What you've been doing the past 14 years has not worked for you.
Whatever you choose to do now and going forward needs to be DIFFERENT than what you've done to this point in time.
If you don't do things differently, handle things regarding this differently than you have, then you know what to expect and that's more of the same.
I don't see why you don't tell her she has to take a poly.
You want the truth but she won't give it to you.
Why should she? For HER, NOT giving you the truth has worked for her all these years.
That it bothers you and affects you greatly doesn't concern her, her actions have demonstrated that to you over and over for about a decade and a half now.
From a 30,000 foot perspective, you have 3 main choices.
1 Keep doing what you've been doing... though I strongly suggest you don't do this.
2 Just end it with her. Love is NOT enough, it never has been and it never will be. More on that in a bit.
3 Just accept it, forget about it and live the rest of your life. Right now, you're not really living, you're in limbo, upset, sad, hurting etc. You're existing and not really living.
Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough.
In our culture, many of us idealize love. We see it as some lofty cure-all for all of life’s problems. Our movies and our stories and our history all celebrate it as life’s ultimate goal, the final solution for all of our pain and struggle. And because we idealize love, we overestimate it. As a result, our relationships pay a price.
When we believe that "all we need is love," then like Lennon, we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility, and commitment towards the people we care about. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff—all of the hard stuff?
But if, like Reznor, we believe that "love is not enough," then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions. We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.
Many people love their partner but don't like them.
Many people love their partner but they aren't in love with them.
Many people love folks who aren't good for them as love is funny that way.
One more time for emphasis:
"there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love"
The next line says why this is so.
"the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values"
I'm all for love, it's wonderful but so much more than love is needed. People also need to love themselves too.
My mom cheated on my dad, badly, and many times. They've been divorced over 16 years now. He still loves her, a great deal. He's had to tone me down several times.
Now, even though he loves my mom a lot, to this day, he has not spoken to her, seen her or heard her voice since 2013.
She broke him. He knows she isn't good for him, that seeing her will hurt him so he doesn't. He lives about 1,000 miles away and my mom doesn't even have his cellphone number.
For 25 years he tried to keep things together. Why? His mom and dad divorced when he was 2 years old. He NEVER wanted his children to come from a broken family. He worked hard, did well, my mom stayed at home with us 3 children. We had a nice life. He was a good man, kind, decent.
My mom is feisty, hard charging, aggressive, mean, plays the victim, she's always right, she's greedy and materialistic and those are her good qualities.
My dad bent over backwards for us, for her, doing so much for everyone. Even though my mom stayed at home full time, he did all the laundry, for us children too. He bathed all 3 of us each night and they both put all to bed each night. He cleaned the tubs and the showers. He did the yard work, the garbage, moved everything for her when she wanted to rearrange things, which was often. He was her manual labor for all of her projects, of which there were many. She was crafty, she made things, built things and she needed his help, a lot. She'd even wake him up at like 1:30 a.m. to have him come down and help her in the garage even though his alarm clock was going to go off at 4:45 a.m. for work. That didn't matter to her, she wanted help and my dad never said no.
My mom wanted her parents to live behind us on our 40 acres so they gave her parents 2 acres and they built behind our house.
My mom's older brother had a child who needed help with schooling. This was when he was 12 years old. My mom had him move in with us for a year. They lived over 1,500 miles away so he lived with us as he couldn't home.
My dad coached little league, youth soccer, taught children's bible classes with my mom at our church, he went on cub scout camping trips with my oldest brother.
To my dad's way of thinking, he needed to keep his family together, to do for them, to provide for them and he was doing all of that, he did a great job of that.
My mom, on the other hand, was not doing a great job of any of those things. She pushed, she badgered, she put him down and when he struck a nerve with her she gave him the silent treatment, sometimes for 2 and 3 days.
My mom was/is full of double standards. She disrespected my father so often.
My dad trudged on, doing what he thought he should, trying to keep the family together.
Sadly, sometimes what needs to be done is breaking the family up. Love isn't enough. My dad still loves my mom. They met each other at 14 and were together the next 25 years, married over 16 of those years.
My dad stayed too long with my mother. He was a shell of himself. He gave and gave of himself. He was being taken advantage of and used and he justified it all to himself as doing what he needed to be doing, to keep the family together.
He eventually realized that keeping the family together was doing MORE damage to it than breaking it up would do.
He did so much for my mom's parents, cutting their grass, cleaning things in their house.