The one piece OP has left out, but keeps noting he will eventually post (because it has some bearing he says), is his snd his WW’s past sexual history.
You're right, so let's do it. I've been putting it off because I know this is going to need to be a very long post, but I also know it's critical to framing our relationship--I also am eager to get this all out in the open with the CT, but we just haven't had the time yet.
First, very briefly, my wife. Her first serious BF in high school cheated on her shortly before college. She was living in London with her family and heading over to the states for school, so she arrived in a very bad spot mentally--heartbroken, devalued, and an ocean away from her family. The result was the loose sexual relationships her freshman year--men in her dorm passing her around after the bars, multiple pregnancy scares; just an overall spiral. She was a VERY attractive girl with no self-esteem, so the story writes itself.
Her female friends turned on her sophomore year--an ill-conceived intervention--and she was left feeling judged and totally alone. We met years later, and frankly I didn't treat her well at first, and I'll cover that in my history below. We were fuck buddies and she liked me as more. She was sexually adventurous with me at first almost certainly to keep my attention (which mirrors how she handled this affair). By the end of college we were exclusive and over the following years we moved in together and her sex drive plummeted. She attributed it to being fired from two jobs and a car accident that led to anxiety and panic attacks. She saw a therapist, who tried to put her on medication within minutes of meeting her. It was a negative experience and she tried to handle it herself (limiting coffee, long hot showers, etc.).
Our sex life radically changed--she had no sex drive and was pained by intercourse. This past fall, when she met the other guy, it was the first time in 15~ years she felt a spark that got her juices flowing. And she pursued it.
Now for me...
I was a nerd in high school--terribly dressed, glasses by 10th grade, focused on video games. I went to an all boy catholic school and had virtually no interaction with women. All of my friends were super smart and we were very close. I was the alpha of the group though--all plans went through me. I had an infatuation with my friends younger sister my entire high school life--it was unreciprocated, but I was too much of a loser to make much of a move anyway. My best high school nights were spent sitting next to her on a couch while we watched movies.
My senior year in high school one of the girl's friends took aim on me. She ended up being my first kiss (I had just turned 18). I wasn't interested though--and I told her I only had eyes for the other girl.
I went off to college and fell into a completely different friends group. They were normal guys, all much "cooler" than I was. My status changed from leader of a friends group to the bottom of the ladder, but they were good guys. I started partying with them almost every night and my lifestyle changed rapidly. I'd kissed a few (unattractive) girls at bars, but my heart was still with my high school friend's younger sister.
I was still a huge loser, but by the second semester of my freshman year at college, I had the confidence to make my move on the girl back home. She shut me down hard--she just saw me as a friend.
Within weeks, my life changed drastically. I remember feeling consumed by revenge--I felt like she had taken years of my life (which in retrospect is insane). I bought an entirely new wardrobe, got contact lenses, changed my hair, started lifting weights every day. Within months, I looked like a different person--I went from a 4/10 to an 8/10 by my first summer back home from school.
And I sent off to fuck all her closest friends--literally, that's what I did. I went from being completely sexually clueless to sleeping with a bunch of high school girls for revenge. I was an awful person and I've spent my entire adult life regretting that time in my life.
I went through the rest of college having various fuck buddies for a few months at a time--I wanted to focus on partying with my male friends, but wanted a girl to have sex with a few times a week. That was the extent of all my college relationships with women (I had one other girl in my life I really liked, but I don't want to derail the point of this post).
My senior year of college, while I was seeing my wife casually, I was also seeing a few other girls. One of them, one night, came over to my place, leaving a party early to come meet me. I gave her oral sex and I hadn't cum in several days; I came in my pants while doing it. I started exploring what happened mentally--I was turned on being submissive in that moment. I came just from servicing her. It was something I wanted to explore, and did through porn.
