I didn't reach any conclusion, by jumping, inferring, or otherwise. Merely suggested a possibility. You do love to deflect and follow diversions. It's something I've noticed throughout this thread, in your responses to many posters. I wonder if this is just something you do here, or if it's part of your day-to-day communication style. Just saying.
I let this post marinate a bit before responding.
I suppose I have deflected a bit--I think overall I've been far more defensive in this thread than I've ever been. I attribute it to being highly vulnerable right now and offering myself up to others for judgement. But it's what I asked for, so I'm not upset by it. As for following diversions, that's certainly a character trait not unique to now--I can be argumentative, always looking to find the point of disagreement and focus there--missing the larger perspective.
IMO, the only part of the sexual history that is relevant to this thread is the reference to your WW's low self-esteem. Time and time again we find that cheaters are seeking ego kibbles from people who will pump up their self-esteem with saccharine words. It's one of if not the most common vectors to cheating. Low self esteem coupled with poor communication skills, all layered atop a shyte moral character in which lying, sneaking and cheating seems like a more logical way of assuaging low self-esteem than communicating with one's spouse, or seeking therapy.
I think you nailed it. That's who she is and what this all is. Now the question is, if in fact she's not a good person who made poor decisions, but instead a bad person who succumbed to her weakness, wtf am I doing? Because this is the truth: I can't tell the difference between who she was a year ago and who she is now--I never thought she was capable of any of the things she did. So how would I ever know if she's incapable of them in the future?
There's one part of the affair that has been sitting with me for the last few days--I can't shake it.
January 5. She woke up to his alarm around 5:50 a.m. She road him to mutual orgasms before he showered, they kissed a bit, and he left. Now it's 7~ a.m. or so and she's lying in bed naked on her phone in a hotel several miles from our house. She can't come home because I thought she was in another state, so she has to spend the entire morning alone in the hotel room to maintain her cover story.
There was an ice storm that morning in the northeast U.S. The roads were a sheet of ice and it was sleeting outside. At 7:40 a.m. I went with my son to the bus stop--we couldn't walk on the road because it was so slippery, so we walked over neighbors lawns to get to the corner. We waited there with all the other parents and children, but the bus never came. It was 8:10 a.m. or so when all the parents decided to give up because the bus wasn't coming.
I texted my wife, who handled the bus sign-up for my son for the school year. I told her the bus didn't come and asked if there was someone I could call to get information on if it was coming at a later point.
She told me the person's name, so I asked for her number. She replied that she would call herself.
She then texted her mother--part of the texts I read last week in the post-D-Day madness. Her mother knew where she was (my wife told her mom she as at the hotel with the guy in the interest of safety; she wanted someone to know where she was). My wife told her mom how inept I was at handling anything and that she had to do it. Her mom replied with one of those laughing/crying emojis. My wife replied with: "I mean, can't he just google it to find the number??" Again, another laughing/crying emoji from her mom.
At the time of the texts, her husband and son had been standing out in an ice storm for 30 minutes in 20 degree temperatures.
And I get it, I understand the psychology; she felt horribly guilty for what she did and was trashing me to help justify it. Fine.
But on a human level, I can't get passed it. She did not have any love for me--only contempt--and in that moment she was morally bankrupt.
That's the woman I married. That's who she is. So I sit here now and a part of me thinks I'd have to be insane to just cross my fingers and hope she changes. How will I never know she's different? She could continue to smile to my face and be downright evil behind my back and how would I know?