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Just Found Out :
My Wife had an Intense, Highly Deceptive Affair


HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 12:09 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

All you need to do is take care of yourself,and your kids,and watch her actions. Don't listen to her words. Watch what she does. Eat,sleep,exercise. Spend time away from her with friends. Self care. Ask questions when you need to. Express your pain and anger. Watch her. That's all you need to do.

I know it feels like you need to do SOMETHING to make this right,or go away. The truth is,you don't, you can't.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8725539

 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 12:10 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Written timeline, and often recommended here, but I think it's a personal choice, polygraph to confirm the written timeline is complete and accurate.

Just having it availble in written format will prevent gaslighting or "you misunderstood me" conversations in the future.

I 100% guarantee you that you will both actually misunderstand your wife and probably also be told you misunderstood her when you didn't in meaningful ways some time between now and one month from now. Written record makes it easier to figure out which of the two it is.

I have been using written timelines. That's how I figured out the second lie (fucking him in the parking lot twice). Her dates and times kept changing as I dug through old text messages.

Her current version checks out as far as I can prove and there's a lot of logical consistency to it. I feel confident about the start date, Dec. 17., so the only way there's more to the story is if the frequency was more common or there's a really big sexual event she is omitting.

As for frequency, with the times she met him and all the sexting, it was a full plate for two months, so I can't imagine it'd be so much more that she had to lie about it.

As for the big event, he handcuffed her in a hotel room and fucked her ass at her request, so if there's something bigger, it would have to be a doozy. Maybe she had him jizz on her wedding ring while he fucked her in our bed. But again, Occum's Razer is keeping me sane.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8725540

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 12:13 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Its way too soon to even think about forgiveness.

First..forgiveness is earned. Over a long period of time,through honest,consistent, and remorseful actions.

Second,forgiveness is not a requirement for reconciliation. We have many BS here who don't forgive their WS, and they're years out. They accept it happened. They're not angry, or bitter, and they don't hold what happened over their WSs head. But they can not forgive what was done to them. And that's ok.

Take forgiveness off the table. You need to recover first.

Al,when a ws says you "now know everything," it's a good bet that you don't. As you said,her dates keep changing. She's still lying.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:16 AM, Friday, March 25th]

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8725542

This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 12:19 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

I wasn't specific enough, sorry. We give too much boilerplate advice here...

The timeline is something your WW needs to write.

It starts the first time she met AP and runs up to today.

The level detail should be to the best of her recollection. The facts of what happened matter, but it might also help to have her write what she remembers feeling or thinking at the time. How and why did she make the decisions to take those actions.

It's ok for you to write stuff down and check, but the purpose of the exercise is largely to get the WS to get out of the fog as well. To see the series of decisions they made in the affair. That it wasn't cool fun and sexy. It was dirty and wrong.

Then the polygraph to confirm option is about making sure there really isn't a final omission. "Is this timeline factually accurate and complete to the best of your recollection?" is a solid polygraph question once they have written the timeline. Because they will know if they left something out. I never did get a polygraph, I just collected enough information to corroborate the completeness and accuracy of my fWW's A timeline.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1903   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8725545

Crushed7 ( member #41129) posted at 12:20 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022


It sounds like you may have found one of the really good MCs out there, so that is a very encouraging step forward! I'd also recommend the following books for you...

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" (MacDonald) - great for both of you to read if she will, but good for you alone as well just to help ground you in what you should expect to see from a truly remorseful spouse

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" (Glover)

Finally, I want to share a bit of my own story (ultimately just to get to the points at the end)...

My W first cheated only a couple years into our marriage. She indicated it was because she was looking for attention that I wasn't giving her, but she was so sorry and confessed what had happened. Within a year we had our first child and eventually grew our family further. When our oldest was in grade school, she had an EA took some time for her to admit to and stop. But it was the same thing -- she wanted the attention. Then it wasn't until our kids were in Jr High and High School that she had more EAs and PAs (several with different men, but with the same "attention/approval" reasoning). The last one was with my BFF who was also a neighbor with both of our wives/kids being close friends as well. I first noticed that they were texting excessively and confronted both of them along with informing the OM's wife thinking this would put a stop to an apparent EA. A couple months later the OM's wife found that their interactions hadn't stopped and that it was a full PA. Same thing -- she enjoyed the attention.

