I love my Ex, we had a great marriage, he was always a good husband, my rock gave me a good life. He has asked if I could ever take him back. I just avoided a straight answer.
Gently, did you give yourself a straight answer?
Your H is an important factor if you want to R. YOU are the most important factor in deciding IF you want to R. Again, gently, what do you want? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with your H, if he commits to you completely?
You made rules about your relationship after you found out, and you decided very quickly to D. That was fine. Now, IMO, you're wondering of the quick decision was the best one you could make. That's fine, too - this is about human relationships, after all, and human relationships are messy.
But start with figuring out what you want.
If R is something you think you want, my reco is to think about your requirements for R. Once you've got those, see if your XH will either sign on or suggest something else that you can willingly accept. If you come to an agreement that feels good to both of you, start building your new M. Just be ready to end R if it isn't working for you.
I wanted honesty above all. Answering my questions did a lot to rebuild trust. At the same time, more important to the success of R for us was my W's willingness to do therapy to change the aspects of herself that enabled her to cheat and to lie to me and to herself. My top 2 reqs were: 'no more lies' and 'change from cheater to good partner'.
IDK about writing your parents ... could be OK, could be overly manipulative. You know better than anyone else here can. You'll probably be able to work this out if you start to negotiate R.
** Posting as a member **
Pragmatically, you should realize that at least part of his motivation could be to avoid paying 18 years of child support as well as a divorce settlement.
Oh, for sure, because it costs nothing to support a child in a rebuilt family, right?
If getting off cheaper is an XS's goal, living separately allows the XS to plead, 'I can't afford more than we agreed'. That doesn't work if a couple is together and honest with each other.
The D is done; the settlement has been reached and recorded so the courts will help enforce it. Much more important, XH has - with good reason - allowed Limoncello to call the tune. And if R becomes a possibility, L can negotiate a favorable pre-nup.
Skepticism is healthy after d-day, but it's also healthy to keep skepticism from becoming cynicism.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:18 PM, Sunday, July 24th]