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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
My Wife had an Intense, Highly Deceptive Affair

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Western ( member #46653) posted at 1:22 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

If something happens because he's a hothead, it's not your fault. It's her fault for bringing him into your life.

You are making the right call by telling his wife. If he reaches out to you after that, file a restraining order and notify his Chief. He will get suspended, his primary duty weapon will be taken away and yes he may have other guns but she needs to know. He might lose those too.

What is horrible about all of it is that his wife may boot his ass to the curb but your wife is seemingly getting a pass. Your wife was into it as much as him.

I do wish you the best. You didn't deserve this but yes, OM needs to be outed

[This message edited by Western at 1:48 PM, Friday, March 25th]

posts: 3557   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8725699
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 1:29 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

I’ll let others comment on protecting you and your family from the cop and telling the OBS, which I agree is important to do.

I wanted to comment on the issue of who leads the rebuilding of your marriage and life together.

I think that thru all the comments you are getting here and what you have said you recently told your wife, that you are now getting that you cannot successfully reconcile if you are pushing her to do these things. She has to show you she wants this marriage and to actually create a new and better and stronger one by being the person that takes the lead and makes it happen.

If you really think about it, it makes sense. If you push and cajole and even force her to do these things, and she does them, then you will never know if her heart was truly into it. You probably will end up realizing that you actually "reconciled with yourself" and not with her. She just went along with it because she was only trying to both save face, and not lose everything she has.

If I were in your shoes, I would be telling her that she has to show you through her actions these next months and even years, that she desires me enough to take the reigns and figure out what needs to be done. And that includes researching what it takes to both help a partner heal from what she has done to you and also how to become a safe partner and how to build something new.

I’ve said this here often on many threads, but the innocent, unconditional love that you had for her is unfortunately gone forever. If you choose to stay and see if she can fix her broken self, a new marriage and new love will have to be based on something totally different than you used to build it the first time. And what that is this time, to me, is based on PRIDE. Pride that your partner picked herself up from this distraction and did everything in her power to work on herself and lead the way in rebuilding. Pride that the work she did is something she only did for her and you. and that is not something she ever did for the AP.

Because honestly she has given away everything else. She gave away all the intimate acts that are shared by two spouses who love each other. For a period of time, she also gave away her heart. He was more her husband than you were for 2-3 months.

In the end, what you will need if there is any chance for you to feel again that she is someone that is in love with you, desires only you, and actually wants to be with you because of who you are and how she feels about you, is to lead this process.

And I would tell her that. The point she needs to get to is that she stands next to you and feels the pain she caused you and hates the person she was to injure you so. Because if someone else had hurt you so desperately, she would hate that person and care for your injuries wouldn’t she. The fact that it was her that inflicted them should not change that. It should only intensify it.

So tell her again she needs to decide if she’s a rebuilder or a runner. And if it were me, I’d make it very clear that you are not interested in reconciling with someone who has another man in her heart. That if this was truly the man for her, she’s free to go be with him. That you’ll help her pack and leave to be with him. That if he’s not that person and you are, that she has to spend the next 50 years proving it every day.

And that starts with her being in IC to work on herself, and leading the charge to rebuild.

And as a last comment, I have found it effective for the BS to tell the WS that they expect them to research what it takes to rebuild and present a real written plan on what they plan to do. Ask for a first draft by mid next week. And make it a living breathing changeable document that you discuss together.

But SHE must create and own it. Not you. You’ve done too much already. As an example I will tell you that I love the book you ordered. But I hate that YOU ordered it, and not her. She’s a grown woman. If she’s going to prove to you she’s worthy of your love again, these are the things she needs to be doing.

Remember you cannot force someone to love you. And why would you want to. You’ve been living a lie for the last few months and perhaps in her mind, a few years. If you are ever going to believe her and believe in her again, she needs to show it to you through her actions, not those you force her to do.