In the days after discovery, I went into damage control mode -- I setup a MC appointment, found ICs (even recommended some to my "BFF" and his wife), looked for other forms of support, informed our in-laws (who lived in the same town) of our plight. Prior to discovery, I largely carried the load for the family -- had the career that paid for all of our expenses, took care of the finances, house and cars, tended to the children, made the meals, etc. After discovery, I continued with that and all of the chaos of the new stresses. I also started to look at the possibility of moving out of the area -- having the OM so close made things difficult while my father's health had just taken a bad turn and could use some support.

During the initial days post discovery, my W and the OM didn't fully cut off communication. When my W did, the OM tried finding other ways to reach her including crossing her path in town. My W grieved the lost relationship and was sullen. When the A became more widely known, my W became even more drained as she was filled with shame and guilt. Her parents ended up actively opposing my direction of moving away even to the point of trying to manipulate our kid's into opposing it with ideas like "but my friends are all here" and "my school is here" and "what about my sports activities?". I carried her, our kids and our lives through that.

I made a stand about how I needed to be away from our location including an OM who lived a few houses away along with other men who lived in town that were previous EA/PAs. In addition, I received news that my father's health had taken a turn and it wasn't know how many more months he would live. My wife and in-laws opposed that direction. They said "But he is just going to die anyway - why move?", "The kids would be better staying here" and "It isn't that big of a deal that the OM is a neighbor because the A is over." I ended up transferring jobs and moving away all alone to support my parents.

During the time apart, my W and I worked with our own ICs. During that time, I came to see that my W's rationale of "I wanted the attention" wasn't a statement about me failing to give her more (I had been carrying everything already), but that the common thread was her. My wife made some big strides too -- through her own shame/guilt, recognizing that she was broken and then seeing the destruction she had brought on herself along with me. Eventually, over a year later, my wife and kids ended up moving to be with me. Over the course of years since then, I ended up going through multiple ICs -- one for EMDR treatment, another to unravel my own codependent patterns and another to help drain my feelings of worthlessness and the false assumptions I had carried about myself from childhood.

A summary of some of the impact of this...

1. Being a nice guy and carrying everyone else prevented me from starting my own healing for a long time and, I believe, has led to a healing process that has been slow and lengthy
2. In being nice, I was opened up to and accepted far too much abuse from my wife and from my in-laws
3. With the exception of the last A, I avoided telling the AP's spouse only to see more damage emerge from the wayward spouse that didn't have any consequences
4. My wife's core challenges that led to her chasing approval/attention ultimately were linked back to her upbringing/parents
5. My kids weren't oblivious to what happened, even though they were only in their lower/mid teens, and my modeling of being "nice" has led to some challenges of their own not that they are older

Now for the two points I'd like to convey...

1. Post discovery is absolute craziness and it can be really, really difficult to take some steps or even to just get to a point where the mind will accept some ideas (e.g. if the marriage ends, it will be ok). Some people seem able to move quickly and others just really struggle with it and it takes longer.
2. Those who are here on SI (1) know the pain and (2) have often been around SI long enough to see the patterns that play out. While there is a spectrum of how SI members communicate and even a range of thoughts/approaches, what you should see in it all is that there is a theme of trying to help you move as quickly as possible to help you avoid as much pain as possible. Especially in Day 2 of this thread, I think that is a key point for you right now.

So be kind to yourself for where you struggle, but also do what you can to take in some of the advice that is being shared with you. If you can't process as much advice as you are getting, it is OK to step back. If you think some isn't well founded or doesn't align to your situation, it's OK to leave it alone. This place is meant to be one that helps support you in the middle of the chaos and helps you advanced bit by bit towards surviving the infidelity you've experienced. Hang in there, DSL!

