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Newest Member: Beschaedigt

Just Found Out :
Well, here I am.

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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:35 AM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

Trout and Rover, it's all BS. Of course it's not true...only a lousy lie to make them feel their actions are justified to their confused brains.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2497   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8763876
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notsureyet ( new member #62363) posted at 2:58 AM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

You might consider suing your wife’s affair partner for Alienation of Affection. The threat of doing so may at least be thought provoking for him, and your wife.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Southeast
id 8763878
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 3:30 PM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

Latest update.

Nothing. We are both not talking to each other.

This is typical of her though. She shuts down when confronted with anything uncomfortable. She had always been like that and that's part of the reason this hurts so bad. It's hard for me try and outlast her. I almost always initiate conversation first after an argument, or we just fall back into everyday.

But this time is different. I have to stay strong to the Grey Rock/180 and work on myself.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8763933
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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 4:08 PM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

Of course it is difficult for you and not the wayward. So is she saying she was in the marriage b's the POS was in contact with her. If so the affair is much longer than what it seems and she was ready for this outcome and narcissistically acting to get all what she needed. Shutting down etc. and she is a manipulator and may not have that much regard for your wellbeing.
Past is gone and all you can do now is to safeguard your financial and other interests. From what it seems she will go hard to grab everything. Looks like she is not affected at all and going about doing her things even better. Let the family and friends know about her selfishness, deceits and designs

posts: 803   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8763936
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 5:40 PM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

She seems to be ready to walk and this has all the marki gs of an exit affair.
Rewriting marital history, blaming you, having an attorney, knowing she shouldn't leave the house. She's getting info from somewhere. May be an attorney may be a friend. But know this she is ready to fight.
Be ready to protect yourself and your kids. Do not have a condo with her without a recorder. Women in this situation that are cantankerous from the jump have been known to do things like make false domestic violence claims to get the man out of the house. Or to get better treatment from a judge.
Protect yourself. Don't say she would never. Prepare for the worst. Hope for the best. Life will happen somewhere in the middle if you use your head. Don't allow emotions or heart to guide you. Easier said than done.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19605   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8763946
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josiep ( member #58593) posted at 6:47 PM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

You've gotten a lot of very helpful advice (actually, what we do should be called guidance and even if we don't express it as such, we all recognize we live in different places and have different life circumstances, financial situations, etc.so we toss the ideas out to you and let you be the editor of which ones resonate with you).

I'm sure you're starting a list but be sure to ask the attorney if you can force her out of the home on the basis of the infidelity and on the basis that your daughter is a senior in H.S. and wants to stay in her same school and her same house. And since she will be staying with you, it only makes sense for the cheater to move out. And if she still refuses, maybe try to find a sublease for a furnished home in the same school district and you and your daughter move into it.

Can you sue her Affair Partner for alienation of affection now? And if you talk to his BW again, maybe she would consider suing your wife (although I admit I have no idea how that might affect you so ask your attorney first). Remove the cheaters ability to paint you guys in a bad light.

The advice about the Variable Voice recorder is very important. I agree with the others that she is getting advice from somewhere so make sure your atty knows that and will act decisively and soon.

If you have any collectibles, consider moving them to a safe location. Family photos. And put any proof of their affair in a safe deposit box or at your attorney's office with copies backed up on the Cloud.

(I know nothing about the following so I might be out in left field but ask lawyer anyway:
1. In some jurisdictions, the cheater must repay the betrayed spouse for all joint assets money spent on the affair. It might not add up to much but it's the principle of the thing and helps prevent her from making you out to be the bad guy.

2. Since you're on the loan for her business, do you have any say in how any of it is run? Or how much she charges for services? Or how she spends the profits? Or even the day to day operations like serving bottled water to the clients, etc. Anything you can do to start cutting expenses will be a financial benefit as well as making sure she feels the consequences of her actions.

3. Since you pay all the household expenses, now might be a good time to reduce them. Spend less on groceries, eating out, electricity, etc. Give up some features on cable tv or streaming, move to a lower cell phone plan, etc. It will require you to have only your name on the accounts but you can probably do that. And maybe change the address on the accounts to your workplace or to a P.O. Box so she doesn't have access to them anymore.

Also ask the attorney if you should cancel all the joint credit cards. Make it so she has to use the cash you give her for groceries if she's going to be the one who does the shopping. Etc.

In closing, I'm not saying the marriage is irrevocably broken. You can do all of the above and still end up reconciling. But I am of the very strong opinion that taking back your power is the best first step. Your strength and resolve to be treated in a respectful manner will go a long way toward sending her the message that you were not and never will be a doormat.

Best wishes and keep us posted.

BW, was 67; now 73; M 45 yrs., T 49 yrs.
DDay#1, 1982; DDay#2, May, 2017. D July, 2017

posts: 3161   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2017
id 8763959
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 7:09 PM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

I would like to clarify one point you made.

Right now no one is speaking. Good!!

But your point that she shuts down when confronted about with the truth etc. I call bullshit.

She does not "shut down". She manipulated you into doing what she wants no matter how she needs to make it happen. If threats don’t work try the silent treatment or cold shoulder. If that doesn’t dork withhold sex. If that doesn’t work cry. If that doesn’t work rage at the person standing in her way.

