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Newest Member: 39Robbo

Divorce/Separation :
jezz...

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 Unhinged (original poster member #47977) posted at 3:06 AM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

I'm pretty sure my STBXWW is already seeing someone else. We haven't even filed yet, which is me dragging my ass on the paperwork.

A few weeks ago, she asked me if we could spend a little time together as a family during Christmas Eve and Day (she caught a cold, which, thankfully, limited our time together). During the same convo, she also asked if the kid could spend New Year's Eve with me, telling me that she "has the opportunity to go see (can't remember who) in concert." I didn't ask then and I have no intention of asking at all if she had a date. Of course, it's been great having the kid with me all this time. Bonus for me, right? Thing is, she's hardly seen him in two weeks, now. I half expected him to go over to her place at some point today and am still half expecting it to happen tomorrow. However, having known her for over twenty years, I'm sure she's fully enjoying all of this time to herself, and whomever she's seeing (and probably fucking).

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about all of this. At least she waited until we were separated this time. If I wasn't completely and utterly done with her before, am sure as shit am now. Being married to such an unauthentic human being just fucking sucks balls, you know?!

[This message edited by Unhinged at 3:08 AM, Sunday, January 2nd]

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6383   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8706973
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HeartFullOfHoles ( member #42874) posted at 4:21 AM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

I know it's easy to say, but try to find the joy in knowing her dysfunction is no longer your concern. Just think of the gem he must be wink . Also consider the lies their relationship is based on so definitely not a foundation for success! The fact that she can't figure this out is really all you need to know to confirm you are making the right choice.

BH - Tried to R for too long, now happily divorced
D-Day 4/28-29/2012 (both 48 at the time)
Two adult daughters

posts: 710   ·   registered: Mar. 24th, 2014
id 8706979
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 4:48 AM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

If you are certain as to the path you’re taking, why the delay with the paperwork?

Me -FWS

posts: 1897   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8706983
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99problems ( member #59373) posted at 5:03 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

If you are certain as to the path you’re taking, why the delay with the paperwork?

It was amazing how motivated i was to file once I got to this stage, my pencil probably caught fire :P

Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,

posts: 1008   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Colorado
id 8707017
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:04 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

Once we see them as they truly are, they seem to stop trying to hide it.
It does suck.

Time and distance help. It will help.

Good luck and hope she doesn’t cause any drama when you do get the paperwork done.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4370   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8707042
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 10:53 PM on Sunday, January 2nd, 2022

So sorry, Unhinged. Even when you expect it, it still seems to hurt. Even though I knew my XH would get remarried fairly quickly, I was still hurt when he got engaged 4 months after the D was final.

Hang in there. It does get better.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 782   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8707054
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 12:35 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

Keep diary data about how much effort (frequency, duration, etc.) she invests into spending time with the kid. That will be extremely useful in the custody hearing. In order to be admitted to evidence, the diary should be contemporaneously maintained (that is, make your entries every day, in real time, as events occur).

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3812   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8707112
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:39 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

Stop hitting the snooze button! laugh

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10178   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8707113
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:53 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

Unhinged - Time to move forward. Get the paperwork done.
You will find that happiness will follow. You have been in some form or another of limbo for many years.
I think you will find that life gets a lot better when you cut the cancer/toxicity out.
I am glad that you are getting a lot of dad time too. That is awesome. It will strengthen your bond. Your kiddo will know that Dad is the safe space.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19103   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8707121
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 2:07 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

(((HUGS)))

However, having known her for over twenty years, I'm sure she's fully enjoying all of this time to herself, and whomever she's seeing (and probably fucking).

I used to ENJOY life...until Dday crying . After that...I kept searching for SOMETHING to bring me happiness again...thus my username.

I actually found happiness often after Dday...but it never lasted. I was getting reckless with spending money...with buying up things that made me happy...just living in the moment. ANYTHING that brought a little spark into my life I went for it. But lil bro...it ALL left me so EMPTY crying . It wasn't until I found PEACE that I found true happiness smile .

Your STBXWW may very well be seeing someone else. She may also be enjoying some time with someone else...and others...depending on how much she is willing to fuck. But in the end...she will see it for what it truly is...someone USING her. She is going to end up truly hating that lifestyle...and herself. It won't give her fulfillment or peace.