Last DDay-2012 (several month EA/PA)
Married 30+ years

posts: 3788   ·   registered: Oct. 27th, 2013
id 8725546

ShutterHappy ( member #64318) posted at 12:30 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

The regulars here reads hundreds of stories like yours. This is what typically happen:

1. BH doesn’t tell the OBS. A few months later, the AP contacts the WW, the A starts again. It’s all fun and giggles for the OM. He can prove to himself that he has power over the BH, it’s an ego trip.

2. BH contacts the OBS through FB. The reply usually say,"thank you for the info, I will deal with this privately, don’t contact me again." Of course it’s not the OBS but the OM that replied.

3. BH contacts the OBS directly. She’s devastated but put the OM in hot water, could lose his home etc… he’s less tempted to contact your WW again. He sometimes call to complain about the call to the WW. The WW gets angry at the BH for "breaking the OM marriage". Clue to the BH: they are still talking.

Still the people here have your best interest at heart. They want you to succeed at getting out of Infidelity. The best way to do that is to talk to the OBS.

Me: BH
Divorced, remarried.
I plan on living forever. So far so good

posts: 1533   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2018   ·   location: In my house
id 8725547

Crushed7 ( member #41129) posted at 12:41 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

there's very little about what I should do while I wait around for her to fix her fucked up head.

My experience was that it took my wife 3-5 weeks to fix some of her own rainbow unicorn pooping skittles bullshit. And I think that I "enabled" it to be that long by being too nice and accepting her "I need to grieve" and "I miss him" and "This is so hard" and blah, blah, blah. I wish I would have said something along the lines of "You've just assaulted me emotionally and psychologically by what you have done. In essence, you've stabbed me in the heart and brain, blood is everywhere and yet you want me to tend to your bruises? I think you have this all backwards and it better stop right now. Don't get me wrong, I understand that unwinding the emotional ties you thought you had isn't easy, but I need you to work on that with your counselor and I could use your help with the kids and house as well." But that only answers how you can help her accelerate fixing herself and not continuing to put her desires/wants above yours.

Outside of that, what do you do?

1. Take advantage of some of the shock and hyper-vigilance. Keep an eye out to ensure that she doesn't break the no-contact rule. Go ahead and pull together the storyline and what you need to know while your brain isn't clouded by anger or sadness. Go ahead and put as many things in order as you can. Get the IC and MC arranged. Read through books that others are recommending. Post and process here. Go ahead and do anything that you feel you can pull off now -- because harder days are coming.

2. Enjoy the hysterical bonding.

3. Prepare for the anger to hit (seems like some of it already is). If you like to walk, exercise, drive, journal, etc., be prepared to use those outlets as there will be lots of energy that needs to find a healthy way out.

4. Get your wife to take some steps with you -- How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair is a good one. Agreeing to write out the timeline and show that she is willing to put in the work is another.

5. Search for your own options for IC and make a plan for how that will go. Yes, your W needs some help right now to get on a better path and this stuff isn't cheap, but you'll need it in the not too distant future.

It's one step at a time and those should be solid ones for where you are at right now.

Last DDay-2012 (several month EA/PA)
Married 30+ years

posts: 3788   ·   registered: Oct. 27th, 2013
id 8725550

Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 1:21 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Dr. My advice is to take it slow. This is so fresh and both of you are likely flailing around like my WW and I did for probably a few months after dday.

I look back and shake my head at some of the things I did and said, and can’t believe how easily my WW lied to me, while I was at my weakest, balling my eyes out, she sat there, took it all in and continued to lie. This was the most damaging thing about her A’s. She kept trying to manage the outcome.

I had very little "evidence" when I confronted her, but it was literally spelled out in an email from her to him. After I confronted her, I spent so much time using recovery software to try to recover any evidence that would contradict her story. My gut knew she wasn’t telling me the truth but I wanted so badly to believe her, but my gut kept nagging me. So, I spent countless nights trying to find evidence. I did find a small amount of text messages that just didn’t seam to line up with her story. Finally, after an ultimatum to get intensive IC did she finally tell me everything.

