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Reconciliation :
Do you still celebrate your original anniversary, or does it symbolize a hollow promise?

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 gainingclosure (original poster new member #79667) posted at 9:58 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

My wife broke her vows, but we have continued to celebrate the date each year. I have looked at it as "we got through some tough times". But now, Im starting to view it as a symbol of broken promises.

posts: 29   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2021
id 8709148
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 10:14 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Maybe I've got my own compartments...

I still celebrate our anniversary. Never did stop. It was very close to DDay. I specifically rugswept for 24 hours the first year and communicated that intent clearly to my wife.

"We are going to celebrate our anniversary, and we are going to do it like you didn't have an affair I just discovered, but don't think for a minute that just because I want to do this with you, and still have good times, means that we have made any real progress."

HB was had and it was great. I also wrote her my last sincere card about our relationship that included the whole relationship. She cried when she read it. Maybe, one day, I'll write another card that includes everything, who knows.

Second year was right after I asked for a D but we had worked through her plan to lead the efforts to R. As part of that, she planned a nice anniversary date.

This year we had our first relaxing anniversary. We just tooled around a town known for their wine tasting rooms, had a nice little dinner, and stayed at a fancy hotel where we did it thrice.

I guess, for me, it's still nice to celebrate making through another year. I never fucked up (that badly), and I should get to celebrate another year of that, right? I shouldn't let her fuck up bring us both down. Technically, she has done quite a bit of work the last year at least, so she probably deserves to celebrate us too.

It's a little bit of "symbolism, shmymbolism" I just want to eat, drink, and have sex. And a little bit of maybe that I've just allowed the symbolism to change.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1652   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709153
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 11:10 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

We celebrate out anniversary, but I think every couple has to figure it out on their own that they want to do with it.

At this point, our anniversary is — we made it through the worst possible moments and stuck it out anyway.

We celebrate despite the horror show, as a tribute to our perseverance.

But I can say the first 2-3 after discovery were definitely tough and I canceled big plans and plane tickets for one of them for a quiet road trip in my Jeep to the mountains.

These days, we go with what we’re feeling, which is still fairly simple, sort of like our recovery — one day, one obstacle at a time.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4269   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8709172
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 11:11 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

I'm very torn about this, but as with some other stuff in my situation, I go along with it. I find the anniversary date to be an extremely hollow moment and I've been very tepid about it. Our 25th was a non-event as far as I was concerned, essentially. I certainly haven't made any grand gestures.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4528   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8709173
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 11:35 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

We do.

My situation is atypical because D-Day for me was about a month prior to our FIRST wedding anniversary (I know, I know....). As such, we've literally never had a wedding anniversary before any of this.

For our first anniversary, I didn't want to celebrate. There was nothing to celebrate as far as I was concerned. Our entire marriage was a sham. We had already made plans for a weekend away though and the hotel wasn't refundable so my H convinced me to go - reluctantly.

It was actually a really good trip for us. The change of scenery was nice. We had a lot of really brutally honest but productive conversations. At the time, it was really up in the air as to whether we were going to make it or not.

By the following year, celebrating felt more of an acknowledgment of how far we've come.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 744   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8709183
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Underserving ( member #72259) posted at 11:48 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

I have had 3 since d-day, and have felt differently each year. The first was only two days after discovery. I was practically comatose, and not sleeping at home, so there was no acknowledgement of it. A year later, I basically forced myself to act "normal" and celebrate our anniversary like there had never been an affair. We went out to a really nice dinner and stayed in a nice hotel. I almost had a panic attack the next day. This last one, only a month ago, I honored my feelings of still being triggered by that day, and we had a low key evening with no big dinner or anything mushy. He got me a nice gift. I got him nothing. I acknowledged "yep we have been married 13 years. It makes zero sense we’re not divorced, but hey somehow we are both still here. Cheers." That was what I wanted/needed.

Next year who knows how I will feel. I just know I will never force myself to "celebrate" that day in an way that is uncomfortable to me again.

BW (32)Found out 3 years post end of AD-day 12-9-19In R

Infidelity brings out the cuss in me. I’m not as foul mouthed in real life. ;)

posts: 752   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2019
id 8709184
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 2:04 AM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Year one no we didn’t. The second one I decided I was not letting infidelity take one more thing from us. I celebrated the fact that I kept my vows for 30 years, raised 2 very successful children. Adopted twins with serious health issues and built a successful 20 year old business. We have a lot to be proud of.

What I won’t do is give her a mushy "you’re the greatest W" card, no not gonna happen. I guess you could say we celebrate the victories not the losses.

Dday Sept 7 2019 working toward R
BH 54 WW 48
M 30 years, 4 kids 2 grown 2 grandkids

posts: 1058   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8709196
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WishidleftHer ( new member #78703) posted at 3:33 AM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

We do celebrate our anniversary, but we didn't the first year after dday. It was tough that year. I wasn't sure if there'd be another.

posts: 24   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Upstate NY
id 8709204
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StrugglingCJ ( member #72778) posted at 9:56 AM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

When my WW was having her affair she would be at an annual music festival with the AP on our anniversary..

She didn't want to celebrate our anniversary and would berate me for smuggling a card etc into her luggage for that day when she did nothing for me.. Kind of left a sour taste in my mouth.. So these days we might aim to go for a meal around that time but that's about it.

Same goes for valentines day, she spoilt that day forever, by doing nothing for me when I would go out my way to do things for her, and she did lots for the AP.. We don't even acknowledge the day anymore.

