Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Stillconfused2022

Just Found Out :
Well, here I am.

default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 10:49 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

Send a letter to OBS's house that requires her signature.

Call her.

Contact her parents.

Do NOT contact her adult children.

Look,I get wanting to make sure the OBS finds out. I push for it here,every time. Don't punish the OBS's children, trying to hurt the OM. While they are his kids,they are also her kids. Adult,or not don't do it.

When the OW didn't get the response she wanted from my husband, she contacted my 19 year old daughter. She sent her screenshots. And pics. It was horrifying for my child. MY child.

The bitch has stalked me for over 10 years. She has caused a lot of trouble. All of which I could have dealt with. But she involved MY child. And,for that,I will have my day. I have info she doesn't want released. I will release it,at some point. And I will dance to her tears.

Don't contact the kids.

(Someone suggested it. I don't know if you would. Just..don't. )

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:50 PM, Thursday, November 17th]

posts: 4848   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8765628
default

blahblahblahe ( member #62231) posted at 11:26 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

She admitted they talked about meeting, but she said he couldn't make it and they did not meet up.

It was an opportunity, not something that was sought out. I knew exactly where she was. It's just now I know that OM doesn't live far from there and that's the bit I can't get over.

You do need understand that this is total fecal matter. I understand what you WANT to believe, yet if someone told you this story would you believe it?

There is a reason she knows she has a legal liability on this point, it would not pass any reasonable person's judgment. She met with him and committed adultery, I say this not to hurt you but for you to stop the mental gymnastics of believing otherwise.

She swears she never with him. She swore on out children's lives

I wonder if she is using (No Politics) perspective of not "having sex".

When she went to the apartment/home of the male gym friend I was actually curious if she was attempting to create a cover that would be used in the deposition that she often met with men alone and (you) her husband accepted this as normal because it is benign after all (insert sarcasm). This is how manipulative your WW is being seen.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:24 AM, Friday, November 18th]

posts: 319   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2018   ·   location: Europe and USA
id 8765632
default

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:57 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

From everything you share I see your wife as the typical cheating spouse. Nothing remarkable, nothing especially Machiavellian or evil or scheming or anything of that nature. Yes – she realizes a divorce would impact her life and lifestyle, but I think she’s also realizing a) the affair was fantasy and b) she can’t use her normal methods to control or minimize what happened. Pouting for a week, sleeping with her back to you and the silent treatment wont cut it.
What probably confuses her the most is your reaction. What you have and she doesn’t is this board.

Whether she met him or not isn’t really the issue.
As I have repeatedly stated: you can reconcile from anything you know.
The issue is: is she telling you the truth?
A sub-issue is: can you believe her?


Two years from now you can’t be still thinking "did she?"

The importance of truth is so crucial. So crucial.

I have to say that I think the proximity and the three days make me very dubious. Three days and OM never had time? Do you believe that?
Where did she stay? Where did she eat? What did she do over the day? Where did she spend the evenings?

Look – I understand that this is a long-term marriage and divorce is not an easy thing. But you will never reconcile if a) she lies and/or you have constant doubts. It’s your call: Are you willing to state here and now that you believe her?

My recommendations?
It’s clear from how you write that you want – at least – to explore if reconciliation is possible or not. This suggestion is 100% based on creating your best shot at getting reconciliation-positive conditions lined up.

Once again offer her an amnesty if she tells you the truth. Simply point out how unbelievable it is that they didn’t meet. I would also go into if the calls had sexual content. Tell her that discovering that they hooked up maybe 2-3 weeks from now would devastate you even further and totally destroy any progress you two might have made.
Ask her if she would believe her story if the table was turned.
Tell her that if she insists she’s been truthful you want a poly done soon – like in the next 10 days.
Tell her that you have put your attorney on hold, but until you are convinced you know the truth you haven’t taken divorce off the table. All you can offer is to give her a chance to show you if she wants the marriage or not.

Rambler – if there was no physical contact… do you really have a case for adultery? Most laws that relate to adultery and its effect on divorce require "old school" adultery, with grainy pics of lovers leaving motel rooms and such. I don’t think a non-sexual event with no contact will cut it.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11130   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8765634
default

Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 2:49 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

I forget, did you ever figure out if he truly does have a current wife or partner and f so have you been in touch with her? I would be good to compare notes and see if there was a chance he met up w your wife. Did she stay with family or in a hotel?