The new information wasn’t the part of all this that killed me, it was the lying and withholding of information (truth) that was and is the worst part of all this.

I have gotten over the physical betrayal but the ease at which my WW could lie and withhold information from me is something that I don’t think I can ever forgot. It has made me more guarded with my WW.

posts: 760   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8725567

Mamabear312 ( member #59811) posted at 2:03 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Dr., I just wanted you to know— I felt the same about contacting the OBS. I strongly believed it wasn’t the right thing for my family or

my situation (and I also admittedly liked knowing that I could blow up this woman’s world at any time.. it felt like power at a time when I felt very small).

What that got me, in the long run, was a second dday, two years later. The affair did end after dday 1. No contact happened. We tried to reconcile. It was HARD, hard work, and turns out my WH wasn’t up for the task after all… because looking inward and facing your demons is actually exhausting and painful and requires grit and perseverance. He didn’t have it, and nearly two years later he broke NC. The second affair wasn’t physical at all, all via a burner phone— he went back simply for more validation. Because validation and having someone adore him was something he couldn’t live without, and he knew she would give him that. And, the door was open because the OBS didn’t know. The affair fog, the high from the validation, had lived on in some way.

When I found out about the second affair, the first thing I did was call OBS. I apologized and told him every thing and gave him all the evidence I had collected. We spoke a few more times to compare info and that was it. Also, I too live in a small town. Many people already knew. People know in your town too. I’m so sorry, but they do.

Please just trust me because I WAS you. From the pragmatic, kind, thoughtful approach to the doing too much of the work for him, doing too much of the talking. Not telling the OBS allows the "what might have been?" to creep back in. It allows the fantasy to live on. Only when BOTH affair partners face consequences in their marriages does this kind of magical thinking go away, does the bubble get burst. So consider this one more plea, with YOUR best interest in mind, to tell the OBS.

Also— my WH and I did eventually reconcile. After dday 2, I threw him out, filed for divorce, created a parenting plan, and moved onward to heal ME. Do you know what happened then? He hit rock bottom and went and did the damn work. Attachment based therapy 2x weekly, working his butt off to understand his "whys" without ever asking anything of me. We co-parented and our kids adjusted beautifully. 6 months later he asked if I would consider reconciling. With a post-nup in place eventually (another year later) we did so successfully. I’m really happy in our new and massively improved marriage. I wish the same for you, but also don’t want you take the detour I took, and worry you’re going down a path that won’t require her to do the REAL work that she needs to, while you’re also allowing the affair fantasy to live on.

Also, someone mentioned co-dependent and your response made me think you’re not familiar with the definition in the clinical sense. Dig into that term with some reading and see how it strikes you.

Best of luck to you on this journey you never asked to be on. You’ll be great no matter how it shakes out, even though I know you can’t see that now.

[This message edited by Mamabear312 at 2:08 AM, Friday, March 25th]

posts: 83   ·   registered: Jul. 24th, 2017
id 8725582

rambler ( member #43747) posted at 4:21 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Your wife needs some serious help. She is turning herself into a victim. You are enabling her to not get the help she needs.

Exposure will kill the affair. OM will turn on her.

making it through

posts: 1321   ·   registered: Jun. 17th, 2014   ·   location: Chicago
id 8725601

NotInMyLife ( member #67728) posted at 5:41 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

I feel confident about the start date, Dec. 17.,

No way. People do not just suddenly start entertaining being kissed by someone, there was a build up before any kind physical contact. It is supposed to be her timeline, not yours.

And yes, I'm the one doing most of the work, but that's just the way it has to be right now.

You do the work you and your kids need, you leave her to do the work she has to do on herself. Read up on "The 180" and get started. Focus on doing things with the kids and leave it to the professionals to work with your wife.

posts: 151   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2018
id 8725611

RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 8:02 AM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

there's very little about what I should do while I wait around for her to fix her fucked up head.

Simple, focus on your own healing. Don't try and 'fix' your WW also, as that will compromise your main mission; to get mentally healthy again.

