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Newest Member: Goku06

Reconciliation :
Why do you reconcile?

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 Scherzo (original poster new member #80983) posted at 12:57 AM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

I ask this sincerely. My WS technically did not have sex - and declared immediately that he chose me and our marriage over the other person - but there WAS an OP, and I cannot return to my prior innocence.

At the same time, I find myself signing up for our couplehood in coming fall plans, family and friend and holiday events. Is that the main reason people Reconcile? I will do it but I feel dead inside and of course the family and friends don’t know what I am going through.

Am I supposed to count my lucky stars that he wants to stay together? Is that real and valid? I don’t quite believe in it.

From reading here it seems reconciliation is a long struggle and I suspect for us, I am the one who will do the main struggling. He expects things to fall into place as always before. I suspect that is the bottom line for us. Me disillusioned and zero consolation, just get on with it.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 19th, 2022   ·   location: Dallas
id 8756460
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 1:30 AM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

Practical reasons are what tip the scale. No one would even try if they didn't still love their WS. Specifically, because we have kids and house together. Love alone wouldn't be enough for me. Maybe it is for some people.

The idea that he says he "chose you" indicates to me that he is still full of shit. The AP is more often than not, in addition to the BS. Exit affairs are the minority by a wide margin. It's like you said you chose dinner over cake when we all know cake alone can't sustain you long term. If he were able to, he would most likely still "choose" both.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2091   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8756466
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3yrsout ( member #50552) posted at 1:31 AM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

You got kids?

If not, get out now.

If so, then debate your options. I stayed because it was the less shitty of my options. I would have had to pay an Obscene amount of alimony, and I thought perhaps he could successfully extract his head out of his ass.

posts: 646   ·   registered: Nov. 27th, 2015
id 8756467
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 2:14 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

For me, the only reason to reconcile is if the relationship can be made worthy of you and your time.

It’s hard, hard work, uphill both ways and all that.

No one is owed a last chance.

Based on your story, your WS has zero idea of the damage done. R can’t even start until your husband owns his poor choices and can find a way to be a safe partner.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4401   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8756505
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 Scherzo (original poster new member #80983) posted at 4:01 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

Thanks for these responses. In therapy he told me he will never stop trying to repair our marriage, but I agree he is willfully clueless about the real damage. Such as, the way I feel now, this will always be between us. In the past we got along so easily and for him that was our great strength. But now, he "went there" outside our understanding and a crude form of bragging to me— without digging deep, he cannot even understand it himself.

Our kids are grown but we are matriarch/patriarch so separating would hurt them.

Lifestyle- that might be one answer to my own question- why reconcile. I will never see him the same again, but instead of falling off the cliff, I still have a peninsula. It is just hard for me to recognize that as a "reason." It might be a very good reason. I am still learning.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 19th, 2022   ·   location: Dallas
id 8756530
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 4:07 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

But now, he "went there" outside our understanding and a crude form of bragging to me— without digging deep, he cannot even understand it himself.

No one wants to be the villain in their own life story. However, if he continues to be flip or dismissive, then yeah, he’s the bad guy that’s nothing to work with.

I’m guessing it started with ego — poor self-worth, not the cool guy he thought he was — that allowed boundaries to be bent or broken. If he doesn’t seek to understand the validation he got from that person, then he isn’t a safe partner.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4401   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8756531
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:34 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

At the same time, I find myself signing up for our couplehood in coming fall plans, family and friend and holiday events. Is that the main reason people Reconcile?

Wasn't my reason

Am I supposed to count my lucky stars that he wants to stay together? Is that real and valid? I don’t quite believe in it.

That's very good question and very good thinking. The ow affaired down with your H. He is damaged goods, even though you didn't realize it for 30 years. But wanting to stay together is one indicator that staying together is possible, if you want to, too.

From reading here it seems reconciliation is a long struggle and I suspect for us, I am the one who will do the main struggling.

Not necessarily. I've been happy for many years; my W is still working on her own pain.

I saw my W's A as a symptom of illness in her (not in our M), and I signed up to stay with her while she healed ('in sickness and in health'). I had to go through a lot of pain, but after 6 months (your timeline may be different), we started to have good days together. So it was a long struggle, but life kept getting better during it, and eventually it became joyful. Besides, M - living one's life with another person - has elements of struggle anyway, because we don't always want the same thing.

I R'ed for these reasons:

1) My W was committed to R and to rebuilding our M; and

2) I thought I could heal from the pain of being betraued;

3) I thought my W would heal herself;

4) I thought we'd make an M that served both of us very well.

IOW, I saw R as the best way to a joyful life for me.

I've often written that it takes 2 things to make a successful R: 1) both partners want R, and 2) both partners are willing to do the necessary work - the BS to heal, the WS to change from cheater to good partner.

I've also often written that R succeeds when BS heals BS, WS heals WS, and they both work to build/rebuild the M they both want.

Three ways of saying the same thing. I hope at least one of them helps you.

And NOT BTW, don't discount D. If even one of the conditions for R is missing, I think D is the best choice.

My reco is to start by focusing on yourself - what do you want? Is R or D the more likrly way to get it.

Also, you don't have to decide now. You can work on your M for a while and then decide when you have data about your H's actual behavior....

I strongly recommend NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27569   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8756547
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 6:06 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

Why do people reconcile? Two things in my case: bad advice and money.

One of my best friends at the time said "Wouldn't it be a great lesson for your kids if you were able to forgive him and put this all behind you?" Also, a lot of folks on SI push for reconciliation. If I knew then what I know now, I would have immediately filed for divorce, except that...

We owned a business together. We would not have been able to sell it quickly enough or for enough money at the time to not take a huuuuuuge hit, possibly losing our house in the process. I couldn't/wouldn't sell my half to him because he's a lazy POS and I wouldn't have seen a dime ultimately.

If your kids are grown, you have no financial issues, and you know you won't ever see him the same way (even those here in "R" admit their relationships are forever changed), don't bother with R. It's a life-suck.

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 231   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8756551
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 6:41 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Why do you reconcile?

For ME...I went in ALL directions at first. I immediately said the M was OVER as soon as my H confessed to his A. About an hour later we were talking about R rolleyes . I gave my H ultimatums and told him he didn't HAVE to do any of them...but if he didn't do every one of them...I was going to D him. I knew my H had been selfish when I married him...but I accepted him like that. When he showed me the ultimate DISRESPECT with his selfishness...I was NOT going to accept him like that anymore!!

I told my H I didn't love him like I did before...but I didn't want the adultery co-conspirator to just step in and take up the life WE sacrificed all of our M for!! Within the next 3 years I went through various feelings of R or D...sometimes in the same day!!

Around year 3 I started to feel like I had turned a corner in my healing smile . With that...I started committing to being ALL IN for R. That brought our M to healing by leaps and bounds at that point smile .

TODAY...I can say that I am so HAPPY that I chose to reconcile grin ! My H took the second chance I gave him and NEVER looked back. He told me that he was going to make it his life's mission to give me my "Happily Ever After"...and OH GOSH...has he ever delivered on that!! We learned from the PAST...and BOTH became better spouses for the M we have NOW. NOW is what counts grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6233   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8756791
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 Scherzo (original poster new member #80983) posted at 4:14 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

Want2behappy, thank you for sharing your happiness and your positive experience.I am so glad you are restored to a good relationship.

I admit the idea of YEARS of feeling the impact seems unimaginable to me, but in this new reality I am learning there is plenty I never imagined but it’s real anyway.

All answers here have helped me think more about what reconciliation will mean to me. Thx all for your honest answers.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Sep. 19th, 2022   ·   location: Dallas
id 8756856
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