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Newest Member: Beschaedigt

Just Found Out :
Well, here I am.

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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:50 PM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

What This0is0Fine said!!!

posts: 565   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8766356
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 12:18 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Man, you all are the best. I really appreciate the time y'all are taking to respond.

I get it now. Had a convo with her today and did show my anger. Told her that her being here and moping in her room is not working. That she hasn't done shit to try and fix this. I told her if she has any second thoughts about our marriage, she needs to leave now and stop stringing us along (me and the kids). Every response from her was "I want this marriage and I want to make it work". I'm over that shit. Either do something or get out.

On another note, I actually called the OM today. He is a douche, but basically said he hasn't seen my wife in 30 years and they were just friends. Whatever. WW knows she fucked up bad, and the letter from my attorney started making this real for her.

I am done being the nice guy for a while. It's got us talking, but that's about it. Nothing of substance. Clock is ticking on me kicking her out. I originally was going to give her through the holidays, but I don't want her around here on xmas. So a couple more weeks max as my attorney puts together the separation agreement.

I did buy "how to Help Your Spouse Heal from your affair" and im reading it now. Not sure if I want to continue on the high road and give it to her, or just say fuck it and see what she does in her own.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8766366
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:33 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

I’m going to weigh in on the book and it’s implications.

You give her the book (how to help spouse heal) and she does nothing — you have your answer in her commitment.

If you give her the hook and she dies something, you then question motive. Why now? Why did it take a book to tell her what to do?

If you do nothing — you will know whether she did something on her own and she made an effort. What her not tsxsre may be questioned, but you will know she actually lifted a damn finger.

I did not help my H to R. I planned to D. But it was up to him to change my mind. And he did. On his own.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12781   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8766367
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 12:33 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Just want to say you have shown great strength. I have a lot of respect for how you are handling things.

I know it is not easy.

Just want to say I think you should give her that book to read.

There is a lot of garbage on the internet and she could be looking things up but if she goes down the wrong path she will make it worse.

Example she could find the book "when good people have affairs" barf

If you want reconciliation at all giving her the book is a good idea.

If your done your done. If not a little help and direction doesn’t hurt.

posts: 59   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8766368
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 12:56 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

I'm going to wait a day or two and see if anything I said today got through. Will probably give it her on Thanksgiving.

I really have nothing to lose. As I stated before, I am open to R, but only with a reconciliation agreement that will protect me in the future. If she is faking it, my heart is so scarred that I don't worry about the emotional side of losing her. It's about the finances now.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8766375
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:16 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Nice going! Do you have any leverage to make her leave the house if it comes to that?

posts: 565   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8766410
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 1:14 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Do you have any leverage to make her leave the house if it comes to that?

That won't be a problem. She already knows she is the one that would have to leave.

She came into my room this morning and told me she was really sorry, that she loves me, and that she will try really hard to gain my trust back. She came in and hugged me and said you can ask me anything and I will answer. I said thank you for that, but not right now... you woke me up.

I then gave her the book.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8766420
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:46 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Rover

Quite a few years back we had a betrayed husband come here and share his story. I don’t remember the actual details, but what I recall was something along the lines of his wife and her boss using extremely intimate and personal language in texts, hiding phone and deleting logs and texts, buying and hiding lingerie before going to conferences, getting waxed and beauty-treatments, not answering her phone in evenings and not being in her hotel-room when he called late at night. If I remember she didn’t answer her mobile in the evening, so he called the hotel directly and asked for her room and got no answer. The answer when she called him next day was that she had turned off her mobile (something she never did at home) and had an early night, not bothering to answer the hotel phone.

Basically – the picture he drew was lacking nothing but a recording of OM and WW in bed.
No. That wouldn’t even cut it because she did grudgingly admit to having been in room that evening and later grudgingly in his bed – only clothed and no sex and it was simply to do some work… or whatever dog-ate-my-homework excuse she came up with. While she insisted she was doing dictation, most of us here were clear she was doing dick-tation…

Now… when you add all the factors together: sexy lingerie, waxing and beauty treatments before leaving on a business-trip to a conference, two company representatives being wife and her boss, two rooms – but wife not there in evenings or nights, not answering phone during evenings, being in same room as boss in evenings and night, being in same bed as boss…
What does common-sense and logic tell you?

Nobody – not the husband nor us that were guiding him – could say with 100% certainty that she was having sex with her boss. But she was definitely having some form of affair simply based on what she admitted, and the odds of it being fully physical were something along the lines of 9999 to 10000 based on what was known and admitted.

His wife eventually had a poly and on the question about sex definitely 100% flunked. The operator was experienced and reputable, and he stated that there was no false-positive or positive-false on the questions she failed: she was lying.
She convinced the poster to have another test, and again she failed just as clearly.

Despite this – despite all the evidence and two failed poly’s – the poster stated that he didn’t know what to do, he was doomed to try to reconcile without knowing what he was really reconciling from.

I just looked him up. Hasn’t been active for 12 years, but the last posts of note were from 4 years after his d-day and were about his misery due to the shortcomings of reconciliation. I think his line-of-thought was that if he soldiers on then the sex thing won’t matter so much and/or she might eventually be honest to him. Neither happening…


You remind me a bit about that poster…
Well… maybe I should rather say I fear you might go the same way as this poster…

I will give your wife one thing: I will give her story a higher chance of being true. Versus the 1/10000 above I think there might be something closer to a 1/20 that she didn’t see OM during those three days, and a 1/10 that the affair did not have a heavy sexual tone (as in phone-sex, text-sex, revealing photos and such).

