** posting as a member**
MR959: Read your reply and, other than confirm the basic info from my post, I don’t see an answer to my question: would you feel the same (e.g., that you would actually "resent" being told) if your personal experience with Infidelity were more akin to the subject of THIS post? Certainly your prerogative to answer or not…I think that the statement standing "as is" doesn’t make much sense, and IMHO, does not assist the OP with the question at hand.
And then there is this:
it seems implausible that his wife has no clue.
I can absolutely assure you that I, and 100s (if not 1000s) of other BS here on SI had NO clue. Given your experience, I can understand that you may not have have a much understanding of/experience with the nature and extent to which many WS will deceive and gaslight. And I’m happy that you - or any BS - did not have to endure those things. I’m happy for anyone not married to someone living an entirely separate and SECRET sexual life (and we are talking about a whole other LIFE that transpires in darkness and outside of the BS’ purview).
The implications of that statement / its underlying assumptions, and the way it is thrown out in such a nonchalant manner astounds me. It exemplifies the heart of blame foisted upon BS (internally by the BS, externally from the WS, and externally from society at large). For those (like me) that did not know, that "implausibility" factor not only implies that BSs who are blindsided are somehow "less" than (less aware, less intelligent, etc). It also implies that we have, by our "implausible" level of trust, somehow consented to / become responsible for our own abuse, our own gaslighting, our own pain.
It also ensures that those who ARE aware of the infidelity, will readily keep the secrets of the WS. Quite the conundrum…. It was "implausible" that you did not know, so I did not tell you, so the affair(s) continued for more & more time, which increased the "implausibility" of you not knowing, which is why I still did not tell you. And that somehow, using websites like match[dot]com make a difference is bewildering. Doesn’t take much time on SI to read story after story after story of burner phones, secret emails, secret passwords, invisible chat apps, etc. My WH conducted >90% of his A-related communications on a work PC/email to which my having access could be illegal. But hey, if he’s cruising match[dot]com at the office, it’s "implausible" that I would not somehow know?
Honestly, I do not have words to describe how absolutely devaluing this "implausibility" perspective feels. It is part of the seed packet for the deep and painful shame and humiliation that many/most BS feel on dday. There is a reason why one of the first things many BS ask/think at dday are: how could I have not known and who else does know? There is a reason why BS are chock-full of anxiety when they have to leave their homes and fear running into an AP or others who are aware of the infidelity - sometimes for years.
As to the matter at hand, it seems to me that the OP was already "involved" (or "barged in") with the M - at a minimum by the WS engaging her to do so (I still don’t see debating the nature/extent of interaction after he came clean to OP as being terribly helpful. We can agree to disagree about how that aspect may -or may not- impact an opinion). FWIW, IMO, the OP was victimized by the WS. To me, keeping silent in these circumstances only serves to ensure there will be more victims.
I don’t know the OP and I don’t know the BW at issue here. I DO know that making assumptions based upon the word of a WS who is a known liar to the AP/OP is not likely to be accurate. Put simply - based upon the OP’s post (and the thousands of posts I’ve read in my 4 years here at SI), I see NO basis upon which we can assume that the BW in this situation is aware of her WH’s secret sexual life… any more than we can (or should) ever assume that any BS is aware.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 6:10 AM, Monday, February 7th]