Please see it for what it is.

My H used to wheedle just way for things he wanted. Until the year of his affair. I finally said no and meant it. Two hours into a "discussion" where I refused to give in to him (because he would have been hours late for an important event) and I wasn’t go to tolerate it — he saw me in a different light.

A few months ago I told my H if he EVER did not live up to his word to me again I was leaving him. Yup - I stood my ground. He agreed to something and when the time came he did not honor his commitment or his word to me. It was two weeks of hell for him — but he knows he had better not try to manipulate me or go against an agreement we make ever again.

I’m suggesting you stand your ground. Talk to her but not about anything more than the weather and superficial crap. Start changing her idea that she will get her way by being a manipulative person.

It (manipulation) no longer works for her. Good for you.

She’s not your friend. She’s not your wife. She’s someone you once lived and trusted but sadly that person is gone.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:48 AM, Monday, November 7th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12781   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8763963
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 11:51 PM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

Rover -

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through.

We are both not talking to each other. This is typical of her though. She shuts down when confronted with anything uncomfortable. She had always been like that and that's part of the reason this hurts so bad.

As 1stWife already said, this is deliberate. The silent treatment is a manipulative tactic and based on the bolded, your wife has been manipulating & emotionally abusing you from inception.

It's hard for me try and outlast her. I almost always initiate conversation first after an argument, or we just fall back into everyday.

ALL of everything you wrote here is the entire goal of the silent treatment. It’s designed to gaslight you into thing, "hey maybe I was wrong …" or in cases where you absolutely know you’re not wrong, you’re still willing to acquiesce just to get the silence to stop. The silent treatment is so effective, I have read women who have been severely abused say, if given the choice, they preferred being hit by their partner, over when their partner gave them the silent treatment. You’re wife is a very skilled manipulator.

Stick to the 180. Tomorrow reach out to more attorneys. Set up therapy. And I suggest you call OBS again to confirm she actually got your messages & your wife isn’t playing you, and to compare notes as OBS may be able to get more out of her husband than you can your wife.

posts: 282   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021
id 8764000
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 12:14 AM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

Stick to the 180. Tomorrow reach out to more attorneys. Set up therapy. And I suggest you call OBS again to confirm she actually got your messages & your wife isn’t playing you, and to compare notes as OBS may be able to get more out of her husband than you can your wife.

Oh, I am sticking to it! I have a consult with a men-only attorney who have a good reputation on Tuesday. Good point on whether the OBS actually got the message.

Today was a weird day. Still doing the the 180, but almost no conversation. WW is pretty much staying in the bedroom with the door wide open. She went to the grocery store this morning and bought me jelly donuts, my favorite. I am not touching them. I know she bought them for me because everyone else hates them.

She also made dinner for us tonight. Not touching that either.

Today was the day we had to put my daughter's cat to sleep. WW asked if she could come and my daughter asked me before responding to her. At first I said no, that she can go with WW if she wants, but she wanted both of us there. So I caved, only because it was my daughter and I knew it would be traumatic. BUT, my daughter told her she needed to drive separately. Love that girl.

WW tried some convo, but I kept answers short and did not look at her once. Daughter and I spent a few hours in her room just talking about stuff (not this BS). If there is a silver lining, it's that I have never felt closer to my daughter than I do now. I know it has to be driving the WW crazy, but I don't care. Today and every day will be about ME and hat makes ME happy.

I talked to a friend of mine about this the other day. He texted me today and said "I'm picking you up in 45 minutes and we are going to Wild Wings to drink beer and watch football". I haven't really eaten since Thursday, but I went, had beer and chips. It is great to have friends like that.

[This message edited by RoverGuy at 12:16 AM, Monday, November 7th]

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764003
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 1:05 AM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

Hi OP.

When you talk to your attorney, get their advice on how to protect yourself from your wife making false DV charges against you to get you out of the house.

Happens sometimes when the cheating wife and the betrayed husband have an uneasy truce sharing the home.

posts: 512   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8764015
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 1:25 AM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

get their advice on how to protect yourself from your wife making false DV charges

Yes, I will. There has been many who said the same. Great thing is we are almost never alone without my Daughter at home. If we are, I leave.

But today, geez. I swear she thinks this is just like any other fight we have had and I'll get over it. WTF...buying me donuts and making dinner?

I think she has been lying through her teeth about talking to a lawyer and almost everything else just to get me talking. Too bad. Attorney meeting on Tuesday...done with this shit and still no remorse from her.

I had to come back and edit this post. She came into my room and said "I am really sorry for the pain that I have caused you and the pain I have caused this family. " I said "ok" and she left. WTF am I supposed to do with that??

[This message edited by RoverGuy at 2:15 AM, Monday, November 7th]

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764018
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 2:25 AM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

I am really sorry for the pain that I have caused you and the pain I have caused this family.