The question IMHO is this:
Do YOU believe her?

We tend to forget that at stages in reconciliation we – the BS – need to let go of some grievances. Three years from now you can’t be looking at your wife wondering still if she did meet OM during those 3 days. You either KNOW she did, or you believe she didn’t. So if YOU believe her story – fine. You can possibly move on. If you don’t… well… don’t hang on for four more years here thinking you are stuck somewhere you don’t want to be.


I find her refusal to do a poly rather damning.

You have been given a lot of other options though.
You can get texts and other info off phones retrieved.
Did she use social media? Most platforms have ways of recovering deleted content.
What was the pattern of the phone-logs the three days she was away?
Where did she stay, whom did she meet, what did she do?
She could be sharing all of this with you and offering whatever was needed – IF she had nothing to hide.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11130   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8766425
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:52 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

She came in and hugged me and said you can ask me anything and I will answer.

You have already done this! What is SHE going to do if she wants to stay married? What proof is she willing to offer you other than her word, which is meaningless?

Also, has she apologized to your daughter yet?

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 946   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8766427
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 2:33 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Good move giving her the book. Why? Because waywards don't know how to navigate the shit they created any more than we do. And there are plenty of people online that give bad advice to waywards. Even counselors give bad advice. "Never tell him" "Only ageee to what he knows for sure" "He'll D you if he knows the truth".

On top of that, you've told us that your wife avoids conflict, is stubborn and won't admit fault anyway. So her typical response is what she's doing but just under a lot more stress. So the book will help her think this through if she is really remorseful. I think she will likely need an IC too.

Another good book is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

posts: 696   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8766434
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Buffer ( member #71664) posted at 9:03 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Brother put the responsibility on her to fix it.
Of course the AP would say we didn’t meet! I take that with a grain of salt.

Also sounds like your wife would be happy to be divorced and proud rather show some acknowledgment and emotions to save the relationship.
Time for a reality check and have her out by the Xmas break. Then she can sit in her apartment and think that well at least I did show any emotions or grovel to be with my family.
Yeh that would keep her warm on the cold night; her pride won’t keep her warm and content.
One day at a time

Buffer

posts: 1249   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8766497
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 11:13 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

We talked a lot today. She was open and honest with her answers, as far as I can tell. She is apologizing profusely about how she fucked up and what she did to me.

She did she would do anything to save the marriage and win back my trust, including a poly.

She read the book and I told her to read it again.

Progress, but I still don't know if I want to R. But that's MY decision to make now. And I need to protect against future alimony because right now she wouldn't get any.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8766516
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 12:56 AM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

You don’t have to feel obligated to R just because she agrees to the poly or comes around to being remorseful. Reconciliation is a gift; it’s not something to which a cheater is entitled.

Take your time and really think about this marriage as a whole, not just in terms of the past few months.

I hope you have a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 946   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8766528
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 1:07 AM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

I hope you have a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving


Thanks to all of you. I don't think I would have been strong enough to make it this far without your support. I hope you all have a happy Thanksgiving.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8766529
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:28 AM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

You’re doing much better than I would have ever expected for such a short period of time since you initially posted.

I would strike while the iron is hot. Don’t wait for WW to get around to setting up the poly. You should should set it up, figure out the questions with the examiner, then give ur WW a couple of options Re dates and times to take it.

She’s either telling the truth and wants to take the poly to prove it, or, she’s banking on you being satisfied with her agreeing to do it and that you’ll then say it’s not required. Do the poly!!!

I keep hearing you say she’s telling the truth now. I would banish that thought process from your mind. You don’t have the complete truth. Even with a passed poly you never will. I think, in the moment, when your wife is expressing her vulnerability, you default to she’s telling the truth mode.

I think you should hold off making any decision re R or D until she completes the poly.

posts: 565   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8766554
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clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 12:06 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

And I need to protect against future alimony because right now she wouldn't get any.

An option would be to move forward with divorce for this reason but continue R if that is what you want and she earns it. If she refused this option, you'd have a glimpse of her true intentions. It would also allow you to feel safe financially but continue the relationship, if you chose to try.

No matter what she does now or a year from now, she isn't owed any chances. That's up to you.

posts: 305   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8766556
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 12:38 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

Good news! I am glad to hear she is making progress now.

posts: 696   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8766559
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 1:21 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

Progress, but I still don't know if I want to R. But that's MY decision to make now.

It's nice to have these options. One of them wasn't even a possibility a few days ago.

There is a saying to "turn off the volume, and watch the TV." She's had enough groundwork laid for her. Sure, she WILL stumble, and maybe even step backwards a few times, along the way, but it will be the overall scope of work that will tell you what SHE wants. What YOU want is still to be determined. It takes time.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4122   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8766564
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 RoverGuy (original poster member #82321) posted at 4:03 AM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

Well, first holiday with a broken fucking family. DD went to her boyfriends house, I went to my son's house a few hours away. And WW went to friends house. Super fucking angry right now.

And WW is in a mood so I am avoiding her. This shit sucks.

posts: 76   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2022
id 8766647
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Shockedmom ( member #44708) posted at 4:55 AM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

There are so many firsts and the rage escalates as you witness first hand the damage that has been brought down upon your family. The poisonous blame game begins. Prepare yourself for an onslaught of blame shifting and rewritten marital history.

Make sure your technology is secure and your game plan is solid.

I’m so sorry the holiday was tainted by her actions.

posts: 1088   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
id 8766649
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