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Newest Member: Stillconfused2022

Just Found Out :
Well, here I am.

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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 4:06 PM on Thursday, November 10th, 2022

Finished the 2nd consult. A little different from the first, but mostly in approach. Both agree I have a very strong case to block alimony. One recommended I take some time and make sure I am making the right decisions, the other is more aggressive and wants to send a strong message now. They also differ in approach to negotiation. One is for using whatever we have to negotiate, the other said I have enough and it would be a waste of money to try alienation of affection. Both agreed that I can sue and subpoena them if needed.

One more consult tomorrow and then I need to make a decision.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764449
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:23 PM on Thursday, November 10th, 2022

Have you decided that you're definitely going to divorce? It's only been a little over a week since your dday, and while I would agree that some people just know when they know, I don't agree with using divorce as a tactic or gambit to try and influence a change in your WS. The process in itself can create additional damage.

If you're sure of your course, I'd get the third consultation and then go with whoever has the most realistic business approach. If you read in the Separation/Divorce forum, what you'll find is that divorce is a business transaction, and yeah.. LOTS of emotional stuff to deal with, but at the bottom line there's a bottom line. You want a go-getter, but you also want a cool head.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6167   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8764450
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 4:31 PM on Thursday, November 10th, 2022

Have you decided that you're definitely going to divorce? It's only been a little over a week since your dday, and while I would agree that some people just know when they know, I don't agree with using divorce as a tactic or gambit to try and influence a change in your WS. The process in itself can create additional damage.

This is a great question. Honest answer, I don't know. It's only been a week since Dday. The best way to explain it is that
I need to move forward. I only have 2 options, R and D. Right now, it is way too early for R, I know that and she knows that. The lawyer I spoke with today said if my WW called him for a consult, he would tell her to push for R because she has no case. So the only option I have is to move forward with my other path, which is D. I guess there is a third option, which is do nothing.

I don't want to make hasty decisions because it will be an emotional decision that I may regret. On the other hand, I can't just sit around and do nothing. It's a gnarly situation.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764452
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CrapMan ( new member #80450) posted at 4:56 PM on Thursday, November 10th, 2022

RG,

In IMHO, you have only 1 option - D. I absolutely couldn't stay married to someone like your wife.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2022
id 8764459
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:59 PM on Thursday, November 10th, 2022

Based on what you posted you don't even have the basics for R now, so your only logical option is to start the D process, it takes a long time, you can always stop it if she comes around and SHOWS you with her actions (not just words) that she's willing to do the heavy lifting to help restore the M she destroyed, if that happens (that's a big IF) by that time it may be too late for you and that's ok too, just as she does, you don't need her permission to D and cheaters are NEVER owed even a second chance, it's always up to the BS.

Listen she's already contacted an attorney, and just like the one you consulted last, she might have been told that her case doesn't look good as far as alimony is concerned, she may be trying to fake an R attempt "marriage counseling", in order to establish that the A is forgiven and not a factor against her, so that whenever she decides to D maybe a year or a few months from now, that she's entitled to full alimony which may cost you thousands of dollars more for years, and after what she's done I wouldn't risk it, heck if at some point she comes around and proves with her actions that she is serious enough, you then may tell her you'd consider dating her again after the D ink is dry (we've seen cases like that too here on SI but those cases are rare).

[This message edited by Buster123 at 5:02 PM, Thursday, November 10th]

posts: 2691   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8764462
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Legatus ( member #79152) posted at 5:47 PM on Thursday, November 10th, 2022

It seems like you are doing a good job taking care of yourself. That HGH therapy isn’t cheap. I read that it can cost up to $5000 a month. I would get it on the record that you didn’t and don’t agree to that expenditure. Perhaps ask the attorney if the cost could go against any final settlement to her. The way you described things, she seems to have no problem spending money.

posts: 108   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8764467
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 6:24 PM on Thursday, November 10th, 2022

The only way I would consider R is with a postnup where alimony is waived if we divorce for any reason.

The HGH was actually Botox. Still, makes no difference.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764475
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LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 6:54 PM on Thursday, November 10th, 2022

You seem to be remarkably level headed at this early stage. Good for you.
While I personally never saw (R) as an option in my former marriage, and the sham marriage I had for a couple months was NOT R at all, sometimes I do see R as possible, but I don't see it here. She's not even close to being R worthy yet.
I get the impression you'll do fine, no matter what you choose regardless of the fact that neither is an easy option.

posts: 83   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8764483
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 7:42 PM on Thursday, November 10th, 2022

You should have a VAR on you for protection from your WW, knowing she is in a poor position legally. I would also put a video recorder in your room and open areas of the house you share since you'll be there stuck together for now so that she cant make a false claim against you.

Lastly, so what if your wife is saying shes open to MC, its her mess, she needs counseling. Don't let her fallout with the AP make you the unwitting fall back plan B. B/C right now, you're plan B. Had the AP gone on to propose to her, she'd probably be gone. So she is settling b/c she has a weak case in D, screw that shit. YOu should get the best settlement you can while you have the upper hand, and if she is worthy and its a long stretch, you can still stay with her after you get the best D you possibly can. Nothing says you can't stay together after, but at the very least you have protected yourself, your assets and your children. Stay on course, you are doing great.

posts: 1377   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8764489
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 4:08 AM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

Well, I just asked her if she was planning on moving out. She said I guess I have to if I can't stay here. She asked about R and if I was open to it, I said I would, but neither of us are ready. She said she is heartbroken for what she did to this family, but she won't grovel for what she did. She said she knows she should come into my room and talk to me, but she just can't bring herself to do it. She just doesn't feel it.

