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Newest Member: Beschaedigt

Just Found Out :
Well, here I am.

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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 11:32 PM on Friday, November 4th, 2022

Before I get into the story, just so excited a place like this exists. So thankful.

Just found out 2 days ago my wife of 26 years has a relationship with an old boyfriend from many states away. She found him on Facebook in February and they have been in touch ever since. Tens of thousands of texts (that's how I found out) and thousands of pictures. She was smart and deleted all of them so no idea what they said.

If that were it, I probably wouldn't be on here. In October we went to a wedding in the same state as the dude and she wanted to go early for a little time to herself. (3 days). Yea, they met up.

If that wasn't crushing enough, she is showing no remorse and is blaming me for everything.

We have 2 grown children, one at home in high school, who now need to go to therapy. They actually requested it. I think I may head there as well.

I have moved into the guest room and really haven't talked to her at all. Last night she fought with my daughter and I came out to stop them... bad idea. The wife was the nastiest I have ever seen her. Scared me a little.

So she comes home today and pretty much acts like everything is fine. So weird. I know she's hurting too, but to be honest I don't care anymore.

Just knowing that someone will read this story is enough for me. Writing it down has helped a lot. Maybe I'll start a journal.

Off for some beers. I deserve it and it's Friday night.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8763719
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justanotherperson ( new member #82218) posted at 11:53 PM on Friday, November 4th, 2022

I have moved into the guest room and really haven't talked to her at all. Last night she fought with my daughter and I came out to stop them... bad idea. The wife was the nastiest I have ever seen her. Scared me a little.

Is the house you share payed by both on equal parts? if it is the majority on you I would not be going to another room. Let her do that. It was her that did the damage.

Also, she is being agressive? Show her agressiveness back. Not to the point of being physically agressive. What I mean by this is for you to stand your ground. To make a point that you need respect. And that you will not let yourself be mistreated.

I know she's hurting too, but to be honest I don't care anymore.

The hell with her feelings at this point. Did she worry about your feelings when she lied to you all that time and when she was getting it from her new boyfriend on your back? The hell with her.

Think about YOU. Make a point. Get angry. If she somehow begins to seem apologetic then go through the motions:

Complete written time line; full access to her electronics; STD testing, no intimacy/sex until you figure out what you need to do going forward.

Whatever you do, DO NO let her push you, nor do you rugsweep the issues at all.

You will be ok. All the best.

P.S:

Just knowing that someone will read this story is enough for me. Writing it down has helped a lot. Maybe I'll start a journal.

A great idea. It does help with conveying our feelings for sure. Definitely do it if you fell like it. Also, eat the best you can, sleep the best you can, exercise/go for long walks, drink plenty of water. Take CARE of YOU.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 5:58 AM, Saturday, November 5th]

"It can't rain all the time."

posts: 50   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: O´Porto
id 8763721
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swmnbc ( member #49344) posted at 12:30 AM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

Welcome, we're glad we can be here for you though not glad for the reason you are here, of course.

What a sh*t sandwich. I'm so sorry you've been served that. What a cliche to have an affair with the old boyfriend.

Heading to therapy and journaling are two very smart moves. Also make sure you are reaching out to a trusted friend or two for some in person support. Get tested for STDs and make an appointment with a lawyer to see what separation and divorce look like for you.

I'm sorry she's being nasty to your youngest. It shows just how low's she sunk, huh? Definitely get that kid some counseling to help them deal with this sh*t sandwich that she's even willing to feed her own child.

I don't agree with the advice to up your aggression. What is the point of engaging with someone who is so clearly off in la la land? I would speak to her only when necessary about logistics. Moving to the guest room is a smart move, especially since if you were still in the master you'd have her coming in constantly to get things. This way you can claim this space as your own sanctuary.

