SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"The "maybe she's happy with this reality" is by far the least plausible scenario"

Apparently some patients with terminal cancer choose only to know the immediate treatment plans and not the prognosis, because….they just don't want to know. It may be true that she is happy enough in her marriage without knowing the details of his affairs. Some people live like that. And are entitled to carry on living like that, if they want to.

And sometimes life isn't simple. My aunt cheated on my uncle. She confessed. He then volunteered that he'd had an affair seven years earlier. She slowly broke down over two or three years, thinking about my uncles affair. She committed suicide. My parents opinion remains that he should have stayed quiet. This mans wife is apparently not always in good mental health. She's had a number of breakdowns in the past. What state of mind will she be in at a point I chose to come to forward?

Also, if this leads to a divorce, he's made it clear that he would be devastated / destroyed. Obviously the kids would be too. His business would go under since its funded by in-laws and friends, and everyone involved would suffer.

So one thing I know for sure is that I definitely won't be FORCING the truth on her. To me, if it's correct that she has a right to know, she most definitely also has a right NOT to know as well.

And I do believe that, deep down, she knows what her husband does. If nothing else, she knows he's been capable of it at least three times before. Apparently she's made comments about him going "off to see his girlfriend" (he actually was, but didn't confirm this). Apparently she can intuit which are his genuine business trips and which are his affair trips, and ring / not ring him in the evenings appropriately. If that's right, and ignorance is bliss, she can delete my message. But it's a *chance* to know the truth & details, if she wants to.

If she knows nothing, or reality is different and she's just waiting to catch him one last time (for example) then I'm coming forward with new / useful information

She also may believe she is consenting to one thing (primarily sexual affairs, or short term affairs, or ONSs). But it also plays on me that what this man was looking for when he met me was a long term mistress. He didn't carry on looking after our affair (no excuses for him, I just think what he went through emotionally in our affair put him off). Now he's decided he does in fact still want that and has gone back to the search. Now, yes, that's their business alone *IF* his wife consents. But, to me at least, having a permanent mistress on-hand in a nearby location for decades… it seems incredibly serious. And potentially heartbreaking for her. What if she wakes up in 20 years time and realises what he's done. Or after he's died, that their life was a lie, and she never gets to talk to him about the truth. But then again, am I the one to force this information on her?? But am I really forcing her by offering her the chance to have this information???

I posted on another, general forum. The advice there was split 27/8 in favour of NOT telling. The most genuine reason that I could grasp that people cited was that it would make no difference as the main reason, since he's been caught before and she knows he's a serial cheat (I guess they think I'll cause her pain by giving her information she essentially already knows and, essentially, rubbing it in her face). They also assumed a malicious motive on my part which, in their opinion, automatically invalidated any good at all in me coming forward. I was also repeatedly told to "move on" - which is obviously right for me, but maybe not for her (I can see much more of an argument for this if it was a onetime thing on his side, and he indends now to be a faithful husband - but the very opposite seems to be the case). I also have one friend (cheated on) who says definitely yes tell, one (cheated on) who doesn't know, and another (not cheated on) says definitely no.

Thanks for everyones comments on here. And the consensus here by people who have experienced this is so helpful. Not positing this piece (necessarily) looking for more - just helps me to think this through.

And sometimes life isn't simple. My aunt cheated on my uncle. She confessed. He then volunteered that he'd had an affair seven years earlier. She slowly broke down over two or three years, thinking about my uncles affair. She committed suicide. My parents opinion remains that he should have stayed quiet.

^^^^THIS IS WHY YOU DISCLOSE TO THE OTHER BS WHEN THE AFFAIR IS FRESH.

I'm so sorry your aunt went through that and your family had the devastation of her suicide to recover from.

This mans wife is apparently not always in good mental health. She's had a number of breakdowns in the past. What state of mind will she be in at a point I chose to come to forward?

WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS??? Her husband is a lying unremorseful, manipulative cheat. He is a cancer in her life. How can she possibly have good mental health when she is breathing in the toxic air of his presence?

