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What were the stupidest things your waywards said about the AP, affair, the whole shitty situation? Did they come out of the fog after Dday or were they still in the fantasy land and tried to make see their distorted point of view?

After DDAy one of the things I struggled and still struggle with, is how could he risk what we had for a person like AP1. Self- centered, selfish, without empathy, integrity, internal values, a shitty person overall (and I know he is or at least was exactly the same). The only thing she has is the façade, inside she is just a rotten human being, who had no trouble cheating on her husband for 9 years, even through his open-heart surgery and cancer scare. For the life of me, I will never be able to understand how anyone would find that attractive, let alone risk their entire life for it.

But for some reason, WH had the need to tell me she is not that bad, she actually is a good person who cares about others . He said she lends money sometimes to their coworker, a single mother who struggles financially and never asks for a return. BTW, she is quite wealthy and the couple of euros she lends actually mean nothing to her. And after workplace celebrations (birthdays, retirements, etc), she saves some leftover food for the cleaning crew, who usually come to work later in the day, so they can at least in a way participate in the celebration. So, she may be a bitch who tried to destroy two families with small children, but the above makes her a great gall . Funny thing is, he had no such excuses for himself, he admitted from the day 1, he was a lousy person and he really struggles and is disgusted by who he was and tries to be a better man today. As for her, it took him months to see her for who she really is and to understand that all of the above is just for show.

[This message edited by ZetaCephei at 10:00 PM, Tuesday, August 2nd]

Your story reminded me of the orthodox parable of the onion.

My STBXWH has said quite a lot of stupid things for the past 7 months after DDay 1 from his continued affair. If I were to write 7 (with one needing a part 1 and 2) of the highlights from most recent to least recent idiocy it would be:

1. A random text he sent with no context before or after it - "I have no reason to lie to you." (was found 24 hours later to have lied to me, and family friends/coworkers helping out that he was still in contact with OW.)

2. I hate that others are making decisions for me. (Said after family friends & coworkers he asked for help with his mental health/suicidality had boundaries for him not to contact OW while he was at their houses to keep him from "spiraling".)

3. "I choose you and our marriage" (Said multiple times before choosing to continue cheating, but most recent was 1 day before he walked out the door and refused to come home, was couch surfing with one of the family friend's a couple days and also stayed with OW at her house for at least 3 days.)

4. "I can't talk about this because it makes me feel guilt and suicidal." (Every time he's caught in another lie about OW, or being told he needed to cut OW off and other boundaries needed to be held to if he wanted to stay married.)

5 part 1. "But it's not a spur of the moment thing we (he and OW) have been talking about this a couple weeks now. Why are you upset?" (He and OW making plans to get together - by themselves at her house- during a holiday break which was obviously not discussed with me. WH said he did not understand why it was a problem for him to be by himself with OW at her house, and ...)

5 part 2. "Can you drive me part way and drop me off?" (His and OW's idea for him to get to her house after plans they made without informing me. WH and OW expected me to drive with our 4 year old in the car 45 minutes away so that he could be picked up by the OW to spend the day at her house only to expect me to make the 1.5 hour trip with our kid again -late at night- to pick him up when he was done.

6. "I don't see why you're upset that I'm in love with her."

7. "If I knew you'd react like that I never would have told you." (Said during my crying on DDay when he said he was in love with OW. He wanted me to react like "Oh no honey, how do we fix this?" and was angry that I was not helpful or nice. He did not see what he was doing with OW as an affair as he "never lied to me about it". He does not see minimizing his actions or omitting details as lies.)

straightup...I had never heard of the parable of the onion before. Thanks for your post...I was able to read about it . I can definitely see the correlation!

What were the stupidest things your waywards said about the AP, affair, the whole shitty situation? Did they come out of the fog after Dday or were they still in the fantasy land and tried to make see their distorted point of view?

My H said something similar to me on Dday about the adultery co-conspirator...but he compared HER to ME . He told me that the adultery co-conspirator was so NICE...just like me . JUST...LIKE...ME. That CUT me DEEP .