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3471   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8765646
default

 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 3:17 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

Major updates.

Had a deep convo with we tonight.

He baked on her. When I look at the text messages and the patterns, it makes sense. She said he was the one who didn't want to meet. They had planned to have a drinks. He bailed and said he couldn't make it. From the text patterns, she was not happy. Also, she said he was fine as soon as I called his wife. She was not aware it was his EX wife. So y'all were right, he bailed right away.

I asked straight up if I need to get tested for stds. She said no. I also asked if she was going to sleep with this guy, she said no, but that I'm not sure I believe.

So typical.... she got played by this dude. Also found out he is a total loser... won't get into details why because there may be some recovering drug addicts that live in a trailer on here. I don't want to insult anyone.

So I know she wants R. But I am going to insist on a separation for now.... that's all I can do in my state.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8765648
default

LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 3:25 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

At least you are getting closer to the bone dude.
And none of us believe it was on the up and up and she wasnt going to sleep with him. She went early to spend time with him, didnt mention planning on seeing him to you............yeah nothing fishy there at all.
She may not have done the deed but she clearly considered it. You're still doing the right thing at this point.

posts: 83   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8765649
default

rambler ( member #43747) posted at 4:28 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

To be clear, I am not an attorney. When we were mostly a fault filing country only 14-18 cases filed were for adultery. The reason was the difficulty to prove.

I do agree with bigger where physical contact must be present to have adultery.


OP"s last post Tells why his WW is so depressed. OM blew her off. and now she may loose her husband too.


I do not believe for one minute she did no intend to sleep with him.

making it through

posts: 1350   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8765652
default

 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 1:47 PM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

if there was no physical contact… do you really have a case for adultery?

Actually, yes. In my state, it's called marital misconduct. All three attorneys I spoke with agreed that what I have is enough to prove marital misconduct which is a bar to alimony.

And you are right, I am looking at my options for reconciliation. I am still moving forward with separation and my attorney should be sending the letter to her today. I have been getting the truth from her, at least to SOME of my satisfaction. I have had in mind this whirlwind, perfect romance a with unicorns and rainbows, when in actuality, it was anything but. The guy is a complete loser (which doesn't make me feel any better) and there is no way she would have left me for him. This I believe. She thought the texting would run it's course and I would never find out.

I know she wants to R, for whatever her reasons. Our son lives a few hours away and I told her I was going to see him on xgiving. She said he could come home. I asked where would he sleep and she said in his room (where I am sleeping). I said I am in there and where would I sleep, she said in our room. Then I said where would you sleep and she said in our room. I shut that shit down right away...told her no, we can't do that. I guess I should prepare for the sex bombing soon.

I know it sounds like she is following a playbook here, but I don't think it is intentional. Almost all of her actions are based on emotions and she is working through it. All I am doing is taking the high road and supporting her, but not making any promises or guarantees. I actually think this is the opposite of how she thought I would react and she doesn't know what to do with it. She expects me to be pissed and yell and scream. I did that on day 1 and then found the 180 method. The 180 method has definitely made me stronger and I have been working on myself. It also just destroys any hope of the WS following the typical playbook and knowing how you are going to react. That makes them very uncomfortable and I believe it helps to get to the truth.

She is scheduling IC today, so a good start for her to figure herself out. This is one of my requirements for R.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8765700
default

Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 2:35 PM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

Did you demand a complete written timeline from her followed by a polygraph ?, also demand she takes an STD test, the "walk of shame" to the doctor's office typically drives home the complete lack of trust after her huge betrayal, and could help with remorse. I would have her apologize to your son for the real reason why he can't spend thanksgiving together with both of you in the family house.

posts: 2691   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8765703
default

Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 3:36 PM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

I know it sounds like she is following a playbook here, but I don't think it is intentional. Almost all of her actions are based on emotions and she is working through it.

I think that the reason we quip about the cheater's playback is because they all seem to follow a basic pattern. I think the similarities are based on animal reactions, instinctive and immediate. It is their fight, flight, or freeze response at play. I also think that as this response wanes, they begin to have access to their frontal lobes agsin and start to develop at least a basic understanding of what they have done.

I think this is the reason so many posters say that it is not the A that kills the M, but the behavior after Dday.

You may very well have a remorseful WW on your hands. I'll agree with others that you are nowhere near the truth as she is still minimizing. Until she can be honest with herself first, she cannot be honest with you. And even if it wasn't a PA, you will need to reconcile the fact that your WW has demonstrated that she is capable of a tremendous level of deceit and callousness towards you. Despite every admonition, she will always be capable of this again.