The thing is...YOU can't change ANY of what is happening with HER because these are HER choices. BUT...you can choose what is best for YOU smile . You've taken a great step in getting OUT of a toxic environment...and I am very PROUD of you for doing that!! Don't look back lil bro...just keep moving forward smile .

You were concerned about not being able to spend much time with your child. This can actually be a blessing for YOU...because now you get to ENJOY your child during these years smile . They grow so FAST!!! YOU will have awesome memories with your child...while she will have nothing but REGRET.

You have learned a VALUABLE lesson my sweet brother...even though it may not feel like it at this point. So GET UP and GET GOING grin !!! You are FREE to live your life on YOUR terms now...and that truly is a BLESSING grin !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5815   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8707123
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 Unhinged (original poster member #47977) posted at 2:54 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

Paperwork done.

It only gets worse. Generally, the boy spends Sun-Wed nights with me and then he's at his mom's Thur-Sat nights. She spent a little time with him this past Thursday afternoon, then dropped him back off at my place. She hardly spoke to him at all on Friday (which was agreed upon, being New Year's Eve). She hardly spoke to him at all on Saturday. On Sunday (yesterday) she took him to go out sledding with friends. He came home by himself to shed his snow gear (long johns, coat, pants, etc.), and told me that she would be picking him up a bit later. That never happened. No call. No Text. She completely blew-off her 10yo son.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Will this nightmare ever end?

ETA: We agreed that he would be spending the night at her place last night.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 4:46 PM, Monday, January 3rd]

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6383   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8707126
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:07 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

I am sorry that your son was disappointed. I hope she takes her head out of her ass for your kids sakes.

People are often not what they seem, it just takes a lot of time to see that.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 4:08 PM, Monday, January 3rd]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1786   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8707130
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Perdita1 ( member #67654) posted at 8:19 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

I am so very sorry for you and your son Unhinged. What kind of person does that to a child? It so cruel.

As for what she is doing now you are separated - I hear you, same thing happened to me. He moved out, we were doing the paperwork. On receiving the updating financial disclosure it was clear he was out ‘enjoying’ himself mere weeks afterwards. It stung, bad. But I guess it’s like someone said above - they stop trying to hide their true selves.

posts: 94   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8707173
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 12:08 AM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022

document and ask for primary custody of your son.

posts: 1233   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8707239
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 Unhinged (original poster member #47977) posted at 1:55 AM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022

I've been a little slow on the uptake before when it comes to guidance and advice offered up by this wonderful community (just ask tushnurse wink

I don't want to fight her for sole custody. Documenting shit like this is something that I learned on SI. I've adopted the practice and often tried to pass on that wisdom to others. I'm loathed to go down that road, however. A custody battle will only bring out the worst in both of us. After countless years of that shit, I'm ready to move the fuck on with MY life.

I'm just appalled by her behavior (which is certainly nothing new). It's one thing to do what she did to me, us and herself. When it comes to my son, however... I've got Wolverine's knives popping out o' my knuckles.

What I really need is help trying help my son deal with her. How do I navigate supporting him without demonizing her?

Heading towards divorce
D-Day April, 2015

"The Universe is not short on wake-up calls. We're just quick to hit the snooze button."
-Brene Brown

posts: 6383   ·   registered: May. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 8707256
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:23 AM on Tuesday, January 4th, 2022

Ask her if she wants to give you primary custody. If she’s enjoying her freedom, she might take you up on it.

But if she balks at this suggestion, simply say, "Well you haven’t been making time for him and blew him off x day and y day, so maybe it’s in son’s best interest to set realistic expectations for how often he will see you."

Sure, that could come off as hostile, but this is your son’s well-being that’s at stake. Maybe she needs a wake up call.

