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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
My Wife had an Intense, Highly Deceptive Affair

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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 12:31 AM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Cops do not like RO’s or PO’s. It severely limits their ability to carry a firearm, including service arms, and perform patrol duties.

Just deliver him a verifiable no contact request or go through his chain of command. If he values his job, and he’s mentally sound, he should comply.

Because he’s a cop, there’s more accountability and consequences than any other AP.

posts: 891   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8727508
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 1:50 AM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

I've described your WW's A as cliche several times. The fact that the AP is a serial cheater is yet another way in which her A is nothing more than pathetic. So many threads here where the WW thought she was getting heartfelt flattery from the AP, only to learn that he's a serial philanderer who has learned that certain wives will give up the pussy if he just says the saccharine words they want to hear. In fact she means nothing to him other than the risk to his marriage and career from her disclosure. Have you discussed that with her? Note that his calls to her weren't "are you okay?". They were "what are you telling my wife?"

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3912   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8727519
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 5:29 AM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

So what did the OBS say to your wife. Was she mad? Sad? Devastated at the double betrayal? Agnostic?

It’s good that you are supporting her after her DDay. But remember your focus remains with you and your wife and your family.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3389   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8727548
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 11:51 AM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

So what did the OBS say to your wife. Was she mad? Sad? Devastated at the double betrayal? Agnostic?

It’s good that you are supporting her after her DDay. But remember your focus remains with you and your wife and your family.

My sense is that the OBS has been waiting for a call exactly like that her entire marriage. It wasn’t just that she was suspicious of my wife and her husband this entire time, but also that she has been highly suspicious of her husband since they first were married.

She was very clam during the call—most of her questions were targeted at understanding if my wife was trying to run away with him; if they still had an emotional connection; if anyone else in the town knew about it; etc. Essentially she was looking to see if she still had a marriage to save, should she want to.

She ended the call with my wife very cordially, noting how hard it must have been for her to reach out and thanking her for doing so. She then left the house—I still don’t know if she has even talked with her husband.

The OM emailed my wife 5x, called 4x, and reached out over every social media platform—all with the same question of trying to line up their stories and pleading with her to respond. They hadn’t spoken since the day after my D-Day, so he was uncertain if the lies she made up about the affair and shared with him then were what my wife told the OBS (though that makes no sense to me). Those messages were still coming in late last night, so he hadn’t come clean with the OBS yet for sure—now he’s blocked on virtually every platform though.

As for my texts with the OBS, she is in shock. She described it as a combination of numbness and sharp pain. She does not want to delve into any of the specifics yet: dates, details, etc.—she asked if we could possibly meet for coffee on Monday to discuss as she wants to use a couple of days for some self-reflection first.

She also asked that we keep our communications private, so I’ll avoid sharing any specifics here (or with my wife). She last contacted me last night with a question on a detail—I answered it for her.

As for my perspective, my priority is with my wife and I told her that yesterday. We have allowed more external factors to weigh on our process now. I warned her repeatedly that Frank’s version of the truth will come out as well, so if there’s anything she hasn’t shared, she should do it before I see the OBS. If there’s something big my wife is still hiding, the marriage is over—I made that clear. A big gap in my knowledge is that I never got to see any of the texts between the two of them, so there’s potential for lots of new discoveries through talking with the OBS.

My wife did reveal to me one more minor humiliating detail, but she’s essentially sticking with her story as complete.

We have CT Monday morning, then I’ll likely meet the OBS Monday afternoon, then I leave for Italy on Tuesday—it’s a lot to handle. My gut tells me I’m still in for a bumpy ride.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8727557
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 11:59 AM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

I've described your WW's A as cliche several times. The fact that the AP is a serial cheater is yet another way in which her A is nothing more than pathetic. So many threads here where the WW thought she was getting heartfelt flattery from the AP, only to learn that he's a serial philanderer who has learned that certain wives will give up the pussy if he just says the saccharine words they want to hear. In fact she means nothing to him other than the risk to his marriage and career from her disclosure. Have you discussed that with her? Note that his calls to her weren't "are you okay?". They were "what are you telling my wife?"

My wife is very much aware, and has been for more than a week. She realizes he played her and used her for his sexual gratification—though it’s not as though she was looking for more; I think it just hurts her to realize she had less control/power in the dynamic than she thought.

Interestingly, on multiple occasions, she has said she now feels like a prostitute. The comparison is confusing for me and I’ve been digging into it with her. At a minimum, prostitutes get paid; in her case, she was the one spending significant amounts of money to have sex with him.

She has these negative connotations to words like prostitute, whore and slut and I don’t understand why—what she did was far worse because it involved so much deception to her husband.

She had framed the affair as sexually empowering for her, not sexually humiliating. So now she looks back at it ashamed and humiliated and I can tell it’s left her very confused and uneasy. Her conversation with the OBS yesterday only cemented those feelings.