Fun fact: The only person that will be with you from the day you are born, to the day you die, is YOU.

So focus on YOU, so that YOU can lead a healthy life. Be healthy for you, and for the ones that matter to you, and depend on you. You cannot reach a healthy state when you are worrying too much about the feelings of someone else (especially the one who betrayed you).

As to a mindset you and your WW should have, is that the WS must take actions to try and EARN a CHANCE at R. R is not an entitlement, but a privilege that needs to be earned, and it is up to the BS to decide if the WS has done enough to give a chance at R.

R should also not be the default decision, as that can fuck up the BS. There are some threads where the BS is dead-set on R, and it comes out that they are still suffering after some years, and they cannot understand why they are still suffering. They forget that the decision that they made, was not the right one at the time they made it, and it has forced them into a life of suffering.

Please note that it is not wrong to choose R, but if that choice is made too early, without all the pieces falling into place (BS healthy, WS earning the chance at R), and the decision to R is made, then you will be painting yourself into a corner.

Once you heal, you will be able to choose the best path for you.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 968   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8725618

Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 12:25 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

there's very little about what I should do while I wait around for her to fix her fucked up head.

Read about The 180 and implement it in your life. Around the house, if chores need to be done, do them. Care for your kids and enjoy their company as usual. Do all of this as if you were a single man with a female roommate who is somewhat a stranger to you. Be polite and cordial to her, but do not initiate emotional or personal dialogue. "Grey rock" is a phrase often used. Do not fix her dinner nor breakfast nor coffee. Do not pour her a glass of wine.

In your free time, re-discover the things you did when you were single that were your happy place. Golf? Hunting? Playing guitar? Lifting weights? Connect with some buddies and get into this activity.

If she wants to start confronting truth, she can initiate the discussions. If she does, listen, engage, and respond. She should do the work and drive the process.

Quit MC. It's a waste of time and money right now.

Tell the OBS. Stop cowering in fear about this cornerstone step toward healing.

Meanwhile, here is your Koan to contemplate: Your WW decided that the 85% she was getting from her marriage wasn't enough to justify remaining faithful to you. She decided that it was worth it, in her twisted calculus, to let the 85% go so she could get the 15% from Deputy Dickler. She rejected you so fully and completely that she decided it was okay to choose to perform the extremely disrespectful and intentionally emasculating acts you have described. She did that on purpose, to you. You describe her as conflict-avoidant, but her actions don't match that description. She is calculating and meant to disrespect you. This is in fact the reality of your wife's character. You need to absorb it and to understand that a decision to commit the 5 or so years it's going to take to figure out if your marriage can reconcile is in large part a bet on the depth of her character. Is she a long distance runner? Will she stare the truth in the face and confront it with unflagging courage and brutal, naked honesty, over and over and over and over, until she re-shapes it, like a sculptor pounding at a stone? If you were in a combat situation, is she the person you would rely on to have your back? All of those personality characteristics are necessary qualities for R to work.

It's wise to not make any decisions now about R or D. Your early rush to R is normal, but ultimately self-defeating. The overwhelming urge of every newly minted BH is to get as quickly back to what he though he had before Dday, the illusion of a comfortable, committed family and a loving, faithful wife. Task #1 is to realize you didn't have that. It existed only in your imagination. What you had was the bitter, resentful, hyper-critical wife whose texts you read, masquerading to create space and time to cheat.

Second task is to decide if that's the person you actually want to be married to. The obvious answer is "no". As we've repeatedly said, unless and until she devotes a herculean effort, and years of time, into the process of IT to figure out why her moral compass is so fucked up, and then she fixes it and transmogrifies herself into a better person than the one she is today, then the flawed cheater is what you've got.