That being said, many BS's lose their sanity because of the subtle emotional abuse (or not so subtle in some cases) going on when a WS has an A. Us WS's aren't in great mental shape to begin with, and are already difficult partners to deal with even without the A. Add on to that the gaslighting, minimizing, lying and potentially STD's, you've got a great environment for a mental health breakdown.

Or a health breakdown in general. There's a BS on here who's WS cheated again YEARS later (over a decade I think?) who's related her autoimmune disease that's been progressively getting worse over the years since her WS's affair. How much of that was created/exacerbated by the daily stress of living with an unremorseful cheater?

Your continued silence will be directly responsible for the fallout of her mental and physical illnesses that WILL come in the wake of living with her unremorseful, cheating husband. Your information could provide her with the strength and anger to get herself out of the hell she's living in and heal.

I also have one friend (cheated on) who says definitely yes tell,

This is the only advice I would listen to.

It sounds like you're leaning in the direction of disclosure. It's the right thing to do. DO IT!!!!

I'll be cheering you on!

Please stop saying you know what she knows feels,believes.

You know nothing.

You only know what a man who is cheating on his wife told you. One thing about cheaters, they all are liars. They lie to their spouse, their AP and themselves.

He does not love her or his kids. If he did,he wouldn't be a serial cheater exposing her to deadly stds,and exposing his family to a potential bunny boiler.

She committed suicide

And,yet, this didn't stop you from being with a married man?

"The only thing necessary for evil to triumph, is for good men to do nothing."

So one thing I know for sure is that I definitely won't be FORCING the truth on her.

But you already are. You are making your own guesses and assumptions and then making her choice for her. She has no say in the matter. Maybe she wants to know, maybe not, but it's not your place to make that decision for her. You are making life-changing decisions for someone you don't even know and aren't even asking for, nor allowing for, their wishes. Telling her what happened isn't forcing anything, it's the opposite. It GIVES her choices. It informs her so that she can make that choice based on available and factual information. Using your own logic, if she's happy with the marriage the way things are, then you telling her won't make a difference. If she's not okay, then you've given her the gift of truth, and the ability to stop being abused by a liar and a betrayer. I'm not sure under what circumstances it would be prudent to hide the truth from someone being used, abused and taken advantage of. I don't personally see how that could ever be the right decision. Hiding the truth from the innocent sounds like the wrong decision to me.

My daughter once told me this... "If the woman in the stall next to you asks you for a tampon, you give her one, even if she's your mortal enemy. Because women have to watch out for each other." I dunno, it just seems to me that if something that small is enough to overcome social challenges in order to help someone else, then something this big is all the more important. If you tell her, and her marriage is ruined, that's her husband's fault, not yours. I know, I know, other woman and all. You made the wrong decision in choosing to take up with her spouse. This is your chance to make things right.

Do whatever you think is right. I just hope you give yourself the chance to do something you can look back on and know that you didn't run away from doing the right thing just because it was hard or scary.

It's always best to tell. It just is. Even if she's busted him 5 times, she has a right to know about the 6th. What he is doing to her is incredibly abusive. It might take her a few times finding out about him to leave. You might be saving her from a future STD that would kill her. I got the mildest one, HPV, and had I not gotten checked out and had cells removed, I could have cancer now. Had I not found out, I shudder to think what could have happened to me. She's not safe with this man as a husband. If she divorces him and he loses everything, that's fair. If you tell her and she committed suicide like your aunt did, that's still on him. She still would have found out about another affair and done the same because he isn't going to stop. It's that bad of a thing to do to someone that suicide hits the mind of almost everyone who is betrayed. That's a hard truth, but I expect my fellow BSs here can back that up. Either way, those feelings aren't about whether or not you told. She's already felt them before if she's busted him before. He's doing this to her over and over regardless of what you tell her. The only chance she has at getting herself mentally stable is knowing what her reality is and facing it. The gaslighting and lies are driving her mad.

I am a BS of a serial cheater. I wish that someone would have come forward and told me the truth.

Interesting that so many people knew what he was doing and yet not one of them was willing to do the decent thing and tell me. And I really needed to know if I was going crazy or my gut was right on because there were so many red flags, dispite his professions of love for me.

