Newest Member: TotallyShatteredandlost

professional

14 years as BS. Why can't I be fine?

14 years and I think this is over.

I am 59. Found out in 2008 about my wife's online/phone EA with her high school BF. She maintains a vague line of innocence because he threatened to kill himself for her attention. She was remorseful and still feels bad about it but everything she did has some reason or explanation.

While we managed to live these years, there is one detail of contention about the affair. She says she never wanted to be with him and last week she told me, looking into my eyes 'I did not even want to touch him."
She has been very flirty and erotic on the chat but denies vehemently that she wanted to sleep with him after I caught her planning a trip and a five-star hotel stay. She maintains stubbornly that she fell in love but did not want even to touch him. I am struggling to believe her version because there is some truth to it, but I do not think she was not interested in meeting him. She had done everything she could on the phone and webcam (those days) and was moving to meet in person.
So, the problem here is not what she did but I just can not understand why she would maintain this. In some weird way, she thinks only doing something dirty counts as sex. But, her chat even gives me a hard-on at times.

For me, I keep doubting that she is telling the truth. Yes. I said it right. I am not worried about what she wants to hide. The level of sincerity and the depth of her affair trumps everything anyone can do physically. I do know for a fact she dodges responsibility for even simple things like making a wrong turn while driving. Should I ignore that she is lying to make her feel better rather than making me think the way she wants me to think.

I have been getting terrible flashbacks and nightmares. I am a psychiatrist, and I know I suffer from bad PTSD. Yet, my mind wants her to be honest and tell me the truth, and I feel that everything will be fine after. It feels stupid to think that way, but I am lost with what is right and wrong.

BTW - I genuinely believe that she forgot the other guy. After all, we found out that the guy was not dying from brain cancer (for which she would meet him in a 5 Star hotel).
For the n'th time we are discussing separation. She will leave if I ask her. I am seriously thinking about leaving. If you think I am stupid to carry on this long, I welcome your comments too.

47 comments posted: Saturday, April 30th, 2022

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