She has a lot of work to do in therapy and she knows it.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8727558
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 12:39 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Your WW was exchanging sex for validation/compliments.

Talk to a lawyer. Get the lawyer to send a no contact letter to the OM. It has to be official.

It’s the best path for you and your WW if you want to R. Otherwise the OM might try to meet your WW in person. Then what?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1533   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8727562
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 2:27 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

In addition to the humiliation aspects of this, the STD risks your WW took were insane. Every individual the AP has had unprotected sex with, essentially, is now an individual that each of you has been exposed to in terms of infections. You are the father of your (the couple's) children. In a very literal sense, she put your life in danger for this, which means also she risked making your children fatherless. Fortunately, your tests are clean.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3912   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8727576
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 4:04 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

In addition to the humiliation aspects of this, the STD risks your WW took were insane. Every individual the AP has had unprotected sex with, essentially, is now an individual that each of you has been exposed to in terms of infections. You are the father of your (the couple's) children. In a very literal sense, she put your life in danger for this, which means also she risked making your children fatherless. Fortunately, your tests are clean.

Agreed entirely. She was clueless going into this—it was pure fantasy. She hadn't even considered there could be other women until toward the end of the affair. But ultimately, even then she didn’t care. She was caught up in her world and in her world her actions had no repercussions.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8727587
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 9:01 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Update:

I met with the OBS and we spoke for the last three hours. The OM had largely come clean with her as well already, but I was able to provide the additional details I've gathered over the last two weeks.

She's a lovely, sweet woman and it was a heartbreaking conversation. She's decided she's done in the marriage and moving toward separation and the OM will be leaving the PTA so she can stay on it.

We told each other we'd stay in touch.

The only longterm conflict that arises is for my WW, who now shares the same circle of friends as the OBS--rightfully, the OBS is not going to stand for that, so my wife is going to need to cut back and we'll have to discuss that.

The destruction of this three-month affair is life-changing for all involved and it is beyond my comprehension that two people can be so selfish.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8727644
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 9:09 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

A thousand "thank yous" for being available to her. I hope you stay in touch, at least for a little while.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3296   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8727645
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 9:30 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

The destruction of this three-month affair is life-changing for all involved and it is beyond my comprehension that two people can be so selfish.

So many threads have gotten to this point. Every time, where the thread started with the cheater getting caught, for some reason I'm reminded that it would still be going on if you hadn't caught her. The risks she took with your health. The disregard for the unity of your family. The radius of destruction. It's insane.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3912   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8727651
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MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 10:28 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Just a thought, Frank knows about your trip to Italy. Your WW and he may have been looking forward to you being gone.
He knows where you live. So don't be surprised if he reaches out to your WW when you are gone. If she keeps ghosting he may stop over to talk...

It will be up to her as to how she handles it.

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1230   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8727662
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 10:39 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Beware of the final call and/or meeting to "obtain closure." Many WS have sworn NC until they decided they needed "closure."

posts: 401   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8727663
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 11:36 PM on Saturday, April 2nd, 2022

Just a thought, Frank knows about your trip to Italy. Your WW and he may have been looking forward to you being gone.

He knows where you live. So don't be surprised if he reaches out to your WW when you are gone. If she keeps ghosting he may stop over to talk...

It will be up to her as to how she handles it.

I forgot to note that the OM and I had an exchange today. He kept reaching out to my wife so I texted him today, telling him to stop attempting to contact her. He replied, apologizing to me for what happened and let me know he would never make contact with either of us again. I advised he be truthful with his wife and he said he was (and he was telling the truth).

Now, I don’t believe any of any of it really, but I think my wife is unlikely to be interested in further contact with him. There’s just too much to lose for her and she seems to have her eyes open for how she was being used for sex. She also will be juggling both kids, so opportunity would be slim. Still, there’s no trust, so of course it’s possible.

From the OM side, he’s all in on trying to save his marriage right now, so quick sex with my wife doesn’t seem logical.

However, my wife is concerned that once the OM finds out about the OBS separating from him, he may lash out. But based on my conversation with the OBS, I expect they to play out over some time as she processes all of this.

[This message edited by Drstrangelove at 12:07 AM, Sunday, April 3rd]

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8727672
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MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 1:25 AM on Sunday, April 3rd, 2022

Good job talking to him, he now knows that you know and chasing your wife is not worth the risk.
To be honest, your WW was probably a booty call for him and not the love of his life that he will risk everything for.

For a while he has his own fires to put out at home if he wants to save his family. Your wife is not a priority now.

Have you thought about how much you and your wife will communicate while you are gone?

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1230   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8727689
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 2:17 AM on Sunday, April 3rd, 2022

Good job talking to him, he now knows that you know and chasing your wife is not worth the risk.
To be honest, your WW was probably a booty call for him and not the love of his life that he will risk everything for.

For a while he has his own fires to put out at home if he wants to save his family. Your wife is not a priority now.