With all that said, I wish you well and send you thoughts of strength.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:40 PM, Friday, March 25th]

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3387   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8725702
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 2:06 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

I agree that coming from you it’ll go easier on the OBS. The other benefits are:

- you do not tell your wife that you are doing this. You’ll find out if no contact is really in place with this
- you gain an ally. Exposure kills the affair dead, but with you guys both working towards a common interest it nuclear kills it dead.
- it keeps you in the driver’s seat. Action is good. You do not want to be doing this, but you have to. A good person wakes up, pulls up their pants and gets to work. That mindset will help you through a lot of bleak days.

posts: 1777   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8725709
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:37 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Don't tell your wife you are telling the OBS. She WILL warn him.

Also,she is supppsed to be NC with him,so if she comes home,and knows you told her,you know the affair is still ongoing.

Call his wife. Be kind and gentle. Tell her you have proof. Offer to meet in a public place to give her a copy of the evidence. Print off copies of their texts will work fine.

Do not tell your wife.

Thank you for telling her. You're a good man.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:37 PM, Friday, March 25th]

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8725720
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DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 3:13 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

My wife could also be convinced to do it

No No No!!!!

The last person her afair partner's spouse should have to deal with is listening to your wife. You tell the affair partner spouse. Then let it go. Maybe you can exchange some facts or information but the bottom line is the affair partners spouse needs to know and hearing from your wife would just be more terrible trauma salt in the wound and the knife in the back. There's nothing your wife can say that his wife wants to hear. I'm glad to see that you're considering informing your wife's a fair partners spouse. She has a right to know her life and make choices for herself.

posts: 1748   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8725747
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RangerS ( member #79516) posted at 4:44 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

You are doing the right thing by informing the APs wife. If you are concerned about the cops reaction I would contact the Chief of Police (phone call followed up by an email) either right before or right after you contact the APS wife.

posts: 53   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021
id 8725824
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 4:59 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

I should have clarified, I’m not concerned about him physically. Without a gun, I would end his life in moments lol—but that’s not the point. I have no desire to be part of any acts of violence or getting involved with any drama that would jeopardize my relationship with my children.

And I agree him using a gun against me or my family is an absurdly extreme scenario, I was just throwing it out there.

[This message edited by Drstrangelove at 6:29 PM, Friday, March 25th]

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8725829
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:29 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Considering what you've said,about his fears that his wife would find out,he's going to be so busy trying to save his marriage,he won't have time to deal with you,or your wife.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8725839
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Sharkman ( member #56818) posted at 6:13 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

People like he are cowards. They are opportunistic vultures. That's why you (legally and ethically) hit back hard -- it'll knock him onto his heels and like the cockroach that he is there is a 99.9% chance that he'll look to scurry away from the sunlight as fast as possible.

posts: 1777   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2017
id 8725845
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 6:28 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Good on you for telling the other lady dude; It’s the right thing to do for her, and whether you realize it not, for you as well...

I’ll keep it short cause browsing quickly through the posts you’ve already been advised similarly than what I’d say.

I’ll just say this; Our stories are quite similar... It’s really unfair that we have to make these decisions in a f’ed up frame of mind... It all makes sense in the moment, but just know that at some point down the road, real life will kick in... Read my story on my profile; My anger and real feelings about it only hit me 2+ years in... I didn’t expect that... It’s 100 times harder to deal with it and communicate about it at that point cause at that point, you feel like the bad guy...

Anyhow, I stated it would be short and here I am rambling... I won’t post again publicly, but feel free to PM me...

It doesn't look like I can PM you (it's greyed out), but I'd be interested in what you regretted dealing with upfront that tortured you years later.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8725850
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trustedg ( member #44465) posted at 7:51 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Glad you decided to tell OBS, she deserves to know! She needs STD testing ASAP (you do too).

If you have not already, get "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". It's a short read, read it an give it to your wife.

Me BWHim WH DDay 12/2012Married a long time, in R

posts: 2327   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2014
id 8725869
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 8:40 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Glad you decided to tell OBS, she deserves to know! She needs STD testing ASAP (you do too).

If you have not already, get "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair". It's a short read, read it an give it to your wife.

I just got my STD results back today; clean across the board. My wife is going on Monday.

I also ordered two copies of that book so both my wife and I can read it together.

I also ordered No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Things going well today, she has made a significant effort to lead since our conversation on it. I’m still very sad mostly, but she’s been better and better at supporting.