I said "ok" and left.

[This message edited by RoverGuy at 4:09 AM, Friday, November 11th]

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764586
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LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 4:14 AM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

I guess that says a lot.

posts: 83   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8764589
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 4:34 AM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

I guess that says a lot.

It certainly does. My path is clear.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764593
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:57 AM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

She has no remorse.

Not a good sign unfortunately.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12780   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8764600
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 1:51 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

She has no remorse.

Not a good sign unfortunately.

Not at all. But honestly, I slept better last night than I have since Dday. I think knowing that I only have one course of action and R is not an option will help me focus.

Absolutely no remorse. I asked her if they stopped communicating because of him or she did it. She said "What does it matter?" So it was him. He cut and ran when I found out.

On one level I kinda feel bad because this isn't going to go well for her. My priority in D is no alimony and I have a strong case because of the affair. There is no way she can survive on her business income, so she will probably need to sell her business. This is where I will need to be careful of false R. Going forward, I will have to be firm with her that I DO NOT WANT TO RECONCILE and continue the path of D. There is no way I will R without a post-nup, and she will never go for that.

So I guess this is when I move the convo over to the Divorce/Separation forum?

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764649
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Legatus ( member #79152) posted at 3:20 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

I think it’s pretty common for the person having the affair to sell themselves on how well things will work out for them if they ever get caught. My wife pretty much formed her expectations of how a divorce would play out based on tv shows and movies. Those outlets tend to romanticize affairs and divorce. She thought I was going to go live in a shack, continue to help her with her small business, and we would be friends still. Um no. Cheaters are all about having their cake and eating it to. That’s what I think she will do next. Try to false reconcile with you without feeling remorse so she can still avail herself of the comforts you have to offer. Especially if the guy is really ghosting her. That’s my guess at least.

My story was a long messy story and we are currently working through reconciliation. A post nup was high on the list for me to even consider R. She had to agree to everything on my list without any negotiation. Really, things didn’t get better for us until she went to individual counseling and started to see how toxic the affair partner was and how he all he really cares about was getting laid. I wish I had been as steadfast with the 180 as you are being now. Regardless of the eventual outcome I think it’s going to help your sanity. I agree with camomile tea in regards to not using D as a way to control or get her to R. Just take care of yourself.

posts: 108   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8764722
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 4:00 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

At best, your WW wants to consider R because she was kicked to the curb by her AP and now has you as her backup plan B. The other reason she would consider R is for practical, financial, and logistical reasons.

Thus, under no circumstances IMO should you consider R at this point. She doesn’t want you or your M. She simply wants to make life easier for herself. Do you want to be married to this in 5, 10, 15 years? Is it love snd devotion or just expediency on her end? Any affection she would show you would be fake in order to maintain her status quo in the M.

Can this change if she goes to IC? Perhaps, but my gut tells me not likely. Then, you’re both stuck living in the same house and you would start at ground zero to D since you haven’t physically separated for a year.

If I were you, if YOU really want R, I would require your WW to move out immediately, write a complete timeline verified by a poly, go to intense IC, agree to all of your boundaries and conditions for R, and sign a post nup.

If she balks at any of this, I would continue to move towards D. You could always pull that back later if she expresses remorse, etc. Do no give your WW any leeway to negotiate your conditions to consider R. Why should I move out snd not you, she might say? Because you’re the one who cheated, for example.

Right now she is flashing not a candidate for R signals. Only if you still love her, and you want to continue this M, should you consider R. I’m concerned that you are considering her feelings, snd level of discomfort as part of this process of you figuring out what YOU want. My friend, this has nothing to do with what WW wants, only what you want.

posts: 565   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8764764
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 5:20 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

So sorry you're going through infidelity. It's the absolute worst.

You can stay in JFO and still get support. You don't have to go to the D/S forum until you feel ready to move.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1488   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8764792
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 8:04 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

There is no way I will R without a post-nup, and she will never go for that.

If it ever comes to that, be careful with offering a post-nup without first talking to your attorney, in many states post-nups are not enforced by many judges, in your situation if she eventually comes around and at that time you want to try R, I would finish the D process and demote her to live-in "girlfriend" and never marry her again just to make sure your assets remain fully protected.

posts: 2691   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8764814
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 9:28 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

My story was a long messy story and we are currently working through reconciliation. A post nup was high on the list for me to even consider R

Glad you are working towards R, Legatus. Were you able to get a post-nup? Where I live, a post-nup is only valid if we are already legally separated.

I swear this state does NOT want anyone o get divorced.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764826
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 9:30 PM on Friday, November 11th, 2022

If I were you, if YOU really want R, I would require your WW to move out immediately, write a complete timeline verified by a poly, go to intense IC, agree to all of your boundaries and conditions for R, and sign a post nup.

Dude. Quite right.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764827
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