Have you thought about how much you and your wife will communicate while you are gone?

Agreed—this was a 100% fun sex for the OM. His sexlife was poor with his wife (a reality for many married with two young kids) and he pursued my wife, who was willing to escalate boundary pushing sex to keep getting validation. I think they’re both done with each other for the near future—but I recognize they now have a bond that could spark again down the line.

As for the trip, her IC suggested she reach out a lot—and I’m fine with that; no issue exchanging frequent texts. We also discussed connecting at least once a day to talk—likely a quick FaceTime with the kids in the morning and then perhaps we connect again in my evening if she has a free moment from work.

But truthfully, I’m hopeful this trip let’s me put some distance between myself and all this drama. I live a very quiet life typically, so the disruption of the last few weeks has really fucked me up (physically and mentally).

I’d like to come home with a clear head and discover what I see when I look at her again—will she still be the love of my life or will I instead see her as a lying whore who trashed my name all over.

I don’t know what I’ll see, but I’ll need the conviction to then follow my heart. Either course—R or D—is going to be a long road. I’m hopeful I’ll be set on a path I believe in.

I’ll also add, she’s largely being incredibly sweet to me now, but objectively, I recognize that D is a bad path for her unless she absolutely can’t stand me. But that’s always possible—there’s still a X% chance that months from now she wakes up and decides our relationship is not worth saving. So I refuse to half-heartedly pursue R and risk that outcome. If I’m going to be that vulnerable again, I need to really believe it’s my best course.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8727698
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EmergingLady ( member #79881) posted at 2:55 AM on Sunday, April 3rd, 2022

Dr.,

When you said this"

"I’d like to come home with a clear head and discover what I see when I look at her again—will she still be the love of my life or will I instead see her as a lying whore who trashed my name all over."

It isn't either or anymore and it never will be. It's AND, not or.

Even if she's all in and you're the love her life and she's the love of your life, she STILL did this and that never goes away.

I'm not going to get into we may forgive but not forget, you already know all about that as does everyone else.


It's sucks, but the bad has to be incorporated into the future. It can't just be tossed aside, forgotten, swept under the rug etc.

It happened, it won't ever go away so it needs to be dealt with. But it's not like a chore that may done, completed and then checked off the to-do list.

This will need to be dealt with on and ongoing basis. NO, not daily or even weekly, but it's not ever going to go away, whether the two of you reconcile or whether the two of you divorce.

Sadly, this saying is common and even more sad is that it's true. Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving and that's what I'm getting at.

You can't come back from your trip and see option A she's the love of your life or option B. she's a lying whore who trashed your name all over.

If you want to and choose to reconcile, you'll have to deal with that second part in an on-going basis as cheating is the gift that keeps on giving.

It will need to be maintained, looked after and dealt with from time to time.

posts: 65   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2022   ·   location: America
id 8727702
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 3:50 AM on Sunday, April 3rd, 2022

Dr.,

When you said this"

"I’d like to come home with a clear head and discover what I see when I look at her again—will she still be the love of my life or will I instead see her as a lying whore who trashed my name all over."

It isn't either or anymore and it never will be. It's AND, not or.

Even if she's all in and you're the love her life and she's the love of your life, she STILL did this and that never goes away.

I'm not going to get into we may forgive but not forget, you already know all about that as does everyone else.


It's sucks, but the bad has to be incorporated into the future. It can't just be tossed aside, forgotten, swept under the rug etc.

It happened, it won't ever go away so it needs to be dealt with. But it's not like a chore that may done, completed and then checked off the to-do list.

This will need to be dealt with on and ongoing basis. NO, not daily or even weekly, but it's not ever going to go away, whether the two of you reconcile or whether the two of you divorce.

Sadly, this saying is common and even more sad is that it's true. Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving and that's what I'm getting at.

You can't come back from your trip and see option A she's the love of your life or option B. she's a lying whore who trashed your name all over.

If you want to and choose to reconcile, you'll have to deal with that second part in an on-going basis as cheating is the gift that keeps on giving.

It will need to be maintained, looked after and dealt with from time to time.

Sorry, I meant more will I still see her as the love of my life—and if not, she’ll just be this lying whore I don’t value anymore.

What I’ve been attempting to do over the last few days is really look at her and really connect with her on a human level. I’m trying to see if there’s still a spark. But logically, I also know I can’t do this properly without some distance, so the timing of the trip may be ideal.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8727708
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 4:05 AM on Sunday, April 3rd, 2022

I agree with your move. What’s the worst that happens, she cheats on you? That’s an old hat to you at this point.

posts: 1777   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8727713
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ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 8:41 AM on Sunday, April 3rd, 2022

The woman was asking if she was going to be attending the upcoming parents night and that she was looking forward to seeing her again and having a fun night.

So the OBS sent this to your WW but she knew of the A between your WW and her husband?

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1533   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8727726
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