So again, my issue isn't what she does tomorrow, it's what she might do in the future once this remorse leaves center stage.
Yes Doc, THAT ^^ right there is the truth of all truths.
My ExWW, who remarkably sounds a lot like yours, put up quite an impressive display of remorse-like behavior on the horns of DD. I enthusiastically bit into that, hook-line and sinker, as I desperately wanted her to be truly remorseful. Her resolve began to gradually deteriorate after about 3-5 months. She progressively became more relaxed and defiant. Began questioning the most conventional terms of R. Became progressively intolerant of my very common and relatively in-excessive post infidelity trauma symptoms.
True remorse is relentless. It not only requires a requisite love and desire for the BS, but it also requires a WS who has the capacity for true remorse and the strength and intelligence to holistically heal thyself AND their damaged spouse-at the same time, with little promise of success. This is a Herculean feat and an enormous sacrifice of time when she could just cut her losses and make a run for a fresh start.
It takes persevering loving patience.
Although she will have to do the heavy lifting, she will still need some help. How much should you help? You should help just enough to not sandbag or sabotage her good efforts. You should take some responsibility in healing yourself by getting into IC, following through with the therapy, and provide your WS with the constructive feedback she needs to affect continuous fine tuning of her efforts.
If you find her resolve going into decline, if you find her beginning to resent her predicament, rug sweeping, minimizing her affair and it’s affect on you, victimizing herself at your expense, pushing impatiently for premature return to false normalcy, and you find yourself doing more and more of the work, then you don’t have genuine remorse. You have imitation naugahyde remorse.
It sucks, because on the horns of DD, your body is ripping with adrenaline to fight or flight. To take action. To charge in and save the marriage! However, after you’ve already taken care of your post DD tactical primer check list of actions, you should counterintuitively, do nothing. If you wish to R, you should watch and carefully observe her natural actions and evaluate if she is R material, if she has the capacity for R.
You won’t just know it. You’ll slowly start realizing it over months, months of observed relatively consistent actions.
And during this time you will also learn if YOU are R material. You may not be. This may have been an absolute deal breaker for you.
You will go through the stages of grieving a marriage (shock-denial-obsessive fact finding, desperation-bargaining-hysterical bonding, anger, depression and acceptance)
It’s a long journey my friend. All of us here are in different points along this journey.
You’re at the agonizing very beginning of your journey where you have no idea how things are going to turn out or who you’re actually dealing with.
As the months progress your path will become increasingly more clear.
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 12:33 AM, Sunday, March 27th]