[This message edited by StrugglingCJ at 9:57 AM, Wednesday, January 12th]

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 178   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8709219
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 11:28 AM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

Only one anniversary since D-day so far.

My husband was out of town on our 20th anniversary in the spring of 2020. I was home putting together a photo album of pictures of us across 20 years, reminiscing fondly, and planning a date/outing for us when he returned despite the challenges of doing that during the Covid lockdown. I stayed up late the night before (which I never do) to call him at 12:01 and say happy anniversary. Looking at phone records later, I realized my call broke into a call with his affair partner. He answered, and we reminisced and talked about how grateful we were for our lives and each other. He called her back the second we hung up.

I don’t know if I’ll ever feel anything but utterly broken on our anniversary.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8709221
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 11:33 AM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

It was definitely hollow and meaningless first years after. Slowly it is morphing into something meaningful much like Oldwounds - we have weathered a horrific storm and are still together.

It takes a very long time to begin to want to even celebrate in my opinion. No pressure to do so for sure. Do as you feel at any given point in time.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2727   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8709222
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WhiteCarrera ( member #29126) posted at 2:42 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

We celebrate them -- a little low-key, but still. Along these lines, the absolute worst thing for me is picking out a card. Anniversary, Valentine's Day, Mothers' Day -- there's nothing worse than digging through an aisle of cards, all full of sentiment that I just don't have anymore.

If I want recovery, then I must allow for it to actually happen. Is it possible that I actually do have all the truth now?

me - husband; her - wife, Married 13 years @ D-Day 09-02-2009. Now married 25 years and hanging in there (maybe by a thread someti

posts: 312   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 8709239
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 4:17 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

We've had three now since our DDay. It is definitely different and still potentially triggering for me, though that has gotten much better.

We're much better planning experiences rather than gifts and cards. That seems to help for me. Give us something to do together, rather than buying a hollow symbol of togetherness. We've gone to concerts, dinners out, trips, etc. This last one was our 25th. We are celebrating the parts of us that there are to celebrate. Better connection now, recommitment, etc. Yes, I remember the affair on our anniversary, but that is less of a thing.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son

posts: 198   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8709255
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TX1995 ( member #58175) posted at 4:43 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

We just celebrated our 20th. Husband planned a weekend recreating the weekend he proposed. I gave him a card.

Every year since DDay he has planned something. This is the first year I didn't end up drunk and crying. This year, since it was "big" and that last "big" anniversary was our 15th (and the weekend that solidified his maniacal justifications for cheating), I said that my perspective was going to be that we would celebrate ME being faithful and upholding my vows for 20 years. I wasn't entirely cold though, as I also told him that I was glad we were choosing each other every day and that I was looking forward to our future.

I do still cringe when other people tell me Happy Anniversary. My parents, his parents. I didn't tell anyone why we went away for the weekend. No gushy social media posts. But if we ignored it, I think that would be weird too. We HAVE been married for 20 years after all.

It's definitely a YMMV kind of situation. My sister does not celebrate her anniversary anymore after her husband cheated. (They are still married.) She doesn't want to remember. I get that too.

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 994   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8709262
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somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 5:06 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

..50 years married this June...what would you do if you were me??

smy shocked

trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think!Me 74 Her 70 Married 49 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumor!

posts: 5982   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario Canada
id 8709270
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 11:43 PM on Wednesday, January 12th, 2022

I have sympathy for both you and your W, SMY. I'm for doing whatever you work out together. One difference: if you're not ready to celebrate but your W wants a big deal, I can't help thinking I'd side with you. I'd like you to feel like celebrating, but if you don't feel it, you don't feel it.

Our first post-d-day anniversary was 9 months after d-day. I told my W I didn't know if we had been M 9 months or 44 years. She gave me chocolate and flowers and took me to her favorite place for dinner; that was very nice ... the flowers and chocolate were great choices. The next year I had the same question - 2 years or 45? The 3rd year we spent with our son, GS, and DIL, so we pretended, but I was thinking we had been M 46 years, not 3. I gave W a fancy chocolate bar, though, and I meant that to say I wasn't really in a celebratory mood.

The next year, 4th after d-day, (and since then), I've felt like celebrating. We had a very nice celebration for our 50th. Of course, in 1967 we were too nervous to eat, and in 2017, we started the day still stuffed with Saturday's over-eating. Also, in 1967 we knew nothing about living together and not much about how we we were going to fit with *TMI*. In 2017, we were a partnership.

IOW, there are lots of variations, gainingclosure. Figure out what you want, and do it your way. If your W doesn't appreciate your way, it's a sign that R may not be your best bet.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26518   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8709407
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 1:10 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

smy,

Maybe a golden turd sandwich?

I joke of course, but it's hard to ignore the golden anniversary. Every family member that made that one has had a big party/family reunion. It hasn't been many.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1652   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709418
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CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 1:21 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

I stopped celebrating after D-Day v2.0 in 2018. Told my wife that if there was to be any celebration, she was going to be the one to take the reins because I didn't care about it anymore.

So far, she's 1 for 4 (our 25th in 2019, she made plans for us to have a lunch).

To have heard her defend her A by saying "I never understood my vows"...why would there be a day of celebration for that?

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3091   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   ·   location: The Rockies
id 8709424
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DragnHeart ( member #32122) posted at 3:34 AM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Totally stopped going to dinner and celebrating after dday one.

The anniversary has come and gone a few times since when we both didn't realize till a few days later.

To me its just a reminder of a time when i believed he was a better man.

Me: BS 44 nowWH: 35 almost 36 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons.Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that.Full disclosure March 8th 2019 four AP's.

posts: 22805   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8709446
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