Read the articles here and prepare to step back and watch her actions. Don't rush to reconcile . . . if she's blaming you then she's a long way from being a candidate for reconciliation. But you don't need to rush to divorce if you're not ready for that either. Take time to get your bearings and your support system in place. We'll be here for you each step of the way.

posts: 1822   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2015
id 8763724
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 1:22 AM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

So sorry you find yourself here. Your WW’s infidelity has caused immense pain for your entire family. Read in the healing library. Take care of you. You need to be healthy to focus on your own healing and to help your children. Definitely get counseling for yourself and the children. Get tested for STD’s and see an attorney to learn your rights.

Your WW’s A with an old boyfriend is a fairly common occurrence, but nonetheless devastating for you and your family. Accept no blame for her cheating. You can’t control her or force her to violate her own morals. She cheated because she wanted to do it. Period. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M, caused her to cheat. She blames you because she can’t face her own guilt and shame.

Do not rugsweep her A. Take your time to get your bearings. You can not R with an unremorseful spouse. If she is still carrying on the A, implement the 180 to give you mental space to think. Watch her actions and not her words. If she is unwilling to do the work to regain your trust and face her own shortcomings, you have little to work with. Her cheating is obviously hard on your children.

The goal is for you and your children to get out of infidelity. Be firm. Do not be bullied.

Always value yourself. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3353   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8763728
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:51 AM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

I’m sorry you are here. Sorry for your kids too.

You have now seen how an affair completely changed the cheater. My CH (cheating Husband) also blamed me for his affair and became unrecognizable.

Typical cheater behavior btw.

I think you should get counseling too. It will help to have someone to support you and keep you from losing your mind.

Be prepared for the roller coaster ride. Emotional ups and downs. Utter horse crap coming from the cheater. Everything is your fault. You did (or did not do) XYZ (fill in the blanks).

Just know she didn’t cheat because you are too old or too thin or a bad cook or you snore. It’s not your age or weight or looks or career or money or hobbies etc.

Cheaters choose to cheat because they want to cheat. Period. Everything else is a justification or an excuse.

If she was unhappy she could have done many other things other than cheat. Therapy. Couples counseling. Talked to you about it. But she chose a selfish path to make hesrjf happy without thinking of the damage she was inflicting on you and your children.

Keep posting here. You will get great advice and support.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12781   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8763729
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oldtruck ( member #62540) posted at 2:51 AM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

the way to end an affair is to expose the affair.

you need to expose the PA to the OM wife/GF, WW parents and siblings for starters.

posts: 1400   ·   registered: Feb. 2nd, 2018
id 8763737
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 3:57 AM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

Wow. Nothing really new to share, but what a welcome. Thanks for all the advice and support, really means a lot at a time like this.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8763744
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 4:55 AM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

Wow, there went 26 years. Doesn’t that just blow your f..ing mind. My ExWW flushed 25, what seemed to everyone in our family, great years. Just like that. No warning. No signs of trouble on the horizon.

You’re going to ruminate on that for a while now. You’re going to be spending many nights staring at the ceiling wondering WTF?

I’m sorry for you. We all here are truly sorry for you because we know exactly how it feels. Don’t expect this level of sympathy from the uninitiated.

I’m going to second the advice to not match aggressiveness with aggressiveness, although I get what Justanotherperson is trying to say. He’s advising to not roll over, don’t be a pushover, don’t be intimidated or manipulated. Stand your ground and protect your dignity.

What we usually advise here when the BS is faced with aggression or disrespect is, The 180. Read up on this tactic in the healing library. It’s very safe and effective and, more importantly, protects your position on the moral high ground and your dignity. Don’t be baited into aggression escalation. That could buy you a nice false or exaggerated DV charge; jeopardizes how others see you, adds toxicity to your home environment and sets you up for nice expensive acrimonious divorce.

Stay off her crazy train with The 180.

Be aggressive, be aggressively decisive. Aggressively define and maintain boundaries. Find you an aggressive shark attorney. Aggressively get yourself out of infidelity.

Don’t tell your wife where to sleep in her house. You have no control over her. You do have 100% control over you. Exercise that control, aggressively. You get it. "Off for some beers, it’s Friday night." Hell yeah!

