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General :
To Opt In or To Opt Out

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 MegMeg (original poster new member #79978) posted at 8:37 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Instead of wondering whether to choose to opt out of a broken marriage (i.e., divorce), what if we had to choose to opt in to that same broken marriage after Dday? What if Dday not only wiped out our emotional connection, but also wiped out the legal and social connection? What if we found ourselves magically single, transported to the extended-stay-hotel, (with the kids, if applicable), with half our worldly goods, with half the money in our bank and savings, but no place to live and no spouse?

In effect, this is the same question we all struggle with, but from a different angle. It changes how I see things.

How about you:
- If a BS, would you go to the trouble to remarry the WS, knowing what you know now?
- And vice versa, if a WS, would you re-up with the spouse you felt you had to betray?

Me: BS | Him: WS | Children: Grown | Married: 36 years

posts: 50   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Pulling myself out of the mire
id 8748439
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 9:08 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

Well, considering I decided to stay for the kid, I had to "opt-in." Financials factored into it, too.

I prefer having the choice to "opt-out," which is exactly what I did.

Married 2005
D-Day April, 2015
Divorced May, 2022

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button." -Brene Brown

posts: 6536   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8748443
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RaggedyAnne ( new member #78800) posted at 9:08 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

So long as I have my children and grandbabies I would choose to not marry my H over again. As a matter of fact, I would run as far away from him as I could.

posts: 40   ·   registered: May. 15th, 2021
id 8748444
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 9:14 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

If i understand correctly I’m deciding this as a single person with a roof over my head.

HELL NO!!!! Single for life!!!!! 😀

Although I’m not unhappy in R my first motivation was for the kids and have grown into R along the way.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1637   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8748446
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 9:36 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

That basically was our situation -- unmarried, no kids, unmeshed financially, living 400 miles apart, and mad hatters. We opted in. It had Powerball-level odds of working out, and I understand why members in our situation are almost universally told to run. But we've both agreed: we made some of our choices for the wrong reasons, and we would handle a lot of things differently if we could do it over again, but we're truly in love and grateful to be together. We still opt in.

WW/BW

posts: 2835   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8748453
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jaynelovesvera ( member #52130) posted at 9:53 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

If I got to keep all my time with the kids and have a place to stay - I would not opt in.

I consider us as healing and reconciling and generally healthy. If I could have kept custody and the home and be a single dad and not pay alimony to my wayward - that would have settled it for me very early on.

BH

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you. Jean-Paul Sartre

posts: 393   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2016   ·   location: United States
id 8748457
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 11:52 PM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

I've opted out. XWH was never going to be a safe partner, he was emotionally abusive. So much better on my own with my kids & grandkids.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1239   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8748473
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 12:54 AM on Saturday, August 6th, 2022

I opted out.

My kids were older. I was able to move nearby. I was financially stable. We shared an attorney and the D was affordable and amicable.

After the D, I got to see my ExWW in her natural state, her "I don’t have to play remorseful cheater anymore" state, and it wasn’t attractive. After her affair she changed or became her real self? Idk, but she wasn’t the person I married, or the person I thought I married. I could see it all clearly with the hopium glasses off.

There were opportunities to re-commit, but I don’t think either of us really wanted it. I think it was just a sentimental residue of our former life. I think we both believed it would never be the same again-not in our lifetimes. She didn’t want to invest precious time on R if there was no guarantee of things either returning to normal or even better. She said she would NEVER forgive me if I did what she did and believed I would never do so either. I sure as hell wasn’t certain. Who ever is?

Reconciliation is an almost selfless leap of faith both parties make at each other, risking all, falling into that divide between them.

Taking that mutual risk, that gamble, putting it all on the line, skin in the game, that LEAP OF FAITH, is part of the foundation to true R and the first show of trust.

When you enter into R, you’re basically saying, I love you so much, that I’m willing to make this high risk venture, this sacrifice of precious non-refundable time, with absolutely no promise of success, just for this slim fleeting chance at possibly being able to spend the remainder of my life with you.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:23 AM, Saturday, August 6th]

posts: 921   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8748480
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:14 AM on Saturday, August 6th, 2022

- If a BS, would you go to the trouble to remarry the WS, knowing what you know now?