By the way, do NOT ever let her get away with using the word "mistake" to describe her cheating. A mistake is forgetting your car keys, or using baking soda where you meant to use baking powder. She made hundreds or thousands of individual choices to carry on her affair. Conscious, knowing choices and decisions. Intentional acts. All of the lying and planning and charades to distract you. The lingerie she bought. The hotel rooms. the logistics of getting to places for sex, then getting home in time to elude detection, the exploration of sexual variety. She decided that her marriage would be put aside specifically so that she could give her body to Officer Assfuck, because she wanted him and not you. First step for her healing is to own those decisions and admit that this was what she craved and desired to such a high degree that she decided to cast you aside so she could get it.

She also needs to own the reality that, if you had not caught her, it would still be going on. Today is a Friday where I'm at. She'd likely be planning a tryst with him in a parking lot, or hotel, for this very weekend, if she had not been caught. That is in fact the reality of her value system, of the person she is, today. If she won't own that, if she won't stare down her truth in an honest, clear-eyed fashion, my friend, you've got nothing to work with.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 12:29 PM, Friday, March 25th]

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3912   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8725685

 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 12:27 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

No way. People do not just suddenly start entertaining being kissed by someone, there was a build up before any kind physical contact. It is supposed to be her timeline, not yours.

I meant I feel confident that the physical affair began on Dec. 17. They were getting increasingly flirty in person and in texts throughout Oct. and Nov. They first met in August.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8725686

 Drstrangelove (original poster member #80134) posted at 12:36 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

I’ve come around on telling the other woman—I don’t know where my life goes, but not telling her is betraying what I know to be right and I can’t live with that. I’m now deciding on the best path to do it. I have her number, so I can call and discuss or suggest that we meet.

My wife could also be convinced to do it; or we could do it together. My feeling is that in her shoes, I’d want it from me—including my wife will create even more anger on her side. I’m open for opinions.

Lastly, I’d be curious if any protective measures some of you have gone through. I hadn’t considered this until now, but the guy is a hothead—he’s also a cop with a gun. I can’t assume anything would happen, but he does know where my family lives. If something terrible does happen, I’d never forgive myself for that either.

Me: BH, 37
Her: WW, 37
DDay: March 15, 2022

posts: 304   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2022
id 8725687

Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 12:44 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

I’ve come around on telling the other woman

In terms of timing, I think it's best to do it yourself, without first telling your WW that you're doing it. In part this is to assert your agency concerning your healing from the A, to counter the reality that your WW asserted her agency by deciding to have the A. The secondary reason is that it can be a litmus test for whether they are still in contact. If they are still in contact, and if you tell your WW in advance that you're going to call the OBS, she could alert the AP and give him a heads up, which in turn could lead him to spin it to his OBW before you speak with her.

In terms of logistics, do NOT send a message via email or social media. He's probably hyper-vigilant and watching all of his wife's electronic communications so that he can intercept messages. Options that have worked for others: (a) Stop by the home when you can see that she is home, but he is not, and knock on the door. (b) Call her personal cell phone. If you get VM, try calling again. Or, if you leave a VM, make it vague: "Hello, this is Dr. Strangelove. We don't know one another, but I would appreciate an opportunity to speak with you for a few minutes." (c) LinkedIn often gives work info. Use that to find her at work and call her there.

I've never read a thread here where the AP sought retaliation against the BH for informing the OBW. In your earlier posts, you referenced a few things he said that suggested he is fearful you may do this. If you're really worried, install some home security cameras and/or a Ring doorbell, and tell a trusted friend in advance exactly when you are going to speak with the OBW and ask him to come to your home a couple of times over the next day or two, at various points during the day. Consider calling his commanding officer -- AFTER you've spoken to the OBW -- and inform him/her that you've discovered the officer has engaged in an adulterous affair with your wife, you've discussed the affair with the officer's wife, and you're concerned the officer may seek retaliation against you and your family.

Also, after you've had a chat with the OBS, and after enough time has passed for her to confront the AP and the AP to reach out to your WW, or not (like 24 hours), then tell your WW that you have done this.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 1:48 PM, Friday, March 25th]

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3912   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8725689

annb ( member #22386) posted at 12:53 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Dr., gently, I believe the truth should come from you.

The last person the other BS would want to hear from is her husband's affair partner.