My H got out of that fog the NEXT day...by reading the adultery co-conspirator's own words...and I was able to WITNESS that fantasy A bubble POP . He had written her an NC message the day before. It was one of my ultimatums for even considering R. I didn't know about SI at the time so I didn't call it that...but that was what it was. My H wrote about how what they had was REAL...but in order to work on his M...he would not be contacting her again. He also wrote how I made him happy. That part struck me as weird...and when I asked him why he would write that...he told me how the adultery co-conspirator would often tell him how ALL SHE WANTED was for him to be HAPPY...even if it wasn't with HER . This was when he said that she was so nice...just like me .

I KNEW that THAT was a LIE...and the adultery co-conspirator confirmed it the next day...in her own words . How DARE he think that anyone ELSE could make HIM happy????!!! Didn't he realize that SHE was the ONLY ONE who could make HIM happy???!!! It was an EPIC reply that showed my H just how NOT NICE she really was . My H's whole attitude CHANGED after he read her reply...and he has never looked back on ANY of that time as GOOD. I WISH every Betrayed could see the fantasy A bubble POP in that same fashion concerning their Wayward.

Thank you for sharing the story of the onion.

Humbleness is one aspect my H does not show. I pray that one day he will.

On D-Day, I knew that WH was talking to OW late at night to end things. I had discovered their emails earlier that day, summoned him home immediately and told him he could either end it now and we could decide if we had a marriage left or he could pack up and leave. He said he would end it, that he had tried several times but that "OW said no." Wow dude, grow a pair.

So after their late night talk, I came out of the bedroom and said that's it. No more calls, no more texts. No more contact from now on. He said, "Well, she's really upset. I need to let her down easy." That sent me reeling! Why should anything be easy for her, the one who walked into an A with a married man with her eyes wide open? I was blinded. I didn't get a choice or a vote. She played with fire and got burned. So did he. They both needed to suffer the fallout. I know they had another call the next night, but he did eventually realize that NC was the best thing to do.

The other stupid thing he said, "If the A never happened and you had gotten to know each other, I think you would have been really good friend. You have a lot in common." Really? How would I have anything in common with a women who cheats on her first husband with the second, then cheats on the second with a married man? How would I relate to a woman who justifies an A by saying, "My husband let himself go when he was diagnosed with diabetes. I am no longer physically attracted to him." So she went elsewhere to get "her needs" met. Shallow bitch.

I got the "you would like her" and "you could be friends" too. Not after Dday, but before, when I suspected something was going on with her and he was trying to convince me I was wrong. It makes me want to puke anyway. How could he even think I have anything in common with such lowlife

There were so many things said that were just "I need to write this down" moments.

My "favorite" was after a particular confrontation not long after D-Day v1.0, my wife said "I'm an honest person! Why won't you believe me!?!"...as it turned out, she was STILL lying with whatever "information" she had handed out then.

So, hmmm...I wonder why I wouldn't believe her...🤔

Oh I got the "if you got to know her, I know you'd like her" line of bullshit too. Also the "you have a lot in common" crap. Bear in mind that I was 37 at the time and his ap was EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. Like... DUDE. I didn't even have things in common with 18 year olds when I was one, I definitely do not have commonalities with them when I am TWICE their age. Fuckin WOT???

My other favorites:

During an intense discussion after dday, this man, who had no job, no money, no ambition, and lived by my grace, told me "look I need to have meaningful romantic and sexual relationships with other women and you are just going to have to get on board with that". At the time I was still shocky from dday so I think I did some embarrassing af pick me shit. Now? I would have laughed in his face and kicked him right out the door.

Because he decided he was "polyamorous" you see, he was going to "date" this little 18 yo child (oh and she was bi so she would date me too - he actually said that she and I could "go do the girl stuff" whatever the fuck that is). But she was dealing with issues at home with her dad, so this asshat actually asked me, his WIFE, who owned the roof over his head, if his ap could move into one of our spare bedrooms to "improve her living situation". Yes, he actually for reals asked me if he could move her in to MY house. I still just smh over that one and thank goodness I wasn't shocky enough to even consider it for one second.

I mean really, pretty much every word out of his liehole after dday was completely ridiculous, but those two still stand out brightly in my memory.