"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3516   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8748485
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 4:05 AM on Saturday, August 6th, 2022

If it was legally and magically done, I may still have opted in. Hard to say.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2028   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8748492
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 4:14 PM on Saturday, August 6th, 2022

In my case, once I got my bearings back from the horror show of it all, it was liberating to know I could be good either way, solo or hitched, opting in or out.

And, since I chose R, opted in with a WS who was all in, and we have built something worthy of both of us, I would opt in on this relationship, knowing what I know. Because that’s what I did anyway. I survived the pain and suffering, I am stronger for it, and I now have the relationship we SHOULD have had in the first place.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4371   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8748530
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 4:34 PM on Saturday, August 6th, 2022

If I was to remarry in this scenario, I would choose my W again. I still believe she is one of the best people I know.

The only exception here, is a wealthy widow looking for a trophy Husband then I might reconsider 😀

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH 55 WW 48 M 31 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1637   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8748536
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 9:48 PM on Saturday, August 6th, 2022

Pretty cool thread...thanks for starting it grin .

I told my H that MAYBE we might try to R...but I strongly felt I needed to D him first. He understood...but then asked if we could D without the legal paperwork look . After I looked at him like he had two heads...he explained that he would agree to ANY D I wanted. But IF I felt comfortable going through with the D without making it legal...then we could start sooner working on R duh . It made sense to me at the time laugh !!!

I went through with my exit plan without all the legalities...and that left me free to start working on R smile . So I believe we both decided to opt IN smile . I would highly recommend doing it with the "opting IN" option smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8748557
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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 4:33 AM on Sunday, August 7th, 2022

- And vice versa, if a WS, would you re-up with the spouse you felt you had to betray?

I did, and it was one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made.

It was horrible and wrong to cheat. But once he divorced me for doing so, I should have stayed gone. And lest anyone think I don’t realize that he most likely feels the same, so should have he (stayed gone). duh

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6373   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8748587
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 12:43 PM on Sunday, August 7th, 2022

What if we found ourselves magically single, transported to the extended-stay-hotel, (with the kids, if applicable), with half our worldly goods, with half the money in our bank and savings, but no place to live and no spouse?

Interesting scenario, but if I had to hedge my bets, I would say that the majority would not opt in.

I say that with the belief that after discovery, one of the major driving factors to not leave is one of fear. Fear of the unknown; fear of financial devastation; fear of limited custody; etc.

But in your hypothetical, we are past that. The new 'normal' has already been established, and the 'work' to get to this point has already been done. Now, the fear of the unknown wouldn't be separating.....it would be trying to reunite, after a major betrayal.

But here's the problem, at least in my case---I am almost certain that I would NOT have opted back in. At the time, the betrayal was just too huge for me to overcome, and I did many things wrong(and a few correct) post infidelity.

So, I didn't leave. We are reconciled, and without a doubt, I am glad, TODAY, that I did so. But I also feel that I would have had few regrets if I did not opt in under your scenario. The bottom line is that only through a lot of time has my answer been given.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4051   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8748595
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 3:59 PM on Sunday, August 7th, 2022

I say that with the belief that after discovery, one of the major driving factors to not leave is one of fear. Fear of the unknown; fear of financial devastation; fear of limited custody; etc.

This could very well have been the case for me in my 1st M. After I caught my 1st H with the 2nd adultery co-conspirator...he left me. So I had no choice at that time except to be OUT.

From THIS experience I knew I could easily opt OUT when my 2nd H cheated on me because there was no more fear of the unknown. I knew without a doubt that life would get better without a cheater!!

My 2nd H made the choice to no longer cheat...and life IS better without him being a cheater smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6170   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8748603
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:42 PM on Sunday, August 7th, 2022

I was lucky in that our son was an adult living far from our home.

I ignored the legalities. I realized I, like every other married person, could freely choose opting in or out and then take care of the practical matters. It's really important to the BS to remember that they have a free choice.

If I knew my W would cheat this way before we got married, I think I'd still have married her.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27424   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8748608
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