SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I did both. I divorced my wife and then after some years we reconciled. Divorce, for me was much easier. For me its not about being too weak to leave, its about thinking you have some control over her fidelity by altering the things around her, or excusing her behavior because of external factors, at the same time minimizing those behaviors.

We all have to travel our own path through this, yet its wise to heed the pitfalls of others experiences. Wayward spouses are all fairly similar. WW tend to do serious damage to both the BH'S image of the marriage as well as their own. I had a therapist that would always tell me its difficult to understand but put in simple form she had to pull away to get close to him. Some of the things she used to pull away are reality-based some are fansasty based all are painful and not easily reversed.

You seem too buy your wife's very quick reversal.

You seem too buy your wife's very quick reversal.

It’s what I struggle with most. From a logical perspective, it’s simply unbelievable. I think what I believe is that she didn’t stray as far from me as she was having others believe. I think in her heart, at every point, she knew she wanted to grow old with me. So it’s not that she went from hating me to loving me in a few days, it’s that she never stopped loving me.

I forgot if I mentioned it, but one thing that stood out from the conversation I overheard with her mom and sister on March 15 was that she was talking about how she wanted to go back to Positano with me for our 40th birthdays. She was thinking that while arranging to meet the other man in his car a few days later lol. It’s insane.

The issue here now is her deep psychological issues—which the more I think about and discuss, I feel are sexually-driven. I don’t think the issue is she wants to live a life separate from me and is debating it on her mind, or ever has.

So my position is to observe her change for now and re-evaluate as we go.

I am just going to say, you should watch out for your anger while you are away. I bet once you get the distance with your vacation, you are going to find it. The love bombing from your wife feels like oxygen to a person who has been suffocated. I think you are going to see that with space.

When you are away, really think about what was going through your wife's head.

An exercise one of our councilors did is have each of us write out what we thought the other person was thinking during each of the steps of the affair, during each lie. Then we exchanged and read them. My wife thought I was happy to be getting my space during her cheating. I bet your wife thinks similarly. She probably thinks the main thing you missed was the sex she was giving the other guy while reducing your ration. My wife was also shocked about how I thought she was thinking. She said she wasn't malicious which it sounds like yours was. She was more not even thinking about me at all.

Try that exercise out. Write out 3 letters addressed to yourself from your partners point of view. One during the start of the affair, one during the heat of it, and one as she feels now. She does the same thing. Then you exchange and read all three. Then you come together and talk. It really exposes how you see each other and feel.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 11:39 PM, Thursday, March 31st]

Try that exercise out. Write out 3 letters addressed to yourself from your partners point of view. One during the start of the affair, one during the heat of it, and one as she feels now. She does the same thing. Then you exchange and read all three. Then you come together and talk. It really exposes how you see each other and feel.

Seems like a good idea—I’ll give it a shot.

fuck. I love Positano so much. I love it so much I'd almost go there with a cheater.

I’m sorry but I do not understand why the delay in telling the other spouse!! You are clearly avoiding it and I get it is hard but it must be done. That woman needs to know. She deserves to know.

Even after 5 years, it’s the number 1 thing that bothers me, other than the fact that the affair happened. (Nobody had the decency to tell me.). Please I urge you to step up and let this woman know, so she too can decide what she wants to do with the rest of her life.

I’m sorry but I do not understand why the delay in telling the other spouse!! You are clearly avoiding it and I get it is hard but it must be done. That woman needs to know. She deserves to know.

Even after 5 years, it’s the number 1 thing that bothers me, other than the fact that the affair happened. (Nobody had the decency to tell me.). Please I urge you to step up and let this woman know, so she too can decide what she wants to do with the rest of her life.

I have an update on this for all of you. We discussed the topic of the other spouse at length at the last CT session. The CT was actually agnostic about it and she felt it was ultimately our decision. She understood the obvious benefits, but also recognized the physical safety risks due to the OM's temperament.

She did caution to me that I should not do it just before leaving the country. The CT thinks my wife has struggled with "feeling protected" throughout her life and she felt if I told the wife and if a worst-case scenario arose while I was out of the country, it would do significant damage to my wife emotionally.

I thought that was reasonable and my wife and I decided that I would tell the other woman upon my return from the trip.

However.

This morning, my wife received a text from the other woman--the two had become friendly during the affair, as I mentioned, but hadn't connected in about a month. The woman was asking if she was going to be attending the upcoming parents night and that she was looking forward to seeing her again and having a fun night.

The text crushed my wife, obviously, and she realized there was no way for her to respond to it. She decided she wants to tell her today. We're finishing up some morning meetings and my wife plans to call her shortly.

I'll be in the room, but will not participate. If you all think it would be a good idea, I may send her a supportive text at some point later today, after the conversation with my wife.

Terrible idea. Having the person who cheated with her H tell her? Of course, JMO.

It seems to me that it would be better for you to respond to the OBS. Call her and tell her that having betrayed their friendship by sleeping with her husband, your wife is unable to socialize with her at this time. Then answer any questions the OBS has.

