The Other Woman asks....

I don't mean to be triggering to people here. But I have a question, and I think the folks here might be best place to guide me....

So I matched with a man two years ago, on a dating site. We met up, got on and decided to give things a go.

Then Covid hit. Obviously we couldn't meet up but we kept corresponding, electronically but in long letters to each other. I fell for him and he said it was mutual.

Then he came clean. And he told me he had a wife. But he said he was thinking of leaving her. He came up to see me to talk about it. But when he came, he then backtracked and said he wouldn't leave her.

We kept talking (from my pov because I was head over heels for him). But I knew I didn't want to be with him like that because I want a real partner in my life. I met up with him once more to say goodbye (I have no moral excuse for this).

We didn't talk but he played on my mind for months. We met up again early last year. Again I have no excuse for it.

Since then, we've talked as friends occasionally, for about 10 months.

The whole thing has been playing on my mind for a long time now though. I know I did wrong to leave

with him long after I should have shut the door. And I haven't seen him in 10 months, despite him asking to.

Ultimate question - should I give his wife an option to know about what happened?

(By option, I mean sending a message along the lines of - "I think you know who I am. I don't mean you or anyone any harm. Message me if you want to know more. If not, delete this text and you (or anyone else) never hear from me again").

Some other context:
His affairs are all BDSM based. His wife has occasionally done this but isn't really into it.
I think he does genuinely love his wife. Hence wanting to stay with her. And they have three children together. He had never once bad mouthed her. Quite the opposite. I think he's still very much genuinely in love with her.
He has had many many affairs over around fifteen years of his twenty two year marriage. She has known (found out by accident) of the existence of at least three of these affairs in the past. Once found out each time she cried and begged him to stop. He did stop the immediate affair. Then restarted a different affair with a new partner(s) afterwards.
Directly before me, he had a mistress for 3.5 years. She moved to his city to be close to him. He thinks his wife has a suspicion about this mistress but she never really knew. This only ended because the mistress moved out of the country for family reasons.
He told me that he was on the dating sites looking for a lifelong mistress. Since we met and thing didn't work out, I know that he is still active on the same websites and still looking for the same thing - a lifelong mistress. As well as looking for casual sex, in addition to a mistress.

I've thought long and hard about my motivation for considering doing this. My motivation isn't to destroy anything. Personally, and as strange as it sounds, I think that he is a loving husband and she should stay married to him. But I am vastly aware that this is not my choice to make. And what I want to do is offer his wife the chance to learn more about what her husband really does, rather than being kept (involuntarily) in the dark. I wouldn't send any details unless she then responds to me and asks specifically for them.

73 comments posted: Wednesday, February 2nd, 2022