Also, a lot of weird stuff was going on at the time that never made sense to me, never added up as to why so many had so much disdain for him. Of course now I know why. But if I would have known earlier in our marriage maybe the direction of our lives could have changed for the better or at least my options for getting out of the marriage and away from him were better.

And mine did pass away a couple of years ago. And I'm still waiting for someone to come forward and acknowledge who he really was... just because I want it. I'm still waiting for one of his past AP in particular to come forward with an apology. But she probably won't because she is a weak coward.

Please do the right thing and give his wife the gift of the truth. And like you mentioned you can give her the option of how much she wants to know.

I wish I would have known years ago, would have saved me from going through A LOT more heartache and brain dramage because of his lies and deceit. I am still broken-hearted.

The truth will also set you free from his lies and manipulation. You too were deceived.

Allow the outcome to be the outcome.

You knew all this yet you did what you did? (Poor bs) Are you here to fucking brag about it? You certainly aren't listening to the wiser folks here. You're defiant. Trolling? Is this some sort of ugly insane bravado of the chick the Almighty OM should be with? My god. You're despicable. You won't "force" the bs to face reality? Since when are you the boss? She's living in the world you helped to destroy. I think you like the power. Why are you here? For validation?

Know what? Someday you'll be old. You won't be the hot young alternate side piece anymore. And you'll be alone.

The weight of your choices will sit on your chest and I promise it'll be a real bitch to try to breathe.

Be better than that. Jesus. Take a damned breath now while you still can and listen to the veterans here and do the right thing. For once. Do the right thing.
Don't be a coward.

Ever occur to you that the bs might have mental health problems because of you? Because she's gotta smell you on her husband? He's dousing her with gasoline but you're holding the matches and it sounds like you're enjoying it.

At worst you're a troll. At best you're a very mean, very misguided person.

Maybe you're just empty.

You could go volunteer for orphanages in Romania if you're after some salve for your soul.

Why do you come here and ask questions you don't want the answers for?

I sure as heck would have been better off if I'd been told I'd spend 30 years with a cheater. How long do you want BS to serve? What's her crime? I'd sure have preferred the burn ward to a lifetime of slow death. At least they give you morphine.

I think you resent BS and it's OM who deserves it.

Btw all you know about her is from a cheating, lying dishonorable man who would pretend he didn't know you if you knocked on the door of his family home. You're not the protagonist of a novel. It's not all about you. There's no plot armor. Get a soul.

Get a broom and brush the cobwebs out of your brain.

I sure as heck would have been better off if I'd been told I'd spend 30 years with a cheater

.

Susie, I lived 35 years of not knowing the truth of who mine really was. I even questioned him on multiple occasions and he always reassured me that he would never do that to me... all the way up to his death, almost two years ago. His lies and hurtful behavior made me insane and crazy feeling. And all I really ever wanted was the truth so that I could make my own informed decisions. 😔

Why does it seem to be more other women in here lately?

I just prefer they have dignity and go to a support group specifically for their group of women. Why are we spending time trying to guide them?

This poster isn’t sincere at all. Why are we entertaining her? POS

Mickie,

Why does it seem to be more other women in here lately?

I just prefer they have dignity and go to a support group specifically for their group of women. Why are we spending time trying to guide them?

I think it's worth replying. The replies from other WS and BS who have first-hand experience seem particularly valuable. They are eloquent and thoughtful. I'm willing to believe OP is genuine and misguided and confused. Maybe I'm overly optimistic, but I think OP knows what is right or she wouldn't be here continuing to discuss this. It can be hard or scary to do what is right, even though it is healthy and beneficial in the long term. If OP goes to her peers or other unhealed affair partners or unhealthy people for advice, she is likely to receive bad advice based on unhealthy views.

This whole discussion seems an example of all the logical fallacies and poor thought processes that a person in an affair exhibits. There are logical arguments that don't follow, excuses, justifications, minimizations, rationalizations, lack of personal accountability and responsibility... This is an example of how a person in an affair can twist their thoughts around in order to avoid painful truths.

