trust cannot exist without the truth. A written timeline. Schedule a polygraph.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3353   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8765382
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