One other question for you all. I’m supposed to go to Italy with my mother for a week in two weeks. The therapist strongly suggested I cancel, but we didn’t have time to dig into the why. I feel like it would be a good thing to get some distance, but I’m unsure.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8725877
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 8:52 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

I would 100% go, personally.

Don't change your life because of her actions. I also think that the time away will give you more clarity emotionally.

Hysterical bonding is fantastic, but it also clouds judgement. C'est la vie.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1903   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8725882
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:59 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Absolutely go on the trip. Some breathing room away from your wife, would help you tremendously.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8725885
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DoinBettr ( member #71209) posted at 9:18 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Is the pre-nup infidelity impacted? If so, get some solid documentation/evidence.

Getting space from her is the best thing you can do right now. You saw 1 night away made her stop focusing on controlling you and realize how badly she messed up her life for some nasty sex. She needs to be alone in her grief. She can't shutdown to save herself from herself.

Spend at least 1 week away from her. That will give you time to weigh your feelings as well. Don't text her and talk. Let her get into her head and figure out what she is supposed to be doing. If you keep telling her 100% what to do, you will feel like it was your reconciliation and not hers. Like you did this for her.

BTW - The cop will be more afraid of this getting out than you will be. If his reputation gets around, he has a public job and this will be thrown in his face a lot. Especially with a lot of the anti police pushes coming lately.

Edit: I just saw the trip. Go! It will be tough on your WW but she needs to reflect. The counselor is trying to spare your WW the hard landing she is starting to hit.

Sorry, last question. You mentioned she wanted to be handcuffed and used. Is this a fetish she has been repressing from your marriage? Something to discuss in MC next time you get to talk. Also, ask if she ever trash talked you to the other guy.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 9:24 PM, Friday, March 25th]

posts: 701   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
id 8725892
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:37 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

IMO, go on the trip with your mother.

Getting out of your environment will help you think a bit more clearly.

Your wife's actions have already impacted so much of your life. Go on the trip and enjoy a bit of respite from this nightmare.

posts: 11506   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8725897
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 10:14 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Is the pre-nup infidelity impacted? If so, get some solid documentation/evidence.

We live in a no fault state, so the affair has no bearing on divorce or child custody—and I’ve confirmed that with my lawyer.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8725911
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 10:16 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Thank you for all the responses on the trip. I agree. I’d like some time away at this point and I think it would be helpful for my wife too. I can return after a week and maybe it will help us determine how we feel.

I am going to discuss it with the CT on Wednesday, but she will have to be very persuasive to change my mind.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8725913
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beauchateaux ( member #57201) posted at 10:25 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Go on the trip.

I lost my mom to cancer in July, and it’s been really hard to accept (it was fast - too fast for me and my siblings to really process properly before she was gone - she was diagnosed a few days after Memorial Day and was gone by the 4th of July). It’s hard to think back on all the times I should have called her, gone over there, planned a trip and just didn’t, for whatever reason.

Sorry, a little off topic, but my point is to go on the trip with your ma because you don’t want this debacle to be a cause for any more regrets on top of everything else. Carpe diem. Hang in there - this sucks, but you’ll make it through ok. Believe that!

[This message edited by beauchateaux at 10:27 PM, Friday, March 25th]

I edit pretty much every post because I always hit submit and then think of 'one more thing' to say.

posts: 302   ·   registered: Jan. 31st, 2017   ·   location: Chicago
id 8725916
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 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 10:26 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Sorry, last question. You mentioned she wanted to be handcuffed and used. Is this a fetish she has been repressing from your marriage? Something to discuss in MC next time you get to talk. Also, ask if she ever trash talked you to the other guy.

Yes, I’m looking forward to discussing that. I could see the therapist saw lots of red flags just from it being a cop and we didn’t get to the handcuffs.

My wife hasn’t expressed much of anything fetish-wise before—she was very vanilla and naive in that regard. Like a girl who watched 50 Shades of Grey and it blew her mind.

I think it was mostly her just trying to push boundaries and it seemed like an intense way to do that.

Again, I really need to make a long post about my/our sexlife as it’s going to impact your view on our marriage for sure. I will get to that ASAP, I just haven’t had a lot of time, so I’ve been giving quick answers.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8725917
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