Presently, your WW is absolutely not reconcile material. So, what to do? Don’t sit around waiting for her to come around. Start planning your exit strategy now. Consult an attorney and start separating your life and your half of the finances from hers. Distance yourself emotionally and physically as best you can, but do not leave your home. Sometimes this will snap a WS out their affair fog. If she’s not re-committing to the marriage and its boundaries somewhere along your course towards divorce, you really have nothing to work with and your course is set.

If reconciliation becomes a possibility, SHE will have to make it so. Not you. That’s her job. Only she can request reconciliation. She can’t be enticed or dragged into it. She has to enthusiastically initiate the request with a compelling proposition.

Take Care and good luck

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:10 AM, Saturday, November 5th]

posts: 990   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8763748
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justanotherperson ( new member #82218) posted at 6:03 AM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

Some members mencioned what I comented about being agressive. Sorry if I passed the wrong idea. Just to clarify - and as RealityBlows said above - I meant for you to stand your ground. To make a point that you need respect. And that you will not let yourself be mistreated. Get angry. Realise she has been really mistreating you, disrespecting you and don't let her use you or lower you to a lesser person than you are.

You deserve better than that. Start implementing the actions needed for her to understand exactly that. That way you are protecting yourself from further hurt.

And this way you are also starting to make a point that may led to you showing her - black and white - you are willing to loose the marriage if she does not undertand the hurt she brought upon you and if she is not willing to change.

You will be ok.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 6:18 AM, Saturday, November 5th]

"It can't rain all the time."

posts: 50   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: O´Porto
id 8763756
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 7:42 AM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

You're in the right place.

It's like an emergency room for the spirit.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2497   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8763763
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Jimi007 ( new member #81198) posted at 7:47 AM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

RoverGuy.. You said they met up

Did she admit to sleeping with him ?

What exactly did she admit to ?

Sorry your here

posts: 6   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2022   ·   location: New Jersey
id 8763764
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:44 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

If your wife won’t be honest then you have very little to work with.

Marriage counseling is a waste of time as you cannot work with a liar. You cannot reconcile if she’s going to lie or give you the truth in dribs and drabs.

Read up on the 180. It’s not meant to stop the affair but it’s designed to set boundaries and protect you. I did the hard 180 on my H at dday2 of Affair2.

It’s been 9 years and I still don’t do his laundry. I don’t do his errands unless I want to. I decided to go back to a simpler life and I don’t worry about his stuff. That’s on him to manage. Makes my life a whole lot simpler lol.

Stop catering to your wife. Let her stand on her own two feet. Got everything. Including $.

She cannot lie and cheat and then expect you to support her and cater to her. Nope! She needs a reality check if that is her expectation.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12781   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8763773
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:15 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

She has placed you, and your child in an abusive situation. Emotionally and verbally abusing the child,means you need to move fast.

Read the 180.

See an attorney,and file for exclusive use of the marital home,and physical custody of the child.

Get tested for stds.

Expose the affair to the other man's wife.

Take care of yourself, and your child.

She's hurting? She's hurting because she wants to be with OM,and you and your child,and his wife are in her way. Fuck her feelings.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:19 PM, Saturday, November 5th]

posts: 4848   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8763776
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 1:27 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

I’m sorry you had to find us, I agree with Hellfire, she is hurting because you spoiled her new relationship. She is sorry she got caught.

She has thrown away 26 years, put your health at risk. Find your anger, don’t let her jerk you around one more minute.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1989   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8763781
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 2:58 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

Thank you, all.

I did end up texting the OM wife. Don't think I will get a response, but felt she had a right to know.

Wife was supposed to work this morning, but she is still here. Must have called out. I hope it's because she is in tremendous pain and reality is setting in. I know that's really bad Karma, but screw that. I need to stay angry.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8763792
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 3:39 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

Yes. Stay angry--especially since she is in no way remorseful.

Seems like she went down a path she chose with that old flame and now, instead if allowing herself to feel the guilt that's knocking at her door, she's avoiding it through justification (rewriting marital history and blameshifting to make it your "fault") and through "righteous indignation" that anyone should judge her harshly for her selfish and destructive choices.