If the BS chooses to contact your wife for information, let it be her choice.

You've made the right decision.

posts: 11506   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8725691

fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 12:56 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

I think you are doing the right thing by exposing to his OBS. You should make the call or visit, not your WW. Be aware. I have not seen any AP turn violent for exposure. But if you feel threatened be prepared to get a restraining order. He has a lot to lose for even threatening you. He will have enough to deal with.

As you can see you receive a wide range of opinions here which is healthy. Many feel that any infidelity deserves immediate filing for D. Getting a D is certainly a default position, but not your only option. Most importantly always value yourself. You deserve a partner who loves you and who you can trust. It’s up to your WW to try and rebuild your trust. But even if she is entirely remorseful she is not owed a second chance. You decide on what you want and deserve.

Know that rewriting your M history is extremely common for cheaters to justify their actions. Sounds like your WW engaged in doing just that with your parents and her family. She needs to set the record straight with her family and anyone else she lied to about you and your M.

It sounds like you have found a decent MC to work with. If you continue the counseling just be conscious of any attempts at blameshifting for her A. Also right now be thinking of your boundaries with your WW. Communicate your needs and what you need to see from her. Get stronger for you. Many BS find it important to build a plan in case there is a recurrence of infidelity. Get your own, separate financial security. You have a prenup. Do you want a post nup delineating custody or ownership of the house and other assets should she cheat again. It might give you more peace of mind moving forward. Just a suggestion. Good luck moving forward.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3121   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8725692

jujuchrist ( member #78594) posted at 1:10 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Hi DrS

My dad was a cop to. A large and tall guy, used to lead others cops (he was an officer). Of course he had 2 or 3 guns at home.

He cheated on my mom.

My mom learned about the affair when the OBS told her.

Do you know what my dad did? He just left for some days, because he was ashamed. He did not take responsability and just hid. He did not contact the OBS.

Consider that : he may be a cop, he may be some kind of a leader or a large guy proud to be "manly", but cheating just reveals he is a coward. And currently he is the one who is scared with your reactions; because your reactions may cause a big loss for him (well, actually that's not exact, that's what HE did that may cause a big loss for him). Don't forger that he called your WW several times because he was scared you would inform OBS. He IS the one who is scared currently. He IS the one who has a lot to lose.

And the worst for him is that you have proofs of an affair and many people know about it, so this guy cannot just come after you without expecting harder consequences (losing his job and maybe a future custody).

What you can do is giving a phone call to the OBS when you know her husband will not be around (working time for example). If you need to be reassured, you can ask her to warn you if she feels her husband may come after you, but this has a small chance to happen, because he would literally lose his job (do you have a VAR?). What can happen if he contacts you out of anger is that you will get a call from him bragging about how much and deep he has fucked your wife. If that happens, well, just stand up for yourself. I'm sure you will know what to say ^^

Most important : do not tell your wife at first. Her reaction when she will learn the exposure (via OBS if she wants more info or via AP if he calls her) will tell you where her loyalty goes. If her priority is to preserve AP's couple, or your healing.

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 1:20 PM, Friday, March 25th]


posts: 65   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Marseille, France
id 8725694

CruiseControl ( new member #79784) posted at 1:15 PM on Friday, March 25th, 2022

Good on you for telling the other lady dude; It’s the right thing to do for her, and whether you realize it not, for you as well...

I’ll keep it short cause browsing quickly through the posts you’ve already been advised similarly than what I’d say.

I’ll just say this; Our stories are quite similar... It’s really unfair that we have to make these decisions in a f’ed up frame of mind... It all makes sense in the moment, but just know that at some point down the road, real life will kick in... Read my story on my profile; My anger and real feelings about it only hit me 2+ years in... I didn’t expect that... It’s 100 times harder to deal with it and communicate about it at that point cause at that point, you feel like the bad guy...

Anyhow, I stated it would be short and here I am rambling... I won’t post again publicly, but feel free to PM me...

posts: 41   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2022   ·   location: CA
id 8725696
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