Yeah, Dr. don't have your wife call. Go read other BW threads. They seem to really focus on the AP more so than BH.
It has usually gone better when the 2 betrayed spouses talk. Then the OBS has someone who she can share her pain with and doesn't immediately go to anger at the person who contacted. Less of a shoot the messenger and more of a mad at her WH.
Plus, if the Cop guy hears you told on him, then your wife will be less involved. She can kind of hide behind you made her do it. Then you are still protecting her while getting this guy on his backfoot and out of your business.
Just how we have seen things happen.

Think through how the other woman will respond. She will be mad that "your wife" did this. She will be mad that she is telling her. She will be overall mad at the conversation, but not mad and focused on the WH.

Update on telling other wife:

My wife spoke with her about an hour ago for 20-30 minutes. I'm glad it happened this way. I was proud of my life for taking the hard path for once in her life. The other woman was already highly suspicious and was not surprised by the reveal initially--and she has known he's cheated on her before. She was very calm (similar to my reaction) and her top concern was no one else in town finding out, so hopefully everyone can be an adult and we keep the affair among us.

After the call, I texted her with my support and we've been texting back and forth--she wants to meet for coffee in the coming days.

Also in parallel, the OM has emailed my wife multiple times today (he was home when my wife was talking to her). He's trying to find out what she told her so he can align his story. My wife is not responding and we have informed the wife that he has been reaching out today, sharing the emails back to her.

Lastly, I just want to note that you were all correct. This was the correct path. I'm glad I didn't wait until I got back from my trip--all this shit needed to be aired out.

Oof. I feel so bad for that woman that she had to have that conversation with your wife. It's not the way I would have done it, BUT I am glad it got done and that you are feeling good about it.

Anyway....

From what I can tell, you plan to police her cheating, her alcohol consumption, and her spending for an indefinite amount of time.

It sounds like you guys are pretty young. Is this really how you want to spend the next several years of your life? Both of you are in jail.

Excellent.

The cumulative crowd sourced wisdom here concluded years ago, and has been repeatedly reaffirmed through the years by consistent positive outcomes, that telling the OBS is the right thing to do.

Excellent.

The cumulative crowd sourced wisdom here concluded years ago, and has been repeatedly reaffirmed through the years by consistent positive outcomes, that telling the OBS is the right thing to do.

Agreed. Though I will add, he has emailed her five times and attempted to call her from a blocked number four times just in the last few hours.

I have zero concerns, but my wife is a naturally anxious person and is now going to be terrified while I’m away. She seems to think he’s capable of trying to break into the house in the middle of the night and I can’t fathom such an absurdity. So either she was fucking a genuine psychopath or this will all blow over in a rational manner.

From what I can tell, you plan to police her cheating, her alcohol consumption, and her spending for an indefinite amount of time.

It sounds like you guys are pretty young. Is this really how you want to spend the next several years of your life?

That’s certainly the short term, but I’m ready to bail at the first sign of trouble now.

Honestly, if I had to bet, me deciding I can’t forgive her even as she does everything right and walking away is more likely than her screwing up.

As another poster mentioned, I expect to see my anger over this situation grow while I’m away. I’ll be interested to know how I feel when I first see her after the trip. Will I want to kiss her or will I be disgusted to see her?

All you have to do is talk with the police chief about your concerns etc (without even filing a formal complaint) - and the OM's calls will stop and he's out of your life forever.

Since he's a serial cheater, he will use his position of authority and trust to destroy more families until he's reported.

Can a family member stay with your wife while you're away?

If she is genuinely concerned then she needs to go file an order of protection, and stay with family while you are gone. You have kids right? For their safety she needs to have a go plan.
Also if this doesn't piss you off that she brought this into your home, that your kids are no longer safe?
That's the kind of stuff that she needs to own, and work to achieve forgiveness over.

He needs to be sent a no contact letter composed by you both, and told he will be reported if he tries to make contact in any way.

Agreed on all accounts. If I sound less concerned than I should, it’s because I think her concerns are entirely unfounded. I think he’s scared and worried about his own situation—he doesn’t strike me as a violent psychopath at all and I think she’s overly worried (and she always is, about everything).

My mother’s husband is a former officer and my neighbor is a former homeland security guy—the guy knows that and it why he never came near the house during the affair. My wife knows to go to my mom’s house if she gets worried at any point while I’m away.

As for calling his police chief, that’s my next play. If the calls continue over the weekend that’s exactly what I’m going to do on Monday. I don’t want to escalate things further before it’s necessary. Right now he has a lot to lose and he knows it. I think it will be fine.

Not to keep banging on the same drum, but he needs to be told in writing to make no contact. If implied consent to do that is not unequivocally revoked, there is nothing to report to third parties if he beaks contact, unless it reaches stalking/ abuse levels. Send the letter now to avoid any escalation. Do not wait.