Ya, sadly, anger and blaming others is easier than owning our own bad choices.

She's failing here on so many levels... failing you, her kids, and also herself.

You look out for you and those kids right now.

Stay strong and do aggressive self care!
This community supports you!

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?No, I ain't happy yet.But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrsBoth in IC & MCMarried 31 yrs now2 kids-both in HSAttempting R

posts: 286   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8763798
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 4:13 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

I've been taking advice from the 180 method. Basically, I am keeping my distance right now because she is still in the fog. Nothing good will come from any conversation.

When we have to talk, I am cordial. She sends to be cordial now too, but still no remorse and hasn't broached the issue.

I am being patient with the situation, but I will stay angry and strong.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8763805
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 4:21 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

45 yrs. thrown out for his old H.S. girlfriend he saw at his 50th reunion. Yes, it's been an unbelievable journey and I get your pain and heartache. The beauty of this website is we all understand the hit to the gut, the shellshock, the absolute emptying of our souls. I'm just so sorry you've had a reason to join our club.

From what you wrote, I'm wondering if the AP decided she's not what he was expecting or not worth the risk to his own marriage? Or perhaps she got emotionally invested and he didn't? Trying to figure out her anger because is she was having a great time with him, she'd be floating on Cloud 9. At any rate, she did this and how she wishes to handle the fallout is on her. In the meantime, watch her actions (ignore her words because it's a known, irrefutable fact that cheaters lie) and you do whatever you need to do to get your mind and heart to work together again.

As for your kids, if she does that to your child again, you'd be well within your rights to demand that she move out. You're an adult and can understand the science of what's going on in her brain that's causing her to behave so ugly but your child probably isn't able to and will be hurt by Mom's sudden change and will internalize the pain and possibly even end up blaming themselves for what's happening. If she's going to continue to be ugly, she should remove herself out of concern for her kids.

If you decide to do the 180 (you can read all about it in the links in the healing library), bring your children along with you. Have your meals together (minus Mom), do yours and their laundry together, do their school activities alone with them, etc. Do not do anything as a family. Nothing. If Mom invites them to do something with her, let them decide if they want to and if they do, don't join in. If you're in a room and she comes in and tries to join in, leave. Putting that separation between you and your WW will allow you space to begin healing from the trauma and the space to begin to consider how you want this to turn out - not engaging with her prevents your feelings for her from gumming up your emotions.

And remember this because it's the most important thing: No matter what kind of husband you were, nothing, not one thing, ever justifies cheating. I think someone else already said it but if she was unhappy, she had choices. There were lots of choices but instead of making one of those choices, she decided to blow up her marriage and destroy her family just for fun.

I'm angry for you.

BW, was 67; now 73; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. D July, 2017

posts: 3161   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8763806
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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 5:27 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

Contact the other spouse again by different means. Light more fires like contacting their grown kids. This POS may be doing this for a hobby
Looks like you do not want to divorce. The reasons are all yours. But without any repercussions and she is blaming you and having no emotions, nothing will change. Act like you are going to make major changes like going to divorce to make her honest

posts: 803   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8763811
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 6:11 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

Don't think I haven't thought about contacting this pos. I actually did when I first found out but he wouldn't answer the phone or return my texts. So I went to his wife this morning instead. Still no response. But whatever.

I am actually leaning towards divorce. But in NC you have to separate for a year. Right now she won't leave the house... says it's her house and I have to leave.

So I need to get a good lawyer and have a discussion about my options. Because she is the WS, I have a lot of options.

Until I feel she is remorseful, we are not going to have a conversation. If she isn't remorseful by the time I hire a lawyer and get the ball rolling on options, I think my decision has been made for me. That could take months, though. But I am not leaving the home I have been paying for for 20 years.

It's been 3 days since I found out. The first was the honestly the worst day of my life. But with the amount of support out there, including this site, I feel better everyday. I know there will be bad days, but I am working on techniques to make it easier.

Not sure how long it takes for remorse, or reality, to kick in for the WS, but I plan to keep doing what I'm doing until I see it or she is out.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8763813
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