HIGHERGL,

If you're still around, I'd like to address advice specific to you and not your affair partner's wife. Your ideas of a good and decent relationship and person are not sound. This man you got involved with is simply not an honest, caring, or decent person worthy of befriending. He pretends to be a victim of his marriage, in-laws, children, business, sexual, and general life. You seem young. I wouldn't want to see you continue a pattern of forming relationships with this type of person. Please try to find help through therapy or other personal and relationship growth vehicles.

I just prefer they have dignity and go to a support group specifically for their group of women. Why are we spending time trying to guide them?

Let's compare your post today to your post from December 2020, shall we?

Also- just a word to this community

If a person, most typically a wayward spouse shares their effed up thinking and feelings as I have done here for the purpose of being authentic about whatever they are feeling at the time what is the purpose of beating them down? I know what I’m doing is wrong that’s why I’m here. It’s like "hey guys I’m in limerance with someone who is not my husband help me." And then you respond- " how could you even like someone......and your poor husband ......you stooped low......have some integrity...."

Got it- I know it’s wrong that’s why I came here!

Susie, You have a PM.

Mickie500 , post respectfully or don't post at all.

Higher, how are you? What's your progress?

This issue- tell or don't- is very triggering to many on this site.

Don't give up on posting. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Many are frustrated with wayward thinking because we've either done it ourselves (WS's) or had to live with it and the consequences (BS's).

Keep going, keep posting and keep seeking to the do the right thing. It's the only way to come back to yourself and the person you know you want to truly be.

BS here.

You don’t owe anyone anything. She’s married to him, not to you.

I just don’t understand the anger at the AP. Frankly, my WS pulled the wool over her eyes, too. He told her he was ten years younger than he was and that he was an experienced "top" for BDSM activities.

Lol. For real. He was not any of those things. Her info was helpful to me, though, because it helped me figure out how deep into shit he was. And it was deep. Really fucking deep. And it showed his lack of insight. All helpful information to have.

Tell her if you want to. You’re the one who has to live your life. You’re the one who has to atone for what you do. And you had no contract with his wife. He did. Anger at the AP is misplaced because it is easier to be angry at the AP than your spouse.

But then again, am I the one to force this information on her?? But am I really forcing her by offering her the chance to have this information???

I haven't read all the responses on here so sorry if this is a repeat, but you ARE forcing a situation on her. You ARE deciding that you know all about her because her cheating husband told you things. You ARE deciding what her feelings are and what she needs to know or not. You're not helping her by not telling.

Respectfully - you don't know her at all. All you know about her is what her lying cheater husband has told you, and I would frankly discount about 90% of that since he is a known liar and serial cheater.

Please tell her. Give her what you have - present it factually, provide timeline details, provide screenshots and emails. Send it to her and then block and leave her alone. What she chooses to do (or not) with that information is not your call and is none of your business.

This mans wife is apparently not always in good mental health. She's had a number of breakdowns in the past. What state of mind will she be in at a point I chose to come to forward?

Do you know this as fact though? My WH told a lot of lies about me to justify his cheating. Had no problem making me out to be the bad guy. He was even ok with somebody calling me "the wife" like I was totally insignificant or just this horrible person. So don’t believe everything you’re told by somebody whose main goal is to justify reasons for cheating.

HGL,

No malice nor 2X4 meant.

In your OP, you had asked this:

Ultimate question - should I give his wife an option to know about what happened?

You have been given a shitload of great advice, but somehow I sense that you are not getting the answer you want to hear, and seem to be rationalizing why you should not tell.

If you are looking for validation for not telling, then you may have to wait for quite a while.

This mans wife is apparently not always in good mental health. She's had a number of breakdowns in the past.

Let's say this is true(we don't know for sure, because the info came from a liar)..

Have you read anything about infidelity, and how deeply it affects the BS? Have you ventured over to the jfo forum, and read how traumatized the new BS are?

Have you stopped to consider the man you have defended here(loves his wife,loves his family) is the reason her mental health isn't always the best? Being married to a serial cheater is one trauma after the other. OF COURSE her mental health isn't the best. She's married to a man who has repeatedly abused her.