Another thing to consider is that she might be dropping off your son early as a tactic to interfere with your free time. After all, a Saturday night that your home with your son is a Saturday night that you can’t be out on a date (even if that’s not even on your mind at the moment). Going forward, I advise you to make sure that you are busy during the days and times that your son is supposed to be with her. If she calls you up to ask about dropping him off early, tell her you’re not home and that he needs to stay with her. Go away for the weekend (even if it’s just somewhere local) or tell her you’re going to be away even if you’re not. She needs to come to terms with the fact that you are going to be 2 separate households and that you aren’t her on-call babysitter.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 603   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8707262
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katmandude54 ( member #35992) posted at 8:40 PM on Tuesday, January 11th, 2022

Trust me, it takes a good long time to get over that "fucking" the other person business. The connection you had doesn't break away that easy. Eventually it will wither and die and the pain/hurt/awful curdling feelings in your gut will go away and those kinds of thoughts won't be an issue. But, there will be times you will get exceedingly confused, upset, jealous, and possibly maybe even a bit juiced up and aroused thinki.ng about them together. Believe me: THEY. GO. AWAY. I got details I did not want that seared my soul, shredded my heart and cut me to the bone. SIX affairs. Some in our marital bed. Some in one of our daughter's beds. Some in her car. Six years after she walked away, 9 months after the D was final, I no longer think of her. I have a different life, I am a different man, I have children to consider and guide through life (EX-WW has seen our youngest THREE times in past year. AND, she lives just 15 minutes away. I have custody) At this stage I have decided to remain celibate, focus on my final few years at work (I'm late 60's, want to work til 70), get my last kid (she's 16) launched and then maybe try to enjoy what's left. Lots of issues still, despite being in a better place. Really don't/can't "trust" the opposite sex (sorry female SIers, NOT your fault. Just how it is), a diagnosis of prostate cancer a month after ex-WW walked out and the ensuing treatment left me in a condition not conducive to restarting a relationship (and those blue pills don't work on me, just give me a headache).

[This message edited by katmandude54 at 8:41 PM, Tuesday, January 11th]

If at first you don't succeed, you're probably screwed.

posts: 161   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2012   ·   location: FLORIDA
id 8709117
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 7:39 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

How do I navigate supporting him without demonizing her?

Unhinged, I apologize in advance if I'm not remembering some of the deets of your sitch.

I think BluerThan makes some good points - IOW, may be helpful to consider broaching it with STBX. If you think it causes more problems then helps, you'll know better than some online "strangers".

HOWEVER, I would be remiss to be silent about the ways in which a parent not showing up can REALLY (and I do mean REALLY) damage a kid. Saying I'll pick you up at 5 and then going AWOL is extremely damaging. Basically tells the kid they are invisible and unworthy and a host of other crap. And the problem is that you can be the best parent in the world, you can be PERFECT, and the other parent's abandonment may still cause a ton of damage. I'd start with getting the son in to IC. I would also read up on parental abandonment.

You may want to talk to your atty about language in your custody/parenting plan that is very specific about what happens if a parent is no show / no call, or regularly more than X time late (it's one thing for someone who is routinely 10-15 min late.... something very different, esp from a child's eyes, when the parent is routinely HOUR(s) late - not to mention the domino effect to the other parent, who may need to arrange last minute childcare - another way a kid can feel like a burden to parents rather than a human to be celebrated and loved). What those consequences look like are unique to each situation & local law (and the judge). I've seen custody agts that say after x number of no show/no call w/o reasonable excuse (eg documented auto accident kind of stuff), it creates a (rebuttable) presumption legally sufficient for the other parent to file a motion to modify the custody (your atty should be able to advise if that would help in your state - eg may not be needed, or may not be allowed). I liked that tact bc the goal is really to ensure the kid's needs are addressed by a parent who is not stepping up. After the dust of D settles down, many parents DO step up, but some just don't and likely never will while the "good" parent is unable to get the legal ducks necessary to get back to court to modify the custody, so I always liked language that allows folks to get back in front of a judge.

Another tact via custody language can be financial disincentive - but that is usually trickier and I believe can end up making things worse / become fodder for alienation, indolent parent playing the victim with the kid, or outright warfare between the parents.

And you can always support your kid w/o demonizing STBX by reaching into your handy BS toolbox of EMPATHY. Get on his level and empathize with the awful feelings of abandonment (most BS have a lot of ways to relate on that front), cuz the wounds the no show / no call cause are abandonment wounds (there's a great book, called journey from abandonment to healing, that I really enjoyed).

[This message edited by gmc94 at 7:40 PM, Saturday, January 15th]

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3619   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8710056
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