The beauty of this site is that members get to benefit from the highly tuned BS meters of those that have gone before them. Notice how detached what she said was? She is sorry for the pain but but not her actions... There is a definite disconnect here. It's like one of those lawyer apologies. Check the box but admit no wrongdoing.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 2:27 AM, Monday, November 7th]

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1359   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8764022
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 2:49 AM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

You are doing well so far. One thing to watch out for is when POSOM dumps your WW to try to save his M. She will try to boomerang back to you, she is a very skilled manipulator, don’t fall for it.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1989   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8764024
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 2:51 AM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

I am really sorry for the pain that I have caused you and the pain I have caused this family. I said "ok" and she left. WTF am I supposed to do with that?


Might have been a good time to say:
"How about you make the divorce as painless as possible".

posts: 512   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8764025
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 4:37 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

I called the wife of the OM and she said she is actually his EX wife. I asked if he were currently married and she wouldn't say.

So what my wife said about destroying 2 families was another lie.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764095
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 5:02 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

Roverguy

Sometimes the best strategy is to believe what they say – even when we have our doubts.

This is what I suggest you do:
Tell your wife that you have good news. The OM wife is his ex-wife and/or they are divorcing, so she is totally free to go date him and be with him. If she has a failing business or isn’t working, then even suggest she leave to go be with him. Tell her she’s not wrecking two families but only this marriage.

Tell her it‘s not necessarily what you want or how you envisioned the future, but it beats sharing your wife. You KNOW you can find happiness again, but not while she’s having an affair. Therefore in all but formality and name the marriage is over.

Tell her the truth: In your state there is a process for divorce, and no matter how much either of you huff and puff the process will be about as fair as it can be – all things considered. Suggest she talk to her attorney about it because it’s clear that you have no interest in cohabiting longer than necessary.
Point out that once she get’s her place, or you get your place or the family home is sold so you can both start afresh she can have her BF over for as long as she wants. Right now it would be in extremely bad taste to have him while you and your daughter still share the same residence as she does.

Tell her that there isn’t really any need to argue. You two definitely won’t be friends, but there has got to be a way for you two to cohabit until you resolve future living arrangements. Suggest that you each see to your own meals, laundry, and such and that neither should have any expectation of joint time together, as a couple or as a family.

If she starts arguing, then shut it off. It’s either a relationship or personal argument:
"You didn’t show me any attention so when he did…." Or "I have been unhappy for years and you…" or whatever
The stock reply is "I am sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage this would be something we could address in MC, but since you are committed to your infidelity there isn’t really any need to go there".

The other sort of argument is divorce related:
"I want the house and the cars and the RV and the golf-set and the…"
ALL divorce arguments:
"I am too emotionally attached to this marriage to decide anything in divorce. There are processes and laws in place that deal with this, and I have asked Mr. I. Eat Sharks – my attorney – to handle my issues"

And then you go make a sandwich or watch TV.


Remove the conflict. Not by surrendering or being weak, but by not participating in non-negotiable.

If your wife were to ask for another chance or show remorse… Things can change. But as is she’s offering you ongoing infidelity and a bad divorce.


Finally – be clear to others why you are divorcing. Mention OM by name and call it an affair. Some will argue that exposing makes reconciling harder, but right now exposing might be what makes reconciliation an option. If that were what you wanted.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11130   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8764100
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 5:16 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

Thanks for that response, Bigger.

I'm not too worried about the OM coming over, he lives 10 hours away.

This relationship has been online since February, then they met up in his town in October. Our family had a wedding to attend in his town (where we are all originally from) and my WW went early to spend a few days alone.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764105
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 5:20 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

Excellent advice from Bigger. Read and read it. I just want to add that there have been others here from your state or states with similar D requirements. We have witnessed both BH and BW who use the one year period in many positive ways to heal and move on with their life. Don’t look at the one year period as some type of limbo or purgatory. It is an opportunity for you to work on healing from the trauma dropped on your life, and figure out what your future looks like. You are about to be an empty nester if your dd moves out to go to school or begin a career. Your future is wide open to pursue your interests, get out and make new friends, and heal. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3353   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8764106
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 5:23 PM on Monday, November 7th, 2022

Nah – it’s not as much about whether he comes over or not.
Its more about sending the message that she can do whatever she wants once you fire her as your wife.
I know it might sound drastic, but thing about it logically:
Your wife is having an affair and she hasn’t stopped it. You even confirmed that they are still communicating.
Your wife has told you she’s contacted an attorney so we can logically deduct she plans to divorce.

Neither of the above is screaming "this marriage will survive".
In order for it to survive the one basic requirement is the affair is over.
Once that’s in place maybe other factors can line up. Only that basic requirement is not in place.

Since the conditions required to save the marriage are not in place = the marriage is over in all but formality.

Look – chances are the home is joint equity and there are laws that guarantee people certain rights within their legal abode irrespective of ownership. Once you file and if you two have separate bedrooms there is really no law that prevents either of you having people over. It would definitely be provocative and in extreme bad taste, but if she wanted she could have OM for the weekend once you two have formalized the termination process for the marriage.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11130   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8764108
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 12:11 PM on Tuesday, November 8th, 2022

Update: She met with a lawyer yesterday. Found out she has been getting HGH therapy. She is so afraid of aging.

I meet with a lawyer today. I think I just want out of this mess. She is a different person.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8764179
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