Gah, I so remember those 9 months of trying to "save my M" after dday... thank heaven I am divorced.

*raises hand*...same here with the "You would like her if you got to know her" crap . Only...we weren't going to be JUST friends. My H had other plans. He told her that IF we ever got together...I would be the ALPHA and she would be the BETA...because...you know...the WIFE comes first .

I found her search history full of searches like "how to send nudes", "how to have phone sex", "how to do a strip tease", and "how to have a long distance relationship". Followed by a search for "how to choose between your husband and lover; married but in love with someone else" the day before she moved out because she just "didn't know if she loved me anymore.

Anyways the ridiculous lie came when I confronted her about all this and she said just because she searched for those things doesn't mean she did them.

She then quickly pulled the DARVO line of accusing me of being verbally and emotionally abusive our entire message. This after we'd had a talk a few months before about the problems in our marriage and one of her biggest complaints was that I sighed if we didn't cuddle long enough in the morning or the coffee wasn't made when I was the last one up because I worked evenings.

Also turns out that the biggest problem in our marriage was actually her fucking other people. 🤷 Who knew.

Another stupid snippet. Our last fight before she left started with her telling me that she didn't have the emotional energy to talk to me when she got home.....

Yea I guess that guilt eating you up inside while I'm doing my best to be a good husband makes it really exhausting lol

The stupidest thing he said to me on D-Day was that I am a boring wife. And she is the sexy, exciting ,interesting and interested in him woman.

He really had to do tons of contrition for that one!!!!

The stupidest thing my wife said to me waa, they practiced safe sex. He would pull out at the end.

My wife said, "Okay, that's it, now you know everything. There's nothing more that I'm holding back."

Funny thing is that she's said that 1000+ times, and it's never once been the truth.

(edited a typo)

[This message edited by WhiteCarrera at 2:34 PM, Saturday, July 16th]

"It's just interactive porn"

Double betrayal here, of a sort (she masqueraded as my new BFF to weasel her way into my life; also spied on our family leading up to and during the A via her daughter's social media connection with our then-13-year-old-son). My husband insisted that "she really did care about you" on D-day. Yeah, she cared about me while doinking my husband in our bed while was I was out of town taking care of my dying father. He's lucky the several glasses I threw into the fireplace didn't 'slip' in his direction. And, of course, he never stopped loving me himself.

And it doesn't stop. My SIL said that XWH said he moved out of state because she (SIL) & I are friends & I could still come to family functions without being worried that he'd be there.

We know that he moved because he didn't want to have to tell people we were D because of his A.

Like most waywards, my husband had lied to himself.

Imagine a very shocked and disdainful tone with this:
"They were NOT girlfriends."

When I ran through the list of behaviors, he was surprised that he had to admit--apparently even to himself--that he had been creating online girlfriend relationships:
-You flirt with them and you encourage them to flirt back
-You share the stresses of the day with each other and lean on each other emotionally
-You send sexual pictures and videos to each other

Check, check, check=GIRLFRIEND

Mine tried to convince me that OW#2 wasn't a bad person. She was only cheating because her husband was cheating on her. Umm.. excuse me??? What a colossal disconnect, right? My husband was cheating on ME. Does that mean I get to put an ad on Craigslist and fuck some strange??? Blank stare.

Back in 1991 when I didn't know that WH was cheating with this woman and lied when I confronted him, he also said we could be friends. My intuition knew something was up, goddess I wish I had followed it, rather than find out finally in 2017 for the truth to come out on dd2.

He also considered himself an honest person and if you challenged anything, he would make a huge deal of being offended for being accused of lying. Guess what? He was a big fat liar!. Even after dd days, he would still have the audacity to say he was an honest person - um no you aren't. You lie when it suits you and justify it. You can cross "honest and truthful person" off your CV.

Oh the other thing, he said he had two affairs because he thought that I was having affairs as we weren't getting along at the time. I don't remember not getting on but we have had a lot of shite in our 35 year relationship and I never thought to have an affair! The last thing I would want to do is complicate my life even more, let alone do a shitty thing to my partner and children when I value a monogamous relationship. I have been a bit of a shit definitely over my life but can say that I have lived my values and am honest and loyal to people.