I also began asking that girl to tell me about other sexual encounters she had. It turned me on to know she was having these slutty sexual encounters with others guys and then I was giving her oral sex. I explored my submissive side with several girls from my past, who were all willing to entertain it because they liked me--I essentially had the power to "top from the bottom" (I think that's the phrase).
At first, I didn't bring it up to my wife because it was embarrassing and I was developing real feelings for her. However, as our relationship became more serious, the chats with these other girls became problematic. While it felt innocent on my end because I had no emotional or physical connection with them, they all still wanted to have sex with me. The temptation was not something I could deal with while building a relationship with my wife, so I went cold turkey with all of them.
I tried to introduce the fetish to my wife, but she wasn't interested. Her sexual past was not a point of fun for her, it was a point of pain and deep shame. That led me in some strange directions--I began looking to talk with strangers on the internet--girls from all over the world just so I could explore this part of my sexuality--I just needed them to not live nearby because I didn't want any temptation to have a physical relationship.
I'd even open up to my wife about it sporadically throughout our marriage, but she didn't seem to care, so I took that as validation it was harmless. I ended up developing "friendships" with two different girls who lived far away and who I wasn't attracted to. I ended up exploring this fetish with them by creating a scenario that I was in a cuckold relationship--essentially, I'd be telling them about my wife having sex with other men and getting their feedback, which would get me off. I disliked how porn would make me feel after viewing it and my wife wasn't interested in sex, so this was a key outlet for me over the years.
With my wife, her disdain of sex led us to alter our relationship over the years. We'd have sex probably 15-20x a year, but we would fool around 2-3x a week with oral and fingers. For the last 5+ years, a big part of our sex life was me giving her oral sex and cuming in my boxers. It seemed like the only sex act she really enjoyed and I was able to make it mentally stimulating to me because of the cuckold fetish. I even began to document our sexlife on a sex forum as a way to get behind the mental stimulation of it all.
That takes us to the last few months--I was still talking with one of the online girls (we've now known each other for probably 15 years, but there have been lots of gaps in our communication). As far as she knows, I'm in a cuckold relationship and I still tell her about my wife's fake adventures on occasion.
The twisted part of it all is the guy my wife had the affair with, I worked him into one of my fake stories with her. I always used people from our real life and pretended my wife was fucking them (with my knowledge).
Now, my wife didn't know the specifics, but she was aware of my various fetishes and that I spoke with girls online at times to meet sexual needs she wasn't interested in. I also should point out, I have fetishes on the dominant side too, but those were always suppressed in my marriage because my wife was so uninterested in sex. Essentially, the cuckold one is the fetish I had freedom to explore with my wife without my wife's consent--she just had to happily lie there while I gave her oral, blissfully ignorant to how fucked up I was.
I should also make it clear that 2-3x a year I'd sit my wife down and try to talk this shit through with her--I don't want to paint a picture that this was all in secret. She'd just shutdown though and the talks were very negative and unproductive.
Now, she claims none of this madness had anything to do with her affair, but that doesn't seem believable. I also want to note that my feelings for the fetish are all fucked up now. I used to be able to jerk off to cheating porn and that's now out the window--I'm way to hurt to do that again I think.
A big question is how I would have handled the affair if she took me along for the ride with her. If she was telling me she met a guy on PTA, flirting, etc. Would I have shut it down or embraced it to explore our sexuality together? I honestly don't know. But over the years she has always seemingly been honest when guys hit on her, reporting back to me. And I tease her back about it in a positive way. She was still doing it during the affair, just ignoring the affaire and any male attention she was getting in town (there was another PTA guy heavily hitting on her these last few months that she kept from me as well).
Obviously we had serious communication and trust problems running rampant in our relationship from both of us and the affair was just a manifestation of it. My moral compass prevented me from being open to an emotional or physical relationship because of our marriage and children; hers didn't.
I know this post is going to generate a lot of follow up, so I'll leave it here for now--happy to clarify anything though. And again, I really appreciate all the interest you've taken in my thread.