So far, you are doing well and approaching this with a level head. Time is your ally. If she is genuine, then time will tell.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 3:37 PM, Friday, November 18th]

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1359   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8765762
default

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 6:23 PM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

Question - would you classify your marriage as happy and satisfying prior to her A?

The question, and the state of your M prior to, has nothing to do with her cheating. I’m just wondering what your thoughts are on this.

posts: 565   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8765835
default

 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 7:37 PM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

Question - would you classify your marriage as happy and satisfying prior to her A?

We are both very busy. Me with my work and her with her business. I would classify us as comfortable, borderline boring. We did things together, but most of the time separately. It's something that could have been easily fixed, for sure.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8765843
default

 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 9:00 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

So not much progress, I'm afraid.

For the past few days she has been acting semi-normal. Making dinner, watching TV together, etc. She hinted at me about moving back in the bedroom, I said no, I can't do that.

I did end up calling the guy friend she spent all day with last Saturday. Asked him what his relationship was with my wife. He told me the whole story...about how he and his wife took classes from my wife, and then when his wife left him, my wife helped him through it. This was several years ago. So he was just returning the favor. I believe him, his version of their relationship was exactly the same as my WW's. He told me a lot of his ordeal and said it was the worst thing he ever went through and he can sympathize with me. He said he tells everyone to do anything they can to save the marriage because D is the worst experience in your life. I told him thanks for being honest, and I wont call again.

When my WW got home, I told her I talked to him. She was not happy and said that it was really embarrassing. She asked if I was going to call all her other friends too. Told her this was not how I expected her to respond and we were done talking. Then I walked away. I expect full honesty and immediate answers to any of my questions. And no shittiness when I am working to close down loose ends for myself. This was a loose end for me. I'm good with it now. But the attitude is a huge blocker. Guess 2.5 weeks is still not enough time for her.

She got home from work today and she is back to pretending everything is normal. "The yard looks great", etc.

Such a roller-coaster ride.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8765989
default

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:32 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Is she still receiving the letter from your lawyer on Monday?

posts: 565   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8766005
default

 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 11:57 PM on Saturday, November 19th, 2022

Is she still receiving the letter from your lawyer on Monday?

Yes. I thought it would go out on Friday, but it didn't because I made a change. It will go Monday. I think it's via email so she will receive it Monday as well.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8766008
default

 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 8:54 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

Not much happening this weekend.

Yesterday i pulled all the xMas stuff down from the attic for my daughter. We talked about putting the tree up but felt we should wait a little bit to do that. WW came home and a little while later she started to put the tree up. I told her that our DD wanted to do that, and she said she was just putting it up and she could decorate it. She made dinner for us again and then I went out with my buddies to watch football and get ripped. Which I did. Came home, crashed, got up early and went golfing. She did ask me how golf was today, I just said it was fine but a little cold. She went on about how cold it was then went upstairs. Not sure how she knew I was golfing, though. I haven't been in months. Guess she just assumed.

Anyway, it is really hard to not just freak out and demand answers. I know I am doing the right thing by basically doing the 180 and focusing on myself, but it is freakin' hard. She has told me a lot, but I feel she is still not ready to tell me the whole truth. And as time goes on, my thoughts are more and more pulling away from R. I know there is a better life out there for me, but the journey is terrifying.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8766088
default

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 9:15 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

When my WW got home, I told her I talked to him. She was not happy and said that it was really embarrassing. She asked if I was going to call all her other friends too.

Your assessment of this unremorseful and self centered sass was spot on.

posts: 990   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8766090
default

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 10:24 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

She no doubt wants to rug sweep this. Is there any follow up to her emotional declarations and need to change course, etc. from the other day?

posts: 565   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8766092
default

leafields ( member #63517) posted at 11:47 PM on Sunday, November 20th, 2022

Her friend is wrong. There are things worse than D. Infidelity tops my list, followed by death of a parent or child.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1488   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8766099
default

 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 12:47 AM on Monday, November 21st, 2022

Her friend is wrong. There are things worse than D. Infidelity tops my list, followed by death of a parent or child.

Amen to that.

I am trying to get my WW to really understand the pain she caused not just to me, but the family. But me too. I don't think it's possible for the wayward to ever get it

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8766105
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20221122 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy