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Reconciliation :
Five Year Insights

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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 12:18 AM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

This week marks 5 years from D-Day v1.0. I could not have imagined then what those 60 months would look like (or, quite frankly, how LONG they would really be).

For those who have followed, you've ridden the ups & downs, you've seen the hopes and the hopes dashed, you've listened to me gripe and complain, be at my lowest and my best. Thank you for taking that ride with me. To quote the late, great Jerry Garcia...what a long, strange trip it's been...

So, what have I learned thus far?

1. Whatever you think your time frame is for recovery, you're wrong. I thought "I'll beat that 2-5 years thing. Nope, didn't happen.

B. You can't reconcile by yourself. It takes two. Every. Single. Time.

III. You can't make your WS get it, no matter how hard you beat them over the head with it. Best to detach and work on yourself. That was a long, hard lesson I had to learn. Thanks for sticking with me on that one, Unhinged.

4. Give yourself grace & time to heal. Powering through a 22 hour road trip is one thing. Taking care of yourself while in the midst of this storm is another entirely. Healing is messy. It leaves a lot of scars. Those may or may not lead to a good story someday.

馃枑. Not all IC/MCs are created the same. I've had experience with both all over the spectrum. Bad ICs make things worse (we are still unraveling things from my wife's first IC who convinced her that I was abusing her and she needed to leave immediately...because I yelled at her when she sent a text that said "Heartsick. Miss you." just 2 days after D-Day v1.0. Our original MC agreed that it was "abusive". The current MC laid out the difference between "abusive" and "traumatic". She's doing a great job working with Mrs. Cap to understand the difference. My current IC is also working with me on a variety of things, including being able to trust again. I'm quite grateful for our current counseling lineup. Experience truly does matter.

F. There are going to be some great internet strangers along the way that you will eventually call friends. Oldwounds, sisoon, ISSF, DaddyDom, W2BHA, and many others, you have walked alongside so wonderfully over these years. I cannot say thank you enough. And even an old RiverChicken fan like Unhinged can be a great guy to watch a ballgame with at 20th & Blake.

VII. Patience is a virtue...but it does ebb and flow. I've had patience. I've lost patience. I've had to get it back. Then I've had to change focus to regain a new patience. Dealing with your wife's A, especially with a story that changes/trickles out over 24 months isn't a straight line. Messy, messy, messy. It takes a lot of work, a lot of stamina, a lot of perseverance...and a lot of SI support to walk that path.

8. You will want to quit. More than once. And that's OK. We all get tired. This stuff wears you out, even if you have a perfectly remorseful WS from day 1. It's exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally & spiritually. Be kind to you. Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Cry. Vent

Rest when possible. Be good to you. You're the only you that you have.

I. When there's a REAL change in your WS, you will know it. It won't look or feel forced. It will be at a core level. They will be 100%, 180掳 different. You won't have to guess.

X. And sometimes...they are incapable of change. That is the one thing our first MC said that has actually resonated with me the entire time. What if Mrs. Cap CAN'T change? What if she is incapable? I didn't truly understand what was being asked, nor could I understand what the MC meant at the time. Now I understand. We are two broken people. One of us made the stupidest, most hurtful decision of their life. The real reconciliation is about what am I willing to accept and what glasses will I be wearing? They won't be those old rose-colored ones (moment of silence for Betty White...aka Rose Nyland), but they can be filled with either grace or bitterness. And I get to choose each day which ones I pick up.

There are many more things I have learned along the path. It's full of turns, potholes, detours & puddles. Sometimes you trudge forward slowly, sometimes it feels like a racecourse. Either way, it is an adventure, so enjoy the company of your fellow SI travelers along the way. Bear one another's burdens when possible. Be excellent to each other. And party on, dudes!

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 12:21 AM, Wednesday, January 5th]

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3091   路   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   路   location: The Rockies
id 8707502
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 12:21 AM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

馃А馃挍馃挌馃挋馃挏馃馃挅

Thanks for that cap'n

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3619   路   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8707505
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Notaboringwife ( member #74302) posted at 2:13 AM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

8. You will want to quit. More than once. And that's OK. We all get tired. This stuff wears you out, even if you have a perfectly remorseful WS from day 1. It's exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally & spiritually. Be kind to you. Eat. Sleep. Exercise. Cry. Vent

Rest when possible. Be good to you. You're the only you that you have.

馃 I needed to read that today! Thank you!

Forgiveness sometimes just means accepting that it happened and refusing to let it guide your choices.

posts: 261   路   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8707524
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DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 1:16 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Captain:
Thanks for this post. I found it extremely helpful.

posts: 68   路   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   路   location: Connecticut
id 8707595
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 1:34 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

I was intensely reading your post...until I saw the hand for bullet point #5 look . After that I just wanted to see what you were going to use next laugh !!! Now I am all discombobulated duh .

You ARE healing...and it has been a long and painfully slow one (((HUGS))). I didn't get healed in that 2-5 year timeline either. I just had to keep moving forward. One day at a time my friend...and one GLORIOUS day you will FEEL it grin . Thank you for sharing your journey with us smile .

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5815   路   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   路   location: Southeastern United States
id 8707598
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 2:45 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Good update Cap!

Overall, I think you have been extraordinarily patient with your wife, and that鈥檚 the good dad in you, trying to keep his family together.

I am glad you seem to be giving yourself a bit more room through counseling to figure out what you can accept and more of what you will need to find your path forward, whichever path that is.

One aspect you may have left out.

11. We need a baseball CBA to bring some healthy hardball distractions for the spring and summer.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4269   路   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   路   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8707611
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irwinr89 ( member #42457) posted at 6:11 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Good update, I can totally relate....
Am 8 years out, and don't really think about it much, we are doing good and we have gone thru a lot of challenges together since DD.... Lost our parents, she recovered from ovarian cancer, kids to college, etc.... We get along and have fun together, take trips, date nights, etc
But I did lose a massive amount of respect for her, and actually more for marriage, the respect for her is back but she knows I don't think much of marriage anymore.... I have done very well career wise and take good care of self.....
I think for me it's been kind of like "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" type deal

posts: 62   路   registered: Feb. 14th, 2014   路   location: Miami
id 8707690
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 8:33 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

One aspect you may have left out.

11. We need a baseball CBA to bring some healthy hardball distractions for the spring and summer.

I thought that was just a given! Come on fellas! We need baseball!

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3091   路   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   路   location: The Rockies
id 8707744
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 9:18 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

Cap, You've taken a unique path. I think you made conscious choices, and I'm all for implementing conscious choices. I've always thought you took responsibility for yourself from the start. That is SUCH an important part of getting through this mess! I admire the way you've conducted yourself during this struggle.

Thanks for your update (and the mention).

BTW, we went to a baseball game during a g2g. Cubs vs. Washington. That's all I remember about the game. I remember a lot more about the people. smile

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26518   路   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   路   location: Illinois
id 8707759
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 11:51 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

BTW, we went to a baseball game during a g2g. Cubs vs. Washington. That's all I remember about the game. I remember a lot more about the people. smile

Love it sisoon. Unhinged and I were certainly there in spirit, though I don't know how happy Unhinged would be at the Cub game. 馃ぃ

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3091   路   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   路   location: The Rockies
id 8707824
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 11:53 PM on Wednesday, January 5th, 2022

I was intensely reading your post...until I saw the hand for bullet point #5 look . After that I just wanted to see what you were going to use next laugh !!! Now I am all discombobulated duh .

Glad I could disrupt your combobulation, W2BHA!

馃榿

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3091   路   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   路   location: The Rockies
id 8707825
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Unhinged ( member #47977) posted at 12:14 AM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

(SMH) Cubs fans?!

Any ballpark is a good place to be, even if the Blues Brothers live there.

Detaching is a hard lesson to learn. I know. Been there, done that. Now I'm about as detached as I could possibly be. smile

Cap, I'm happy that things are finally starting to turn a corner for you and Mrs. Cap. You really do have the patience and resilience of any good Cubs fan (which is sort of an oxymoron).

[This message edited by Unhinged at 12:14 AM, Thursday, January 6th]

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6383   路   registered: May. 21st, 2015   路   location: Colorado
id 8707834
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 3:42 AM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

You really do have the patience and resilience of any good Cubs fan (which is sort of an oxymoron).

Thank you, my friend. I wouldn't expect it to be expressed any other way.

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3091   路   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   路   location: The Rockies
id 8707871
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 7:49 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

Great read Cap!

I actually printed this for my File of Awesome [where I collect wisdom from SI and refer to as needed].

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home)
Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS in 2018
Cease & Desist sent spring 2021
"Hello鈥揗y name is Chaos鈥揧ou f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3366   路   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   路   location: East coast
id 8707997
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Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 8:37 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

I thought that was just a given! Come on fellas! We need baseball!

My bad! I know better. Baseball and Cap, apple pie and Chervrolet.

With the world insisting on staying upside down, baseball may be a bigger boost to spring than usual. And My O鈥檚 may yet be worse than those Cubbies of yours.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4269   路   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   路   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8708010
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 9:49 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

And My O鈥檚 may yet be worse than those Cubbies of yours.

Only if they figure a way to get rid of Mullins and Mancini for nothing. Was awesome watching Mancini at the HR Derby. I was at 20th & Blake for that.

And Ruschman is going to be a stud behind the plate. The O's aren't as far away as one might think!

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3091   路   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   路   location: The Rockies
id 8708026
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 9:51 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

I actually printed this for my File of Awesome...

Aw. You make me blush, Chaos! Glad to be included!

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3091   路   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   路   location: The Rockies
id 8708027
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 11:18 PM on Thursday, January 6th, 2022

I'm honored Cap. You know I've been in your corner this whole time. I wish there was a different outcome for you to date but I sure am glad you are getting great therapy - it makes all the difference!

I don't envy your position but I know you will come to a decision that works for you.

We've taken a very long ride together on SI. It isn't easy.

In the meantime, I cannot add anything to the baseball commentary - I know, that is blasphemous!

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2727   路   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8708054
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 CaptainRogers (original poster member #57127) posted at 2:31 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

We've taken a very long ride together on SI. It isn't easy.

Definitely not an easy road to travel, that is for certain. But, the destination makes it bearable.

In the meantime, I cannot add anything to the baseball commentary - I know, that is blasphemous!

Maybe not full on blasphemy, but pretty close. 馃ぃ

BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical

posts: 3091   路   registered: Jan. 27th, 2017   路   location: The Rockies
id 8708203
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TX1995 ( member #58175) posted at 5:22 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Good update with some very wise words!

You've been just a hair ahead of me these past 5 years and the one thing that is abundantly clear to me is how much YOU have grown (also, you have the patience of a saint!). That's the goal here at SI, right? Knowing we will be okay with or without the marriage, making choices every day for the betterment of ourselves and giving lots of grace to ourselves (and maybe our partners) along the way.

I hope this new year continues to help you find your best path forward CR!

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 994   路   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   路   location: Texas
id 8708341
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